


Miraculous: Get me out of here

by iHateFridays



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: ... most of the time lol, Comedy, Fanfiction, Male OC - Freeform, Miraculous Ladybug - Freeform, OC, Parody, if you're looking for angst you won't find it here, more of a comedy than a serious story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:20:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 44
Words: 131,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24037270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iHateFridays/pseuds/iHateFridays
Summary: John is an ordinary guy living in Paris, but he has a secret: he knows the true identities of Ladybug and Chat Noir! Not because he's a crazy super villain - he just used common sense! It was so obvious to him; he wonders why no one else has figured it out. Unfortunately for him, he somehow manages to find himself in the middle of a lot of villain attacks. Will he ever get peace?
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug
Comments: 91
Kudos: 115





	1. I don't want to be here

I'm going to be honest: my life is a complete disaster.

I mean, originally, it was fine. I lived a fairly average life with my mom, my step-mom, my step-sisters, and I saw my dad every weekend. I liked listening to old 80's rock music, much easier to access thanks to the Bluetooth in my hearing aid. I liked to play first person shooters and indie horror games. I liked to eat gingerbread. I liked to sleep. I liked to knit things sometimes. Yeah, gingerbread is an acquired taste, but it's not totally outlandish, right?

And then everything crashed and burned when I met Ladybug and Chat Noir.

You see, I lived in Paris. Capital of France, you might've heard of it. I went to a school there too, but it's not really that important to the story. It was _really_ average, trust me.

It all started on a boring Sunday, but I didn't feel like getting out of bed. My bed had suddenly become the most comfortable place in the universe, and I wouldn't have gotten out of there even for a million euros. (Okay… change that to… like, 10 euros. Who wouldn't get out of bed for a million euros?)

But sadly for me, life doesn't work that way.

So the story starts with me in bed, not wanting to get up. My mom Laura Brodeur came in, opening the door and shoving back the curtains. She was dressed in early 2000's athletic wear, which was not encouraging whatsoever. Plus, the sunlight almost blinded me. Even if my bad hearing blocked out half the noise, it didn't block out that godforsaken sunlight.

"Wake up, sweetie!" she chirped, her golden-blonde hair shining. With tanned skin and blue eyes, she radiated happiness and sunshine. "Last day before school!"

 _Kill me…_ I thought.

As if my morning couldn't get any worse, my younger twin step-sisters invited themselves in, and jumped on my bed. Being identical, they both shared dark skin, dark brown eyes, and curly black hair. For some reason, they liked to wear jean overalls underneath Barbie sweaters. Simultaneously. So it was impossible to tell them apart if you didn't know them. They enjoyed messing with people, you see.

"He's like a zombie," giggled Mardi, the younger twin.

"Wake up, Johnny!" Lucetta teased, pulling back my blankets.

"Go away…" I groaned. I knew she was trying to get a reaction out of me. One of my many pet peeves is people calling me Johnny. No offence if your name is Johnny, but good _gods_ do I hate that name.

"Now, now," my step-mother, Avril Brodeur, also invited herself in. "Let John get ready in peace."

Like her offspring, she had dark skin, but had straight black hair. Thank the gods, she wasn't wearing an embarrassing outfit like my mom; she simply wore a nice blouse. She led her two vermin outside, leaving me alone for a few blissful moments.

Of course that was ruined once again by my dog, Piss (short for Pistache… please don't ask, my step-sisters came up with it). Piss was a French Bulldog with a brown coat and a goofy doggy smile. He also happened to be the only other male living in the house. As much as I loved him, having his heavy body mass lean on me when I was trying to sleep wasn't something I wanted first thing in the morning.

Ironically enough, it made me want to get up. So I did. I kicked him off the bed… and tried not to fall back asleep again. I was really not feeling it that morning. (In hindsight, I _really_ should've stayed in bed. It would've been a win-win situation.) I forced myself to stand up. I reached for my hearing aid, putting it inside my left ear. Fun fact, I'm almost completely deaf in my left ear. Not very fun to live with, matter of fact.

I spent some time fiddling around to get the amount of sound I wanted to hear (it's never perfect and I always have to adjust it), but I realised I was taking too long and just left it. Now for the fun part: clothes. I put on a boring white hoodie with blue sleeves and a Metallica logo. I wore black tracksuit pants with a green stripe and blue converses. Now that we've got that out of the way… I went to the bathroom to pee.

Oh yeah, and I looked at myself in the mirror, because I'm vain, I suppose. I had olive skin, wavy, dark brown hair with a mild light ombré and a widow's peak, and brown eyes… with bags underneath them. The bags are permanent, trust me. And an eyebrow piercing above my right eye. (Because I thought it would look cool.) I had a pretty bad case of acne on my face. It wasn't the worst thing in the world but it didn't help in my sexiness factor. My hoodie hid my missing abs, thankfully.

I was about average height for a guy of my age. I still felt kind of short, but I knew I wasn't a hobbit or anything. Anyway, I left the room, and went downstairs. My mom and step-mom were romanticising while having breakfast… at the table. No they weren't getting all smoochy-smoochy, they were just being far too close and personal while I was trying to eat food. As for the vermin twins, they were in the living room, watching that weird KIDZ+ channel. Better than annoying me, I guess.

Mom smiled at me. "Hi, sweetie. Your dad called."

"What did he say?" I asked.

"He says he wants to see you later," Mom said.

I nodded. I sat down, grabbing some toast. Oh, were you expecting a croissant? Nope, that's weekend stuff. I'm pretty sure most of you know what toast is, so I don't need to describe it. And no, it wasn't 'French toast'. It was just normal toast. Though, I suppose it was technically French since it was made here, but still.

(I bet you're all wondering when the action is going to start. Patience, my young padawans. Enjoy the peace while it's still here.)

"In the meantime, John, could you go down to the bakery and get some more bread?" Mom asked. "We're running low."

"Yeah, sure," I shrugged. Why not? I had nothing better to do. I didn't like going on the bus that much but I _did_ like the bakery. Most people do like food after all.

So I got a few euros in my pocket and I left the house. We lived in central Paris, so the bus stop wasn't too far away. One uninteresting bus trip later, and I got to the bakery. It was called _Tom & Sabine Boulangerie Patisserie_, and it was right at the end of the street. It was pretty up-market, with white walls, and fancy black and gold signs. Inside, many pastries were on display, sitting on white desks. A girl was at the counter, and gave me a friendly smile as I entered. I breathed in the scent of fresh bread, fiddling with the euros in my pocket.

"Hello!" the girl smiled at me. "How can I help you?"

She was a friendly-looking teenage girl with dark blue hair tied into two pigtails, bluebell eyes, and freckles across her nose. She wore a dark grey blazer over a white t-shirt with a flower design below the collar. She also had pink rolled up jeans and pink ballet flats.

"Hello, four of those, please," I said, pointing at the baguettes on display.

The girl nodded, putting the baguettes in a paper bag for me. I handed her the euros.

"Hey, um," she spoke up, accepting the money. "Do you go to my school? I feel like I've seen you before."

"You mean College Françoise DuPont?" I asked. "Nope, I don't go there."

"Oh, I see," she nodded.

"But my family comes here a lot," I told her. "We really like your bakery. Good stuff."

"I'm glad to hear that!" the girl said, still smiling. "Thanks for coming. We appreciate it!"

"No problem," I said, grabbing the baguettes. "Guess I'll be back at some point, heh."

"In that case… I'm Marinette," the girl said, offering a hand.

"John," I accepted her hand, shaking it.

And I was pretty sure I'd never see Marinette again, since every time I met someone nice, we never saw each other again.

Boy how wrong I was.

Anyway, I left the bakery, preparing to catch the bus home when I saw a huge crowd ahead, at the end of the street. Because I'm a sheep I decided to head over there and check out what was going on. It seemed a bunch of teenage girls were swarming a blonde guy around my age. He had green eyes and an immediate 'boy next door' kind of attitude. He wore a white button-down shirt with an upturned collar and sleeves rolled up above his elbow. Underneath, he wore a black shirt with five horizontal stripes around the chest which were coloured. Added to this were blue jeans and orange sneakers.

"What's going on here?" I asked a girl with a blonde ponytail and a heap of makeup. She looked like the type of girl to call someone broke if they didn't walk around wearing Gucci.

"That's Adrien Agreste, duh!" the girl scoffed. "Son of Gabriel Agreste! Don't you know him?"

"Gabriel Agreste has a kid?" I asked, raising a brow. (Don't blame me, I don't keep up with celebrity gossip.)

Then the Adrien kid turned and saw us. He walked over to us, making the blonde girl squeal.

"Adri-kins!" she greeted. (Man, I felt bad for Adrien. That nickname is beyond horrendous.)

"Hi, Chloé," Adrien greeted, and then he looked at me. "Who's this?"

"No one important," said the blonde girl Chloé. "He doesn't even know who you are!"

I was about to speak up, but Adrien simply laughed.

"That's fine," he said, turning to me and offering a hand. "I'm Adrien."

"John," I said, shaking his hand. The girls around me screamed in protest. Chloé herself looked like she was about to explode.

A limousine pulled up, and a bodyguard got out. Adrien sighed, turning away.

"Well, I've got to go," Adrien told me. "It was nice to meet you, John!"

He walked over to the limousine and got in. The girls continued to squeal.

 _Well, that was weird_ , I thought.

I ignored the furious girls, and decided to head on home since I was tired.

But of course that didn't happen. Nope, life wanted me to suffer. And that is when the action finally kicked in.

So I went to the bus stop to, well, catch the bus. I leaned against the sign, pulling out my phone to look at social media.

Suddenly, the ground began shaking. I heard sirens, and something coming down the street, like I was in a horror film. Panicked screams were everywhere. I looked ahead, and saw something straight out of a nightmare: a huge monster made out of mud. It roared, raising its sludgy arms.

"I am Mudslide!" it yelled. "The streets will run brown with my mud!"

Mud came rushing down the street, like an, _ahem_ , mudslide. I jumped out of the way, clinging onto a building, like a cat. People were getting washed away in the mud, screaming for help. I tried to go inside the building, but it was closed.

 _Dammit dammit dammit_ , I thought, desperately banging on the doors. _Get away from me!_

Just as I thought the mud was going to get me, a hand wrapped around my arm, pulling me up to safety. It belonged to a girl wearing a skin-tight red bodysuit covered in black spots and with a black collar/turtleneck. She had a yo-yo around her hips with a red string. On her face was a red mask with five black spots. Her earrings were red with five black spots and the bands holding her hair back became red ribbons, resembling antennas.

She was also extremely familiar. I had met her about ten minutes ago, in fact.

I stared at her. "Mar-"

"Don't worry," Marinette told me. "Just stay up there, and you'll be fine."

She left me to hang out on the roof. She held up her yoyo, using it to swing across the mud, like Tarzan.

It seemed Mudslide hadn't lost interest in me quite yet since it spotted me hanging out, and gave me a nightmarish grin. I crawled back, trying not to slip on the tiles.

"Get away from me, you flying piece of poo!" I uttered, holding up my hands.

"Hold on there, pal."

Another hero-clad guy appeared. The first thing that caught my attention was his green cat eyes. He wore a textured black skin-tight catsuit with metal details. His matching gloves had claws on the fingertips and boots. He had a golden bell on his neck, connected to a zipper on the front of his costume, and a long belt that wrapped around his waist and hung out from the back like a tail. The look was finished with black cat ears and a black mask around his eyes.

He was familiar too. I had also met him pretty much five seconds ago.

Adrien gave me a cocky, bad boy next door grin before pulling out a long, black staff. He jumped towards Mudslide, slamming his staff into its muddy flesh. That kind of backfired when he sunk to the ground.

"Chat Noir!" Marinette shouted.

"Don't worry, m'lady," Adrien swam around like a broken duck, "I'll be fine!"

 _Sure looks like it,_ I thought, looking to my left.

The monster stared at me again, making me crawl back like a crab. What did it want from me? Of course, I almost fell off the damn roof. Marinette used her yo-yo to help Adrien out of the mud. They stood on a roof opposite me, facing the monster.

"Cataclysm!" Adrien, or Chat Noir, shouted. He leaped towards Mudslide, holding out a clawed hand. As soon as the hand collided with the mud, the creature began to melt. The mud was turning to steam which rose into the air.

Marinette joined Adrien, picking up something that the monster dropped. A phone? She suddenly crushed the phone beneath her foot. A butterfly flew out (don't ask me where it came from), disappearing into the sky.

"Miraculous Ladybug!" Marinette yelled, waving her yo-yo. And then all the mud suddenly vanished, like it had never been there before. Everyone who had been washed away was back to normal, no injuries sustained. I kind of just sat there and stared like an idiot. What the Hell had I just witnessed?

"Ladybug!" I heard people cheering. "Chat Noir!"

I shook my head in disbelief. Marinette, or _Ladybug_ , as everyone called her, appeared beside me.

"Do you need help getting down?" she asked.

"Uh, um, yeah," I said, my brain hurting.

I wrapped my arm around her shoulder as she led me down. I gave her a brief thank you, still feeling pretty out of it. Everyone continued to cheer, shouting 'Ladybug' and 'Chat Noir' over and over again. No one seemed to know who was behind the masks. No one except for me, apparently.

And then it hit me that I could've _died_. That thought made my stomach plummet.

 _Welp, I have a boring life,_ I thought, relieved. _It's not like something like this will ever happen again. So what if I know their identities? It's my secret._

Oh boy. How wrong I was.


	2. I hate bubbles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your response to this story so far! I hope you enjoy this chapter. The second chapter is always more nerve-wracking to post than the first chapter since I feel like I have a lot of expectations to live up to and I don't want to disappoint anyone. Well enough talking, happy reading!

I hate my bed. Whenever I'm trying to fall asleep, it's like sleeping on a slab of rock. But when it's time to wake up, it's suddenly the most comfortable place in the universe. It's like it can't make up its mind.

My mom came into my room, throwing back the curtains. 'Torturing John' seems to be one of her favourite pastimes, as you can see. I groaned, hiding underneath my blankets. Piss jumped on top of me, trying to find my face so he could cover it in slobber.

"Time for school!" Mom cheered.

I tried _really really_ hard not to fall back asleep. I heard my vermin step-sisters giggling in the background. Of course. They always like to mock me.

"Beat it," I told Piss. Speaking of Piss, I actually needed to piss, which wasn't very comfortable either. So I decided to get up.

* * *

I groaned. My school bag was _way_ too heavy. Why did every single book have to weigh a million kilos? Then again, it _was_ the first day back, and that was when you were expected to bring all your crap to school.

I glared at the front door of our house, rubbing sleep off my face. Avril was helping her vermin get ready for school, so it was just me and Mom.

"Bye, honey," Mom said, gently squeezing my shoulder. "Good luck, okay? I'm so proud of you."

"Yeah, yeah," I said, trying not to smile. "See you later."

I left the house, walking down the street. It was a nice day, clear blue skies. Weirdly enough, it always seemed to be a nice day when crap happened. I adjusted my hearing aid; of course, it was still a bit too loud. When I was little, my dad had told me the hearing aid would give me 'super-sonic' hearing, but it was more like 'super-annoying' honestly.

And then I got a massive sense of deja-vu when I saw a crowd of girls ahead, and a familiar blonde guy.

 _Are they always following him?_ I thought, raising a brow at Adrien. Poor guy never seemed to get any privacy.

He wasn't completely alone however, as there was another guy standing next to him. His buddy had short, dark brown hair, tan skin, and amber eyes. He wore a plain red cap, black-rimmed glasses, and had a pair of dark headphones hung around his neck. His short-sleeved shirt was blue with an eye design on the front. Around his blue-grey jeans was a brown belt. He wore a heap of wristbands on his arms and some pretty nice looking red shoes.

I was kind of surprised to see Adrien again. After I'd seen him the first time, I hadn't expected I'd ever run into him again. But there I was.

Once again, Adrien noticed me as well and beamed at me.

"John, hey!" he waved.

 _Huh, he remembered my name_ , I thought. Then again, in English-speaking countries, John's a pretty common name. Not so much in France, so it's unique I suppose (even though it sounds like 'Jaune', which is in fact French). My mom is half-English and her dad's name was John, so she decided to name me after him. Go figure I guess.

"Uh, hi," I said, awkwardly. To be honest, I wasn't too happy to see him. Not because I disliked him, but because I had a train to catch and that thing waited for no one.

"Who's this?" Adrien's buddy asked.

"Oh, this is John," Adrien introduced. "We met the other day."

"Kind of spontaneously," I pointed out.

"Cool!" the friend said, offering a hand. "I'm Nino. Nice to meet you, dude."

I shook Nino's hand. "Yeah, uh, same."

"Y'know, it's Adrien's birthday today," Nino told me, nudging Adrien.

Adrien shrugged, rubbing the back of his head. "Oh, it's not a big deal…"

"Happy Birthday," I told him.

"Thanks," Adrien said, giving me a small grin.

Nino's demeanor suddenly changed, and he crossed his arms.

"Adrien's dad won't let him have a birthday party," he told me. "Can you believe that? That guy is the worst, man."

Honestly, parties weren't really my thing, mainly since they're just excuses for hordes of people to get crazy, so I wouldn't have minded if I were Adrien. But I _wasn't_ Adrien.

Actually, Adrien himself didn't seem bothered, at least on the outside. It was _Nino_ that was upset about it.

"Uh, sorry to hear about that," I told Adrien.

Adrien shrugged again. "It's okay."

"Anyway, um, I have to catch the train," I said, stepping back. "Later, guys."

I raced off, hoping I wouldn't miss the train. Because honestly, I hate waiting around for that damn thing.

* * *

School was lame and uninteresting so I won't go into detail about it. Mom sent me a text after school, telling me to go to the bakery and get some bread for later. As well as torturing me she likes to send me on errands. Fun, right?

So I had to catch yet another bus over to _Tom and Sabine's Pâtisserie Boulangerie_. On the way there, I spotted a familiar face trying to put a letter into a letterbox of some huge mansion. Turns out, from the sign, it was the Agreste mansion. And that familiar face was Marinette.

Marinette's face was completely red, starkly different from her ladybug counterpart. She looked as fragile as glass. She had a friend beside her, who looked almost as bewildered as I did.

 _Are she and Ladybug seriously the same person?_ I thought.

I sighed, heading over to the bakery. Man, that girl confused me.

* * *

I have a soft spot for parks. They're nice, big, and easy to walk around. Good place to chill and have fun. Or maybe that's just because I'm boring. What kind of lameo thinks walking around a park is fun? … me, apparently.

So, there I was, walking in the park. This specific park was called the Place des Vosges. I gazed at the trees and the yellow-green grass, birds chirping. The park was surrounded by tall metal fences. There were green benches and lamp posts scattered throughout the park. In the center of the park was a fountain. There was also a carousel somewhere towards the center of the park.

It was pretty alright, I'd say. It was still a nice day, the sun shining down. I tried to ignore little children running around and screaming. Gods, I can't stand kids. Actually, I don't like anyone who runs around screaming… like everyone at my school, for example. It drives me crazy. And don't get me started on my step-sisters.

Anyway, back to me walking in the park. (Wait, that's an English idiom, right?) That's when I spotted another familiar face (can you believe it?). It was Adrien's friend, Nino. He was sitting on a park bench, blowing bubbles. He looked pretty down about something. I decided to find out what was going on.

"Hey," I said, walking over to him.

Nino looked up at me, still blowing bubbles. "Oh, uh, hey. You're Jaune, right?"

"John," I corrected, digging my hands into my pockets. "It's English. Sounds similar… but it's different."

Nino went back to blowing bubbles.

"What's up?" I asked.

"Adrien's dad still won't let him have a birthday party," Nino scowled. "I hate adults so much, man. They ruin everything fun."

I looked away. I suppose I could kind of see where he was coming from. My parents could be overbearing at times. Sometimes I just wanted a break from them.

On the other hand, kids could be pretty dumb too.

"Maybe he's just looking out for him," I offered.

"He's being way too overprotective," Nino scowled. "I just want Adrien to have fun and get out into the world, y'know?"

He hung his head. I spotted a small black butterfly flying towards Nino. I scowled. I knew what it was. It was an akuma, a butterfly that turned ordinary people into supervillains. It was time to stop an incoming disaster.

"Hey, uh," I turned back to Nino. "Maybe you can… uh… host your own party for him?"

But it was too late. The akuma touched Nino's bubble wand. He stood up, black, gooey matter crawling up his arms. An evil grin spread across his face. I scrambled backwards, holding up my hands.

The guy standing before me was a shadow of his former self. He had light blue skin, reddish-brown eyes, and black circles around said eyes. He wore a bright red, blue and yellow bodysuit, with many parts of the suit being rounded like attached bubbles. Around his head, he had a red helmet that featured a red antenna on top with a red sphere. His boots, pants and gloves were black. On his chest, he had an eye-like black and white circle with two dark gray tubes attached. The tubes connected to a colourful bubble container. A bubble wand was sticking out of it.

"What in all of Hell…" I muttered.

Nino turned and gave me a grin only a villain could give.

"Call me Bubbler," he told me. "And that idea about the party? Sick idea, John! We're going to have a huge party, and none of those stupid adults will get in the way!"

"Yeah, uh…" I stumbled backwards. "I think I'll pass."

His grin became a heated glare. "What? You want to pass on the party? Are you just like the _adults_?"

He pointed his bubble wand at me, making me gulp. I shook my head hastily. I had never been so intimidated by bubbles.

Bubbler nodded. "That's what I thought. Now come on, we've got a party to plan!"

* * *

Remember what I said about parties? I still didn't like them, even when Bubbler was trying to force me to.

We were partying behind the Agreste mansion, music blaring out of a speaker. Bowls of party food were sitting on white tables. Colourful decorations had been hung around the mansion. I ignored all that and gazed at the sky. All the adults in the entire city had been placed inside bubbles, and were floating in the sky. Including my parents, which was straight up pissing me off.

Everyone was dancing, but they didn't look happy at all, aside from Adrien and Bubbler. I couldn't blame them. The music was way too loud (my poor hearing), and we were being forced to party against our will. Plus, I had literally no idea who anyone was, or why I was there in the first place. Also, none of them had any idea that _Chat Noir_ himself was literally among them, and not doing _anything_ to help.

 _Where's Ladybug?_ I thought, annoyed. _And what's Adrien doing? Turn into Chat Noir already, you idiot!_

I walked over to Adrien, who was trying to avoid Chloé forcing him to a slow dance. Of course _she_ was taking advantage of a horrible situation.

"I wonder when Chat Noir and Ladybug are going to show up," I muttered to Adrien. "No offence, man, but this party is pretty lame."

Adrien's face fell. "It is?"

"Just being honest," I replied (hint hint). And then it was time for me to bounce. I was not staying that hellhole, no way. I'd done my part, and now I was… done.

I strolled up to the Bubbler.

"Um," I spoke up. "I've gotta go to the toilet."

"Sure, go ahead," Bubbler told me. His glare became icy. "But don't even think about running off."

"Wouldn't dream of it," I muttered.

I walked off, sneakily leaving the party behind. I smirked at my own stealth abilities… until I almost ran straight into Marinette.

"Oh!" she gasped, nearly jumping out of her skin. "Uh! John, hi!"

 _Where the Hell were you?_ I felt like saying. Instead, I said,

"Heyyyy," I said, trying not to sound pissed off. "Bubbler's kind of made a mess of things. We're all wondering when Ladybug and Chat Noir are going to show up."

(Hint hint...)

"Oh, uh, right," Marinette nodded. "I'm sure they'll be here soon!"

And she went to the party, leaving me alone. I breathed out. Even though Bubbler had told me not to… as you can tell, I was definitely 100% leaving. Who in their right mind would stay in that hellhole? And besides, both the heroes were there. I'd done my part, and I was finished.

Looking left and right, I made a run for it. I ran across the streets, gulping in breaths of air. Time for a break.

The sky was full of bubbled adults, which made me think of the Matrix for some reason. A chill went through my body. I had a feeling Bubbler would eventually get sick of the other kids and bubble them too. Ironic, isn't it? Then he'd be alone forever. No fun for anyone.

I paused, leaning against a mailbox. _Well, I'm safe now. It's gonna be fi-_

"Where do you think you're going?!"

_Oh just kill me now._

I turned around, facing Bubbler glaring down at me. I suddenly felt _really_ short.

"I told you not to run away, Jaune," he growled. He pulled out his bubble wand, pointing it at me _again_. "But if you wanna get out of here so bad… I'll send you straight to the heavens!"

 _You could at least get my name right while threatening me_ , I thought bitterly.

I covered my face, pretty useless as always. Then, out of nowhere, a red yoyo came flying through the air, wrapping around Bubbler's hand. He cried out, glaring at Ladybug. Chat Noir appeared beside me, holding out his staff.

I breathed out in relief. "Thanks, Mar- Ladybug, uh, Chat Noir." (Hey, I still have manners.)

Bubbler bared his teeth. He pointed his bubble wand at the superheroes, sending a flurry of super-fast red bubbles in their direction. They avoided them like the professionals they were. I had to blink twice. I still couldn't believe Marinette and Ladybug were the same person. Where did Marinette get all of her fighting skills from? Was it the costume? Maybe _that's_ why people thought they were different people.

I wished I had _my_ own costume that gave me supreme fighting skills. I crawled backwards, using the mailbox to help me stand up. I made another mad dash, clutching my hearing aid. The music from that stupid party had not gone through well.

"Quit running away, you damn moron!" Bubbler shouted at me, waving his bubble wand.

"Focus on your own problems, you-" And then I called him a pretty nasty insult in French that I'm not gonna translate here. He was so offended that he forgot all about Chat Noir and Ladybug, who got the jump on him.

"Damn you, Jaune!" Bubbler shouted.

I decided to skip over the name thing and try to leave for a _third_ time. Bubbler glared at Chat Noir and Ladybug, before making a run for it. The superheroes began chasing him all over Paris, bubbles flying everywhere. I'm not omnipotent so I couldn't spy on them, but I imagine it went down similar to a Scooby Doo chase scene.

I stood up, rubbing my head.

 _Man_ , I thought. _I hate parties._

* * *

I managed to make it back home, after the whole Bubbler incident was over. My mom and step-mom were back, relieved to be on the ground. My step-sisters were still annoying, but I was glad it was over. I was not going to be attending any more parties anytime soon. Or just go anywhere with bubbles.

My dad sent me a text, telling me he was also glad to be back on the ground and that he had a life-time fear of bubbles. Go figure.

I lied on my bed. _Alright, I'm sure that's the last of it. No more crazy adventures._

Ah, poor naive Jonathan. This is only the beginning.


	3. My new fear of pigeons

I have a confession to make: I like knitting.

Yeah, I know, it's not the most manly hobby, but I still enjoy it. And guess what? My dad actually introduced it to me. He was a big fan of sewing, knitting, _and_ crocheting. He even owned an online store where he sold his hand-knitted products.

"Going well?" Dad asked, peering over my shoulder. I was working on a scarf that I'd been making for a while. Yeah, knitting is pretty time-consuming. But it was turning out pretty okay: nice colours, good form, my poor fingers…

"I guess," I shrugged.

Dad clapped my shoulder. Like me, he had olive skin, but his brown hair was a lot darker. His name was Abbé Couture, and he had a rounded beard, hairy arms, and brown eyes. He was kind of on the chubby side, wearing a red sweater, tracksuit pants, and brown sneakers. He lived in a much smaller house than my mom did, a lot junkier too, but I actually liked his house more than my mom's.

It was nostalgic, since he'd lived in the place since I was a baby. He'd been using the same old red walls and wooden floor for years. He had lots of junk lying around, even in his room. The living room was kind of a mess, with an old TV, a half-dead computer, and a surprisingly comfy couch. He always made a good dinner for the two of us, and we'd sit on the couch, watching TV and eating our food. Even though the TV had crap quality we could still laugh over old cringey movies.

As much as I liked my mom's house, it was always full of people. Either Avril or the vermin twins or some of her friends, I didn't get to see Mom as much as I might've wanted. But at my dad's? It was just me and him. And I liked that. It was good. I didn't want it to change.

Today's story starts in my bedroom, with me sitting at my super-messy desk. My desk was right in front of the window, so I could people-watch whenever I wanted. My bed was next to me, also kind of messy. It had way too many pillows, for a start. The red walls had a few old Metallica and Pink Floyd posters, and maybe a car poster or two. The floor had a grey mat under the bed.

"Looks like it," Dad agreed. He put his arms behind his head. "Y'know, John, if you get good enough at knitting, you could start your own fashion line."

"It's more of a hobby, Dad," I rectified. "I don't want to get too serious with it."

Dad shrugged. "Well, it's up to you. You're pretty good, kiddo. You take after your old man."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, sure, whatever."

"You could at least check out Adrien Agreste's next photoshoot," Dad told me. "Who knows? You might get some inspiration. After all, I think that boy's the same age as you, and he's already modelling."

"A photo shoot?" I snorted. "No thanks."

And besides, the previous two times I'd seen Adrien, bad things happened. I don't believe in superstition, but I was not risking a third time.

"Aw, c'mon John," Dad grinned. "Give it a go. You can't knock it until you try it!"

He had his 'dad eyes' on, so I gave in.

"Fine," I groaned. "I'll go."

* * *

You'd think after the last time I wouldn't go for anymore walks, but there I was.

This time I decided to avoid the park and instead, I went over to the Trocadéro. The Trocadéro is an area of Paris, across the Seine from the Eiffel Tower. In case you've never seen it, the Trocadéro is pretty much a bunch of buildings surrounding a park. There's plenty of places to sit around and people-watch. (Trust me, I don't people watch that much.)

So anyway, I went over there since I like the Trocadéro a lot. And you'll never guess who I saw. It was Mar- gotcha! It was a weirdo who looked like a pigeon _feeding_ pigeons! I'd seen the guy before. He was technically not supposed to be feeding pigeons since it was illegal, but he continued doing it anyway.*

Even though he was doing something illegal, I couldn't hate the guy too much. He seemed like a nice man, and he actually liked pigeons. Rare sight here.

I gave the guy a brief smile before continuing my walk. Then I saw another familiar face.

This time it actually was Marinette. She was doodling away in her sketchbook, glancing up at the Eiffel Tower. Next to her was this weird little floating creature that looked like a cartoon ladybug mixed with a Pop Funko figurine. I almost pulled my eyes out right then and there. Marinette was basically selling herself right out in the open! How could anyone deny it now?

"Uh, hey," I said, walking over to Marinette.

The little ladybug creature disappeared into Marinette's bag. Out of respect for Marinette I decided to pretend I didn't see it. Yeah, I wasn't ready for that conversation yet.

"Oh, hi John!" Marinette waved at me.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"I'm designing a derby hat for Adrien Agreste's fashion shoot," she told me. She blushed when saying Adrien's name.

 _Oh great, she's going to the shoot,_ I thought, groaning internally. _I can't get away from these people._

"But I can't come up with any ideas," Marinette said, frowning. "Have you got any suggestions?"

"What about him?" I asked. I pointed to the pigeon guy from before. He was spreading bird food around, feeding tons of pigeons. One of them flew up on his arm, making him smile. It was both wholesome and extremely weird, because he himself looked like a pigeon. It was also still technically very illegal, but saying that would ruin the moment, wouldn't it?

"Scram, you winged brats!"

A police officer stormed up to the man, arms folded.

"How many times do you need to be told, Mr. Ramier?" the officer demanded. "No. Feeding. The pigeons!" He ripped the bag of bird feed out of the man's hand. "It's strictly forbidden; if everyone feeds them they'll leave their waste everywhere!"

"But then who's going to feed my poor pigeons?" Mr. Ramier asked.

"All the park owners know about you Mr. Ramier, you're banned from every park in Paris!" the officer shouted. "Leave now, or I'll call the authorities!" He tapped his head. "Oh, wait, I'm the authorities… GET OUT!"

Mr. Ramier sighed, slumping out of the park.

"Sheesh," Marinette frowned. "I almost feel sorry for that man..."

I had a bad feeling about him. He was in a bad mood, which could only mean one thing.

"I've gotta go," I told Marinette. "Later."

"Oh, bye John!" Marinette waved, as I got up. I briefly saw her sketching away a pigeon-themed derby hat, nonchalant as ever. I breathed in. I was not sticking around when a guy was going to get akumatized.

 _Wait, what about Marinette?_ My conscience asked.

 _She's Ladybug,_ I told it. _It's her job to deal with these things._

 _At least warn her,_ my conscience said.

 _Fine_ , I replied.

"Hey, uh," I turned back to Marinette. "Maybe you should leave too. I have a feeling something bad is going to happen here."

"Something bad?" Marinette asked, raising her brow.

"Yeah," I nodded. "Keep an eye out."

I walked off, hands in my pockets. Just as I was leaving, I spotted something odd. I saw a girl with short, ginger hair and a phone sneaking up on Marinette. She used her phone camera to zoom in on Marinette's design when she lifted it up. She then took a photo of Marinette's design.

 _What the Hell?_ I thought, scowling.

The ginger-haired girl grinned to herself, running off.

 _Yeah, she's definitely up to no good_ , I thought. _I've got to tell Marinette._

I know it was kind of awkward since I'd just told Marinette I was leaving, but I couldn't let the felony go unseen. I turned back around, but Marinette was walking off. I chased after her, following her down the stairs. Shame I'm not a good runner.

"Hey, Marinette!" I said, catching her attention as she was getting on the bus.

"Huh?" Marinette turned to face me. "John! What's up?"

I had no choice but to get on the bus with her, so I did.

"I saw…" I began panting. "A girl… taking a photo… of your…"

"My what?" Marinette asked, reaching out to steady me.

The bus suddenly stopped, nearly making us trip over each other.

"What's going on?" Marinette asked, staring at the bus driver.

"Sorry folks, we've got a situation here," the bus driver said. "Please get off the bus now."

I gazed out the windows. Cars were swerved across the road, and two other buses had nearly collided. Marinette and I made our way off the bus. For some reason, there were pigeons all over the road.

_Oh no..._

"What the…" Marinette frowned.

We turned to face a news screen on top of a building. The news was showing pictures of pigeons all over Paris, plus tons of destruction as well. Crashed trains, cars, buses, damaged property… what the actual Hell was going on?

"Pigeons have taken over Paris," a newscaster said. "This is just one of many alarming situations giving authorities major cause for concern." She grabbed her ear-piece. "Yes, I've just been told that someone named 'Mr. Pigeon' is making an announcement."

The camera switched to the Eiffel Tower, where a man wearing a skin-tight suit with black forearms, waist and thighs, dark grey belly, light grey chest, shoulder and biceps, and pink shins and head was standing. The suit also had black stripes on his triceps and around his upper hips, along with two light blue spots where his bow tie was. A familiar bird call whistle was around his neck.

"Oh, dreary day, poor Parisians!" he cooed (like a pigeon). "Rooo roloo! Sorry to ruffle your feathers, but Paris now belongs to the pigeons! Ro rolooo!" He flapped his arms.

 _You've gotta be kidding me…_ I thought. _These villains get more and more ridiculous._

"Oh no…" Marinette muttered, face shadowing over. "Um, I've gotta go, John. See you later."

She ran off before I could respond, thankfully to put on her alter ego. As for me? I was heading straight home. I did not want anything to do with those pigeons, nuh uh.

I slipped through the crowds, pigeons flying through the air. I saw them forming plane shapes, straight out of WW2. I began to wonder if pigeons were going to start the next World War.

I kept running, putting my hands over my head. The traffic was getting worse and worse, and people were running around and screaming.

 _Calm down, you morons_ , I thought, clutching my hearing aid. _It's just pigeons!_

All of the sudden, a ton of pigeons appeared out of nowhere. They flew right in front of me, getting in my way.

 _Just my luck_ , I thought, scowling.

I tried to swerve around them, but more and more of the damn pests kept showing up. They surrounded me, trapping me in a wall of pigeons and their demonic pigeon eyes.

"Get away from me!" I yelled, holding up my hands.

They didn't listen, and closed in. I was utterly thwarted by pigeons.

"Augh!" I shouted a pretty bad French curse word. "Someone help, dammit!"

And then the pigeons got way too close and personal, trapping me in something like a net. I tried to shove them away again, but of course I fell over. They lifted my defenseless self up into the air. I wiggled around as they carried me up, up, up into the sky.

"HELP!" I shouted, trying to shake them off. But of course, no one was there to save me as the pigeons carried me away. I decided to stop trying to shake them off because I didn't want them to drop me and send me plummeting to my death, but I couldn't stop trembling. I was developing a nasty fear of pigeons. And heights, for that matter.

 _Calm down_ , I tried to soothe myself. _I'll just call the police, and-_

And then I was dumped onto the ground like a piece of garbage. I blinked and shook my head, looking around. I was in the Grand Palais, a large historic site, museum, and exhibition hall. The ceilings were high and grand, covered in windows. As beautiful as it was, to my sides, police officers were stuck inside cages. Also, pigeons had destroyed my life, souring my mood. I sat up, my hands shaking.

"Roo roloo!" I heard Mr. Pigeon's ear-grating call. The man himself stood on a ledge near the ceiling, grinning down at me. Pigeons were situated everywhere, like bodyguards.

"What do you want with me?!" I demanded, standing up.

"Flap flap!" Mr. Pigeon flapped his arms. "It's very simple, little boy! You will be the heir to the Pigeon Throne!"

"Excuse me?!" I demanded. _Why in all of Hell is there a fucking pigeon monarchy?!_

"Of all the people I've met, you're one of the few who has respected and appreciated pigeons!" he boomed. "You deserve this title more than anyone!"

"I think I'd rather die," I muttered. Plus, all of my 'respect and appreciation' for pigeons was completely gone. Thanks asshole.

I was about to try and leave, but of course, out of nowhere a cage fell on top of me. I groaned, grabbing the metal bars. Welp, I was thoroughly and utterly trapped by a crazy pigeon man. I had honestly never seen it coming.

 _Heir to the Pigeon Throne, huh…_ I thought. _Yeah, put that on my résumé. Employers will be begging me to work for them._

And then one of the upper windows crashed open. I glanced up, seeing none other than Ladybug and Chat Noir, posing somewhat heroically.

 _Oh thank the gods,_ I thought.

Chat Noir and Ladybug jumped down, startling Mr. Pigeon. He fell off his ledge, landing on a bed of pigeons.

Mr. Pigeon ran across the floor, summoning armies of pigeons. He sent them flying towards Chat Noir, who began coughing and sneezing. Unable to attack, he was slammed against my cage.

"Oh, hey," he greeted, giving me a lopsided grin. "You're a pretty unlucky guy, huh, buddy?"

Oh the words I wanted to say, I can't even say what they were in English.

"Thanks for the encouragement," I uttered instead.

Meanwhile, Ladybug got out her lucky charm. She used it to… buy herself a pack of popcorn from a vending machine?

"Chat Noir!" she yelled. She flung the bag of popcorn into the air. Chat Noir sent his staff flying towards the popcorn, and ripped the packet open. The popcorn rained down on Mr. Pigeon.

"Snack time, pigeons!" Ladybug yelled. The pigeons swarmed Mr. Pigeon. I suppose food is their main drive after all. While he was distracted, Ladybug used her yo-yo to wrap around Mr. Pigeon's bird whistle. The item came flying off, landing on the ground.

"YAAHHHHH!" Ladybug, Chat Noir, and Mr. Pigeon raced towards the bird whistle. Their hands sat on top of it. Ladybug used her fist to smash down on the other hands, crushing the whistle.

"No!" Mr. Pigeon shouted.

"Time to de-evilize!" Ladybug yelled. She used her yoyo to remove the akuma from the bird whistle. "Miraculous Ladybug!"

And with a wave of her hand, the cages surrounding me and the police officers were gone. I fell to my knees, watching Ladybug and Chat Noir high-five.

 _Thank God for that,_ I thought. _I'm never going near a pigeon again._

* * *

"Marinette!" I yelled, catching up with Marinette as she was walking through the Place des Vosges.

"Huh?" Marinette asked, facing me.

"I saw a girl taking a photo of your design," I told her. "I think she wants to steal it."

"Really?" she asked.

"Yeah," I said. "That's what I wanted to tell you before."

"Oh," Marinette nodded. "I see. Thanks, John!"

She gave me a thumbs up, hiding the scowl on her face. I sighed, collapsing in on myself.

Safe to say, I wasn't surprised when I saw Adrien wearing Marinette's hat at his next show. However, I was so done with pigeons I left early when I saw it. Dad wasn't happy, but then again, he hasn't been kidnapped by pigeons before, so it was justified in my opinion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Little fun fact: it actually is illegal to feed pigeons in Paris IRL. They're considered pests.
> 
> Also should I change the rating for the swearing? I mean it won't be too much but idk...


	4. I almost freeze to death

" _Welcome to the finals of our KIDZ+ competition, where today, one lucky winner will be announced as our brand new KIDZ+ weather girl!_ "

After that obnoxiously loud voice, two girls got out of a limousine. They walked down a red carpet, an audience screaming their names. The show cut to the girls and the guy with the annoyingly loud voice standing on a stage. His name was Alec Cataldi, and he looked almost as annoying as he sounded.

" _We started off with over 5,000 contestants_ ," Alec told us. " _But thanks to the viewers at home, we narrowed it down to these two amazing young ladies! So let's welcome our fantastic finalists! To my right, Aurore Beauréal!_ "

A tanned girl with blonde pigtails and a yellow umbrella made a peace sign at the camera.

" _And on my left, Mireille Caquet!_ " Alec said, pointing to a shyer-looking girl with short, dark blue hair and brown eyes. " _Who will be our lucky winner? Vote now on your phones! Text message rates apply._ "

"Mireille!" my step-sisters chanted. "Mireille!"

"When are you going to invite a friend over, John?" Mom asked, stealing my attention. She was seated next to me, arms folded. She didn't look happy about me being a couch potato, even though I wasn't invested in the show at all. I was just relaxing, really.

"Maybe I will when you make those pests leave," I grunted, slumping into the couch. Piss was snoring away next to me. (Honestly, it wasn't like I had a lot of friends to invite over, but anyway.)

"Johnny!" Lucetta shouted, jumping next to me. "Get out your phone!"

"Get lost," I rolled over. I fiddled with my hearing aid, and drowned out some of her yelling.

"Get it out!" Mardi insisted, jumping on top of me.

"Get off!" I snapped, shoving her off. She landed on her butt.

"Mommy!" Mardi began crying. "John pushed me!"

"You jumped on top of me!" I snapped.

Mom sighed, shaking her head. "You're all getting too worked up over this silly show. How about you three go out for a walk?"

"No way in Hell," I grumbled.

Mom glared at me. "Johnathan, take your sisters out for a walk, or no internet for a week."

"Fine, I'll go!" I shouted, standing up. "And they're _not_ my sisters. I don't have any real siblings."

I stormed off before Mom could shout at me again.

* * *

"Wheeeeeee!"

"Hey, get back here!" I yelled at Mardi, who was leagues ahead of me.

"Come and get me, Johnny!" Lucetta teased, running off in the other direction.

I wanted to jump into the drain and join Pennywise. Why did Mom think I could handle the two brats? I was horrible with kids, family or not. I was tempted to just walk off and leave them, but I knew Mom would kill me.

"Hi, John!"

Oh my goodness, would you believe it, Marinette herself was walking over to me. Because my day was just going fantastically already.

"Hey," I said, trying not to sound grumpy.

"Small world, huh?" Marinette joked.

 _Way too small,_ I thought.

"Hey, Marinette!" a voice yelled. A different girl came over to us, holding hands with another little girl. I realised the girl was Marinette's friend I'd seen previously. She looked to be Martiniquan Creole with hazel eyes, and a mole above her forehead. Her hair was wavy and reddish-brown ombre, growing slightly past her shoulders. She wore black horn-rimmed glasses, a white tank top underneath a short-sleeved plaid shirt with coloured stripes, light blue jeans, and white sneakers with black tops.

The little girl with her was short with tan skin, messy dark brown hair pulled back into two ponytails, golden-brown eyes, and two upper front buck teeth. She wore a white t-shirt, purple denim overalls with a light purple flower pattern, and red dress shoes.

"Who's this?" Marinette's friend asked, scanning me over.

"Oh, this is John," Marinette told her friend. "He's a customer at the bakery, and we've seen each other a few times around the city."

"And you are…?" I asked, staring at her friend.

"Alya Césaire," the friend greeted, shaking my hand. She gestured to the girl beside her. "And this little angel is Manon."

Manon blinked at me. "You have something funny on your ear!"

"That's my hearing aid," I replied, covering it with a hand.

Lucetta and Mardi materialised behind me. "You actually have friends, John?"

"Shut it," I snapped at them. "I _literally_ just met her." I gestured to Alya.

"Your sisters?" Marinette asked, raising a brow.

" _Step_ -sisters," I corrected.

The demon twins blinked cutely. Marinette seemed won over, but Alya was more skeptical.

"Looks like you've got your hands full," Alya told me, patting my shoulder. "Come on, Mari! We're gonna miss Adrien's photo shoot!"

"Oh, crap!" Marinette gasped. "We've gotta go!" She waved at me. "See you later, John!"

The girls ran off, Manon giving me a side glance.

 _Adrien again, huh?_ I thought. _Oh, geez…_

"Do you like herrrr?" the demon twins teased, grinning at me.

"You mean Marinette?" I snorted. "Every time I see her, I get put into life-threatening situations. So no, not particularly."

"Whatever," my step-sisters huffed.

* * *

We walked around the city for a while. I guess luck was on my side for once since we didn't run into any mortal peril. Of course I was just being wistful. We would run into it eventually. That was what my life had become.

The demon twins demanded sugar so I bought them some fairy floss to shut them up. As we continued walking around, I heard some strangers having an interesting chat.

"I wonder who Ladybug could be," one of the strangers said. "Her identity is so mysterious."

"Yeah," the other agreed. "Same with Chat Noir. I haven't got a clue."

I tried not to groan out loud.

"Anyway, have you seen Adrien Agreste's newest photoshoot?" the first one asked. "He is so cute!"

"I know," the other nodded. "C'mon, let's go to Sabine and Tom's Boulangerie Patisserie! Maybe that nice girl Marinette will be there."

They linked arms and walked off. I tried not to pull my eyes out.

 _They have the same hairstyle and the same voices_ , I fumed. _How could anyone_ not _tell them apart?!_

We eventually arrived at the Place des Vosges, where we saw a carousel, Adrien doing a photoshoot next to a fountain, and Marinette and her friends spying on him. There was also a guy selling balloons with Mireille's face on them. So I guess it's pretty obvious who won that contest.

"Johnny!" Mardi tugged my arm. "We wanna go on the carousel!"

"Seriously?" I asked, raising my brow. "Aren't you too old for that?"

"No way," Lucetta shook her head. "We heard it can go super fast!"

"Where'd you hear that?" I asked, rolling my eyes. "And besides, I already got you the candy floss. You've had enough today."

"Johhnnnyyyyyyyyyyy," they both whined, tugging my arms. "Johhhnnnnnyyyy!"

"Fine, fine," I covered my hearing aid with an escaped hand. "You can go on the stupid carousel."

I led them over to the carousel. Just as I did, Marinette was also walking over there, Manon racing ahead of her.

"Hey!" Manon waved at me. "It's the guy with the funny thing on his ear!"

"His name is Johnny," Lucetta told her, smirking.

"It's John," I corrected, quickly.

"He likes being called Johnny, though," Lucetta replied.

I resisted the urge to throttle her.

"Hey, John, could you do me a big favour?" Marinette turned to me. "Could you keep an eye on Manon for a little while?"

"I'm really, really bad with kids," I told her. "I can't even look after my step-sisters."

"I would get Alya, but she had to take a phone call," Marinette said. She frowned. "Actually… nevermind. You're right. It's not fair to force that on you."

"Are you doing something important?" I asked.

"Just watching a photoshoot, but it's fine," Marinette told me, wistfully. "There's always next time."

"You know what?" I sighed. "I'm feeling nice. I'll look after Manon. You go and watch your photoshoot."

Marinette's face lit up. "Oh, really? Thank you so much, John!"

She ran off, leaving me alone with Manon. She stared up at me, blinking as if she couldn't see me clearly.

"What does that thing on your ear do?" she asked.

"It helps me hear," I told her. "I was born deaf in my left ear, so…"

"He's actually half robot," Lucetta added.

"Yeah," Mardi agreed. "He acts like one two!" She started doing the robot. "Johnny the robot!"

"Do you want to go on the carousel or not?" I asked, crossing my arms.

Before they could answer, a girl appeared in the sky. She was floating, and had an evil sneer on her face. I think you know what that means.

"Stay back," I warned the girls.

The floating girl had pale skin and light purple-gray eyes. Her hair was two tones with dark purple base and periwinkle bangs, while her low-angled twintails were striped with dark purple and periwinkle spirals. On her face, she had jagged black face paint that surrounded her eyes , coming down as lightning bolts.

Her outfit was a tight, muted purple and blue two-piece dress that poofed into a curved bell-shape around her waist, and had small shoulder puffs. The sleeves became white gloves with two of the lighting bolts above her elbows. She wore muted purple tights that became small-heeled white boots, with lightning designs. She wielded a closed dark purple parasol that had a black handle with a double spearhead at the bottom.

But it was too late for us to escape. She waved her parasol, sending out an icy, snowstorm-like wind. I covered my head, the wind pricking my face. It wrapped around the girls and I, trapping us in a prison made of ice. I slammed my fists against the ice, but it didn't help much. My teeth chattered.

_At least Chat Noir and Ladybug are here…_

Speak of the devil, Ladybug came running towards us, placing her hands on the ice. Her face was creased in concern.

"Don't worry," she told us. "I'm gonna get you guys out of there, okay?"

She wrapped her yo-yo's string around the ice and tugged. "Wire cut!"

 _No way that's gonna work_ , I thought. I was right; the string just flew off, and hit Ladybug in the face. She sighed, standing up.

"Alright, Plan B," she declared.

Manon pressed against the ice. "Where's Marinette?"

 _Right in front of you_ , I thought, sighing internally.

"Don't worry, she hasn't forgotten about you, Manon," Ladybug assured her. "She just had to go for a second, okay?"

"How do you know my name?" Manon asked.

Ladybug stuttered. "Uh, Marinette told me! Don't worry, I think John can look after you for now, right?"

"Uh, sure, Mar- Ladybug," I said, smiling weakly.

Ladybug nodded. "Stay calm, I'll be right back!"

She dashed off, leaving us alone in the cold, icy prison.

 _I hate my life,_ I thought, slumping to my knees. I snuck my face in there too.

"Hey, get up, Johnny," Lucetta said, kicking my side. "You're supposed to be the big brother here!"

"I'm not your brother," I uttered.

"Why do you keep saying that?" Mardi cried.

"Because it's true," I told her, pulling my hands through my icy hair. "You aren't my siblings."

"I'm cold…" Manon whimpered. She began to cry.

"Don't cry," Mardi said, giving her a hug. "It's okay. Ladybug will come and save us."

 _She better,_ I thought, clenching my fists.

"But what if she doesn't come?" Manon whimpered.

"She will," Mardi assured her. "Right, John?"

She was staring at me, intently. I glanced at her face; her lip was trembling.

"Yeah," I nodded. "She'll come."

Lucetta didn't say anything. She sat beside me.

"Do you hate us?" she asked.

"Yep," I replied.

I heard cracks from above. The ice was growing towards us, the icicles like daggers. Fear was brewing in my stomach, and my skin was going pale. I hugged myself a little more. But I couldn't stop trembling.

"Do you really?" Lucetta asked, grabbing my arm. She was shivering. For once, she didn't look cocky and confident.

And for once, _I_ decided I could try the whole 'big brother' thing.

I sighed, putting my arm around her shoulders. "No. But I was an only-child until I was eleven, Luce. And I liked being an only-child. Then my parents broke up… and a few months later, you, your sister, and your mom showed up all at once. It was a lot to take in."

Lucetta sniffled. "That was after Papa died…"

I winced. I'd almost forgotten about their deceased father.

"Hey, c'mon…" I let her lean into me. Mardi showed up on my other side, holding Manon's hand. She was giving me puppy dog eyes. I sighed, wrapping my other arm around both the girls. They were way too close for comfort, even with the ice closing in on us. But for the meantime, I'd let them stay.

A siren caught my attention. A bunch of firefighters came racing towards us. They were wielding ice picks.

"Stay calm, guys!" they told us. "We'll get you out!"

I doubted that, but I didn't say anything for the girls' sake.

 _I swear to the Gods, Marinette, Adrien_ , I thought. _You better save us._

I closed my eyes, feeling the air grow colder, and the girls crying. The ice was centimeters away. My lips were going blue.

 _Crap_ , I thought. _I'm going to die here._

CRACK!

… and then the ice was suddenly gone. We were saved. Nothing but a faint chilly breeze was left behind.

"Yayyyy!" Manon cheered, standing up.

I stood up, my sisters still clinging onto me. For a few moments, I kind of sat there in disbelief. It had gone as quick as it came.

"Where's Marinette?" Manon asked, looking at me.

"She'll be here soon enough," I sighed.

Soon after I said that, Marinette came running over. I didn't pay her any attention. Instead, I turned back to my step-sisters.

"Come on," I told them. "Let's go and get a hot chocolate."


	5. Time travel is a mess

I'm going to be honest: I didn't have many friends.

I mean, I knew a few people at school. Maybe enough to say 'hi' in the corridor too. I kind of floated between people. In all honesty, I preferred being by myself. But I couldn't help but feel weird being by myself all the time. People gave me funny looks, thought something was wrong with me, even though I was just being my introverted self. It drove me crazy.

Plus, other people were too loud and crazy. Hearing aid aside, it got pretty annoying.

Even though I didn't have a lot of friends at school, I did have a friend... outside of school. Her name was Alix Kubdel, and she was a hell of a lot cooler than me. She was a skater chick ( _rollerblade_ chick, specifically), always getting into trouble, somewhat of a delinquent. A _tomboy_ , I daresay. She was kind of the opposite to me: I'm a pretty boring guy, I'm reserved, and I usually follow the rules. Well, opposites attract, I suppose.

Speaking of Alix, I was walking down the street, trying to avoid people when she came over to me.

"John!" she said, reaching up and putting an arm on my shoulder.

She was pretty short, with tan skin, blue eyes, and pink hair in a bob. She wore a black cap with a black old English S logo. Her outfit consisted of a black long-sleeved, slate gray shirt underneath a dark brown tank top. Each sleeve had a lime green scale patterned fabric snake. She also wore black jean shorts with black lace at the cuffs, and lime green checkered sides. As usual, she was riding along on her rollerblades.

"Uh, hey," I said, gazing down at her. "What are you up to?"

"Remember that bet I told you about?" she asked.

"You mean that with one… what's his name?" I asked. "That race or whatever?"

"Kim Chiến Lê," Alix told me, chuckling. "That idiot thinks I'll lose against him in a race."

"Does he now," I said with faint enthusiasm. What, I had no idea who that Kim guy was!

"I'm gonna own him, John," Alix told me. "Come along, I'll show you!"

I was going to say no, but Alix was my friend or whatever, and *insert cheesy line about friends supporting each other*, so I decided to come along. She was way too excited, racing ahead of me. I felt like a parent chasing after a toddler. Or a brother chasing after his annoying demon twin step-sisters.

Anyway, we eventually arrived at the Trocadéro. Since it's a big, open area, there was plenty of space for a rollerblade race. Standing there was a small crowd, including Marinette and Adrien who I couldn't seem to get away from. Marinette and Nino were holding up a banner that had Alix and the Kim guy drawn on it. Most of the crowd seemed to be on Team Alix.

There was also a big guy there with his arms folded across his chest. He was wearing a red hoodie and had a ridiculous hairdo. Something told me he was the infamous Kim.

"You all picked the wrong side to cheer on," he told the audience. "Alix isn't even showing up. Probably too chicken to race against a big champion like me."

"Spoke too soon, Kim," Alix jeered, sliding next to him. "Your ridiculous bets are over. I'm gonna leave you in the dust, meathead."

"You're no match for me," Kim scowled, crossing his arms. "My neck is bigger than your thigh."

And the title for the lamest insult goes to…

"Ah, John!" Adrien waved at me. "What are you doing here?"

"She wanted me to come," I pointed at Alix, who was preparing for the race.

"Oh, you're friends with her too?" Adrien asked. "That's pretty cool!"

"Small world," I muttered grouchily.

"I know, right?" Adrien agreed cheerfully.

"Let's review the official rules!" a guy shouted, getting between Alix and Kim. I found out later his name was Max. "Two laps around the fountains, approx. 500 yards. First one across the finish line is the victor!" He gestured to a white line spray-painted on the ground. "If Kim triumphs, Alix will hand over her rollerblades. If Alix triumphs, Kim will not be allowed to participate in any competitions for the rest of the year."

"No more stupid dares!" the students cheered.

"What's the deal with Kim anyway?" I asked Adrien.

"Uh, well…" Adrien scratched the back of his head.

"He's a meat-head always making these stupid dares and thinking he's really tough," said a random girl. "We're sick of it!"

The other students nodded in agreement. I decided to just go along with it.

"Ready?" Max asked. "Get set…"

"Hold up!" Alix yelled. She startled Kim, making him fall on his face. She made her way over to us.

"Hold onto this, will ya, Alya?" she asked, offering Alya a silver pocket watch.

Alya hesitated. "Hold on, girl, I can't-"

"Guard it with your life," Alix told her. "It's a family heirloom!"

I suddenly got a really bad feeling. I turned to Alya.

"Hey, uh-" Too late, she gave it to Marinette.

"Go!" Max shouted. And the race began.

Meanwhile, Marinette was getting pulled all over the place by an over-enthusiastic Nino. She gasped, dropping the pocket watch. Luckily, Adrien was there to catch it. He decided to hold onto it. As nice as a guy he was, I didn't really trust him with the watch.

I turned to him. "Um, Adr-"

"Ooh, what've you got there, Adrikins?" Chloé asked, reaching over Adrien's shoulder. Ugh, I forgot she existed.

"It's Alix's pocket watch," Adrien told her. She suddenly snatched it out of his hands.

"If it's Alix's, it's probably worthless," Chloé scoffed.

Oh I wanted to throttle her so bad.

"Chloé, give it back," Marinette scolded, trying to grab the pocket watch. And that was where disaster struck. The pocket watch went flying out of Chloé's hand, landing on the racetrack. Alix rode right over it, crushing it. I tensed up.

"Yeah!" Alix cheered, raising her hands. "That was barely a…" She trailed off, noticing the broken pocket watch. She glared at Alya. "Did you do this?!"

"I had to film the race, so I handed it to Marinette," Alya said quickly. "Then she gave it to Adrien, who gave it to Chloé, who dropped it, and then you skated over it…" She finished her statement with a nervous grin.

"My old man gave me this for my birthday," Alix held the pocket watch's corpse. "This watch is totally a family heirloom!"

"It was an accident!" Marinette cried.

"We didn't mean any harm, Alix," Adrien agreed.

"Except me," Chloé scoffed. "I had nothing to do with it."

Holy crap I had to try _so_ hard not to scream at her.

Alix looked away, tears streaming down her face. "You're all to blame!" She skated away.

"Alix!" Marinette shouted, chasing after her, still carrying the stupid banner.

I sighed, preparing myself for another marathon. "Wait up!"

Alix skated down the Trocadéro, head hanging. Marinette and I chased after her. Gods, I hated all the running involved in friendship.

"Alix, please," Marinette pleaded. "Maybe we can fix it!"

"It was a one of its kind," Alix spat. "How are you supposed to fix that? Go back in time and change the future?!"

I stopped, panting heavily. "Alix… you have to… calm down…"

Alix glared at me. "Calm down?! John, did you even see what just happened?!"

I raised my hands, gulping in some more air. "Alix… what I mean is…"

Too late. An akuma was flying towards her.

"Alix, the akuma!" I shouted, quickly straightening my posture. "Avoid it!"

The akuma landed on her shoe, covering her in a black goo.

"Great," I uttered. I ran off, giving her quite a distance. Marinette gasped, also running off. I hoped she'd be able to deal with whatever the Hell Alix was becoming.

I hid behind a marble wall, something rushing past. The wind blew through my messy hair. It was a girl dressed in a black helmet with red spiked edges on the back and two green eye shields over each eye. She also wore a nearly black suit with lime green patches around her body. On her chest, there was a glowing red hourglass shape. Her roller blades were black with two glowing white wheels on each one. A power bar was on the sides of the blades.

Wait, a power bar… what the Hell?

Alix, unfortunately akumatized, raced past Kim. He stood as still as a statue, and then suddenly began to fade, sort of like in Infinity War. The others screamed and ran away. I almost passed out.

"Stop it, Alix!" Marinette shouted. "What are you doing?!"

"It's Timebreaker now," Alix hissed. "And I'm gonna go back in time and save my watch, using all you punks to do it!"

"Go back in time?!" Marinette demanded. "What do you mean? And what did you do to Kim?!"

"I need his energy," Alix told her. "And besides, the dude was a pain, with all his bets. And I'm gonna do the same to you!"

 _Holy shit…_ I thought. _She's gonna kill us all!_

She zoomed towards Marinette, who leaped out of the way. As she made another lunge for Marinette, Marinette threw the banner onto her face, making a getaway.

 _Forget this_ , I thought. _I'm out of here!_

I know what you're thinking: _running away again, John? Man, you're weak._ Yeah, I know, but can you blame me? I was just trying not to die!

But of course, as usual, life had other plans. Will I ever get a break?

"Ah, John, there you are!" Timebreaker cackled. It seemed she'd killed another person, since her energy bar was higher. "You're such a good friend to me; why don't you help a pal out?"

Look, *cheesy line about friends supporting each other*, but I'd rather stay alive thank you very much. She raced towards me, and I nearly fell on my butt. Then suddenly, CRASH! Fell right onto her face. Ladybug's yoyo had wrapped around her ankle, causing her to trip.

I gave Ladybug a thumbs up as I slunk away. As I continued to run, I heard a lot of crashing and shouting. It almost made me stop, but I knew I had to keep going if I wanted to keep my sanity.

"CHAT NOIR!"

I glanced back, and Chat Noir was fading, right before our eyes. One of the heroes was actually _dying_.

My breathing hitched. _Oh gods... What do I do?!_

"Finally, I've got enough energy to go back," I heard Timebreaker cackle. "Must've been those nine lives!"

 _Keep going_ , I thought. I forced myself to keep moving, ignoring the chains of guilt. The good guys would find a way to win, right?

I heard another shout, and some more crashing. A horrible scream. And then, out of nowhere, two Timebreakers emerged before me. I stumbled backwards.

"What the-" I yelled a pretty bad curse in French.

"There he is," they both declared. "Get him!"

They raced towards me, even faster than before. I breathed in, preparing for death. Just as they were about to grab me, _another_ figure showed up out of nowhere, kicking them back. He was an adult man wearing a dark butterfly mask, a dark cape, and a top hat. His outfit consisted of a black bodysuit hidden by the cape. Kind of like a butterfly version of Batman. Butterflyman.

"Uh…" I stared at him. "Thank you…?"

The guy helped me up, clicking his tongue. "Wow… you're pathetic. You shouldn't be so much of a coward, pal."

I glared at him, noticing his voice was oddly familiar. "Hey, I'm not… who the Hell are you?!"

The guy grinned at me. "That's not important... yet. For the meantime…" He leaned down, flicking my nose. "Don't be afraid to get your hands dirty."

"I literally don't even know who you are!" I shouted.

But of course he just winked at me and disappeared into a cloud of butterflies. I groaned, pulling my hand through my hair.

_Why is my life like this?_

The Timebreakers were getting up again, looking around.

"Damn him," one of them uttered. "Where'd he even come from?! He's messing everything up!"

"We've gotta keep going while he's gone," the other one said.

They seemed to know who he was, but I sure as Hell didn't, and I didn't know what I was supposed to do either. The guy told me not to be a coward. And he'd called me pathetic, just to add insult to injury.

 _I'm not a coward_ , I thought, irritably. _No… what am I thinking? I_ am _a coward. I know who Ladybug and Chat Noir really are. I have information some people would kill for. And I'm not doing anything with it. Every time I get thrown into danger, I run away._

 _No…_ I stared at my hands. _I just don't want to get into danger. That's not weird, right? No one wants to get involved in a battle with an akumatized villain, right?! Especially when you're not even a superhero?! You're just an ordinary guy! I'm not a hero, I'm just… me._

I stood up, eyeing the Timebreakers.

"Come on!" they shouted. Looked like they were preparing to go back in time again.

 _Where's Ladybug?_ I thought. _Don't tell me she…_

I clenched my fists, deciding to do something stupid. _Fine, I'll give being a hero a go… just this once. I'll do what I do best: being an ass._

I sneaked up on the Timebreakers, digging my fists into my pockets.

"Hey, chumps," I spoke up.

They turned and stared at me.

"Coming right over here, huh, John?" they asked, both grinning.

"Nope," I growled. "I'm gonna…" Then my voice just stopped.

 _Wait, what the Hell am I doing?_ I thought. _I can't fight for crap, especially not against some crazy super villain girls._

"You look frozen up," the Timebreakers told me. "Need us to help out with that?"

The sadistic grins they were giving me… it was _infuriating_. It felt a surge of anger rush right through me.

"Oh, for Heaven's sake, Alix!" I yelled. "It's a stupid pocket watch! You really think all these people deserve to die just because they dropped some shitty family heirloom of yours?!"

They both looked startled.

"I thought you were better than that," I continued. "You're one of the most bold and fierce people I know. You're not one to turn down a challenge. And now look at you. You're fucking killing people! You've sunk lower than the people you race against! They didn't do anything to deserve it! And don't give me that crap about the watch. So what if it was a 'one of its kind'?!" I said the bad French curse word. "People are worth more than that crap! I know you're upset, but this isn't the way to deal with it! You're just being an asshole, and no way in Hell are you the girl I've known these past few years!"

Both of the Timebreakers just stared at me. And then they broke down.

"It's… it's my birthday, John!" they both roared. "And that watch… it was a gift from my dad! You wouldn't understand!"

"I don't give a damn what it is," I told them. "The truth is this: you've become human garbage, and I fucking despise you."

The Timebreakers fell to their knees. I heard sobbing coming from behind their masks. I breathed out in relief. Had I won?

Then they got up again, racing towards me. Before I could move, they had me completely surrounded.

"If you can't understand us, then you're not our friend, John," they told me, freezing me. "Goodbye."

_No…_

Everything went white, and my body began to disappear. It was over. I was dead. Honestly, thank the gods.

…

… and then I wasn't dead. I saw a flash of red and black, and glittering sparkles…

"MIRACULOUS LADYBUG!"

I sat up. Unfortunately, I wasn't dead. I was alive, thanks to Ladybug.

She was the one who'd saved the day. Of course. Who was I fooling thinking I'd be a good hero? I was probably just making myself look like an absolute idiot.

I saw Ladybug handing a suddenly-fixed pocket watch over to Alix. So her powers had fixed that as well.

I got up. My hearing aid was half broken, for some reason. I guess her powers couldn't fix that one.

I shook myself out of it. _Ugh… I'm so done here._

I walked off, hands in my pockets.

"John!"

I turned around, seeing Alix skating over to me.

"Hey," I greeted.

"Do you want to get something to eat?" she asked. "The _boulangerie_ isn't too far from here."

"Do you remember anything that happened in the last five minutes?" I asked her. Or longer, I'm not really sure. Who knows how time travelling works?

"Huh?" Alix blinked. "No… that's the weird thing, John. I don't."

 _But you still allowed yourself to get akumatized, didn't you?_ I thought, but kept it to myself.

Maybe I shouldn't be so much of a coward? Yeah, right. Was _I_ really the coward?

"Yeah, sure," I decided. "Let's go."


	6. Death by cat puns

I didn't really want to go out, but my parents insisted. So there we all were, my mom, my step-mom, my step-sisters, and poor old me hanging out at the Place des Vosges. We and some other people were facing an unveiled statue. The mayor André Bourgeois was there as well, and the artist who sculpted the statue. Apparently, the guy's name was Théo Barbot. And he'd sculpted none other than Ladybug and Chat Noir.

"Oh, it's about time," said André, looking up at the sky. "Ladybug and Chat Noir should already be here by now!"

Théo fumbled with a picture of Ladybug in his hands. I'd describe his feelings as 'nervouscited': an unhealthy mix of nervous and excited.

"Where's Ladybug?" Mardi asked me.

"Where's Chat Noir?" Lucetta piped in.

"Do I look psychic to you?" I asked, curling my lip.

"You look _psycho_ ," Lucetta said, smirking.

"Not as psycho as you," I retorted.

"Now, now, kiddos," Avril raised her hands. "Keep it down. You don't want Chat Noir and Ladybug to see you messing around, eh?"

"I don't really care," I said.

Mom slapped my shoulder. I shrugged at her. What? I was just being honest.

Speak of the Devil, Chat Noir came flying out of nowhere, and landed in front of the statue. Everyone cheered and clapped.

"Finally!" Lucetta pumped a fist.

"Where's Ladybug?" Mardi whimpered.

"Who cares?" Lucetta crossed her arms. "Chat Noir is way cooler than she is anyway."

"No he's not!" Mardi shrieked. "Ladybug is the best!"

"Girls," Avril crossed her arms, silencing her demon spawn.

Chat Noir spotted me in the crowd, and gave me a wave. "Hey, it's my guy!"

 _Since when am I 'your guy'?!_ I thought.

"John, you know Chat Noir?!" Lucetta grabbed my arm.

"We've met," I admitted.

"You have to get his autograph for meeee!" she pleaded.

I groaned. "Do I?"

"Lucetta, say please," Avril told her daughter.

"Johnny, can you please get Chat Noir's autograph?" Lucetta asked, eyes wide. "Pleeaasseeee?"

I only agreed because my mom was giving me a death-stare. Taking some paper from Avril, I walked up to Chat Noir, who gave me a grin. I bet a lot of you think I was 'lucky' or something because I was friendly with Chat Noir. Trust me… I was not. I almost died at least three times a day. That is not a life you want, kids. I had anxiety that wouldn't go away. I had nightmares about pigeons and men with bubble wands. Not a happy fun life.

"Excuse me, Chat Noir, but Ladybug's not here," said Théo, looking left and right.

"Oh, don't worry about Ladybug," Chat Noir waved a hand. "She'll be here any minute. I can handle the situation for now; I'm the one in charge, after all."

 _Yeah, sure_ , I thought, rolling my eyes.

"It's just… I wanted to ask her for her autograph," Théo said, holding up his Ladybug picture. "She's so brave and smart…"

Chat Noir began to look uncomfortable. I couldn't blame him. That guy looked like an adult, and Marinette was straight-up a middle-schooler.

"Yo," I called out, getting Chat Noir's attention.

"Hey, there you are, my guy," he said, grinning at me. "What do you need?"

 _I'm not your guy, punk_ , I wanted to say. Instead, I said, "My step-sister wants your autograph."

"Ah, sure, I can do that," Chat Noir nodded. "You got a pen?"

I handed him the pen and paper. As he signed the autograph, I noticed the mayor getting a look on his face.

"We'll give it one more minute before we unveil the statue." he decided.

Théo tightly squeezed his Ladybug photo, like he was expecting it to make her appear out of thin air.

"There ya go, John," Chat Noir handed me the signed paper and pen.

"Thanks, Ad- Chat Noir," I replied. I realised I'd never told him my name, at least in Chat Noir form. But I decided to leave it be. Chat Noir weirded me out enough already. It was hard thinking about him and Adrien being the same person, personality-wise anyway.

"I'll be seeing you around, hey, pal?" Chat Noir asked.

"I hope not," I muttered, as a ton of other people swarmed him, looking for his autograph.

"Did you get it?" Lucetta asked, reaching up for the paper.

"Yep," I said, holding it above her head. "But you don't get to see it because you called me 'Johnny'."

"Mommmmmmyyyyy," Lucetta whined.

I groaned, giving the little brat her paper before Avril could yell at me. She squealed in happiness upon seeing Chat Noir's signature.

"No Ladybug?" Mardi asked, looking down.

"I'm sure she'll be here very soon, dear," my mom tried to comfort her.

"Time to unveil the statue!" the mayor yelled. He pulled the veil off the statue, revealing it in its blonze glory. It showed Chat Noir crawling on the ground with Ladybug above him, flinging her yoyo. I'm no artist but I could tell it was pretty well made. Hell of a lot better than anything I could do. Everyone cheered and clapped.

"Wow, it's awesome!" Lucetta cheered.

"Yeah, I suppose," Mardi agreed, looking off to the side. Théo looked just as disappointed as she did, wearing a desolate frown. I tilted my head to the side.

_Where's Marinette gone, anyway?_

* * *

Ladybug still wasn't around, even after the ceremony. Chat Noir was still there, eyeing up his statue. He was chatting to Théo, but it didn't seem like a friendly chat.

I walked over, hearing Chat Noir saying something about himself and Ladybug being a 'thing'. That was total BS but considering how lovesick Théo was behaving, I couldn't blame him. But as soon as I saw that bitter scowl on Théo's face, I got a bad feeling.

Chat Noir noticed me again, and gave me another wave. He walked on over to me.

"Hey, my guy," he greeted. (Gods, I wanted to throw a shoe at him.) "Need another autograph?"

"Nope," I replied. "Just wanted to know… where _is_ Ladybug?"

Chat Noir shrugged. "No idea. Guess she got held up. I'm sure she had a good reason."

 _Did she?_ I thought. I knew Marinette had a tendency to get her priorities mixed up. I wouldn't have been surprised if something minor threw her off.

"What were you and Théo talking about?" I asked, changing the topic.

Chat Noir tch-ed. "Nothing important."

 _Yeah,_ I thought. _I really doubt that._

* * *

" _And in some astonishing news, there's been a spectacular theft at the Louvre_ ," said the newsperson.

 _Huh_ , I thought, glancing at the TV over my shoulder. _For real?_

" _Amateur video showed without a shadow of a doubt that the thief is none other than the famous hero, Chat Noir._ " the newsperson said.

_Excuse me?_

I glanced at the TV, and it did seem like Chat Noir himself was holding the Mona Lisa, rather menacingly.

" _This painting is the cat's meow_ ," he said, before taking off with the painting.

 _Man_ , I thought. _That's a fake for sure. Not even the real Chat Noir is that corny._

Although the theft was a crying shame, I was going to ignore it. I did not want to put my life into danger anymore. I turned to go and hide upstairs in my room.

"Ha!" Mardi jeered, strutting in. "See! Chat Noir is a big bully!"

"No way!" Lucetta growled. "That has to be fake!"

 _So even she can tell_ , I thought. _Yet the cops can't, apparently._

I stormed up to my room, Piss chasing after me. He tried to jump up and lick my hand.

"Hey, pal," I said, rubbing his head. "It's fine that I don't want to help, right? I mean… I'm just trying to keep myself safe."

 _Or are you being selfish?_ My conscience asked.

 _Maybe I like being selfish_ , I told it.

_Even when a friend is in danger?_

_Chat Noir is not my…_ I trailed off, remembering the weirdo guy that told me not to be a coward. I could imagine him staring down and shaking his head at me, like an asshole. It made me clench my fists. I wanted to punch that guy in the face.

Piss licked my hand, making me feel a little bit better.

 _Well…_ I sighed. _At the very least… I could try and convince the cops Chat Noir is innocent._

I nodded. _Yeah. I'll do that. No danger, right?_

* * *

Of course I was wrong again.

I made my way over to the Louvre, and it was crowded as heck. Of course the cops were there, as well as a ton of people gawking at them. The cops were keeping everyone away from the Louvre.

I scowled, making my way forward, avoiding people as much as I could. On my way to the Louvre, I had concluded that it was probably Théo who had been akumatized. Did you see the scowl on his face? It was obvious _he_ was the guy that had impersonated Chat Noir, because he was jealous of him.

So cliché. But what can you do?

I also saw Chat Noir (the real one) hopping around on the roof. I made a face. I slipped around the crowds of people, following him on the ground. As secretly as possible, I made my way up to the roof, where a ton of cops were hanging out. I hid behind a pole, breathing in slowly.

 _Nice_ , I thought. _None of them can see me._

"Hey, kid!" one of the cops yelled. "What are you doing there?"

Goddammit.

I mooched out, hands behind my back.

"You, um," I felt anxiety kicking in. "Look, you guys… you're wrong about Chat Noir. The guy that stole the Mona Lisa was a fake."

"And why should we believe you?" the cops demanded.

 _Because I'm the only one who's smart enough to notice that Ladybug and Marinette Dupain-Cheng have the same hairstyle, idiots_ , I thought.

"Because…" I clenched my fists. "I was talking to Chat Noir when the robbery happened! He wasn't at the Louvre, no way. And… why would he steal the Mona Lisa anyway? He's a superhero after all!"

The police looked at each other.

I was hopeful. Maybe they were actually listening to me?

"He's in on this," they decided. "Take him in."

_Oh for the love of-_

As the police were about to freaking arrest me, Chat Noir came to save the day. I'd never been happier to see him. If I had to explain to my parents that the police arrested me…

"Don't get my friend here involved," Chat Noir told them, landing beside me. "Let me check out where the robbery took place. I have a knack for finding clues. You know, animal instincts."

 _Why is he still corny even when he's in hot water?!_ I groaned internally.

"Of course," Roger, the main police guy, grinned at him. "Come with me. Thanks for your help, Chat Noir."

"Don't go with them," I whispered to Chat Noir. "It'll be a trap."

"Eh," Chat Noir waved it off, giving me a kind of unsettling grin. "It'll be fine! I'm Chat Noir, after all! They'll believe me."

 _They won't_ , I thought, but of course he wasn't going to listen to me. The police surrounded me, so I knew I wasn't going to be able to run off. We headed inside the museum, reaching the scene of the crime.

As Chat Noir went up to where the Mona Lisa had been taken, a cage came flying down, trapping him. Of course.

 _Don't say I didn't warn you_ , I thought, sighing.

"Hey!" Chat Noir shouted, banging against the bars. "I'm the real Cat Noir! I'm way slicker than that guy."

Roger put his walkie talkie to his lips. "Kitty's in the slammer. I repeat, kitty's in the slammer."

"Guys, c'mon," I spoke up, crossing my arms. "You've seriously got the wrong guy."

The cops glared at me.

"So you _are_ involved with this," Roger said, crossing his arms.

"Uh, no, sir," I waved my hands. "It's like I said - I was talking with Chat Noir when it happened. He couldn't have been there!"

"Who else could it have been?" Roger asked, staring down at me.

"An akumatized villain..." I answered.

The cops stared at me, blankly. Then we heard a large CRASH! Chat Noir had broken free from his cage.

"Thanks for the warm hospitality, but I gotta split, so... I'll just say this one more time." Chat Noir pulled out his staff. "You've got the wrong cat!"

"Hey!" Roger glared at me. "You were purposely distracting us!"

"I wish I could come up with a plan that quickly," I muttered.

Chat Noir barrelled through the police, reaching me. He grabbed my arm, slipping it over his shoulder.

"Hold on!" he told me.

I held my breath as we went flying through the air, zooming out of the museum. My hearing aid's detection went all over the place as we soared above the city of Paris. I held my breath, admiring the view for a few moments. And then we landed back on the rooftops.

"Thanks for helping me there," Chat Noir told me, clapping my shoulder.

"Yeah, uh, it's fine," I said, wiping my hands.

"How'd you know it wasn't me?" Chat Noir asked.

"Would you really steal the Mona Lisa?" I asked.

Chat Noir chuckled. "You know me too well, James."

"It's John," I said, crossing my arms.

"Oops, my mistake," Chat Noir rubbed his head. "I was thinking of someone else!" He coughed. "So, uh, who do you think the impostor is?"

"Théo Barbot," I replied. "AKA the Copycat. I think he was jealous of your relationship with Ladybug, so he got himself akumatized into a copy of you to make you look bad."

Chat Noir chuckled, darkly. "Wow, you're much smarter than you look, John."

His grin became malicious. _Too_ malicious. He held up his staff, right above my head. My blood went cold.

"Hold on," I said. " _You're_ Copycat, aren't you?"

He answered with a grin. "Surprise. Now to get rid of you before you ruin my plans, little outlier."

And then everything went black.

* * *

I woke up in a studio. The wall was covered with sketches of Ladybug, and the desks littered in paper. Théo Barbot's studio. The ass had captured me and tied me up.

"Oh, hey, John," a familiar voice greeted. I turned and saw Chat Noir - the _real_ one this time - seated right behind me, a lopsided grin on his face. Just like me, he was tied up and helpless.

"Oh, great," I sighed. "We're done for."

Speaking of the Devil, Copycat himself emerged, wearing a twisted grin.

"You almost had me, Jaune," he said, twirling his staff between his fingers. "But you couldn't outsmart the cat."

"It's John," I corrected.

"Whatever," Copycat waved it off. "Now that you're out of the way, Ladybug will be here soon, and your career will be over!"

"Sorry about this, pal," Chat Noir apologised to me. "You got stuck in another mess."

"Well, look on the brightside," I told him. "Ladybug will recognise you. I bet she knows you better than he does."

"You're right," Chat Noir agreed, smirking once again.

Suddenly, Copycat came over to us, a butterfly imprint over his face. His demeanour had… changed. He seemed more determined about something. Once the weird butterfly thing disappeared, he lunged onto Chat Noir, reaching for his ring. Then a yoyo came flying out of nowhere, knocking him back.

Ladybug landed nearby us, arms crossed.

"There you are," Copycat grinned.

"Chat Noir!" Ladybug shouted, gazing at Chat Noir. "He really looks like you!"

 _No shit_ , I thought.

"John?!" Ladybug gasped, staring at me. "What are you doing here?!"

Wouldn't you like to know.

"His akuma is inside his ring," Copycat told Ladybug.

"No it's not," I argued. "I don't know where it is, but it's not there!" Then it hit me. "Wait! I think it's his photo of Ladybug!"

Copycat turned his glare on me. "Shut up, you-"

Ladybug's yoyo whacked him over the head, causing him to scowl. He got back up, his hand radiating dark energy.

"Cataclysm!" he shouted.

He raced towards us.

"Quick, John!" Chat Noir hissed at me. "Move to your left!"

I listened, veering to my left. As I did, Copycat's claws made contact with the chains, breaking them.

"Nice one!" Chat Noir cheered. "Up high, John!"

We shared a pretty lame high-five.

Copycat bared his teeth, running towards us again. Chat Noir stood in front of me, holding out his hands. He and Copycat began throwing hands… or paws? Who knows.

Ladybug groaned. "Great, now they're even more annoying."

"Couldn't agree more," I muttered.

I couldn't tell who was getting the upper hand. But somehow Ladybug could.

"Chat Noir, scratch attack!" she yelled.

"Gladly," I think Chat Noir said. "I love a good cat fight!"

And then I was sick of the dumb puns again. Ladybug, meanwhile, had managed to create a ladybug-themed fishing rod. Don't ask how.

"Time to go Akuma fishing!" she yelled.

She swung her 'akuma rod' at the guys, catching Copycat. She dragged him into the air, causing his photo to fall out. Once again, don't ask how.

"Gotcha!" Ladybug yelled, tearing the photo. A butterfly flew out. "Miraculous Ladybug!"

There was a bright flash of red and black spots. And then you'll never believe it, but everything was back to normal, including an amnesic Theo. Chat Noir and Ladybug high-fived each other.

"Uh, hey," I caught Ladybug's attention. "Could I ask you for a favour?"

She turned to me. "What is it?"

"Could you give me your autograph?" I asked. "For my sister."

Ladybug nodded. "Sure thing!"

She signed a spare piece of paper I had on me. I sighed. At least Mardi would be happy.


	7. Mummies stole my daddy

"Don't you just love Ancient Egypt?"

I didn't reply as Dad put his arm around my shoulder. He thought it was time for me and him to spend some 'father-son bonding time', so he'd dragged me off to the Louvre. There was an exhibit there about the pharaoh Tutankhamen. So if you know anything about Tutankhamen and Ancient Egypt, you'll know there were a ton of things there like golden coffins, dudes wearing more mascara than an emo kid, guys dressed like Ahsoka Tano, and plenty more.

Dad was a pretty big sucker for Ancient Egypt stuff. He liked it almost as much as crocheting me a pair of mittens for my birthday. Every birthday. Yeah.

Anyway, we were walking around, Dad spewing out random facts about Ancient Egypt every so often as we looked at the exhibits. Honestly, I was more focused on a guy running around like he was a lost cause. He was tall with chin-length reddish-brown hair and dark blue eyes. He wore glasses, an orange scarf, a scarab pendant, a white shirt with a golden Eye of Horus on it, a grayish-green jacket, beige jeans and sandals.

"Dad!" he shouted, running over to an older man.

And then I saw Marinette too, because why not? She was with Alya, looking at some hieroglyphs.

"Hey, John, isn't she your friend?" Dad asked, pointing to Marinette.

"Nope," I said, quickly. I slipped behind him.

Dad smirked at me. "Aw, are you shy?"

 _I wish_ , I thought. Since Marinette had arrived, it meant trouble was about to kick in. And I did not want to be around for that.

"Are we done looking at all this crap?" I asked Dad. "I want to go home."

"Aw, John," Dad frowned. "We've only been here for ten minutes!"

"I'm bored," I groaned. _And I don't want to put either of us in danger,_ I added mentally.

Dad sighed. "John… you're just going to sit around if we go home. You need to get out and do some exercise."

"I hate exercise," I retorted.

Dad sighed. "Fine, we'll go home. Just let me look at one more exhibit."

"One more," I told him. "That's it."

Dad grinned at me. Of course, he led me over to the hieroglyphics where Marinette and Alya were. Because I could not escape them, no matter what I did.

"These hieroglyphics are fascinating, John," Dad told me. "They tell a legend about Tutankhamun and his princess, Nefertiti."

"You mean like the character from One Piece?" I asked.

Dad stared at me. "Uh, no, John. You see, she died several years before him, and the sun god Ra took her as his goddess. Tutankhamun wanted to bring his princess back to life, by offering the sun god a new wife. The hieroglyphics is said to be the ritual he devised!"

"Riveting," I drawled. "Can we go now?"

Dad made another face. "Have some patience, John."

Then out of nowhere, the guy from before came over, his father following him. He was somehow clutching even more peppers than before. Marinette and Alya were ushered aside by the guy. His father didn't look too happy with him.

"Jalil, these types of frescoes are almost always the illustration for a legend," his father said, shaking his head. "They called it a legend for a reason…"

"That's what everyone thinks," the guy named Jalil insisted. "But I know it's real. I can prove it!"

 _Hang on, that name's familiar…_ I thought, staring at Jalil. _Isn't he Alix's brother? And that's Mr. Kubdel, her dad… small world, huh..._

"Really?" Mr. Kubdel asked. "Exactly how are you going to prove it?"

"I just need to get my hands on Tutankhamun's scepter and recite the spell!" Jalil exclaimed.

"Are you serious?" Mr. Kubdel asked. "Don't even think of touching that scepter. I'd lose my job on the spot. It's a priceless historical object! Not a toy!"

"Come on, Dad!" Jalil insisted. "We have to try out the spell! What if Tutankhamun had found out how to bring people back to life?"

"Listen, Jalil!" Mr. Kubdel shouted. "That's enough! Get your head out of those papyrus scrolls and focus on the real world! This one!"

Jalil frowned, dropping all his papers. His father walked away, leaving him dejected. And once again, I got a real bad feeling. I glanced at Marinette and Alya, who were bickering about some dumb stuff. Something about Alya's ladybug blog.

 _If only she were me…_ I thought. _Man, she would have a field day._

"Wow," Dad said, wiping his forehead. "Tutankhamun bringing the dead back to life? Now that's something I wouldn't want to see reenacted. Zombies are creepy."

"Can we go?" I hissed, tugging his arm. "Or else I'll subject you to all my Resident Evil lore."

Dad rolled his eyes. "Fine."

I almost dragged him out of the museum. Dad tried to slow me down.

"What's the rush, John?" he asked, grabbing my arm.

"My precious Nefertiti will come back to life!" a voice suddenly boomed. "I, Pharaoh, will bring her back!"

Dad and I turned around. Standing there was a tall and muscular guy, his eyes glowing blue and his skin black, like the ancient dioritic statues of the pharaohs. He wore golden bands on his wrists, ankles and biceps, a golden mask with a nemes, a fake beard and a cobra on the top, a golden shendyt and two necklaces. (Thanks Dad for specifying the terms.)

"Great," I muttered.

"Whoa," Dad's eyes went wide. "That is so cool!"

"Dad!" I yelled. "Now is not the time!"

"Hey, you!" a museum employee yelled, running over to The Pharaoh.

"Thoth, give me time!" The Pharaoh yelled. His face turned into that of a baboon's.

"Dad, time to go," I insisted, tugging Dad's arm like I did when I was five.

Suddenly, huge, golden bubbles appeared, zooming away from the Pharaoh. Dad whimpered, suddenly not finding the situation so cool. The bubbles began trapping the workers and other civilians. Screams of panic came from the bubbles. They began flying out of the room.

And of course, there was one coming straight towards us.

Dad got into his protective father mode, putting himself in front of me.

I gasped. "Dad-"

Too late. The bubble captured him, lifting him into the sky.

"Dad!" I shouted, my voice croaking. He waved at me with a smile on his face, floating away. And then he was gone with everyone else.

"John!" I heard Marinette's voice. "Hide, quickly!"

Alya was beside her, holding up her phone like she was taking a Snapchat story. The nonchalant smile on her face really grated my nerves.

 _Help my dad, please, Ladybug_ , I wanted to say to Marinette. But instead, a choking sound came out. So I just moved away.

 _This is the second goddamn time one of my parents has been stuck in a bubble_ , I thought, slipping away from another bubble just at the last second. I hid behind a large pillar, my breathing going all over the place.

"Get out of here, faster!" the Pharaoh shouted.

The bubbles began flying out the windows. I sunk to my knees.

 _Goddammit,_ I thought. _So this is why you don't want me to be a coward. Because I get my parents in danger._

I held my breath, noticing the Pharaoh levitating a scepter and the papyrus with the hieroglyphics on it over to him. Alarms with red flashing went off, and a security gate was closing.

Then Ladybug showed up, sliding out from underneath the gate.

"You know that's considered stealing," she told the Pharaoh.

"Actually, I'm taking back what rightfully belongs to me!" the Pharaoh returned.

 _Like trapping my dad_ , I thought, clenching my fists.

"Maybe if you were the real Pharaoh, which you're not!" Ladybug retorted.

I saw Alya peeking out from her own hiding place, fangirling as hard as she could. I tried not to think about her.

Ladybug swung her yo-yo at the Pharaoh, but he grabbed it, slamming her into the wall with a CRASH!

"Sekhmet, give me your strength!" the Pharaoh yelled. His face morphed into that of a lioness. He ripped the bars of the security gate apart. And then guess who showed up just at the last second?

"How nice of you to hold the door open for me!" Chat Noir yelled, lunging towards the Pharaoh. Just like Ladybug, the Pharaoh grabbed him, and chucked him into a coffin. His staff went off to the side.

"Enjoy your coffin!" the Pharaoh cackled.

Ladybug was struggling to free Chat Noir from his coffin. That was pretty bad, but what was worse that the Pharaoh had taken an interest in me.

"Ah, your face…" he said, looming over me. "It's perfect for my princess!"

"Uh, I'm a guy…" I said. (Who knows, maybe that Ra guy was bisexual.)

"That doesn't matter!" the Pharaoh exclaimed. "After all, Hatshepsut, one of the Greatest Pharaohs to ever live, was a woman who wore men's clothing! If she can do that, can't a man wear women's clothing?"

(Nevermind…)

"I'm not a crossdresser," I tried to argue, but he didn't care. He picked me up like I was weightless. And like a sack of potatoes, he chucked me over his shoulder. He walked through the bars he had ripped apart.

"Help!" I yelled, flailing around stupidly. I banged my fists against his rock-hard abs. And I mean literally - they were rock hard, and I nearly broke my hands.

"Seriously?!" Ladybug groaned, still trying to free Chat Noir from the coffin. The scepter and papyrus were floating behind us. I tried to reach out to grab them, but they were too far away. Then Ladybug and Chat Noir were finally catching up.

"Let him go!" Ladybug yelled.

"Hiding behind an innocent bystander!" Chat Noir agreed. "You're weak, Pharaoh!"

"I'm way more powerful than you are." the Pharaoh retorted. He used his strength to close the bars.

 _Oh just end me now,_ I thought, glancing back at the two heroes.

* * *

Once we were outside the Louvre, the Pharaoh unceremoniously dumped me onto the ground. The guy could treat his sacrifice a little better, right?

"On to the next phase," the Pharaoh raised his arms. "Anubis, bring me mummies!"

His face morphed into that of a jackal. He shot freaking lasers from his eyes, which began turning people into mummies. Y'know, the bandage wrapped zombies. I bet Dad was glad he got to miss out on that.

"Soon, we'll be together again, my Nefertiti!" the Pharaoh shouted. "My long-lost love!"

As much as I liked the character from One Piece, I really didn't want to be sacrificed so she could become real. Sorry, One Piece fans.

The papyrus floated in front of us. It showed a picture of who I assumed was Nefertiti in the weird Ancient Egyptian art style.

"The one hundred mummies and the offering!" the Pharaoh cackled. "The Sun God Ra will have to accept this! A pure soul, right here!"

 _Would a Sun God really want a half-deaf acne-covered guy like me?_ I thought.

The mummies began circling around us. I tried to get up, but the Pharaoh wouldn't let me move. I muttered a curse under my breath, his rock-hard hand on my shoulder. Then I noticed something odd on the papyrus. A figure of a girl covered in black spots. She either had a real bad case of the chickenpox, or…

"Who's that?" I asked the Pharaoh, gesturing at the papyrus. "The girl with black spots all over her?"

"Ladybug, my sworn enemy!" the Pharaoh exclaimed, crushing papyrus between his fingers. "My nemesis may have kept me from carrying out my ritual 5000 years ago, but she will not stop Nefertiti from coming back to me this time!"

 _Wait, what the Hell?_ I thought. _Is Ladybug… Marinette… an immortal being?!_

"Oh, sacred Ra, god of the sun, I, Pharaoh, offer to thee a pure soul!" the Pharaoh yelled. The mummies began closing on in me from every direction. "The sacrifice for the return of Nefertiti!"

I noticed a golden light going up the Louvre, shooting up into the sky like a firework. A swirling black portal began opening up in the blue sky, lightning surrounding it. It would've been cool if I wasn't about to die.

"I bow to you, and present this gift with my mummies!" the Pharaoh boomed. "In company, we pray to you for the safe return of princess Nefertiti! Awaken, Nefertiti! Awaken! Awaken, Nefertiti! Awaken!"

"Awaken, Nefertiti... Awaken…" the mummies droned, unenthusiastically pumping their fists into the air. A bunch of them man-handled me into the air. They carried me down a pathway, chanting all the way. I slumped over like a corpse, approaching the golden light and portal.

 _You know what, maybe making Nefertari Vivi real won't be so bad_ , I thought, accepting my fate.

"Hey there, you bunch of bandages! What do you say we wrap this up?"

Chat Noir was sitting on a lamp post, wearing his trademark smirk. I began to wonder if he scripted all of his bad jokes.

"Seize him!" the Pharaoh yelled, pointing at Chat Noir.

Chat Noir hopped between the lamps, the army of mummies chasing him on the ground.

"Is that really as fast as you can go?" Chat Noir taunted.

"Wait, this looks... like a trap!" the Pharaoh gasped.

Ladybug smirked, swinging down on her yo-yo like Tarzan. She reached down and grabbed me, bringing me to the roof. I slumped onto the rooftop, breathing out in relief.

"Peeps, you just witnessed another insane feat from Ladybug!" we heard a voice down on the ground. "She saved that guy's butt!"

It was Alya, aiming her phone at us from the ground. I'd almost forgotten about her. Ladybug tried to shoo her away.

"Oh, forget that fool!" the Pharaoh shouted, walking over to Alya. "I will use you instead!"

"Excuse me?!" Alya demanded.

The Pharaoh threw Alya over his shoulder, like he'd done with me.

"Horus, give me wings!" he boomed. His head changed to a falcon's, and like Superman, he took off into the sky.

"Ladybug!" Alya screamed, holding onto her phone for dear life.

Ladybug gasped, jumping off the roof. And of course, that meant I was stuck there. If I had an euro for every time I got stuck on a goddamn roof-

"You're not going to win this time, Ladybug!" the Pharaoh boomed. He dumped Alya onto the beam of light, which began raising her to the swirling portal.

"Help me, Ladybug!" Alya yelled, flying higher and higher.

"Crush that insect!" the Pharaoh ordered.

Mummies swarmed Ladybug like a rabid fanbase. She began fighting them off. Meanwhile, Chat Noir was dealing with some mummies of his own, but Ladybug wrapped her yoyo around his leg and pulled him to safety. They trapped the mummies in a bus, and turned their attention back to the Pharaoh.

Meanwhile, I was still stuck on the damn roof. Just in case you were wondering.

"We have to save Alya before she reaches the circle of darkness!" Ladybug yelled, which was one of the edgiest things I'd ever heard her say.

"You will not stop me from bringing Nefertiti back!" the Pharaoh roared. "I'll finish you off! Anubis, bring me mummies!"

He returned to his jackal form, and began shooting lasers at Ladybug and Chat Noir. One of them hit the building I was on, giving it a terrifying jolt.

 _Yeah…_ I thought. _Screw it. I'm definitely getting down._

I turned in the other direction. Of course the roof I was on was square, with no visible ladders. I got onto my hands and knees, trying to ignore all the fighting going on behind me. I glanced up at Alya who was rising towards the, uh, circle of darkness. She was getting closer and closer with every second. At first I'd been relieved the Pharaoh had chosen her over me since for once my life wasn't in total danger, but then I felt pretty bad for Alya. I didn't know her well but I didn't think she deserved to die.

"Oh, Ra, god of the sun, accept this humble offering and return the princess to me!" the Pharaoh boomed. It looked like the superheroes were still brewing up a plan, so I decided to offer some assistance.

"Why did you choose me over her, huh?" I asked, clinging onto the roof so I didn't fall. "What happened to all that crap about a man wearing women's clothing?"

The Pharaoh stared at me. "You were too far away."

I laughed, in spite of myself. "Wow? Seriously? You're lazy, dude."

The Pharaoh seemed kind of dumbfounded, like he hadn't been expecting that epic roast.

"He's right, this offering isn't good enough for Nefertiti!" Ladybug suddenly added.

"Too late, Ladybug! The ritual has begun!" the Pharaoh shouted.

"Set Alya free and sacrifice me instead!" Ladybug told him. "Wouldn't that be the sweetest revenge? 5000 years later! After all, I'm the one who kept Nefertiti from you all these years!"

"It's true that you make a much more precious offering than this mortal," the Pharaoh agreed, taking Ladybug's hand. "Horus, give me wings!"

He flew up to the beam, and chucked Alya off. The guy didn't have much regard for his sacrifices, huh?

Alya somehow managed to not die. I couldn't really see much of what was going on up near the portal, but I knew Ladybug somehow tricked the Pharaoh, and stole his pendant.

"You tricked me!" the Pharaoh raged, but it was too late. Ladybug slid down the Louvre, breaking the pendant. And with a wave of her hand…

"MIRACULOUS LADYBUG!"

Everything was back to normal. Jalil was himself, Alya was safe, I was still on the roof…

I whimpered. _Dad, please help…_


	8. The world's worst live-stream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, important announcement: I will not be doing every episode. It would just take way too long to get through the story and I don't want this to be ridiculously long. I also will not be taking suggestions for which episodes to do, unless a lot of people really want a specific episode. (And it has to be a lot lol) That aside, I might do an original episode at some point… but we'll see. Anyway, happy reading!

Man, I hate it when the WiFi cuts out. I was playing video games and of course it had to go kerplunk on me.

"Mom, the internet's not working!" I yelled.

"I know, honey," Mom replied. "The cell tower's down. No signal for the next hour."

 _Great_ , I thought. If I was _really_ petty, I would've been akumatized. But I'm not really petty. I'm just petty.

"Why don't you go for a walk?" Mom suggested.

I mumbled some rude French words. I was kind of tired, so I didn't feel like walking.

"Oh go on, Johnathan," Mom said, tapping my bedroom door. "You've been inside all day. It's not healthy."

"Fine," I stood up. "I'll go."

* * *

So I went outside. It was a lovely day outside, but my thoughts were burdened by the homework I would have to do later in the day. It was a group project, but of course my group was… ahem, _less than subpar,_ meaning I was doing all the work. That is another thing that could've akumatized me if I was really petty, but luckily I wasn't.

The good news was my step-mom and her smelly kids were away on a short holiday to visit their cousins or something, I wasn't listening. My mom didn't feel like going, so that meant I didn't have to go either. But that did mean I still had to go on dumb walks around Paris.

I was heading to the Louvre because I'm a Parisian when I saw a familiar face. It was Alya, slumped against a stone wall, next to a staircase. Surprisingly, Marinette wasn't with her. And it also seemed that she was pretty upset about something.

"Uh, hey," I said, walking over to her.

She looked up, wiping her eyes. "Oh, uh, John… hi…"

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I got suspended from school," she spat, bitterly.

"How'd that happen?" I asked. "If you, uh, don't mind me asking."

"I thought Chloé was Ladybug," Alya told me, "and I wanted to get some proof."

"Why'd you think Chloé was Ladybug?" I asked.

 _One, she's a blonde, and Ladybug has blue hair_ , I thought. _Two, she's narcissistic with extra narcissism. Three. She's blonde. Four. She's. Blonde. Five. She sucks. And she's blonde._

Trust me, if I got any pettier I could've gotten akumatized myself.

"I saw Ladybug related things in her locker," Alya sniffled. "So… I tried to do some digging, but she caught me snooping in her locker. Then she used her father's name to blackmail the principal and get me suspended."

Look, no matter how dumb Alya was acting, she didn't deserve to be expelled.

"Sorry to hear that," I said, giving her a sad smile. I sat down beside her. "Hey, uh, maybe the real Ladybug is closer than you think. You never know."

(Hint hint…)

"Who do you think Ladybug is, John?" Alya asked me, raising her brow.

"Uhh…" I had never felt so awkward. "Honestly, I don't have a clue."

Oh come on, I still respected Marinette's privacy. I'm not that much of a jerkwad. As much as I just wanted to spill the truth…

Alya sighed, burrowing her face in her knees. She pulled out her phone.

"Marinette hasn't been answering me all day," she confessed. "Where has that girl gone?"

"Well, the WiFi's been cut out," I said. "Plus, she could also be busy with homework or something."

"She could at least send me a text," Alya huffed. "I've been trying to call her for hours! And plus, the internet's back now anyway."

That was fair. Come on, sending a text takes like three seconds. Well, unless you have severe social anxiety.

She still seemed pretty down, and I was running out of ways to cheer her up. The only thing I could think of was the internet coming back, but that wasn't going to be much help. Best part? I could see an akuma coming.

"Hey, uh, do you like gingerbread?" I blurted.

Alya turned and stared at me.

"Gingerbread," I repeated, rummaging through my pockets. "It's, like, my favourite food."

"Uh…" Alya looked awkward.

"I know a lot of people hate it, but it's, like, my favourite thing," I said, feeling sweat crawling down my cheeks. "You know, my mom is from the UK, and, uh, and, her mom - my grandma - she makes these really great gingerbread cookies, and uh…"

"What is that?" Alya asked, looking at the akuma.

I gasped. "Wait, don't-"

Too late. The akuma touched her phone, covering her in dark energy. I scrambled right back. My heart was thumping. I was somehow terrified, embarrassed and scared all at the same time - I mean, what kind of moron rambles about gingerbread?

When Alya came to, she… actually wasn't that different from her normal self, at least compared to other villains. She had a black butterfly-shaped mask on her face, and her eyes were dark magenta. She wore a black suit and her lower arms had three white stripes each. On her chest was a glowing hot pink Wi-Fi symbol, and a thin white line went around her waist, with the line creating a semicircle above a short vertical white line in the front, resembling a power button.

Either she was there to tell me about internet safety, or mess up Paris. I think you can guess which way she was going.

"I'll expose the lies of anyone who tries to cover up the truth," she declared. "I am… Lady Wifi!"

Her stare pierced me.

"Yo," I said, backing away. "Want some… gingerbread?"

"John," she pointed at me with her phone. "I have a feeling… that you're lying to me. You know who Ladybug is, don't you?"

My blood went cold. A villain was actually smart enough to call me out?

"What makes you say that?" I laughed nervously.

"You're a bad liar," Lady Wifi said, eyes narrowed. "Come on, John. Tell me who Ladybug is… or you'll never get to eat any of your precious gingerbread again."

I had a pretty bad feeling about that phone she was holding.

"I…" My cowardice was coming back. I could feel the strange guy judging me again from the back of my head. Like a shadow being cast over me or something.

"Fine," Lady Wifi sighed. "Don't wanna speak? I'll make you."

She pressed a button on her phone, covering me in a pink light. And then I was frozen solid, like I'd been paused. Somehow, I was still conscious, and aware of how screwed I was.

Then, Lady Wifi pressed another button, summoning a huge pink screen. It showed her… and me, frozen like an idiot.

"This screen is being broadcast to the entirety of Paris," Lady Wifi told me. "You're going to tell them the truth… who is Ladybug, John?!"

She unfroze me, so I could speak. My social anxiety was going through the roof.

"I…" I breathed out, scrunching into a ball. My mouth wasn't working properly. My words had gone.

"Do you want the whole city to watch you die?" Lady Wifi demanded.

For some reason, the way she said that really pricked me the wrong way. I was _not_ going to get humiliated on live television so easily.

"Look, even if I knew, why would I tell you?" I snapped. "Ladybug keeps her identity secret for a reason. Respect her privacy, won't you?"

Lady Wifi bared her teeth. "I knew it. It is Chloé Bourgeois, isn't it?" She turned to the screen. "You heard it here, folks: Ladybug is Chloé Bourgeois! Don't believe me? We'll be right back with proof!"

She turned off the screen.

"'We'?" I asked.

Lady Wifi smirked at me.

 _Oh great_ , I thought.

* * *

I had no plans to visit Chloé Bourgeois' annoyingly luxurious bedroom in the hotel Le Grand Paris, and yet there I was.

There was expensive stuff everywhere, and her huge bed was coated in gold and other shiny things. The window was massive, giving her a great view of the city. And the carpet was the softest thing I'd ever felt, much to my annoyance.

Wouldn't you know it, Chloé was there and happened to be dressed in Ladybug attire. She was goofing around, throwing a Ladybug yo-yo all over the place. Just like I said before, she was blonde, and therefore, not Ladybug. Not enough proof for you? Well, she somehow got the yoyo string wrapped around her leg, causing her to trip over.

How dumb can these people get?

"Well, hello there, Ladybug," Lady Wifi cackled, freezing Chloé right up. "I knew it all along."

I stared at Chloé's expensive purse on her expensive bedside table. That thing had to be worth more than my dad's whole apartment.

Lady Wifi brought her huge pink screen back up. I'd had enough screen time for a lifetime so I hid behind Chloé's bed, staying out of sight.

"I told you so," Lady Wifi told the city of Paris, ripping Chloé's mask off. "The real Ladybug is… Chloé Bourgeois!"

And then the real Ladybug and Chat Noir came flying in through the window. Lady Wifi nearly dropped her phone.

"Who are you?" Lady Wifi demanded, hands on hips. She looked around for me. "John, why didn't you… where'd he go?"

I crawled under the bed. Hiding from the screen had been one of my better ideas.

"You'll be sorry!" Lady Wifi yelled, pressing a button on her phone. Chloé went tumbling, falling flat on her face.

"Let's find out who you really are!" Lady Wifi yelled, sending pink pause buttons after Ladybug and Chat Noir.

"Follow me!" Ladybug yelled. Chat Noir chased after her as they hopped out of the room like a couple of bouncy balls. Lady Wifi made chase, waving her phone around.

I breathed out in relief. For the meantime, Lady Wifi had forgotten about me. All I had to do was get out of that ridiculous apartment building.

I crawled out from under the bed. Chloé sat up, looking shocked.

"Hey!" she shouted, glaring at me. "Who… hey, you're that ugly guy!"

"Excuse me?" I demanded.

"Yeah!" Chloé shouted. "Who even are you, anyway? I see you all over the place with Ladybug. There's no way you're a bigger fan of her than me!"

"You honestly think I'm a fan of Ladybug?" I asked her. "Chloé, if you knew who was _really_ behind that mask, then you'd…" I trailed off. I was saying too much.

"That Wifi weirdo was right!" Chloé gasped. "You do know who Ladybug is!"

"No I don't," I argued.

"Yes you do!" Chloé got right up in my space. "You have to tell me who she is!"

"Even if I did, you're the last person I'd tell," I replied, brushing myself off. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm going home."

Chloé pointed her finger at me. "I'll tell my Daddy about you!"

"I've seen much scarier things than your Daddy," I retorted.

I began leaving. I walked out of her room, headed down a grandiose hallway to an elevator.

"Get back here!" Chloé shouted, chasing after me.

I got into the elevator. Chloé rudely slipped in beside me, ready to give me a talking to. I turned off my hearing aid and covered my other ear so I wouldn't have to hear her whining.

Then I felt a large crash beneath us. Chloé grabbed my arm.

"Jaune, what was that?!" she whimpered.

"John," I corrected, shaking her off. "And honestly, I don't even care."

The elevator stopped with a ding. We had reached the middle floor, which of course, was where the action was taking place. Lady Wifi was shooting pause buttons at Chat Noir.

"Ahhh!" Chloé shrieked, grabbing my arm again. She pressed the elevator button a million times. The door closed, and we started lowering again. I breathed out in relief.

And then a screen appeared in the elevator.

"What's up, peeps!" Lady Wifi's visage surrounded us. "Listen everyone! I present you with the award-winning news story you've all been waiting for!"

The elevator stopped with a ding. We were finally on the ground floor of Le Grand Paris. Chloé ran right out, running over to her father, the mayor. He was surrounded by police and bodyguards.

"Daddy!" she sobbed, running into his arms.

 _Time to go_ , I decided.

"He knows who Ladybug is!" Chloé screamed, pointing at me. "Daddy, stop him!"

I ran away from the building, freaking bodyguards on my trail. Then my phone began buzzing. I pulled it out, and Lady Wifi herself appeared right in front of me. I scrambled backwards, falling on my butt. Screens were everywhere, trapping me.

"You didn't think you'd get away so easily, did you, John?" Lady Wifi cackled, towering above me. "You lied to me twice!"

And then I was angry again.

"Fine, then, you wanna know who the real Ladybug is?" I demanded, standing up. "Lean in, and I'll tell you."

She leaned in. I brought my lips to her ear.

"Guess who's gullible?" I said.

Lady Wifi's glare was insane. "You-"

But before she could act, the internet cut out. Ladybug and Chat Noir appeared beside her.

Lady Wifi pointed her useless phone at them. "You…"

But it was too late for her. Ladybug pulled her phone out of her hand, destroying it. The akuma flew away, and Alya was back to normal. And you know what that means.

"Time to go," I decided.

"John, hey, wait!" Alya called. She hesitated. "You don't really know who Ladybug is, do you?"

Everyone was staring at me.

"Nope," I said. "Haven't got a clue."


	9. Trouble with the law

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, this chapter is kind of awkward considering everything going on in the world... it was written before everything started happening oof. However, it does have a little bit of commentary about the police. You'll see what I mean.

Ah, Parents Career Day. Horrifically embarrassing, but also kind of neat, I guess. My mom worked part-time as a receptionist and Avril worked as a graphic designer. Avril's job was arguably more bad-ass (sorry Mom). A lot more creative too, since she was always coming up with new housing ideas. My dad had a simple job as a house cleaner. Self-explanatory, pretty much.

Anyway, back to Parents Career Day. My school was pretty embarrassing so they made us participate. The plot twist? Mom had work that day, and she couldn't miss it as she was filling in for someone else. As for Dad, he was cleaning a house in the next town over (he was getting paid extra for it, so he figured it was worth it). So guess who that left?

I didn't really want Avril to do the Career Day thing for me. She was cool, but it was hard to consider her one of my parents. Maybe it was me being petty again, but I hadn't known her my whole life. It'd feel… weird doing the event with her.

Avril noticed the look on my face. "You don't want me to come to Career Day, do you?"

"Honestly, not really," I admitted.

Avril sighed. "Well, then you won't have anyone there."

"That's fine, honestly," I said. "The whole Career thing is childish anyway. We should be worrying about getting _ourselves_ jobs, not talking about our parents' ones."

"Pragmatic, aren't you?" Avril laughed. "You're just like your mom."

"Mom's not pragmatic," I argued. "She's anything but. Have you met her?"

"Well, she certainly is when she works," Avril told me. "If you paid a little more attention to the 'childish' Parents Career Day, you'd know that."

Yeah, I didn't want Avril to roast me anymore. She was too savage.

"Where are your vermin?" I asked instead.

"Sleepover at a friend's, remember?" Avril asked. She pouted, leaning her head on her hands. "Which means I'll be here all alone today."

"No work for you to do?" I asked.

"I was planning to go to the Career Day," she admitted, giving me a pouty lip.

I knew she was totally guilt-tripping me, but I decided to give in anyway.

"Fine," I huffed. "You can come."

"Fantastic!" she grinned, clapping my shoulder. "Ah, you won't regret it, John!"

I had a feeling I would absolutely regret it.

* * *

So, long story short: I did regret it, but not for the reason I was expecting.

Actually, Avril's presentation to the rest of my class was… really cool. She showed off a super-detailed powerpoint she made and talked about all the design elements and processes involved in graphic design. She pretty much gave the whole class a mini lesson. It was way better than what Mom or Dad would've done, I'll give her that.

But why am I not going into detail about the presentation myself? Because one: I don't really remember much of it. Yeah I know I said it was interesting, but my brain is too thick to remember all those fancy graphic design terms. Two: while it was interesting for _us_ , re-telling it to _you_ would bore you, trust me. Three: school sucks. Four: you didn't come here for a lecture, did ya?

But what I _will_ tell you is that my respect for my step-mom went through the roof. She was a much cooler person than I'd originally thought. Now, I wasn't one of those kids who hated their step-parent simply for existing. Sure, seeing Mom with another partner was... weird, to say the least, especially since for ten years she was with Dad, but Avril was always a super chill person. She wasn't some kind of evil step-mother like in the movies. She didn't try and change my life, she respected me, and she got us a dog: Piss. The only bad thing about her were her kids, but we already know about them.

So, after school, I was actually in a good mood for once. A lot of the other students were impressed by Avril as well. Heck, I even heard them gossiping about her in the school halls.

"Maybe I'll become a graphic designer one day!" one girl said. "John's step-mom was so cool!"

"No way," another girl replied. "I wanna become a hero like Ladybug!"

 _Good luck with that_ , I thought. Though, I guess if someone as clumsy as Marinette could become a superhero, anyone could.

Anyway, Avril and I were walking home, since like me, Avril is a fan of walking. Especially around the streets of Paris.

"That presentation was actually really good," I told her. "You really impressed everyone."

Avril shrugged. "Hey, it's in my job description to be a cool step-mom. What is this, Cinderella?" She laughed.

"Don't tell Mom this, but you are definitely way cooler than her," I whispered.

Avril just laughed. "Oh, John! Don't say such things about your mom. She's a real sweetheart, y'know."

"She's incredibly corny," I grumbled. "And so is my dad, for that matter."

"My husband was quite corny as well," Avril chuckled. "He had quite the love for 'Dad jokes'. They drove me insane but Lucetta and Mardi loved them."

"Ah, yeah," I nodded. "My dad loves them too."

"I remember his favourite joke went like this," Avril cleared her throat. "Whenever we went past a graveyard he would say, _'Do you know why I can't be buried there?'_ And we would say, _'Why not?'_ And he would say, _'Because I'm not dead yet!_ '" She began laughing, but I heard pain in her laugh as well. I saw her wipe away a tear. "Oh, it's a cruel irony, John. He had terminal cancer, you see, and he tried to make jokes about the whole situation to try and cheer us up."

I didn't know what to say, so we walked in silence for a moment. Avril had never really talked about her deceased husband that much. It was… interesting, hearing about him.

Avril shook herself out of it. "Let's cross the street. I want to show you something."

She grabbed my arm, leading me across a busy road to the other side of the street. It was chock full of cafes and restaurants.

"Up here was my husband's favourite restaurant," she told me, smiling. "It was his favourite for a reason! Come along."

"STOP IN THE NAME OF THE LAW."

We both jumped, facing a guy who looked like Master Chief from Halo got doused in blueberries. He wore a dark blue robot suit. Various parts of his body were painted black. A police whistle was around his neck. He had light blue lines around his hands, which looked like blasters. A hollow, light blue triangle pointing downwards was at the center of his chest. His left shoulder and right shoulder had a blinking red light and blue light, respectively.

 _Oh, great_ , I thought. _Now knock-off Optimus Prime has come to get us._

"I'm sorry," Avril apologised, making a face. "What did I do?"

"YOU JAYWALKED WITH A MINOR," said knock-off Optimus Prime. "YOU ARE UNDER ARREST."

"What?!" Avril demanded. "Jaywalking shouldn't be enough to warrant an arrest! Who even are you, anyway?!"

"She's right," I added in. "It's not legal, but it's not enough to-"

"SILENCE," said Mr. Law and Order. "I AM ROGERCOP. I AM THE LAW. YOU HAVE GONE AGAINST THE LAW, SO YOU ARE UNDER ARREST."

He aimed at his blasters at Avril, shooting red and blue lights. They wrapped her hands, acting as handcuffs.

"I SENTENCE YOU TO PUBLIC SERVICE." Rogercop boomed.

Avril began running off, hands out in front of her. She flailed around, but did not stop running.

"I can't control myself!" she called, looking over her shoulder. "John, go get Ladybug and Chat Noir!"

"Avril!" I yelled, but she was moving too fast for me to keep up. I was about to give Rogercop a piece of my mind, but he had taken off as well, leaving me stranded in the street.

 _Fantastic_ , I thought. _Well, there's only one place to go now._

* * *

I made my way over to the front of Collège Françoise Dupont, my second least favourite school, narrowly after my own. Actually, I don't really like any schools, except for maybe Hogwarts.

I saw the mayor André Bourgeois getting into his expensive car. Guess who was also there? Rogercop. And of course our two favourite superheroes, Ladybirb and Chat No Way.

After that whole Lady Wifi incident I wasn't too thrilled about seeing the mayor, but I had a feeling Rogercop was targeting him - and, well, I literally saw him putting a tracking device on the mayor's car. And if anyone needed to be safe during an akuma villain attack, it was my family. Please leave my family alone.

And yeah, the mayor too, I guess.

I raced over to the mayor's car.

"Excuse me, sir," I said, going over to his window, "but that Rogercop guy put a tracker on your car."

"He did?" André asked. "Where is the device?"

"On the roof," I said, pointing to the flashing light on the car's roof.

"Remove it!" André ordered his bodyguards.

The bodyguards tried to pry it off, but I guess the thing was attached with superglue or something since they couldn't even budge it.

"MOVE AWAY FROM THE CAR IMMEDIATELY." Rogercop ordered, aiming his blasters at the bodyguards.

"Not so fast!" Ladybug yelled, throwing her yoyo at Rogercop. That was enough to distract him.

"Come on, sir," the bodyguards said, grabbing the mayor. "We'll go to a different car."

Rogercop turned back to the mayor. "STOP IN THE NAME OF THE LAW. I CANNOT LET YOU GO."

The bodyguards stood in front of the mayor, protectively.

"Young man, you should get to safety," André advised me. "Thank you for telling me about the tracker, but you must leave at once!"

 _Oh, so now they're telling me to leave_ , I thought, scowling.

"STOP." Rogercop ordered, shoving Chat Noir into a trash can. An angry person who was inside the trash can flipped him off. Ladybug charged at the villain, but she was tossed aside, too. So many villains love tossing the heroes around, huh?

Well, at least the mayor was getting away, mostly unharmed. I decided I'd listen to his advice and leave as well, maybe look for Avril, but as usual, my plans were thrown aside like all the heroes.

Rogercop turned to me, blasters aimed. "YOU HAVE INTERFERED TOO MUCH, YOUNG MAN. I AM FORCED TO ARREST YOU."

I dug my hands into my pockets. Now, I bet you're expecting that I would pull a runner or just calmly accept my fate. And I guess you're sort of on the right track, but there's another element in there that you probably weren't expecting.

For once in my life, I was going to pull a big cliche move you see in cartoons. I wasn't expecting it to work, but…

"Hey, look!" I said, pointing to the left. "It's the mayor!"

For some reason, that was enough to distract Rogercop. Shows you how smart these villains really are.

Naturally, I took off.

Rogercop growled robotically (don't ask), and aimed his blasters at me. "STOP RUNNING. ANY CHALLENGERS OF THE LAW WILL BE PROSECUTED."

 _Man, he could at least spice it up by making a Brooklyn Nine-Nine reference or something_ , I thought, rolling my eyes. I realised it wasn't really the best time for bad jokes of my own. After all, a bunch of police had appeared out of nowhere, coming right for me. And Chat Noir and Ladybug were still in a sticky situation.

So I sprinted as fast I could. Covering my hearing aid with one hand and my phone with the other, I ran down the streets of Pairs. I could feel footsteps stomping the ground behind me. I narrowly dodged a flash of blue and red, which wrapped around some poor lady instead. I gulped in some air, my lungs burning. I dashed inside a random clothes shop, shoving the fancy doors like nobody's business. I didn't take any notice of the displays or expensive items; instead, I focused on hiding behind one of the racks.

I breathed in the scent of a nice dress. And then I fell to my knees, clinging onto the dress like a lifeline.

_What the Hell am I doing? Oh God, I'm going to die. John, you idiot, you-_

"Um, sir?" an attendant came over to me, raising a brow. "Do you need help?"

"Uh," I looked left and right. The police were outside, and I had a feeling they'd be coming in at any second.

"Sir?" the attendant asked with concern. She must've seen me shaking. Or the fact that I had come flying in, and was clinging to a dress like a toddler.

"I need to use the changeroom," I said. I stood up, following the sign that read 'changerooms'.

"But you have nothing to try on…" the attendant said.

I ignored her, heading straight to the changerooms. I opened one of the doors, and quickly locked myself inside the small space. Thankfully, I'm not claustrophobic. I actually kind of liked closed spaces. So I crawled into the corner, slumping down to my knees. I wrapped my arms around my knees, like I was giving myself a hug (which I suppose I kind of was).

I couldn't hear anything crazy going on outside, thank my lucky stars. I decided to give my phone a quick scan to keep myself updated.

I pulled out my phone, and opened the news app. And of course, I regretted it immediately.

It was a video of Rogercop surrounded by fully-armoured police officers.

"THIS YOUNG MAN IS A FUGITIVE," he said, showing the cops a picture of me. "FIND HIM AND ARREST HIM."

 _Oh just kill me_ , I thought, drooping my head. _I'm so sick of this crap. How long am I gonna be stuck here? Damn, he'll find me eventually…_

"You're a fugitive," said the attendant, who had appeared right out my door. "I have to call the police here."

"No, please, don't," I pleaded. "They'll destroy your shop and everything."

"I won't reason with a criminal," she replied.

"I'm not a criminal," I spat. " _Rogercop_ is the criminal. He's the one going around and messing people up. Heck, he's hunting the mayor. I don't even know why, probably for a really stupid reason. Not like he hasn't been public about it. Haven't you seen him running around like a madman?"

"I am not going to reason with a criminal," the attendant said, stubbornly.

 _Oh my God_ , I put my face in my knees. _Everyone here is a moron._

I glanced at my phone one more time. Two familiar super heroes were there as well, flying around in the background. And if anyone could help my poor city…

"Fine," I stood up. "I'll come out instead."

I opened the door, straight up walking past the attendant.

"Sir, stay put!" she ordered.

"Fine, look at this," I replied, pulling out my phone. "Just look at everything he's doing."

As well as the declaration of me being a fugitive, there was also news of Rogercop going around messing everything up, forcing people to do his bidding, and just general destruction.

"You really think I'm a bad guy?" I asked. "All I'm doing is protecting myself."

That was my thing, after all. Do my job, and get away safely. (More often than not it did not go to plan… but I tried.)

The attendant didn't say anything.

"Exactly," I said. "Goodbye."

I headed to the front of the store.

"If you go out there, you'll get arrested!" the attendant warned me.

"We'll see," I replied.

I left the store. Just as expected, Ladybug and Chat Noir were waiting for me.

"Hey, uh," Chat Noir coughed. "You don't mind being bait to lure Rogercop in for us, do you…?"

"We won't let you get hurt," Ladybug added. "We promise."

I sighed. "Whatever. Let's do it."

* * *

So, how exactly did this brilliant plan play out? With me looking like a moron, of course!

I walked around the city, stupidly waving around my arms.

"Hey, Optimus Prime!" I yelled. "Come and get me!"

As expected, police began showing up out of the blue… and red. (cough cough) As well as the big man Rogercop himself, blasters armed and ready. A huge crowd had gathered as well. Because I really needed to feel special.

"DO NOT MOVE," Rogercop ordered. Police surrounded me from every corner. Once again, it sounds really cool, but it was honestly the complete opposite. My poor heart.

I walked towards Rogercop, head down, like the guy was going to kill me. Sometimes it did feel like I was walking towards my death.

Rogercop aimed at his blasters at me. "YOU ARE UNDER ARREST."

"CATACLYSM!"

Using his puntastic move, Chat Noir made his way through the sea of cops, distracting Rogercop. While he was distracted, Ladybug appeared at the front. She reached out, grabbing his whistle. She pulled it off with a single move.

"NO!" Rogercop shouted.

Too late. Ladybug threw the whistle to the ground, destroying it. Rogercop's armour dissolved, leaving an ordinary policeman behind. I sighed. At least it was finally over.

* * *

"My favourite step-son."

I couldn't help but smile at Avril. We'd managed to find each other, and we reunited. She opened her arms, giving me a brief hug. She was slightly taller than me, so I could lean my head on her shoulder. She pulled away, shaking her head.

"I'm glad that's all over, hmm?" she laughed. "But I can't believe you! My pragmatic and straight-forward step-son, a fugitive? I'd thought you were too good for such a thing."

"Too _unlucky_ ," I rectified.

Avril sighed. "Oh, John. Now, come along. We have a restaurant to visit!"


	10. Valentine's Day sucks

Ah, Valentine's Day. The time of the year where couples show their love for each other by buying flowers and chocolate and going on cute dates. Where everyone within a fifty meter radius is giving out cheesy Valentines and little red and pink hearts are littered everywhere. The time where everyone is being all cute and romantic.

I fucking hate Valentine's Day.

I don't really like _any_ holidays, but I hate Valentine's Day especially. You may say hate is a strong word, but it's also the _appropriate_ word. 'Dislike' simply isn't enough to describe how I feel about this… wretched holiday. It's so pandering, so demeaning, so… cheesy. Half of us just sit in our rooms with a tub of ice-cream and some Netflix anyway, so what's the point? And it's not even a holiday! We still have to go to work or school or whatever. Also, Cupid is one ugly mascot. Holy gods, you'd think someone hot would be the Valentine's Day mascot, but apparently not.

Honestly, I could be here all day, but we _really_ need to move on.

I suppose it's ironic. Paris is the 'city of love' or whatever, and yet I want nothing to do with Valentine's Day. That didn't stop my annoying parents from making me go to school. There were lots of annoying people there as well as never-ending Valentine's Day nonsense so I'm not going into it.

Let's just skip to after school, where my step-mother Avril had come to pick me up from school… with her vermin, of course. That made me very suspicious, since usually my parents didn't pick me up from school. And usually the vermin weren't there, either. Hmm…

"How was school, Johnno?" Avril asked, cheerfully.

 _These nicknames are almost as bad as this damn holiday_ , I thought irritably.

"Why are you here?" I asked her.

"Your mom and I are going on a Valentine's Day date," she winked.

"Of course," I drawled.

"So…" Avril put her hands on her kids' heads. "I was wondering…"

"And there goes my afternoon," I grumbled.

"I'll make it up to you," Avril promised, flicking my nose. "How about something special on the weekend?"

" _La Maison du Chocolat?_ " I asked.*

Avril nodded. "You got it."

"What are you whispering about?" Lucetta asked, making a face.

"Nothing, _ma choupinette**_ ," Avril chuckled, patting her head. "I'll see you two later tonight, okay?"

"Okay," her vermin replied, giving Avril a hug.

She walked off, waving to us. And as soon as she left, the madness began.

"Ice-cream!" Mardi demanded.

"Ice-cream!" Lucetta agreed.

"No," I said, sternly. "I don't want you two running around like crazies for three hours. Well, _extra_ crazy, that is."

"But Mom said you were going to take us somewhere," Mardi whimpered, giving me puppy-dog eyes.

 _You're gonna get it later, Avril,_ I scowled.

"Fine, but we're not getting ice-cream," I replied.

"But it's Valentine's Day," Lucetta added. "Today - of _all_ days - is the time when you're supposed to show your love for us!"

"Don't have any love for you," I grumbled.

"He's just upset because he doesn't have a Valentine," Lucetta told her sister.

"Quite the opposite, actually," I retorted. "I'd rather not have a Valentine."

"Liar liar, pants on fire," both the twins teased.

"Do you want to go home with no ice-cream?" I snapped.

That got them to shut up.

"Good," I said, digging my hands in my pockets. "Come on, you twats. We'll go and get a hot chocolate or something, and that's it."

So we headed down to a cafe near the Pont des Arts. It was one of my favourites, and the stuff was good enough there to get the vermin to shut up for a while. Oh, in case you've never seen the Pont des Arts, it's a pedestrian bridge that crosses the Seine. It links the Institut de France and the central square of the Palais du Louvre.

Anyway, so we were there. I ordered the drinks from the cafe, and waited outside with the girls. On the bridge, I saw a familiar face - it was that Lê Chiến Kim guy from that whole Alix race. He seemed pretty nervous about something.

"So, Johnny, you really have no Valentine?" Lucetta asked. "Not even that Marinette girl?"

"Or maybe that Adrien guy," Mardi added. "John might like boys."

"I don't like anyone," I replied, crossing my arms. "Valentine's Day sucks."

"Because you're too scared to ask anyone out, Johnny!" Lucetta teased.

"What's wrong with not being interested in love?!" I snapped, clenching my fists. Lucetta stepped back in surprise. I slumped against the wall.

 _Maybe there_ is _something wrong with me_ , I thought. _Maybe I'm just not good enough for anyone._

"Hey, John, don't you know her?" Mardi asked, tugging my arm.

She pointed to none other than Chloé, because I guess Valentine's Day wasn't bad enough already.

"Oh, great," I muttered a French curse. "Her."

She was walking up to Kim, who had gotten down on one knee. And suddenly I knew exactly what was going on.

"Stay here," I told the twins, firmly. "Don't move."

I began walking across the Pont des Arts, getting closer to Kim and Chloé.

"John!" Mardi called. "Where are you going?"

"Stay there," I replied, continuing to walk. This time, I wasn't going to run away. I was actually going to try and put a stop to this crap.

Kim was on one knee, but his knee was in a puddle. An empty chips bag was caught on his face. He had a shiny broch in a box that Chloé was ignoring completely. Chloé had her phone aimed at him, a nasty grin on her face. Of course. Some people never change.

"No offence Kim, but my heart is saved for someone far more awesome than you," Chloé said, walking away sassily. "Don't you just hate how harsh love can be?" She laughed in that horrid way, before clearing off.

Kim fell to his knees, and began to cry.

"Hey, uh, buddy," I said, kneeling beside the big guy. "Don't cry."

He stared at me, wiping his eyes. "Who are you…?"

"Uh, a friend of Alix's," I answered, quickly. "Anyway, buddy, Kim. Listen, love sucks. But Chloé sucks more. She has no interest in you, and she's a manipulative and toxic person. I know you're into her but being in a relationship with her would only hurt you, trust me."

"What do you know about Chloé?" Kim demanded, shaking his fists at me.

"I know enough," I replied. "And besides, there's nothing wrong being by yourself for Valentine's Day. I'm alone all the time, it's great. You get to do whatever you want."

Kim shook his head. "You don't understand."

"Maybe I don't," I shrugged. "But… it's not the end of the world. You can find someone else that loves you just as much as you love them."

Kim stared at me for a moment. I had been trying to keep his attention on me, away from the akuma hanging around nearby us.

"I'm bad at love advice," I admitted. "But honestly… cliché aside, there are more fish in the sea. You'll find someone one day, I'm sure."

The akuma was going away. My advice was actually working for once. I honestly felt… kind of proud of myself.

"I guess," Kim shrugged. He stood up, towering over me. "Uh… thanks for the pep talk, dude."

"Yeah, no problem," I said, digging my hands in my pockets. A small smile appeared on my face. Finally, I had managed to do something useful!

And then Kim's phone buzzed. He opened it up; a nasty scowl appeared on his face.

"Chloé…" he uttered, eyes narrowed. It was the photo of him that Chloé had posted all over social media.

"Hey, hey, buddy," I waved my hands. "Now-"

But I was too late. The akuma touched his broch, and the dark matter spread across his body. I took a few steps back. A pair of black and red wings emerged from his back, the edigest things I'd ever seen. His suit was red and black with a black head cover, the areas covering the top of his hair and around his eyes being red. The top of his suit was red, with a large white broken heart on his chest. On his back was a red and black quiver, and the broch was turned into a broken heart shape on a sash around his chest. The guy may or may not have been heartbroken.

Kim pulled out his bow and arrow, flapping his wings.

"John!" Lucetta and Mardi appeared behind me, wielding their hot chocolates. They were also wielding heart-shaped lollipops, which I assume they got as freebies.

"All hearts must be destroyed!" Kim shouted, glaring at us. He aimed his bow at the twins.

"Don't you dare," I snapped, moving them out of the way. The arrow just missed us.

"You can't run from me!" Kim shouted, shooting another arrow.

"John!" the twins shouted.

 _Not today,_ I thought. _I'm not going to-_

And then the arrow struck me right through the heart. I choked. I fell to my knees, feeling my lips turning pitch black.

"JOHN!" the twins cried.

"HAHAHA!" Kim cackled, flying away.

I put a hand on my beating heart. I felt… weird. A feeling I'd never had before was brewing up inside me.

"John?" Mardi asked, nudging my shoulder. Lucetta crossed her arms, giving me a weird look.

"Oh my God…" I breathed out. "I feel… AMAZING!"

I jumped up, wrapping my arms around the twins, lifting them off their feet. For the first time in ages, I felt _alive_. I felt like I could run a marathon, put on a Miraculous and save the day, and best of all…

"VALENTINE'S DAY IS THE BEST!" I cheered.

"Uh…" both the twins had never looked so confused.

"But right now, we've gotta put a stop to that _loser_ ," I told them, grinning wide. "How dare he try to ruin the best day of the year!"

"Johnny, what's gotten into you?" Lucetta asked.

"Aw, I love that nickname!" I said, ruffling her hair. "Come on girls, time's a wastin'!"

* * *

Just so you know, I find the way I behaved for the next hour one of the most embarrassing things I've ever done. Yet it was also the happiest I'd been in a long time.

"John!" the twins, for once, were chasing after _me_.

"Come on, you slow pokes!" I jeered. "He's gotta be around here somewhere!"

I gazed up at the sky, looking for an edgy-looking flying dude. Instead, I saw Ladybug and Chat Noir fighting, trying to fling each other off the rooftops.

"Oh my God!" I gasped. "Chat Noir and Ladybug are fighting?!"

I forget all about them when I saw Kim flying around in the sky, chasing after Chloé. She screamed, running towards a florist. She hid under a rack of flowers. An arrow went flying into the flowers, covering Chloé with dirt.

"Aw, poor Chloé," I said, which I never thought I'd say. "I'll save you!"

(I can't believe I wanted to save Chloé of all people…)

"John, no!" the twins cried.

I raced over towards Chloé, who raised her brow at me.

"Ugh, ugly guy?" she asked. "What are you doing here?"

"Here to save you, of course!" I replied, cheerfully. (This the part I hate the most, by the way.) I reached down, offering a hand like some kind of gentleman. Chloé, obviously seeing no other way, grabbed my arm. I pulled her up.

"How dare you!" Kim shouted. "All love will be destroyed!"

"Come on buddy," I told him, spreading my arms. "We need to talk about all this. I know Chloé did you dirty, but that's no reason to ruin the best day of the year."

"Shut up!" Kim yelled, aiming his bow at us. Holding Chloé's hand, I ran off, leading her behind me.

"Don't touch me!" she yelled, shoving me off.

"Aw," I smiled at her. "You're so sweet."

The twins were still giving me very weird looks. I couldn't blame them.

I saw Ladybug and Chat Noir in the distance. Ladybug was chasing Chat Noir around, trying to kiss him. In return, Chat Noir was yelling insults at her. Seriously, what the Hell even was Valentine's Day anymore.

 _So Chat Noir is under the spell…_ I thought, narrowing my eyes. _Of course._

Kim gave a glance to Ladybug, before turning back to Chloé. I had a bad feeling, but I knew I wasn't going to let him hurt Ladybug so easily. After all, Ladybug and Chat Noir were my OTP! I would just have to take down Kim by myself. And somehow, I knew just how to do it. After all, love conquers all, right?

"Hey, edgy fly boy!" I yelled.

"It's Dark Cupid!" Kim corrected, glaring at me instead of Chloé.

"Run, _mon cherie_!" I yelled at Chloé. "I'll handle this."

Chloé rolled her eyes. "Yeah, because you're so strong, ugly."

Dark Cupid glared down at me. "Who do you think you are?! Stop meddling in my plans, you annoying commoner!"

"Come down here," I made a 'come here' gesture. "I've got something to tell you."

"I don't have time for you!" Dark Cupid shouted, holding up his bow. "Chloé won't get away!"

Chloé shrieked. "Ugh, this is the worst day ever! Thanks to all of you, my hair is completely ruined!"

"Aw, Chloé…" I reached out.

Dark Cupid, on the other hand, seemed to be having a change of heart. His features sharpened as he glared at Chloé.

"You're right about her," Dark Cupid told me. "Her heart is too devoid of love already. She doesn't need one of my arrows."

"Come down here," I told him. "I can tell you something about taking down Ladybug and Chat Noir."

Totally not shady at all, right?

Dark Cupid hesitated, before flying down next to me, arms crossed sceptically. I gave him the goo-goo eyes, pinching his cheeks.

"Stop that!" he shoved me away, going a pale red. "Tell me what you know about taking down Ladybug and Chat Noir!"

I signaled him to lower his head.

"Listen closely…" I whispered seductively into his ear. "Thanks to you, I finally understand the appeal of Valentine's Day. Thank you."

And then I kissed him on the lips.

Time stood still for a moment, before I realised how disgusting it felt. Suddenly, all the good feelings I'd had dissipated with the wind. It felt like I'd been dragged back down to Earth by my neck. I wanted to freaking throw up. In other words, I was back to grumpy old me. But I still remembered the plan. I reached out, grabbing the broch off his chest.

"You…" Dark Cupid was bright red. "You… I…"

"Back to normal now," I told him. "That was disgusting, by the way. Kissing is so overrated. Never doing that again."

As I was about to destroy the broch, Dark Cupid grabbed my arm.

"What have you done to me?!" he demanded, hot and bothered. "I… I…"

"Let go," I tried to pull away, but his grip was iron.

Then Ladybug and Chat Noir arrived. Ladybug gasped, seeing the broch in my hand.

"John, quick!" she shouted. "Destroy it!"

"I'm madly in love with you," Dark Cupid told me, tears framing his eyes.

That caught me off-guard. Someone actually _loved_ me? Then a yoyo came flying towards us, knocking us apart. Ladybug raced towards us, destroying the broch by crushing it under her foot.

And then everything was back to normal. Kim shook his head, having forgotten everything that had happened. Thank the gods. I wasn't going to be kissing anyone again for a long time. Valentine's Day was back to being my least favourite holiday.

"John!" my sisters appeared before me.

I sighed. "Come on. Let's get out of here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Fun fact: this is a real place. XD 'La Maison du Chocolat' roughly translates to 'the house of chocolate'. As you can guess, they have chocolate there. Shocking, I know.
> 
> **My cutie


	11. The worst mayor yet

Confession: I don't really pay much attention to politics. I honestly couldn't tell you much more than the mayor's name, but that's only because André Bourgeois had been the mayor for ages.

I had literally nothing else to do, so for the first time in forever, I was actually watching the news. I was slumped on the old couch, hands in my pockets. The old TV flickered in front of me.

" _Yesterday, Mr. Bourgeois was re-elected as mayor of Paris for the fourth consecutive term_ ," said Nadja Chamack, the newsperson. " _Here we see Mr. Bourgeois with his daughter._ "

The old TV screen showed some footage of Mr. Bourgeois and Chloé, who was waving at the cameras. At least she seemed pretty happy.

"Wow," Dad said, sitting next to me. "Him again?"

"He's been mayor for so long I actually remember his name," I sighed.

" _Armand D'Argencourt, one of Bourgeois' opponents, and fencing instructor of Françoise Dupont High School, was pummeled in the polls_ ," Nadja continued. " _In fact, D'Argencourt acquired the least number of votes in Paris History._ "

The screen showed a guy who was pretty much a walking French stereotype, down to the mustache and everything. He shoved the cameras out of his face and ran down to the metropolitain (aka the subway).

"Poor guy," I said.

"Yep," Dad agreed. He made a face. "Hey, he teaches at Collège Françoise Dupont… isn't that where some of your friends go to school?"

Honestly. I'd been involved in so much super hero bullshit that Dad thought I was friends with those psychos.

"Nope," I said, furrowing my brow. "Don't need any friends anyway."

"Aw, c'mon, John," Dad grabbed my shoulder. "Don't be so afraid of making some new friends."

"It's not that I'm afraid," I argued, "it's just that I don't want to."

Dad sighed. "No need to be so antisocial. You're a kid, John. You're supposed to get out there and have some fun!"

"Want me to go on drugs or something?" I asked.

Dad rolled his eyes. "That's not what I meant, and you know it!"

"I'm going to my room if you're going to keep trying to get me to be social or whatever," I said, getting up.

Dad's eyes were hard. "Maybe I should talk to your mom about enrolling you to Collège Françoise Dupont…"

"Please no," I pleaded, hand on heart. "I'd rather die."

"John…" Dad called out, but I quickly stormed upstairs before he could get on my case. All the anti-social talk was getting on my nerves. So what if I was a loner? I liked it that way.

… most of the time.

I went upstairs, jumping on my bed. I suppose I could've spoken to Dad some more, tried to convince him otherwise, but I was too tired. And angry. I decided it was time for an afternoon nap. The previous night, I hadn't got much sleep for some reason.

But before that, I wanted to check out my social media stuff. So I pulled out my phone, scrolling through the news. They were still raving about the whole mayor election thing.

Nadja was outside Collège Françoise Dupont (wow, that made me feel better - not), chasing after Armand. Armand was standing next to a pole with a poster of André's face on it. Safe to say, Armand didn't look happy, by the way he was clutching his saber. Well, he was a fencing teacher, so I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised to see the saber. It also explained his fencing uniform.

" _Mr. D'Argencourt, it has been said, and I quote, that you're 'stuck in the dark ages like a stubborn old rusted battle-axe'_ ," Nadja said, shoving the mic in Armand's face. " _What do you have to say to that?_ "

" _Poisonous wretch_!" Armand shouted. " _Dares't thou approach with such venomous questions. Be gone, now, pestilent pain in the neck!_ "

He sliced up the André poster with his saber. Out of nowhere, an akuma came flying towards him. And I nearly lost my mind right then and there.

Seriously, I had to take a breather. The guy was about to get akumatized, and I actually wasn't there for once? I was _safe_?! I swear, it was a dream come true! For once, I wasn't going to freaking die!

" _When the flag bearing the emblem of mine ancestors lies once again upon the roof of City Hall, then to thee I shall indeed be indebted!_ " Armand shouted, changing the French flag to some edgy nonsense.

The camera showed Armand getting akumatised into some kind of psycho-looking knight. He had dark grey armour, some of it striped. The besagues had red curled outlined designs on them, and on the center of the breastplate, there was a edgy red family crest design with a black outline and a black phoenix-like creature inside. He was holding a massive sword, which matched his edgy knight outfit.

Nadja began sweating. " _Anything y-you'd like to say about your t-transformation into a-_ "

" _Darkblade!_ " Armand shouted, raising his sword. " _The lord of Paris!_ "

 _Welp, for once, I don't need to worry about this crap_ , I thought, switching my phone off. _Time for my afternoon nap._

I got into bed, covering myself with the doona. I was actually pretty tired, so I began to fall asleep almost immediately. And of course, I had a really weird dream. I was walking through the Place des Vosges, when I saw the butterfly guy from the whole time travel incident, leaning against the carousel. He had his arms crossed, shaking his head at me. His cape flowed out behind him. He gave off a sense of aura and power, but also weirdly enough, familiarity.

" _All this, and you still choose to hide?_ " he asked me. " _You have more power and knowledge than anyone else in Paris._ "

" _What are you talking about?_ " I asked. " _I'm just an ordinary guy._ "

" _That's what they all say, y'know_ ," the guy replied, smirking. " _Even Marinette and Adrien say they're ordinary people. But once you become a superhero… you're not ordinary anymore. An ordinary person, after all, has no secret other life._ "

" _Are you trying to be funny or something?_ " I asked. " _I'm not even a superhero. I'm just some guy._ "

" _Maybe you are_ ," the guy said, titling his head, " _but you're also a guy with more knowledge than Hawk Moth himself. He would kill to have your knowledge._ "

" _Hawk Moth…_ " I said, making a face. " _Is he the one-_ "

_BANG_

I sat right up, eyes open wide. What the Hell was that?!

I got out of bed, opening my bedroom door.

"Dad?" I called down the stairs. "Are you okay?"

No answer. My stomach dropped.

"Dad…?" I called out, hesitantly.

I crept down the stairs like I was in a horror film.

I gritted my teeth. "Hey, Dad, if you're pulling a prank or something…"

I reached the bottom of the stairs, getting to the living room. No sign of Dad. The old TV and the shelf it sat on had fallen over. Glass was sprinkled across the carpet. My lip quivered, and I felt a pang in my chest.

 _Oh, it's just a stupid TV_ , I thought, shaking myself out of it. _Besides, Dad's the important deal here._

"Dad!" I called. "Where are you?!"

"John!" I heard Dad's strained voice from the front door. "Stay away!"

"Dad?!" I demanded. I raced to the front door. Darkblade and a bunch of knights that resembled him were standing there, except they had green on them instead of red. Dad was standing there too, holding up his hands. A cut was on his cheek. He shook his head at me, his face heavy.

 _Run_ , he mouthed.

My stomach dropped. Cold sweat dripped down my cheeks.

_Dad..._

"Thou shalt become my knight!" Darkblade shouted.

He pointed his sword at Dad, transforming him into a knight clone.

I fell to my knees, hands clenching into fists.

"Nary a minute to be wasted!" Darkblade shouted. "City Hall awaits us!"

He and his army stormed off, leaving me in my half-destroyed house. I felt tears burning behind my eyes.

 _How many times are my parents going to get kidnapped?!_ I thought.

I stood up, wiping my tears away.

_So this is why I'm not supposed to be a coward._

* * *

For once, I was feeling more angry than scared. I was really sick of my parents getting kidnapped or turned into creatures serving super villains. Honestly, if it was just me getting screwed with all the time, maybe I wouldn't be so angry. But they kept bringing my parents into my messes, making it worse.

I felt pathetic. Darkblade had an army of knights, and I only had stupid old me. Sure, I had the true identities of Ladybug and Chat Noir, but that knowledge couldn't help me save Dad. I just had to wait around and put my faith in Ladybug and Chat Noir. And while I knew they would most likely come out on top, that wouldn't stop my parents from getting kidnapped again. Or me getting kidnapped, for that matter. It was going to happen over and over again.

 _No_ , I shook myself out of it. _I should go and check this out for myself. If anything, I can try and talk them out of it. Maybe I can get Dad back._

It was just wistful thinking, honestly.

I went outside. The traffic was heavily banked up, due to all the drama. Luckily, City Hall wasn't too far from Dad's apartment. I walked around the multitude of confused and frightened people. I was kind of surprised that they were so freaked out. You'd think they'd be used to all the supervillain attacks.

Up ahead was the Hôtel de Ville, aka the City Hall, a large, old building decorated in French flags. Naturally, it was surrounded by Darkblade and his stupid knights. My blood started boiling. Every villain attack, I got more and more pissed off.

"Kneel before thy flag of Darkblade!" Darkblade roared. "Bow down before mine eyes!"

I saw Chat Noir taking out tons of knights by himself, staff in hand. That begged the question: where the Hell was Ladybug? Creeping behind the City Hall, I peered inside one of the windows. Marinette was in there, catiously watching Chat Noir.

 _What the Hell are you doing, Marinette?!_ I thought.

Marinette noticed me, and gasped. She signalled for me to come inside.

I shrugged at her, like, how was I supposed to do that? The knights were in front of the door. I couldn't shove past all of them.

_Hey, wait, the knights..._

"Dad?" I called out to the sea of knights. "Are you there?!"

None of them turned around. So my dad had been utterly brainwashed. Just fantastic. That made me so happy.

Better yet, Marinette had disappeared from the window. The knights were too busy dealing with Chat Noir, so none of them came after me. Aside from Darkblade himself, of course.

"Ah!" he pointed his sword at me. "Another gentle knight who is't wanteth to joineth the battle, aye?"

"You wish," I spat. "You broke into my house and kidnapped my dad. You destroyed some of my furniture. You're taking over Paris like some kind of psycho dictatorship! What kind of 'gentle knight' would do that?!"

Darkblade hesitated for a moment.

"You're not a knight, idiot!" I yelled. "You're a psychopath! No wonder you lost against André! Paris doesn't want a psycho mayor like you!"

"I am taking backeth the city mine own ancestor hath lost!" Darkblade boomed so loud, almost making me go deaf in my good ear. "If it be true thou art going to cross me... then thee might not but kicketh the bucket!"

"Excuse me?!" I demanded. "Say that in French, please?"

His sword dug into my neck.

"Oh," I scowled. "Kill me. Got it."

I moved out of the way, backing against the City Hall. I decided to try a tactic I hadn't touched before: begging.

"Look, I just want my dad back," I told him, getting on my knees. "You wanna take over Paris? Fine. Just give my dad back. Please."

"T's too late for yond, thee dram pest," Darkblade hissed, swinging his sword. The sword sliced off some of my hair, ruining my widow's peak. "Thy father is one of mine own knights, and thee'll beest putteth to death!"

I wished I could fight back, but I had no fighting skills whatsoever, aside from my fists, I suppose. But in the end, they'd be pretty useless against a two meter tall knight with a huge-ass sword. So I decided to try a different option once again. I hoped it would work, since I was starting to run out of ideas.

"I'll become one of your knights if you bring Dad back!" I told him.

"T's too late for thee!" Darkblade boomed. "Timeth for thee to kicketh the bucket!"

Welp, one last choice left. It was time... for buying some time.

"No, wait," I held up my hands, holding my breath. "Before you do that… shouldn't you get rid of the French flag and replace it with your own nonsense? No point doing an execution if everyone thinks this is still Paris, right?"

I imagined Darkblade's eyes would've lit up.

"Thou art correct!" he shouted. "We wilt changeth the flag betimes! Paris is nay more!"

He hopped up to the top of the City Hall, reaching for a large French flag. Ladybug came flying up out of nowhere, racing towards him. However, he kicked her down, grabbing the flag. The flag turned to the edgy emblem on his chestplate.

"Villains!" he boomed, somehow even louder than before. "Thou impress me not. By the blade of darkness, I hereby declare all peoples of this kingdom are henceforth mine!

A wave of darkness covered the whole city, turning every civilian into a knight clone. The sky had gone completely black, and a chill rushed through the air. I shivered, falling to my knees.

 _Crap..._ I clenched my fists. _Is this my fault?!_

"Don't worry," Chat Noir appeared, grinning at me. "You did well holding him off, my guy. We've got this."

"I didn't do shit," I grumbled, bowing my head.

"You did plenty," Chat Noir assured me. "Don't be so hard on yourself."

I glanced up at him. I realised that despite the weird bad boy persona, the kind-hearted Adrien Agreste was still in there.

Chat Noir raced off to join Ladybug. He continued battling the knights. Many more of them were showing up. Thousands of them, and more to come. The heroes would get overwhelmed pretty quickly. The darkness was getting closer as well. Soon, I myself was going to become a knight too.

All of a sudden a shadow completely covered my form. I dared myself to back.

"Blinking idiot!" Darkblade boomed, appearing behind me. "Didst thee bethink I forgot about thee, clotpole?"

I glared at him. "Now listen here you-" I called him some French slurs, including the word 'clotpole', whatever the Hell that means.

Darkblade raised his sword, about to decapitate me, when something landed in his armour.

He began laughing, like he was being tickled. He dropped his sword. Ladybug came flying down, crushing the sword under her foot. Somehow. The akuma came out of it, flying away.

"Miraculous Ladybug!" Ladybug shouted. With a wave of her hand, the darkness went away, and the knights were back to their normal selves. I immediately got up, searching for Dad. I soon found him. He was standing around, rubbing the back of his head.

"Dad!" I called.

Dad turned around, grinning at me.

"John," he smiled. "What's gotten into you?"

"Let's just go home," I said, sighing.

"You always want to go home," Dad sighed.

"Yeah?" I asked. "Well, maybe home isn't as bad as you think it is."

"Didn't something happen to the TV, by the way?" Dad asked, making a face.

"We needed a new one anyway," I sighed.


	12. Dude, quit staring at me

I'm not sure if I'm a weirdo or something, but I really can't see the appeal of a lot of mainstream TV shows. Reality shows are all a lot of fake crap, and that's not even my opinion, that's just fact. As for teen dramas or whatever, too much talking about sex really. Does anyone really care? No.

I'm not a big fan of the KIDZ+ channel. As I said before, most of the shows on there are just dumb. Reality shows, kids drama, whatever, it's all dumb. However, my step-sisters did not have the same opinion. They loved everything on that stupid channel and watched it all the time, much to my annoyance. If I heard one more damn laugh track coming from that TV I swear I was gonna-

It was a nice Saturday afternoon. Slumped on the couch, I turned on the TV, just to see if the news had anything going on. Instead I was confronted with another atrocity from KIDZ+.

" _Welcome back to everyone's #1 live game show: The Challenge!_ " yelled my favourite guy Alec (totally not sarcasm). " _Let's give it up for our awesome contestant, Nino!_ "

 _What kind of name is 'The Challenge'?_ I thought. _Man, these shows somehow keep getting more and more stupid…_

"OMG!" the demon twins screamed, almost making me go deaf in my good ear. "THE CHALLENGE!"

They jumped beside me, scaring the living daylights out of me. They had their eyes glued to The Challenge, which took place in the TVi Studio, aka the most popular TV studio in Paris. And unfortunately, it was also where many bad shows were filmed.

As Alec the annoyance said before, good old Nino Lahiffe was a contestant. The guy himself walked out on the stage, waving at the audience.

" _So Nino, you're a student and a DJ_ ," Alec said. " _That's pretty awesome! Check out the decks we got for you!_ "

He pointed to a DJ set and boombox, centerstage. While Nino seemed happy, it only reminded me of the time he turned into the Bubbler and gave me a life-time fear of bubbles.

"Ooh," my sisters gawked.

I had to admit, I was kind of (and I emphasise _kind of_ ) interested to see what Nino was going to do on the show. After all, I actually knew the dude.

And then, the mayor André Bourgeois walked out on the stage, gazing left and right.

" _Alright, Nino, your challenge is to make the mayor dance!_ " Alec told Nino. " _Can you do it?_ "

Nino grinned. " _You know it!_ "

He stood behind his DJ set thing, and slipped his headphones over his ears. He began, uh, making a track, or whatever it is DJs do. The demon twins and I watched the mayor to see if he'd begin cutting some shapes. To my surprise, the mayor bobbed his head to the beat. Or something like that.

" _Victory!_ " Alec called. " _Challenge conquered by Nino. You moved your head to the beat, Mayor Bourgeois! That counts as dancing!_ "

" _What?!_ " André demanded. " _That's not true! My neck was... itching, that's all._ "

" _Relieving an itch to the beat counts as dancing, too!_ " Alec retorted. He grinned at Nino. " _Nino, congratulations. You'll return in one week to meet your next challenge!_ "

"Wow, that was awesome!" my step-sisters cheered.

"All he did was bob his head," I said. "How's that awesome?"

"Shhh!" my step sisters hissed.

I rolled my eyes.

" _And now, for our next contestant, welcome Simon Grimault!_ " Alec yelled.

A guy who looked like an off-brand Harry Houdini came out on stage. He was pretty tall, with brown, way hair, and a long nose. He was wearing a high-collared white dress shirt underneath a dark gray vest with black buttons, along with a black bow around the collar. On top, he wore a dress jacket that was lavender with fuschia circles, along with a black collar, black cuffs, and coattails. He also wore black slacks.

" _Mr. Grimault, you are a hypnotist_ ," Alec addressed Simon. " _You use cards to hypnotize people to get what you want from them!_ "

" _Well, yes, I'm a hypnotist_ ," Simon replied. He sweat-beaded. " _But, uh, I don't use my skills to get anything._ "

The guy seemed so mellow and sweet. Honestly, he somehow made Alec even more unlikeable.

" _So, your challenge today, Simon, is to use your talents to bring a very elusive celebrity to this very TV set!_ " Alec pointed to a screen that popped out of nowhere. " _Give it up for the king of fashion, Gabriel Agreste!_ "

Just as that was about to happen, my phone began ringing.

 _Seriously?_ I thought. _Now?_

I opened up my phone, but it was from a number I didn't recognise. So of course I hung up. Come on man, I'm not that naive. Or maybe I'm just too socially awkward.

And then the number texted me, which really got me going.

_?:_

_Hey John, it's Marinette!_

Yeah… she had my number. I was about ready to drown myself.

_Me:_

_Uh… how'd you get my number?_

_Marinette:_

_I got it from Alix. Anyway, um, just wanted to ask… Do you know Ladybug's true identity?_

I almost dropped my phone.

_Me:_

_Why do you ask?_

_Marinette:_

_I don't know, just curious._

I didn't even know what to say. I hate to lie, I really do, but at the same time…

"JOHNNY!"

I can't believe it, but that stupid nickname saved me from making a hard choice. I gazed at the TV screen, and it was absolute chaos.

" _Simon says the show is not over!_ " a familiar voice yelled. Simon had turned into a bald, periwinkle dude with a bright green top hat. A black mask was over his eyes, and the area close to the eyes was coloured indigo. He wore a bodysuit below the head with a light gray high collar and front, with a large black bow pattern on the front below the collar. The left side of the top of the suit was green with a purple left glove and butterfly sleeve edge. Overall, _really_ different from before.

" _What on Earth?!_ " Alec yelled.

Simon Says held up one of his magic cards. " _Silence Says you're lame! As lame as a duck!_ "

He threw the card at Alec. Alec began quacking and running around like a duck. I had to admit, the guy deserved it. Then this huge bodyguard dude ran towards Simon Says, shaking his massive fists.

" _Simon Says stop!_ " Simon Says threw another card at him. The guy froze up. " _Simon Says act like a gorilla!_ "

As I'm sure you can guess, the dude began acting like a gorilla, pounding his chest and all.

"Johnny, what's going on?" Mardi whimpered, grabbing my arm.

"Wow!" Lucetta yelled. "This is the coolest episode ever! I wish I was there in person to see it!"

And that's what _really_ separates the twins.

My phone buzzed. A text from Marinette.

Marinette:

_John, are you there? Well, whether you're there or not, stay safe. There's a villain on the loose!_

I put my phone away, breathing in. My step-sisters stared at me.

"I'm going upstairs," I stated. "Don't get into trouble." I glared at Lucetta. "Especially you, Lucetta. I can see that look on your face. Trust me, you _don't_ want to be there in person. And also, stop watching that stupid show."

I swear I saw Lucetta smirk like she was up to no good. It made me feel… slightly uneasy. But hey, not my problem. I warned her. And plus, I was tired.

I stormed upstairs, and shut my door. I decided to go on my computer and watch some actually good stuff.

* * *

I was mid-way through watching some One Piece when Avril burst through the door.

"Just let yourself in," I muttered.

"John, this is serious," Avril crossed her arms. "Lucetta has gone out to that TVi studio to find someone named 'Simon Says', who's a villain."

"Are you serious?" I cocked a brow.

 _I warned her_ , I groaned internally.

Avril's hands were shaking. "John, you know about this villain business, don't you? You have to help me out here. Lucetta's in _danger_."

I stood up, stretching my arms. No protesting this time. I wanted to see Lucetta learn her lesson.

"Alright," I rubbed my hands together. "Let's do this."

"Me too!" Mardi barged in, grinning at Avril and I. "No villain's gonna touch my sister!"

_Family day out, huh…_

* * *

Avril drove herself, Lucetta and I over to the Agreste Mansion. You might be asking, hey, what about the studio? Well, I caught up on the news, and I saw this clip:

" _Simon says... you are all soldiers!_ " the ever aggressive Simon Says yelled, turning a bunch of random people into his servants. " _Simon says... search all over Paris, my army, and find Gabriel Agreste!"_

Three guesses where Gabriel Agreste would be hanging out.

Plus, we also saw a video of Adrien, Ladybug, Nino, and of course Lucetta heading over there as well. So that's where we drove, straight to the Agreste mansion. We parked out the front, seeing Ladybug and co going inside the huge, fancy gates, leading up to the huge, fancy mansion.

Avril stormed out of the car with enough force in her steps to make even Darth Vader tremble.

"Lucetta!" Avril shouted, rage coating her voice. Literally everyone jumped. I was glad I'd never seen Avril mad before.

"Sis!" Mardi yelled, just as angry as her mother.

"I wanna die!" I yelled. Just kidding, I sat there and thought about how my life got to this point.

"John!" Adrien waved at me. "Hey, I was looking out for you!"

"Ay, John!" Nino made a peace sign at me. Or it could've been a gang sign, who knows.

"Yo," I waved, digging my hands into my pockets.

Lucetta hid behind Ladybug, trying to avoid her mother's seething glare.

Adrien walked over to me. "You're here to get your sister, right?"

I nodded. "Yep."

"Good, but uh…" Adrien rubbed the back of his head. "I kind of want to show you something inside the mansion…"

"What is it?" I asked.

"You'll see," Adrien said.

So I left Lucetta outside to get scolded by her sister and her mother. Meanwhile, I followed the others inside Agreste mansion. And I almost had to do a double take. I mean, I know it was a mansion, but _oh_ my god. The walls were white and glamorous, with a thousand staircases. I don't know why mansions have so many staircases, honestly. The roof towered above me, with glowing lights covering the ceiling. It made me feel guilty about missing my dad's old couch and TV.

"Nathalie, where's my father?" Adrien shouted. "He's in danger!"

A stern-looking woman appeared, wearing glasses, formal clothing, and dark hair tied into a bun. "He knows already."

"Good evening, Ladybug," a deep voice spoke. A man came down the stairs. He was tall and thin, with bleached blonde hair, blue eyes, and a pair of glasses. He wore a white dress shirt underneath a silver vest with red buttons and a cream-colored dress jacket, along with a red-and-white striped tie. He also wore red dress pants and white shoes. On the middle finger of his left hand, he had a silver band ring.

 _So that's Gabriel Agreste in the flesh_ , I thought.

Gabriel stared down at me, like he wasn't sure what to make of me. Honestly, I didn't know what to make of him, either.

"Father, you've gotta get outta here," Adrien told him. "The hypnotist Simon Says is coming after you!"

"What?" Gabriel scoffed. "And be dictated by a madman? Certainly not."

"But father, he's dangerous!" Adrien cried. "Who knows what he'll do?

"Head up to your room now," Gabriel replied, calmly. "You've had enough excitement for today." He turned to the woman. "Nathalie, make sure they stay there." He shook his head at Ladybug. "I have to apologize for my son, Ladybug. He's like his mother. Way too overly dramatic."

"But he's right, you know," Ladybug argued. "Simon Says is a real threat. You're in a lot of danger!"

"What could possibly happen with you here to protect me?" Gabriel asked.

He creepily stared at me once again. I really wished he would cut that out.

We walked up the stairs, headed to Adrien's bedroom.

"You sure your old man isn't some robot or something?" Nino asked Adrien.

"When my father's concerned I'm never sure of anything," Adrien admitted.

I felt bad for the guy. If my dad was anything like Adrien's, I'd lose my mind. Anyway, we made it to Adrien's bedroom... well, it was hard to describe it as a _bedroom_. It looked like a whole freaking gymnasium: two floors, a bookshelf on the top floor, a basketball hoop on the bottom floor, a full on home cinema, a freaking zipline, an arcade, and the list goes on. That thing had to be bigger than my dad's whole apartment.

"Hoho! Dude!" Nino exclaimed. "I've seen stadiums tinier than your room!"

 _Damn right_ , I thought. How could anyone survive in such a lavish space?

"Make yourself at home," Adrien told us. "I'm gonna take a shower."

"What about that thing you wanted to show me?" I asked him.

"Oh, uh, yeah," Adrien stammered. "I'll show you later. Gotta shower first."

"Now?" Nico groaned.

"What can I say?" Adrien shrugged. "It's the model in me!"

He dashed off, leaving us alone. Apparently, the puns weren't reserved for just Chat Noir.

Nino groaned. "I wish he would cut that out."

I shrugged, awkwardly. I decided to have a look around while we waited for Adrien (though I doubted he was going to be coming back for a while). I went for a little walk, following Ladybug, who went into some kind of hall full of photos. Ladybug busied herself by gazing at photos of Adrien modelling. I busied myself by wondering why Adrien had a foosball table in his room.

"I've seen you around quite a lot, young man."

For the third time that day, I almost jumped out of my skin. Gabriel Agreste was standing right behind me like some kind of serial killer.

"Uh…" I honestly didn't even know what to say. The guy was making me uncomfortable as all hell.

"Johnathan, isn't it?" he asked.

"Um, yeah, that's me," I said, avoiding eye contact.

"You seem to be quite friendly with Ladybug," he said. "And my son, for that matter."

"Yeah…" I said, digging my hands into my pockets.

"You must be an interesting person then, hmm?" Gabriel asked.

"Honestly, not really, sir…" I admitted.

Gabriel's expression was hard to read. I wasn't sure if he believed me or not.

He opened his mouth to speak, when we were interrupted by Chat Noir and Ladybug.

"Close off all exits!" Chat Noir shouted. "They're coming from another direction! Do as I say! Engage the self-defense system, we need total lockdown!"

Gabriel pressed a button, activating some kind of crazy machine. I heard machines whirring in the walls.

" **Lockdown engaged.** " a voice boomed.

"How do you know so much about the system?" Gabriel asked Chat Noir.

"Uh… in a house like this... it's a given!" Chat Noir stammered.

Gabriel's expression darkened. "They won't get in. This house is built like a fortress."

* * *

We were in total darkness, in Gabriel's atelier of all things. In case you didn't know, it was pretty much his office. Real fun, being stuck in the dark in Gabriel Agreste's office.

" **Emergency power on.** "

The lights flickered back on, so I got to admire my surroundings. The fancy walls had checkerboard patterns, and a large, expensive office desk. There was also a wall of photos of Adrien, like some kind of shrine.

 _Man, I know parents like taking photos of their kids, but this is ridiculous_ , I thought.

My eyes were also drawn to a painted image between the windows. It showed a blonde woman, drawn in the style of Gustav Klimt's Portrait of Adele Bloch-Bauer I. (Look it up if you're interested.)

Outside, I could hear Simon Says' army yelling insults in French. My skin crawled.

"There are too many of them," Chat Noir told Gabriel. "Your defense system is failing!"

"Adrien and Nino!" Ladybug gasped. "I better go get them!"

"Here, Nathalie," Gabriel turned to Nathalie, giving her a remote control. "Pick the controls in case you need to unlock an exit. She's coming with you."

"I'll reinforce the outer defenses," Chat Noir said, gazing at his father and I. "Go hide in the atrium. It's not safe in here."

"No one tells me what to do," Gabriel replied, icily. "Not even a super."

"You're in danger, like everyone else," Chat Noir snapped. "So stop pretending you're above us all and do what I tell you to!"

He reached out to another control, grabbing it. His ears flattened against his head. Gabriel raised his brow.

"Quite a temper," Gabriel stated. "You remind me of someone."

He gazed at the image of the woman as Chat Noir left. I stared at the woman too. She looked a lot like Adrien.

"My wife," Gabriel told me.

"Oh…" I said, gazing off to the side. "Is she… uh…"

"Dead?" Gabriel asked. He adjusted his glasses. "Well, now, Jonathan, I don't think that's any of your business."

"Y… you're right," I agreed. "Sorry, sir."

Gabriel re-composed herself. "Well, come along, young man. We must go to the atrium."

"Right," I agreed, a chill still going down my spine.

* * *

The time I spent in the atrium was one of the most awkward moments of my entire life, since it was pretty much just me, Gabriel, Nathalie, and a bodyguard. I'd never felt so uncomfortable.

I was so relieved when Ladybug, Chat Noir and Nino showed up. I wasn't as relieved when the Simon Says army began trying to break down the door.

 _I should've gone home,_ I thought, hiding in the corner.

Simon Says burst through the door, his army swarming him. And that's when I knew we were done for.

* * *

"Welcome to another exciting hour of 'The Challenge'!" Simon Says yelled. "Good evening again from Simon Says. Viewers, I've kept my promise. Here's Gabriel!"

We were at the TVi Studio, cameras pointed at us from every direction. I tried to hide my face by covering it with my hands. But of course, I bumped against a green screen, which drew even more attention to me. Fantastic.

Simon Says pointed to Gabriel, and chucked a card at him. "Simon Says… you are a butterfly!"

"Flap flap, flutter flutter, flutter flutter, flap flap!" Gabriel flapped his arms and danced around. I almost laughed out of pure insanity.

"Tomorrow, Butterfly, you will be no more." Simon Says chuckled.

Then he turned to me.

"And what shall I turn you into, little boy?" he asked me.

Why did everyone call me 'little boy'? I was literally average height!

Thankfully, Ladybug and Chat Noir showed up.

"Ladybug, Cat Noir," Simon Says spread his arms. "You can save these two by giving me your Miraculouses. Do the right thing…"

Ladybug, instead, used her Lucky Charm and pulled out an ordinary yo-yo, even though she had a magical one. Go figure, I suppose.

The three of them began fighting, Simon Says throwing insulting cards at them. I tried to crawl away before one of the cards hit me.

"Na-na-na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na-na-na!" Chat Noir teased, avoiding another card.

"It doesn't matter whether you can hear me or not, all that is important is what Simon says!" Simon Says roared. "Simon says remove your Miraculous and give it to me!" He turned to Gabriel, who was still acting like a butterfly. "Simon says... take off like an airplane!"

"He's headed for the roof," Chat Noir gasped. "We've got to stop him!"

"No, go after Simon Says first," I called.

"Yeah, he's right," Ladybug agreed, and turned to Simon Says. "If we go after Simon Says, we can also save Mr. Agreste."

So that's what they did. Using the power of friendship or whatever, they won by knocking Simon Says' cards out of his hands. Before he could pick them all up again, Ladybug quickly removed the akuma. It floated off into the sky.

"Miraculous Ladybug!" Ladybug yelled, whisking everything bad away.

And of course, they managed to bring Gabriel back down from the roof. He was slightly dumbfounded, but otherwise fine. As for me, it was time for me to go. I didn't want Gabriel Agreste staring at me again.

"See ya, John!" Chat Noir waved at me, as I left the studio.

I returned the wave, while Gabriel stared at me some more (yahoo…). Gods, I wish he would cut that out.


	13. XY, more like X-Bye (ha ha got em)

You've probably guessed I like a bit of rock n' roll. Hell, most of the time I wore a hoodie with the Metallica logo on it. Believe it or not, semi-deaf people can still enjoy music. Metallica was one of my favourite bands, but I also enjoyed a bit of Pink Floyd and Black Rose. Even though I like most rock n' roll artists, there was one guy I couldn't stand. I'm not sure why, something about the guy rubbed me the wrong way.

The dude's name was Jagged Stone, and he looked about as ridiculous as everyone in KISS. So you know, long, messy black hair with purple highlights, eyebrows, clown make-up, and an black outfit that showed some male cleavage. Also, he had the worst fake British accent I'd ever heard. As someone who is ¼ British, I can tell.

While the guy really got on my nerves, my dad thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. And not just my dad, most people in Paris. Dad was always playing his music on the radio, making me want to go deaf in my good ear. Until one fateful day, that is.

See, for once in my entire life, Lady Luck was on my side, since the radio wasn't playing Jagged Stone trash. It was playing a song by some guy named XY.

"What the Hell is this?" Dad asked, glaring at the radio sitting on his microwave. Although, like many things in his house, the radio was kind of old, it still worked well enough so you could tell when it wasn't blaring Jagged Stone crap.

Now, this is going to sound hypocritical, but… the more I listened to that XY song, the more I actually kind of missed Jagged Stone. I know I just slandered Jagged Stone for a paragraph, but at least his (trashy) music sounded real (but in a bad way). XY's stuff sounded like it was put together by an AI. Yeah, it was catchy, but it was somehow faker than Chloé's personality.

" _XY is number one on the charts!_ " a voice from the radio called, once the abysmal song finally finished.

"Number one on the charts?!" Dad exclaimed. "That song is number one?!" He looked like he was about to have a heart attack. "What is wrong with this city?!"

I honestly couldn't agree more, but it was about more than just the music…

"Jagged Stone has been making original musical genius for the past few years," Dad exclaimed. "How could they possibly think that repetitive junk is better?!"

"Dad, it's just a song," I told him. "Relax."

"No, Jonathan, it's not _just a song_ ," Dad grabbed my shoulders, almost shaking the life out of me. "This could affect the entire music industry! We could never have original music again!"

"I think you're blowing this _way_ out of proportion," I said, looking off to the side. "Jagged Stone is still number two. He's not completely gone."

Dad sighed, letting my shoulders go. "Maybe, it's just…" He shook his head. "I've been a big fan of rock 'n roll for a long time, John. I've liked it since I was your age, y'know. Even younger! I used to knit while listening to the stuff." He laughed. "I suppose I'm a little passionate about it..."

"'A little' is an understatement," I grunted.

Dad just smiled at me. "Aw, John, you're just like how I was when I was your age."

I moved away before he could give me a noogie.

"I'm going to my room," I told him, creeping towards the stairs.

"Wait, John," Dad held out his hand. "I want to watch the news. Could you get your phone?"

I stared at him.

"Yes, yes, I know," Dad shrugged his shoulders. "I'm saving up for a new TV, I promise."

I sighed. I got out my phone, switching on the news app. And of course, it was showing a live interview with none other than XY. XY looked almost as fake as his music, with slicked-up blonde hair, a purple jacket with more male cleavage, and a golden chain around his neck. He held out a drink, a casual smirk on his face. I didn't need to look at Dad's face to know he already wasn't liking the interview.

" _Why am I number one?_ " XY tch-ed. " _Simple. It's not about music, it's about technology. This computer is programmed to produce music and lyrics people will like. It's guaranteed success._ "

Dad gritted his teeth. "That little…"

" _You knocked Jagged Stone off the #1 spot_ ," Nadja said, holding her microphone. " _What do you think of him?_ "

" _Bleah! Jagged Stone, the hero of rock 'n' roll?_ " XY chuckled. " _Try 'Ragged Stone.' That guy's old school, always has been. His guitar solo is so ten minutes ago. He's had his career, but it's over now. He'll never be number one, not while XY is here._ "

"Dad, calm down," I grabbed Dad's shaking shoulder. "It's just an interview."

" _Tonight, Mr. XY will be giving a very special one-time concert from the top of the Eiffel Tower, to celebrate his album's success, and thank his awesome fans._ " Nadja told us.

The screen showed the Eiffel Tower, and a crowd of people screaming XY's name. Then the camera cut to XY and his bodyguards.

" _Hey Ragged, if you wanna know what today's music sounds like, come to my concert_ ," XY grinned. " _I'll reserve you a front-row seat, old man, you know - in case your hearing's going._ "

Okay, now _I_ had a reason to be pissed off. You don't make fun of people losing their hearing in my presence, buddy.

"Turn the phone off," Dad grumbled at me, arms folded.

I switched it off, slipping it into my pocket.

"Wow," I chuckled. "That XY guy's such an asshole."

Dad sighed. "I know. But the kids all love his music…"

"Not _all_ kids," I replied. "And besides, XY's bad behaviour will come back to bite him."

"Yeah, good ol' karma," Dad agreed. He made a face. "I wonder what Jagged thinks of him… or if he saw the interview at all."

 _Wait a second, karma…_ I thought. _Does that mean… Jagged could get akumatised?_

"John, you okay?" Dad asked, staring at my face. "You look worried."

I shook myself out of it. "It's fine, Dad."

In a way, I kind of wanted to see Jagged take down that arrogant XY kid. He was a pain in the you-know-where. But I also didn't want to put myself in danger, so I decided to go upstairs. And play video games. You know, like a loser.

So I was playing some Ultimate Mecha Strike III, which is pretty much a mecha fighting game. I was playing alongside this dude named MK1105. I'd played amongst him before and we weren't best friends, but we were an okay team. We teamed up as a duo and won quite a few rounds. After the game, MK1105 actually sent me a message.

_MK1105: Greetings, excellent playing!_

_METALLICAGINGERBREAD: uh, thanks (This is me, by the way.)_

_MK1105: METALLICAGINGERBREAD, you live in Paris, yes? Have you heard about the villain attack currently taking place?_

_METALLICAGINGERBREAD: no…?_

_MK1150: A villain similar to Jagged Stone is attacking people and forcing them to dance. His name is Guitar Villain._

_METALLICAGINGERBREAD: uncreative name, but ok_

_MK1150: This is serious… stay safe. By the way, I think we've been playing together long enough for proper introductions. My name is Max. Max Kanté._

I stared at my screen. That name was familiar… then it clicked! He was one of Marinette's classmates! All this time, I'd been playing with someone who was connected to Marinette and Adrien in some way! Isn't that just amazing?!

_METALLICAGINGERBREAD: i know you. i'm john couture. Marinettes friend_

_MK1150: Ah, I remember you! You were at that race between Kim and Alix! It's quite a small world, yes?_

_Too small…_ I scowled. _How come every single person I meet has something to do with Marinette and/or Adrien?!_

_METALLICAGINGERBREAD: yeah…_

_MK1150: I have to depart. But let's meet in reality at some point, Johnathan._

_METALLICAGINGERBREAD: sure…_

He signed off after that. I was staring at my screen, dumbfounded. I really could not get away from these people.

All of the sudden, I heard the loudest electric guitar I have ever heard in my entire life. Seriously, I thought I was going to go deaf in my good ear… again. I peered out my grubby window, and saw a freaking purple dragon flying in the sky, fire coming from its mouth. Hanging out beneath the dragon was a dude holding a huge-ass guitar. His hair was in long dreadlocks. On his face, he had black shiny face paint around his eyes, and his eyes were blue. He wore a dark gray sleeved top with pointed edges, a turtleneck collar. His gloves and boots were dark gray. His guitar was shiny and purple with two black pointed tips on the soundboard.

Worse still, the dude was sending out blasts from his guitar, slicing up buildings and causing people to headbang furiously. I flinched, an apartment nearby us crumbling to bits. All it took was one swing from his guitar. Even with Ladybug and Chat Noir running around the scene, I didn't like the odds.

_Why is my life like this..._

"WHOA!" Dad barged into my room, peering out the window. "Is that Jagged Stone?! He looks so awesome!"

"DAD!" I shouted. "HE IS LITERALLY DESTROYING PARIS!"

"So he is," Dad sweat-beaded.

"We need to get out of here," I told him. "His guitar beams might crush us or something!"

Dad nodded, furrowing his brow. "Right. Let's go, John."

We raced downstairs, throwing our necessities into a duffel bag. Dad seemed more on edge than usual. Yeah, I know we were literally in mortal danger, but there was still something off about him.

"What's wrong, Dad?" I asked him.

"Nothing," Dad ruffled my hair, smiling at me. "Come on, John."

We raced out of the apartment, orange beams filling the sky. The huge-ass dragon continued blowing fire around for no reason. I honestly don't even know why it was there.

"Good music," Dad nodded at the orange beams.

" _Dad_ ," I growled.

"There are some villains who I can sympathise with, John," Dad told me.

"He. Is. Destroying. The. City." I repeated, slowly, angrily.

"I know, I know," Dad sighed.

We ran away, thankfully leaving the whole scenario behind us. I hoped the fire wouldn't destroy Dad's apartment. I know Ladybug's magic would've fixed everything, but he still deserved better. You can probably tell Dad wasn't the richest guy around. He held onto what he had.

We got further and further away from the craziness, still able to see orange beams in the sky. People were either dancing on the street, or running for their lives. Dad took a breather, leaning against the post office.

"Sorry, John," he panted, putting a hand on his stomach. "I'm a bit out of shape…"

"I can tell," I deadpanned.

Up ahead was the Eiffel Tower, where the XY guy was supposed to be performing. I had a feeling that was where Guitar Villain was headed. But honestly, even if he wasn't going after XY specifically, he'd go there anyway because it's the Eiffel Tower.

"We should stay away from the Eiffel Tower," I told Dad. "Guitar Villain will be headed there for sure."

"How do you know that?" Dad asked.

"It's the Eiffel Tower," I said.

Dad shrugged. "Fair point."

Just as I predicted, the huge-ass, purple dragon came flying overhead. Guitar Villain was riding on top of it. To be honest, it was probably one of the most bad-ass things I've ever seen. Shame the guy was destroying Paris.

The purple dragon suddenly dipped towards us, covering us in its shadow. Guitar Villain held up his guitar, a wicked grin on his face.

"Time for a show!" he roared, performing an epic guitar solo. "AWESOME SOLO!" Orange beams were sent flying in every direction. More people started dancing uncontrollably.

"Look out!" I yelled. I grabbed Dad's arm, dragging him into the post office. A wave of fire from the dragon just missed us.

"Holy moley..." Dad breathed out, slumping against the window.

I peered out the window. I saw Chat Noir and Ladybug chasing after Guitar Villain and his dragon. My breathing hitched. That fire could've turned me into a kebab. That wasn't so badass.

 _He'll definitely be going after XY_ , I thought. _Hopefully Ladybug and Chat Noir can stop him…_

I hated to admit it, but a tiny part of me was actually hoping Guitar Villain would find and punish XY. The guy was an ass. He somewhat deserved it. Maybe saying that makes me no better than my dad, but for once, I don't care.

And then as is standard, everything suddenly went downhill.

CRASH! Glass shattered across my lap. A beam crashed through the window, missing me by centimeters. It instead landed in a pile of letters, sending them flying everywhere. I nearly jumped right out of my skin. I turned, gazing outside. Guitar Villain was glaring right at me. Well, not at me. My shirt.

"METALLICA?!" he boomed, with that horrid English accent. "HOW DARE YOU! I'M THE NUMBER ONE ROCKSTAR! AWESOME SOLOOOO!"

He aimed his guitar at me, ready to get me dancing like no one's business. Dad looked like he was about to throw himself in front of me again, but I was sick of that happening. I was sick of getting my parents tied up in my messes. I wasn't going to let it happen again.

"I know where XY is!" I blurted. "Not the Eiffel Tower!"

"What?!" Guitar Villain demanded. "Why wouldn't he be there? It's the Eiffel Tower!"

 _Good point_ , I thought, making a face.

"He changed his schedule," I told him. "He's, uh, he's at… he's at the Place des Vosges!"

"Seriously?" Guitar Villain asked, raising a brow.

"Yeah…" Dad added, standing up beside me. "That's what I heard too!"

"Uh, same here!" Ladybug suddenly called out. Chat Noir nodded in agreement.

"Fine then!" Guitar Villain did a bad-ass flip, landing on the dragon. "To the Place des Vosges, Fang!"

Fang the dragon took off into the sky, the superheroes chasing after them. XY was safe for the meantime.

"Quick thinking, John," Dad complimented, raising a brow at me. "When'd you get so smart?"

"I'm not smart," I replied. "Everyone else is just dumb."

Dad sighed. "Of course."

* * *

It was later in the evening. For once, the villain wasn't chasing after me. Lady Luck really was on my side.

Dad and I eventually trudged back to the apartment, once we were sure it was safe.

"Do you think XY is going to survive?" Dad asked.

"Ladybug and Chat Noir will protect him," I told him.

Dad shrugged. We looked out the window, the Eiffel Tower glowing in the distance. Fang was flying around it.

"Honestly, I suppose I do feel a little bad for that XY kid," Dad admitted. "Not even he deserves to get a super villain sent after him."

"I beg to differ," I admitted. "He's an ass."

" _John_ ," Dad looked at me.

"You were saying the same stuff." I argued.

"Touché," Dad laughed.

The electric guitar suddenly got really loud again, making me cling onto the curtains. So loud that I swore even Britain could hear it. Beams of guitar were flying through the air, like fireworks. The fight was going on rather strongly, it seemed. It was actually entertaining to watch when my life wasn't in danger. Then my phone buzzed.

_MK1150: Johnathan, are you seeing this battle right now?!_

_METALLICAGINGERBREAD: yeah, its crazy…_

_MK1150: I believe that Ladybug and Chat Noir will still win._

_METALLICAGINGERBREAD: of course they will. Theyre the good guys. They always win_

I leaned back, watching the fight a little longer. Weirdly enough, I was kind of in a good mood. Maybe because I wasn't directly involved for once. It was almost… too good. After all, not even my dad had been taken from me for once.

 _Maybe Jagged Stone's not as bad as I thought he is_ , I thought. _I suppose I'lll give him another chance._

And then of course, a beam came through the window, shocking my dad. He began head-banging uncontrollably.

I groaned. _I hate my life…_

"If you hate life so much, why not get back at it?"

I jumped, turning around. It was an eerily familiar voice.

But there was no one there, just me and my uncontrollable dancing father.


	14. Turns out, I'm the biggest noob ever

"How does that sound?"

I flinched, putting a hand over my hearing aid. " _Way_ too loud."

My audiologist nodded. "I see."

My audiologist was a pretty cool lady, I won't lie. Her name was Dr. Mirza. She had olive skin, and dark hair tied back into a neat ponytail. She always wore neat and pristine clothes, making me feel messy in comparison. Not like I was a fashion guru by any standards, but you get what I mean. She also wore a lot of jewellery, so I felt kind of poor as well.

She grabbed my hearing aid, readjusting it. She placed it back on my ear.

"How about now?" she asked.

It sounded better than before, but it still wasn't perfect. Something told me it wasn't going to get any better, though. Plus, we'd been there for way too long already. I had something I had to go to, and I couldn't stay in that doctor's office for much longer.

"It's fine," I told her.

Dr. Mirza made a face. "You're not lying to me, are you, John?"

I shook my head, innocently. "I wouldn't lie to you, Dr. Mirza."

Dr. Mirza sighed. "Well, if you insist… then you're done for today."

I stood up, stretching in relief. Ah, the fun of being half-deaf. You gotta love it. But of course, the fun was just beginning. Because I was leaving to go to none other than Collège Françoise Dupont.

…

I think I've mentioned this before, but I didn't really have a lot of friends. Of course, there was Alix, but we weren't super BFFs. So, shockingly enough, today I'm going to introduce you to one of my very few other friends: Max Kanté.

That name might be familiar to you, since Max and I met through playing Ultimate Mecha Strike III. He always bet me, but whenever we played on the same team, we always won. I'm not sure how we kept running into each other, but we became friendly fairly quickly. I learned a lot about Max. He was a smart guy, always inventing stuff. So alongside being an expert gamer, he was also a great inventor. Seriously, he invented this little sentient robot and everything. He was a cool guy.

I guess he also kind of looked like a nerd, what with his glasses, checkered suspenders, and high pants. He had dark skin, curly hair, and usually wore a green shirt. He was pretty short, too. I honestly don't know why my friends were all so short.

Since Max and I were pals, we'd met up in real life. Remember kids, don't meet up with strangers from the internet as quickly as we did. Luckily for me, Max wasn't an axe murderer, and we got on well in real life, maybe even better than we did while playing Ultimate Mecha Strike III. We pretty much talked about games for an hour. And then he told me he was trying out for some Ultimate Mecha Strike III tournament. He seemed really excited about it; screw it, I was happy for the guy. I wished him good luck too. He then asked if I wanted to come and see him try out. And you know what? I try to be a good friend sometimes, so I said sure thing.

So that's how I ended up at the library at Collège Françoise Dupont, watching Max playing Ultimate Mecha Strike III against Adrien. I was standing alongside Marinette (of course), Kim, Alya, and some other familiar faces.

And you'll never guess who won.

"Adrien wins!"

I raised my brow. The others watching me were also surprised. I have to admit, I didn't take Adrien for a gamer.

"Hmm," Max nodded. "Awesome job. We're gonna make a killer combo."

He and Adrien high-fived. Everyone cheered.

"So let me get this straight," Marinette mused. "If someone manages to beat Max's score, they'll team up with Adrien at the tournament?"

"No one can beat Max," Kim told her. "Or rather Max and Adrien. It's a slam dunk. They're our school's dream team!"

I had a bad feeling about what Marinette was going to do.

 _But would she even be able to beat Max?_ I thought. _Then again, Adrien of all people managed to take him down…_

"Well, I think we have our two champions lined up for the Paris tournament." said who I was assuming was the principal. Then he glared at me. "Wait, who are you? You're not a student here!"

Just as I was about to respond, Marinette popped out behind me.

"Wait!" she cried. "Uh, is it too late to try out?"

Everyone gasped.

"Well, the library is closing up in five minutes, but…" the principal shrugged.

Marinette sat down in front of the screen. Adrien handed her his joypad. She creepily rubbed it against her face.

"Is she serious?" Kim asked. "There's no way!"

"Unless the particular player has a particular motivation." Alya stated, grimly.

I was actually pretty worried for Max, so I walked over to Marinette.

"Hey, uh," I spoke, lowly. "Max _really_ wants to enter this thing. If you beat him… you'll be kind of ruining his dreams."

Marinette was too busy drooling over Adrien to seem to notice. I sighed, digging my hands in my pockets.

_I tried, Max…_

"The rules are elementary," Max told her. "You battle each other's robots with your own and-"

"Please... every time you win, you loot its items and gain XP, which upgrades your mech," Marinette rolled her eyes. "I'm not a noob, thank you very much."

 _So she does know her stuff_ , I thought, sighing. _Man… maybe I just suck at this game._

"Ah, sounds like you have a sufficient amount of knowledge," Max nodded. "Let's see if it's enough to beat me."

Spoiler alert: it was.

I mean, seriously, it wasn't even a match. It was pretty much Marinette absolutely destroying Max for five minutes straight. It was actually hard to watch.

"Whoo!" Marinette danced around. "Yeah! Whoo hoo! I win! Uh-huh!"

"The king's been knocked off his throne!" some girl named Rose called.

Max bowed his head, placing down his controller. "I accept this defeat. I relinquish my position at the tournament. Congratulations, Marinette. And Adrien."

Max glumly walked away.

"Max, wait!" Adrien called.

"Look. I'm fine, I lost fair and square," Max huffed. "But if you don't mind, I'd like a little solitude."

He stormed out of the library, steps quickening. I sighed, shaking my head.

 _This sucks_ , I thought. _Oh well, not much I can do for-_

"Who _are_ you?!" the principal demanded, staring at me. I gulped.

"Uh, no one," I replied, quickly. "Gotta go!"

…

"Max! Hey, slow down!"

Why did all my friends have to run so fast? Or maybe I was just unfit. I don't even know. Point is, Max didn't slow down as I chased him down the streets of Paris. Seriously, that guy had short legs, but he could move fast as lightning.

"This is a travesty," he muttered. "An unequivocal travesty!"

"Hey," I said, grabbing his shoulder. "Dude, it's okay."

"Leave me in solitude, Johnathan," Max said, shoving me off. "I want to brood alone."

Usually I would respect his wishes, but I had a bad feeling about the whole thing. As usual, of course.

"What Marinette did was really unfair to you," I told him. "It's a real punch in the gut, but… there's always next time, you know. There'll be other things you can enter."

"But I've been training so hard!" Max shouted, glaring up at me. "Hours and hours of practice, wasted! I've been biding my time for this day!"

"I know, I know, Max," I tried to sound… soothing? I coughed awkwardly. "Hey, um, look. You can come to my house, and we'll play there. And then you can beat me as many times as you want. I always lose to you anyway."

"I don't desire your pitiful gameplay," Max shook his head. "Please, just leave me in solitude, Johnathan."

I frowned, lowering my hand. "Alright. Fine."

I mooched away, head hanging low. Guilt brewed in my stomach. Max was a good friend. I knew how badly he wanted to be in the tournament. But there wasn't much I could do to make him feel better.

 _Maybe I just suck at cheering people up_ , I thought, sighing.

I went for a broody walk of my own, and arrived at the Place des Vosges. It was a lovely day outside, birds singing, sun in the sky, infernal screaming children running around. Of course, even the weather couldn't distract me from self-pity.

 _Maybe everything's my fault_ , I thought, slumping on a park bench. _Because I haven't revealed their identities… or maybe because I'm just as selfish as Marinette._

"Hey, John!"

I almost jumped out of my skin. Standing nearby were none other than Adrien and Marinette, holding snacks.

"Uh, hi," I stood up.

"Oh, don't mind us," Adrien chuckled. "We're just having a snack break."

Marinette nodded, giving Adrien the goo-goo eyes. Of course, that made me think of Max again. I dug my clenched fists into my pockets.

"I have to go," I said, abruptly walking away. That left Adrien and Marinette to steal my spot on the park bench. I gazed at the carousel in the distance, returning to my self pity.

_I'm never good enough…_

"WATCH OUT!"

Then all of the sudden, people were running and screaming. I gazed up at the sky. A huge, black strangely familiar triangle with two, robotic legs was walking around, towering above the city. A green circle was in its center, shooting out beams of green energy. The green beams landed on people, turning them into green energy. The green energy returned to the triangle.

 _Great_ , I thought, looking for somewhere to hide.

"It's Max!" I heard Marinette shout behind me.

 _You can figure out that's Max but you can't figure out your crush is fucking Chat Noir!?_ I thought, wanting to pull my hair out.

Marinette and Adrien ran off, and I slipped into a bush. The triangle scanned the area, turning more people into energy.

 _That thing's gonna find me_ , I thought. _Dammit. Need to find somewhere better to hide._

I tried to sneak out of the bush when it's… back? Was turned. I raced through the park, sticking close to the fence outlining the park. The familiar triangle was showing no signs of slowing down.

 _It looks like MX-01 from Ultimate Mecha Strike III_ , I thought. _Probably acts one too. Which means it's gonna keep killing people to level up. What level is it at now? Once it reaches level four, there's no going back…_

My heart was thumping. I put a hand over my chest, clenching my jacket in a weak fist. I slipped through a gap in the fence, slamming against a building right next door.

_Come on, heroes, quit taking your time…_

Chat Noir appeared, using his staff to grab onto one of the MX-01's legs. I heard some curses coming from the triangle. Ladybug also showed up, helping him drag the thing down. It landed with a crash on its side.

I breathed out, slumping against the wall. _What a relief…_

And then the MX-01 developed a set of arms, bringing itself back into the air. It was starting to look like a decepticon.

" _Level three!_ " cackled Max's ever-so familiar voice from the MX-01. " _The Gamer triumphs above you puny noobs!"_

I groaned from the absolute cringe of that sentiment. _Great_. _Of course that happened._

I decided to focus on getting out of there, despite how well that usually went. But guilt was dragging me down. I banged my head against the wall.

 _Ugh, it's not your fault_ , I told myself. _This is all Marinette's fault._ I shook my head. _No, it's the one who's sending the akumas out… it's their fault._

I made a face. _Whoever is sending these akumas out is going to want to know the true identities of Ladybug and Chat Noir… that means, if they knew about me, they'd come after me… and then it really would be my fault._ I whimpered. _I'd never have privacy again._

I watched the Gamer (I can't believe how uncreative these names are) chase Ladybug and Chat Noir down the street. At least he wasn't coming after me.

 _Maybe I feel bad, because the one sending out these akumas is getting the whole city involved in their mess_ , I thought. And trust me, there's nothing I hate more than dragging people into my problems.

 _Or maybe it's just because no one else can figure out Ladybug and Marinette have the same hairstyle and voice_ , I thought. _Or maybe the supervillain is too stupid to try and change up their plans._

I felt the ground shake, but no screaming. Everyone was gone. Gamer was coming back in my direction, Chat Noir and Ladybug hot on his trail. He turned around, blasting them with bright green energy beams.

 _Max…_ I thought, narrowing my eyes.

" _Ah ha!_ " I heard his voice booming from the MX-01. The green light was aimed at me. " _One more to level up, Jonathan. And of course it's none other than you!_ "

"Max, come on," I grumbled, waving my hands around. "Now you're acting no better than Marinette! You're just being a sore loser!"

" _You can't accuse me of anything, Johnathan!_ " he shouted. " _Marinette took victory from me! My vengeance is justified! JUSTIFIED!_ "

"You being upset with Marinette is justified," I argued. "But taking it out on the entirety of Paris is not."

" _Oh, bother someone else with your useless pity!_ " Gamer roared, aiming a beam at me.

"He's right, you know," Chat Noir spoke up, dragging me out of the way. "You're being a pretty sore loser. That's not an epic gamer move."

" _GAH!_ " Gamer growled, firing beams at us again.

"Maybe you should go to the stadium," I told Chat Noir. "After all, that's where the big event is happening."

He nodded in agreement, clapping my shoulder. "Good idea, my guy."

 _I'm not your guy_ , I thought, glaring at him.

"Bugaboo, come on!" Chat Noir yelled at Ladybug. "I know where we need to go!"

…

And so that's how I ended up seated at the stadium, watching an IRL match of Ultimate Mecha Strike III. This is one of the few times I intentionally wanted to be around some dangerous villain fight, only because of how badass it was.

Gamer had his MX-01 of course, and Chat Noir and Ladybug had theirs, an LB-03 with some cat attire. They were clashing together in the sky, attacks looking even more badass in real life than they did in the game. I had to admit, it was a good watch.

 _For once, I do want to be involved in this_ , I thought. _Man, I'd die to pilot a mech. It'd be so worth it._

I guess fate took my wish a little too literally since a beam came soaring right towards my seat. I lunged out of the way, banging my head on a different seat.

 _Nevermind_ , I thought. _I think I'd rather live._

Suddenly, the LB-03 came over to me. It had crashed into the seats below me, sending bits and pieces flying everywhere.

Ladybug emerged from the cockpit, coughly awkwardly. "Hey, John… uh, wanna pilot a mech for a bit?"

"Oh God yes," I grinned.

I had never fan-boyed so hard in my life. I was sitting in a cockpit of LB-03, a bunch of controls in front of me. They were the same ones from the game. I had to keep myself from squealing. Seriously.

"Okay, you know how to drive, right?" Ladybug asked.

"Yes," I nodded eagerly.

"Then go for it!" Ladybug told me. "And don't worry, we'll keep you safe." She nodded at Chat Noir. "Ready when he is!"

I grabbed the controls, starting up LB-03. My heart jumped in my throat, the engine pulsing beneath my fingers.

 _Holy shit_ , I thought. _I can't believe I'm actually driving a mech, this is the best day of my-_

" _Oh, it's Johnathan Couture, that noob_ ," the Gamer chuckled from his MX-01. " _Let's end this thing quickly._ "

"Quit calling me that," I said, driving the mech towards him. "Chat Noir, activate the shield!"

Chat Noir nodded, pressing a button. A shield appeared in front of us, defending us from the Gamer's swinging arms.

" _You're the worst player I've ever encountered, Johnathan_ ," Gamer tch-ed. " _Do you honestly think you can defeat me? Inconceivable!_ "

As he said that, he knocked us back. I almost choked.

 _Damn, he's right,_ I thought, shaking my head. _I am a freaking noob…_

"He doesn't have to defeat you," Ladybug called, appearing out of nowhere. "He just has to distract you!"

She raced towards him, covering his MX-01's green eye with spray paint.

"I can't see!" Gamer cursed, popping his head out of his MX-01.

"Gotcha!" Ladybug nicked his glasses, destroying them under her foot. "Miraculous Ladybug!"

The mech I was in vanished right in front of my eyes. I fell to my knees, mourning the loss of my beloved child.

_Life's not worth it anymore…_

Ladybug and Chat Noir high-fived. Max was on the ground, shaking his head in confusion.

"Hey, uh…" I walked over to him.

"Johnathan?" he asked. "What's happening?"

"Nothing much," I sighed, helping him up. "But I think someone needs to reconsider who they'll be entering the tournament with…"

I glanced at Ladybug for a second, before turning away. Safe to say, I wasn't surprised when Max and Marinette entered the tournament together and won.


	15. Ugh, what's that smell?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Holy Underworld I nearly forgot about this chapter 0_0 I was supposed to post this earlier but I forgot XD My bad y'all

There's not much more distracting than a dog barking at you in public. Especially if it's your dog that you're taking for a walk… in public.

Piss tugged on the leash, slobber pouring out of his mouth as we walked around the streets of Paris. Yep, it was just as gross as it sounds. Don't worry, I still loved him, even if he was giving me kind of a workout.

To try and think about something other than dog slobber, I glanced at my phone, reading the news. Some guy named Prince Ali or whatever was coming to Paris to hold a fundraiser at the childrens' hospital. Good for him, but all I thought of when I saw his name was the movie Aladdin, so…

"You wanna go to the park, boy?" I asked Piss.

He barked at me.

"Well, as long as I don't have to clean up your crap," I sighed. "Come on."

* * *

I guess I was in a walking mood since I decided to take the long route to the park. That involved going past Collège Françoise Dupont. And of course, there was some kind of drama going on there. I mean, come on man. And of course it just _had_ to happen just while I was walking past. I love my life.

I saw Marinette and Alya spying on Adrien and Nino, as usual. Piss sniffed the air, like he knew something stupid was about to go down. Then Alya pushed Marinette over to Adrien. So she walked over to him, until she ever so conveniently tripped over, landing on Adrien like some kind of anime. Her purse opened up, and that weird Funko Pop ladybug plush thing from that one time fell out. It rolled across the path, getting pretty far from Marinette. Marinette didn't even notice.

I had no idea what that damn thing was, but I guessed it had something to do with Marinette's alter ego.

"Whoa!" Adrien exclaimed, helping Marinette up. "You okay? Nothing broken?"

"Uh, yeah, uh, I'm fine!" Marinette stuttered. She still hadn't noticed her little Funko Pop figure thing was gone.

I got closer to the itty-bitty Funko Pop creature. It went completely still as I approached it, like it was pretending to be a plush. Piss went over and sniffed it. He began barking at it, covering the poor thing in slobber.

"Pipe down," I told him.

And then guess who also showed up.

"Sabrina, what's Prince Ali doing today again?" Chloé asked her ginger friend.

"A toy drive at the Children's Hospital." Sabrina answered.

Chloé's eyes then went to the Pop Funko creature.

"Hm, what kind of stuffed animal is that?" she asked, walking over.

 _Oh no you don't_ , I thought.

"It's mine," I said, quickly kneeling down and grabbing it. I stuffed the creature in my hoodie pocket. I swear I heard the thing sneeze. Was it sick or something?

Chloé snorted. "Of course a loser like you would own a plush toy." She cringed at Piss. "Is that your dog, by the way? Ugh, he's gross."

I did the smart thing and ignored her, walking away. (Trust me, I'm not much of a fighter but I would've thrown hands with her any day.) Piss jumped up, trying to sniff the little creature in my pocket.

"Stop that," I told him. "You're gonna knock me over."

I saw Marinette, frantically scouring the ground. I breathed out.

"Hey, uh," I spoke up, getting her attention. "Is this yours?"

I grabbed the little creature, holding it out.

"Oh, John, you're a lifesaver!" Marinette cried, quickly taking the creature and putting it inside her purse. "Thank you so much!"

"Yeah, uh, no problem," I said, shuffling awkwardly.

 _Take better care of your stuff, for Heaven's sake,_ I thought, turning away. I dragged Piss with me so he wouldn't jump up to smell the creature again.

"Uh, hey, John…" Marinette reached out.

"Yeah?" I asked, gazing over my shoulder.

"Um…" Marinette looked away. "Do you know…?"

"Know what?" I asked. Did she finally figure it out?

Marinette opened her mouth, but shook her head. "Nevermind. It's fine. I've... gotta go!"

She raced off, leaving me somewhat dumbfounded. I shook my head, walking off. I saw Chloé talking to a blonde girl who I think was one of her classmates. I found out later her name was Rose.

"Prince Ali's staying at Chloé's dad's hotel." Sabrina bragged.

"The only hotel fit for a Prince, and I'm going to be the first to meet him," Chloé bragged. "Isn't he lucky?"

"Oh, please, could you give him a special letter for me?" Rose asked, holding out a pink, overly-romantic letter.

"No prob," Chloé said, taking the letter.

"Oh, that is so amazingly sweet of you to do that for me!" Rose exclaimed, a grin spreading across her face.

Chloé laughed. "You thought I was serious? You think I wanna get anywhere near this fish funk?" Right in front of Rose's eyes, she tore up the letter. I couldn't help but flinch. I'm not sure how Chloé was even allowed to exist honestly.

Rose gasped, then began to sob. She fell to her knees, crying her heart out. Chloé and her bothersome friend got in their stupid limo and drove away, laughing. I sighed, staring at the girl. She got up and ran away. I didn't want to bother with chasing after her, so I just went home.

* * *

" _Hey, Marinette?"_

" _What is it, Tikki?" Marinette opened her purse, revealing the little ladybug creature. It opened its wide eyes, hovering beside Marinette's head. They were inside what I guessed was Marinette's room, judging by the pink bed and expansive desk. Marinette was sitting at said desk, a pile of homework in front of her._

" _Do you think there's something weird about that John guy?" Tikki asked Marinette. "He's always around whenever there's a villain attacking."_

" _To be honest… yeah," Marinette agreed. "I mean, he seems like a nice guy, but it is weird that he's always around during villain attacks… and plus, I think he knows more about me than what he lets on."_

" _Do you think he could know about your secret identity?" Tikki asked._

" _No way," Marinette shook her head. "He seems like an honest guy. I think he would've confronted me about it if he did."_

" _Well, I guess he has been helpful," Tikki said. "If it weren't for him, Chloé would've kidnapped me."_

" _That's true…" Marinette agreed. "We were lucky we got you to that healer in time."_

_Tikki then shivered._

" _What's wrong?" Marinette creased her brow. "You're not sick again, right?"_

" _No…" Tikki trembled. "It's just… do you ever get the feeling you're being watched?"_

"JOHNNY!"

I nearly fell right out of bed. My sisters had invaded my room, Piss running around and barking. Most importantly, they'd interrupted my nap.

"Holy shit biscuits," I growled. "Never do that again, you twats."

"Johnnyyyyyyyyy!" they cheered, jumping on my bed. "Prince Ali is in town!"

"Yeah, I know," I grunted, getting up.

"He's at Le Grand Paris!" they whined. "Take us to see him!"

"Oh come on, I can't just walk into Le Grand Paris," I groaned. "Not without a ridiculously expensive reservation, anyway. Plus, I just can't be bothered. I'm tired."

"But Johnny, you're always doing dangerous stuff," Mardi whined.

"Yeah, Johnny," Lucetta sneered. "What are you, a coward?"

"Absolutely," I grunted. "Get your mom to take you."

"We already asked, and she said no!" Mardi whined. "So you have to take us instead!"

"I don't have to do shit," I replied, climbing back into bed.

"Please, Johnny!" Mardi pleaded, tears crawling down her cheeks.

"We'll do you a favour," Lucetta chimed in. "If you take us to see Prince Ali, we'll leave you alone for two weeks!"

"Make it a month, and I _might_ consider it," I replied.

"Fine, a month," Lucetta said, crossing her arms.

I rolled over. "Do you promise?"

"Yes!" they both chirped.

"Cross your heart and swear to die?" I asked.

"YES!" they both shouted.

"Nope," I said, going back to bed.

"JOHNNY!" they both cried.

"You can wait until he goes to that hospital event thingy later," I waved it off.

"But we wanna see him now!" Mardi cried. "This is a really special time! There's going to be fireworks and everything! It's to die for!"

"We'll make it _two_ months, and Mardi will give you her desserts for a week," Lucetta told me.

"I will not!" Mardi grumbled.

"Alright, the desserts sold it for me," I sighed, sitting up. "But you have to promise, yeah?"

The girls nodded, jumping up and down.

"Okay," I stood up. "Let's go."

* * *

I couldn't believe I caved in for dessert of all things, but there I was, at Le Grand Paris with the demon twins running around. I sighed. It was a rather pretty night, with all the outside lights and whatnot, but that wasn't the main focus.

"Let's go inside!" the twins jeered, racing inside the glamorous building.

"No," I snapped. "The doorman will cut your throats."

But to my surprise, the doorman was nowhere in sight. The entire thing was empty, matter of fact. It was honestly kind of creepy.

The twins frowned, gazing at the empty stairs. "Where is everyone?"

Just as they said that, a ton of people came out of nowhere: The Prince himself, Chloé, Gabriel Agreste's assistant Nathalie, and Chat Noir. They completely ignored us, racing outside.

"There he is!" the twins cried, chasing after them.

Too late. Prince Ali got into a car with the other three, and they sped off into the distance. The twins and I headed outside, watching the car drive off.

"MY PRINCE!" a voice screeched. Bile rose in my stomach. What was that smell? I saw a girl dressed as some kind of edgy princess using a perfume gun of all things fly out of the window, chasing after the car. From a glance I could tell she was an akumatized villain, and a very smelly one at that.

"John!" the twins exclaimed. "We've gotta go after them!"

"Are you two crazy?" I demanded. "They're going way too fast!"

"Oh no!" I heard a voice behind us. "I missed them!"

We turned, seeing Ladybug holding a mop. She had sweat on her brow, shaking her head.

"Ladybug!" the twins gasped.

"John!" Ladybug turned to me, gasping. "What are you doing here?"

"Please don't ask," I groaned.

Ladybug made a face. "I've gotta go after that car. You all should get to safety!"

"But we wanna see Prince Ali!" the twins whined.

"Told you this was a dumb idea," I grumbled.

Ladybug hmmed, tapping her chin. "Hey… maybe you guys can help me with something. That way, you can see Prince Ali."

I sighed, the twins making puppy-dog eyes at me. "Lay it on me."

* * *

"WHEEEEEEEE!"

"Can you two can it?!" I snapped, glaring at the demon twins over my shoulder. I couldn't believe I was riding a scooter of all things, with the demon twins there to 'keep me company'. Honestly, the night was torture enough _without_ an akumatized villain. Long story short, the akumatized villain Princess Fragrance had people under her stinking spell. (Ha ha, get it?) My job was to keep an eye on Princess Fragrance, to make sure she didn't kidnap Prince Ali and forcibly make him marry her.

We arrived at the Pont des Arts. A crude wedding thing had been set up on the docks. Nathalie, André, Chat Noir, Chloé and of course the Prince himself were there. Princess Fragrance had everyone under her spell, judging by the way their eyes were glazed over. She walked towards Prince Ali, almost foaming at the mouth.

You might be thinking, _wait, she's about to marry him! John, you failed at your job!_ And you're absolutely right. I did completely fail. But in a weird way, it actually worked in my favour.

"This will lock our love forever, my prince!" Princess Fragrance said, holding out a very smelly padlock.

"At your service, Princess Fragrance~" Prince Ali sang.

And then a yo-yo appeared, knocking the padlock into the Seine river.

"My padlock!" Princess Fragrance gasped.

"Not so fast, my royal pains in the neck!" Ladybug declared, standing on a lamppost.

"Servants, attack!" Princess Fragrance screamed. "And take her earrings!"

Ladybug began fighting the guys from before. Since she was distracted, Princess Fragrance grabbed Prince Ali, preparing to lead him away. And that is where I came in.

As Princess Fragrance dragged Prince Ali off into the sky, (yes, really) I chased after them on the scooter. My step-sisters watched in wonder, trying to wave at Prince Ali. Princess Fragrance led us back to Le Grand Paris, right onto the roof.

I sighed, speaking into my phone like some kind of secret agent. "She's on the roof of Le Grand Paris."

Ladybug's voice chirped back. " _Okay! Keep following her!_ "

One boring running scene later, I reached the roof of Le Grand Paris, the demon twins still following me. Kids really do have endless energy. Meanwhile, I was about to collapse into a pool of sweat.

"Stay low," I told my step-sisters, crawling around.

"Who needs a padlock to secure our love when I can put everyone under my spell and make Paris our kingdom!" Princess Fragrance boomed. She pointed her gun at the sky, spraying it with that disgusting smelly mist.

" _John, hide!_ " Ladybug's voice came through the phone.

Well, that's what I do best. So I hid behind a wall, my step-sisters still behind me. Beautiful fireworks filled the sky, clearing out the perfume. I'll admit, it was giving us a pretty nice show as well.

"This city is not for us," Princess Fragrance hissed. "Too many people want to bother us. Let's go far away from here, my prince! Very far!"

"Leaving so soon?" Ladybug asked, appearing out of nowhere. "But the party just got started!"

"You!" Princess Fragrance screamed. "You are ruining everything! So now I'll ruin you!"

"No way!" my step-sisters shouted. "Stay away from Prince Ali!"

"Hey!" I cried, but of course, they didn't listen. They ran straight towards Prince Fragrance before I could stop them.

"More pests?!" Princess Fragrance screamed, aiming her gun at the demon twins. "I'll destroy you as well!"

"YAH!"

A make-shift balloon came out of nowhere, landing in Princess Fragrance's perfume gun. The balloon filled up with the disgusting perfume. A yo-yo swang around the gun, bringing it down to the ground. Marinette stepped it on, destroying the gun. A butterfly flew out.

"Time to de-evilize!" she shouted. "Miraculous Ladybug!"

The akuma returned to its normal form, and so did everything else. I fell to my knees, gulping in breaths of air. Thank the gods most of the bad smells had gone.

"Prince Ali!" my step-siblings cried, racing over to Prince Ali.

"How did I get here?" Prince Ali asked, shaking his head.

"Prince Ali?" Rose asked, back to herself. She and my step-sisters drooled over Prince Ali (pretty cringe, trust me), while I tried to deal with my headache.

"Thanks for the help, John," Ladybug told me, helping me stand up. "You were great!"

I gave her a thumbs up. The desserts were going to be worth it.


	16. Her, of all people?

You know, in reality, I'm not an angry guy. Sure, there are things that irk me. You've been here for the last few chapters, you've seen it all. And of course, there are a few things that can get me from 'chilled-out bro' to 'I'll snap your head off' instantly. But that's not common. Most of the time, I can deal with my own rage. Sometimes, I even put it aside so I can help people.

A great example of this was when I helped Chloé Bourgeois with a problem.

You're probably like, _John, you helped Chloé? Why her of all people?_

Well, it's a long story, my friend. Luckily, I've got the means to tell it to you.

So, like many things, it started with me walking around Paris, minding my own business. I was taking my dog Piss for a good old walk. Nice and peaceful, right?

But of course, you'll never guess who appeared out of nowhere.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" Chloé screamed, running down the street, flapping her arms around. Her purse was floating in the air, zooming after her, like a ghost was holding it.

"Uhh…?" I made a face. Then, of course, Chloé slammed right into me, falling on her butt.

"Ugh!" she screamed, backing away from me. "Oh no, not you!"

 _I could say the same about you_ , I thought, groaning.

"What's gotten into you?" I asked, staring down at her. Piss barked at Chloé, or rather, the ghost holding her purse. The purse floated higher into the air.

"Look, Jaune, you have to believe me!" Chloé cried, covering her face. "I'm being haunted!"

" _John_ ," I corrected. "And what do you mean by 'haunted'?"

Chloé's purse began slamming into her, trying to knock her over. Piss continued to bark at it.

"Oh, yeah, you're being haunted, alright," I said.

"Help me!" Chloé shrieked, grabbing my arm. "Make it stop!"

I reached out for the purse. It suddenly dropped on the ground. Piss kept barking, though.

"No!" Chloé sank to her knees. "My baby!" She shrugged it off. "Eh, whatever, I can get a new one later."

"You have any idea what's haunting you?" I asked.

"What do you think, idiot?" Chloé snapped. She gasped, eyes lighting up. "Wait... _you_ can see what's haunting me!" She grabbed my arm AGAIN. "Which means… you can help me!"

"I'd rather do literally anything else," I retorted.

"You're still in my trouble with my dad!" Chloé argued. "Do you want to go to jail for real?"

I sighed. It was another one of those days; I really had no choice. "Fine. I'll help."

* * *

"Ladybug! I knew you'd come to save me!"

Chloé raced over to Ladybug, throwing her arms around her neck. Yup, she and Chat Noir there to 'help' as well. Ladybug cringed, leaning her head away. We were inside the lobby of Le Grand Paris, which was lavish and expensive as always. André Bourgeois was there of course, standing nearby by a lavish purple couch. Piss wasn't there; no way in hell would they let him in that fancy hotel. Good for him, he deserved better.

"I have to put out an emergency call to all the biggest designers," André said, shaking his head. "Can you imagine? My daughter wearing department-store clothing? How humiliating."

I tried _real_ hard not to roll my eyes.

Ladybug sighed, switching on the security cameras, showing some video footage of the hotel.

"Have you had any run-ins with anyone lately?" she asked Chloé.

"I never have run-ins with anyone," Chloé replied, fluttering her eyelashes. "Everybody absolutely loves me."

Ladybug leaned down, picking up a picture of Chloé and Sabrina on the ground.

"Really?" she asked. "Not even with your closest friend?"

"Ah, Sabrina?" Chloé giggled. "Impossible. She adores me, I'm her idol!"

"Then where is she?" I asked. "Aren't you two always together?"

"I don't know," Chloé scoffed. "I haven't seen her at school, since, like, yesterday. She's probably sick or something."

 _Wow, so much compassion towards your best friend_ , I thought, rolling my eyes. _She's so lucky to have such a caring friend._

"Your daughter's safe here with the doors and windows locked," Ladybug told the mayor. "This enemy may be invisible, but it can't go through walls."

"I'm sure you'll make my life perfect again!" Chloé drooled, crushing Ladybug in yet another hug. "Just like it was before!"

Ladybug moved away. She grabbed Chat Noir's arm, and Chat Noir grabbed my arm, so it was like the world's lamest conga line. Ladybug led us into the elevator.

"Is something up?" Chat Noir asked. "You seem…"

"She's hiding something," Ladybug said, grimly.

* * *

Of course, the time I had to go to the loo was when I missed an entire slab of exposition. Look, I was busting, okay? And the bathrooms there were bigger than my entire house. I'd never been so entranced by a toilet before. I could've been there for hours.

Bathroom aside, I walked back into the lobby of Le Grand Paris. Ladybug and Chat Noir had that 'hero look' on their face, meaning they had just learned some crucial information. Some crucial information that I had completely missed because shiny toilet time.

"So we'll just have to wait for her to find us," Ladybug said, placing a rose into a vase. "And we do have an advantage, she doesn't know we're onto her."

She and Chat Noir walked off. Then the rose she had placed down was floating in the air.

"And now I do, Ladybug." a voice said. Her face lit up with a butterfly symbol; it was none other than Sabrina Raincomprix, Chloé's best friend. What a shocking turn of events (not).

 _I didn't expect the akumatized villain to show up so early…_ I thought, making a face.

"What the Hell," I said, walking over to her.

Sabrina gasped, dropping the flower. Her face vanished.

"I know you're still there," I said, crossing my arms. "What's going on here?"

Sabrina muttered a curse under her breath.

"Well, Sabrina?" I asked, almost like an impatient parent.

"It's not _Sabrina_ ," she hissed. "It's Vanisher."

"Dumb name aside, why are you doing this?" I asked.

Vanisher was probably scowling. "Because of Chloé. She said she never wanted to see me again. She said I'm invisible to her."

"Unsurprising," I shrugged. "Chloé's not the nicest person, you know. Maybe you should find some better friends."

"Not before I have my revenge!" Vanisher spat. "Now, get out of my way!"

An invisible force shoved me onto my butt. Chat Noir and Ladybug appeared on either side. They began fighting - well, trying to fight - with Vanisher; vases and flowers were thrown everywhere. Ladybug covered her earrings; like everyone else, Vanisher was targeting their Miraculouses.

"Lucky charm!" Ladybug yelled. The lucky charm gave her a glitter container. Finally, something useful, right?

And then something not so useful appeared.

"Looking for me, Sabrina?" Chloé called from on top of the staircase, dressed in her Ladybug costume. "I'm right here, come on!"

"Oh no, seriously?" Ladybug groaned. She turned to Chloé. "You need to leave!"

"If you stop this ridiculousness right now, I might let you be my BFF again." Chloé scoffed, glaring down at wherever Vanisher was.

"You've got no friends left, Chloé," Vanisher yelled. "And you'll never have any, EVER again. I'll make sure of that."

Ladybug and Chat Noir protected Chloé from Vanisher chucking a ton of books at her. Ladybug dragged Chloé off to the side to chew her out. As for me, I was wondering where the exit was. Usual John stuff.

Back to the fight, Ladybug had doused Vanisher in glitter, making an outline of her. It was kind of creepy, but technically speaking, Vanisher was the only akumatized villain whose appearance had not changed whatsoever. Aside from being invisible, of course.

"Just because you can see me, doesn't mean you'll defeat me, Ladybug!" Vanisher yelled.

Chat Noir began fighting with Vanisher. While that happened, Ladybug made Chloé stay behind a pillar. She really couldn't get enough of chastising Chloé.

"Hey!" Chloé protested. "This concerns me too, you know!"

"We just have to destroy her bag and capture the akuma." Ladybug told Chat Noir.

"Wait, Ladybug! I don't think that's where the akuma is!" Chloé yelled, swinging her false yo-yo around. Of course, it landed uselessly on Vanisher's head.

"So, you wanna fight after all, Chloé?" Vanisher taunted.

Chat Noir restrained Vanisher again. As for Ladybug, she wrapped her yo-yo around Chloé, and chucked her inside the elevator.

"But wait!" Chloé shouted, looking up from the ground. "The akuma has to be in the designer pin I bought her. She's wearing it on her sweater." She shook her head. "Such an unfortunate ugly sweater. It was a gift from me."

"I won't tell you again Chloé, so listen up," Ladybug crossed her arms. "You need to leave! You're putting yourself in great danger and us too. Got it?"

"Wait for me!" I called out. I slipped inside the elevator just before it closed. I was taking my chance to get out of there, thank you very much. The elevator closed, leaving me stuck with Chloé. That was the downside of my great escape. On the other hand, Ladybug was being way too grumpy, even for me.

"Great, you again," Chloé grumbled, pushing herself up.

"That was… weird of Ladybug," I crossed my arms. "She's usually very peppy."

"Hmph," Chloé snorted. "Yeah, whatever." She made a face at me. "You know, Jaune, if you update your wardrobe a bit and wear some face-cream, I _might_ consider making you my new best friend."

I almost laughed out of sheer rage. "Like I'd be friends with anyone who can't even remember my fucking name."

A short elevator ride later, we made it to Chloé's fancy room. And of course, I was still jealous of how it was bigger than my dad's whole apartment. Right ahead of us was a screen, showing us the Vanisher's battle with the superheroes in real time. Chloé seemed too entranced by the TV to chew me out.

" _Your days are over, akuma!_ " Ladybug ripped Vanisher's purse apart, but nothing happened. " _Huh?_ "

She noticed the broch on Vanisher's sweater. She pinned Vanisher to the wall; her broch fell off. Ladybug stepped on it, and wouldn't you believe it, an akuma flew out.

"I knew it!" Chloé cheered. "So, who was right then, huh?"

It was the biggest plot twist of the century. Chloé was right for once?

Well, after Ladybug got rid of the akuma, and Sabrina was back to herself, it seemed like everything had gone back to normal… right?

" _Why didn't you listen to Chloé?_ " Chat Noir asked Ladybug. " _She was only trying to help._ "

" _First, because that girl put us in danger_ ," Ladybug retorted. " _And second, she completely lied to us earlier. I was not gonna listen to a liar._ "

"You're calling me a liar?!" Chloé shrieked. "How dare you?! I was your biggest fan, but not anymore! You don't deserve my devotion! Ugh!"

She chucked the remote on the ground. It switched to the news, which was showing a bunch of people drooling over Ladybug.

"Chloé…" I said. I didn't even know who to feel bad for anymore. I was sort of angry at Ladybug, and I was kind of annoyed at Chloé, but at the same time, Ladybug had done her dirty. Of course she was mad.

"I'm through with you, Ladybug!" Chloé shouted, collapsing to her knees.

"So, uh," I coughed. "About that new friend offer…"

"Shut up, Jaune!" Chloé shouted at me. "You useless idiot!"

"It's _John_ ," I snapped. "And I'm just trying to help you."

"Who cares?" Chloé yelled back, tears in her eyes. "You're just some nobody, anyway!"

My eyes burned. I dug my hands in my pockets. Chloé wasn't even looking at me.

"You're right," I said. "I am a nobody."

I walked away, head bowed. Usually I didn't let insults get to me, but… I couldn't help but feel Chloé was right. My nails dug into my palms.

 _I am a nobody_ , I thought, uselessly. _I can't even help a single person. What do I do most of the time, anyway? Just run away? I know everything, but I can't do anything. I never get what I want… because I can't. I don't deserve it._

As I was about to leave the room, I saw an akuma fly in. And it was flying towards _me_.

 _Oh, shit_ , I thought, shaking my head. _Dammit, I let it get to me!_

I breathed in. _Happy thoughts, John… uh, gingerbread, knitting, Ultimate Mecha Strike III, come on…_

I calmed myself down enough that the akuma left me alone. I breathed out in relief. Until I remembered Chloé.

"Chloé!" I shouted.

But it was too late. The akuma infected her earrings, covering her in a dark energy. When she emerged, she looked just like Ladybug, but with inverted colours, and a nasty sneer on her face.

"You can count on me, Hawk Moth!" she yelled. "There will only be one heroine in Paris… me! Antibug!"

"Chloé, oh no…" I reached out.

"Just watch and see, Jaune!" Antibug taunted. "I'm about to show Paris who's the real heroine!"

She raced over to me, wrapping her arm around my waist. She pulled an inverted-colours version of Ladybug's yo-yo, and sent us flying out the window.

"CAN YOU NOT!?" I whined, but she didn't listen. She unceremoniously dumped me in front of the entrance to Le Grand Paris, where there were reporters everywhere. Of course, they all swarmed me like flies, because who needs personal space, right?

Of course, Ladybug and Chat Noir were there too. They gazed at me, then at Antibug, who was standing on the front verandah of Le Grand Paris.

"Ha ha ha ha!" Antibug cackled. "If it weren't for me, you wouldn't have defeated Vanisher. And now, I'm going to defeat you!"

"Chloé?" Ladybug and Chat Noir asked.

 _Oh come on_ , I thought. _You can tell that's Chloé but you can't recognise the real Ladybug?!_

"Wrong, super wrong," Antibug jumped down. "I am Antibug!"

Ladybug whispered something to Chat Noir. He nodded in understanding. Then, Ladybug ran off.

"Look at that," Antibug taunted, holding out her yo-yo. "She's nothing without Chat Noir."

"We'll see each other again soon, trust me!" Ladybug promised, running through the streets.

"Looks like it's just you and me now, Antibug." Chat Noir held out his staff.

"I love a good catfight!" Antibug yelled. She and Chat Noir began, well, a cat fight. And I had to wonder from my stupid ass on the floor where Ladybug had snuck off to. I also had to wonder why it was so easy for Ladybug to leave and not me.

The fight between Chat Noir and Antibug wasn't going well in Chat Noir's favour. Antibug knocked Chat Noir's staff out of his hand, and wrapped her string around him.

 _Dammit_ , I thought. _I've gotta do something, anything._

"Hey, Antibug," I stood up, scowling. "You might think you're tough, but you're just a fake."

Antibug glared at me. "Don't you start, Jaune!"

"You called me a 'nobody'," I crossed my arms. "But, honestly, I'd rather be a nobody than be a fake."

Antibug threw her yo-yo at me. "Shut up, you, Hawkmoth said you-"

Chat Noir moved his body, knocking into Antibug. She jumped, tripping over.

"Hawkmoth said what about me?" I asked, making a face.

Antibug yelled some curses, turning back to Chat Noir. She stuck his staff between his body and the ropes, so he was like a kebab. She leaped into the air, jumping up her father's hotel, carrying Chat Noir with her. It was somehow one of the most impressive but also one of the weirdest things I'd ever seen. And that's saying a lot, considering all the insane villains there are.

Once she got pretty far above the ground, she hung Chat Noir over the edge of a balcony, like a plank on a pirate ship.

 _What did Hawkmoth say about me?_ I thought, looking up. _Why are my questions never answered?!_

I hoped, at least, Ladybug would eventually show up to save Chat Noir.

I stood up, waiting below Chat Noir. If he fell, maybe I'd be able to catch him? I wasn't some super strong hero, but it'd be better than letting him die.

A few moments later, Chat Noir was pulled back. I breathed out in relief.

 _Ladybug's back_ , I thought. _Well, I guess I can leave now-_

And of course, just as I was about to go, the three combatants decided to join me on the ground floor. Seriously, they just came flying down out of nowhere, all kicking and screaming at each other. Not only that, but Antibug was wielding this huge Guts-worthy sword, while Ladybug only had a bag of marbles. Hooray, we were saved.

"Hahahahaha!" Antibug cackled, holding up her sword. "What? You're going to defeat me with marbles? Child's play."

"See, that's your downfall, you're always so quick to judge," Ladybug told her. "Over to you!"

She chucked the bag of marbles to Chat Noir, who opened the bag. The marbles rolled out, making Antibug trip over. Chat Noir grabbed her sword, chucking it into the sunset.

"See?" Antibug taunted. "You're nothing without your Chat Noir!"

"Chat Noir and I are a team," Ladybug put her arm around Chat Noir. "If you take me on, you take Chat Noir on too. It's not my problem if you don't have any friends."

 _Hell yeah sis, go off,_ I thought.

"Cataclysm!" Chat Noir yelled. The ground beneath Antibug collapsed; she fell through. Then Ladybug did this really bad-ass backflip; through this, she was able to grab Antibug's earrings. She then crushed the earrings beneath her foot, causing the akuma to fly out.

"Miraculous Ladybug!" Ladybug yelled, reversing all the problems as usual. All the destruction was gone. Aside from the depressing voices in my own head, of course.

Chloé was on the repaired ground, dazed and confused.

"What am I doing here?" she asked, looking around.

"Pound it!" Ladybug and Chat Noir shared a fist bump.

"Ladybug…?" Chloé asked, gazing up at her idol.

"Chloé, I… I'm really sorry about earlier," Ladybug apologised. "I would've defeated Vanisher sooner if I'd taken your advice."

"Oh, huh," Chloé nodded. "In that case, I might reconsider."

"Reconsider what?" Ladybug asked.

"I might just have to stay your most devoted fan after all!" Chloé cheered.

"Oh, yeah," Ladybug shrugged, awkwardly. "Uh… thanks? I suppose. In that case, let me offer you some advice. You should work things out with your friend Sabrina."

"And apologise to John for calling him a 'nobody," Chat Noir added.

I went red. "Uh, you don't have to do that…"

"Well, since it's coming from Ladybug…" Chloé turned to me. "You can be one of my extra friends, Jaune."

"Look, just call me by my correct name, and I'll be happy," I sighed, making a face.

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Chloé rolled her eyes. "John."

And I tell you what, that really made me day. I still wasn't a big fan of Chloé, though. But I suppose I hated her a little less than I did before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Next chapter of the last chapter of season 1… hope you're ready. Also, I'll forever see John and Chloé as frenemies haha


	17. The biggest faker of them all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter of season 1, hope you enjoy. Next season I want to do the Santa Claws episode, but I'm going to wait until we get a little closer to Christmas. I also made some fanart for this chapter, which I'll post sooner or later lol. It'll be on my deviantART and Tumblr (iHateFridays and fridayhater), or you can also see it on the Wattpad and Quotev versions of this story.

The funny thing about my dreams is that I usually don't remember them, unless they're, like, insanely weird. (And yes, I know generally dreams are very weird, but I mean, the ones I remember have to be _beyond_ weird.) The dream I had one night was an exception to this, mainly because I wouldn't call it 'insanely weird', I'd call it 'insanely horrifying'. A nightmare, I daresay.

The dream showed a silhouette of a guy, and it looked like blood was dripping down his face. His eyes were also eerily blank, like he was a walking corpse. His features were hard to pinpoint aside from that. I think he had a sort of similar hairstyle to me? It was hard to tell. Pretty edgy.

The guy walked over to a really tall man dressed in a dark purple dress shirt with a black butterfly-shaped lapel, a butterfly brooch on the center of the collar, and black dress pants. Over the majority of his face and neck, he wore a silver mask. He also had a dark indigo staff wielded in one hand. He looked similar to the Butterfly man. Eerily similar. But I could tell they weren't the same person.

 _Hawk Moth_ , my eyes narrowed.

" _How did you get here?_ " Hawk Moth demanded, glaring at the guy with blood on his face. " _Leave at once, or I'll take your powers away!_ "

" _Take them away?_ " the guy taunted, raising a hand. " _You idiot, Hawk Moth. I_ allowed _myself to get akumatized. I can control these powers. They don't belong to you anymore._ "

Hawk Moth scowled. He raised his staff, but the guy didn't budge. Hawk Moth stepped back.

" _I can't take your powers away…_ " he went pale. " _What is this?! What have you done?!_ "

The guy had a really creepy smile on his face. Like, serial killer smile. And that was a dead giveaway about what he was going to do to Hawk Moth.

So of course, that's also when I woke up.

 _What the Hell was that?!_ I thought, blinking heavily.

That wasn't like any dream I'd had before. It wasn't insanely weird, it was actually kind of coherent… and terrifying.

I wanted to do some kind of dream psychology research on it, but then of course my mom came in, arms crossed.

"John, for goodness' sake," she scowled. "Do you know how late it is?"

"No," I said, sheepishly. I glanced at my alarm clock. It was nearly 8:00, which meant I was late for school. As you can see, I was slowly becoming an anime protagonist.

Mom sighed. "Well, you can make up for it by doing a shopping run after school."

I made a face. "Do I have to?"

Mom glared at me.

"Fine, fine," I forced myself out of bed. I paused. "By the way, Mom…"

"No excuses, Johnathan," Mom kept glaring at me.

"I'm not looking for excuses," I argued. "I just want to know… do you ever have weird dreams?"

Mom made a face. "Not very often. Why? Are you having trouble sleeping?"

"No," I said. I grabbed my hearing aid. "Look- it doesn't matter. I have to go, anyway."

Mom made a face. "Well, if you say so…"

* * *

Blah blah blah, boring school stuff, blah blah blah. So naturally, I went over to Tom & Sabine Boulangerie Patisserie after school finished. To my surprise (and relief), Marinette actually wasn't there. But knowing my good luck… I'd run into her at some point.

And you'll never guess it, but of course I was right.

After I left the bakery, I went for a walk. I was walking through the Place des Vosges, when I saw Marinette sneaking around like a spy. I don't know why she did that so much. She seemed to be spying on Adrien sitting on a park bench, next to some girl I didn't know, as well as a trash can. The girl had olive-green eyes, long, hip-length chestnut brown hair with bangs similar to a horse mane. She wore a red-orange jacket over a dark gray romper that had tiny white spots. Additionally, she wore light gray tights and brown high heel boots.

"Not only did Ladybug save my life, we've become very close friends because we have something very special in common- it's what I wanted to tell you about," the girl told Adrien. "I'm the descendant of a vixen superheroine myself, Volpina."

"Volpina?" Adrien asked.

I made a face. I wasn't sure why, but that sounded kind of fishy. Something about the girl… made me uncomfortable. Also, that little Funko Pop Ladybug figurine was hanging out in the trash can, trying to pull something out. Right in the open. Where everyone could see. Smart times. Meanwhile, Marinette was hiding behind a tree, teeth clenched. She looked like she wanted to punch the girl in the face.

"Wait a minute!" Adrien gasped. "I think I read about her in my book."

The girl put her hand on Adrien's bag. "Of course she's in your book. She's one of the most important superheroes. More powerful and more celebrated than Ladybug."

The little Pop Funko thing managed to pull a book out of the trash can and give to Marinette. Despite that, Marinette wasn't looking any happier. She looked like she wanted to bite through the book.

"Between you and me Ladybug doesn't even make the top ten," the girl continued, smirking at Adrien. She held out a necklace with a charm fox tail. "My grandma gave me this necklace."

Adrien was about to comment, and then he saw me hanging out. So lucky, am I right?

"Oh, hey, John!" he waved at me.

The girl noticed me as well, giving me a friendly wave. "Oh! So you're this John Adrien was telling me about!"

I walked over, hands in pockets. "Uh, hey."

"Nice to meet you," the girl offered a hand, and a sickly sweet smile. "I'm Lila."

I shook her hand. "Nice to meet you too..."

Whether or not it was actually 'nice' was debatable. What really made me nervous was th fact that Marinette had vanished.

"Lila was just telling me about how she's related to Volpina, a vixen themed superhero," Adrien told me.

"Wow, uh, that's pretty cool," I said, finding it hard to even fake smile.

"Thank you," Lila, on the other hand, was full of (fake) smiles. "I've seen you around quite a lot, John. Are you friends with Ladybug too?"

"You're friends with Ladybug?" I asked. I was not answering that question myself. No way in Hell would I ever consider Ladybug my friend.

But of course, before Lila could answer, you'll never guess who showed up.

"Well hey, Lila! How's it going? Long time no see. I saw your interview on the Ladyblog, awesome job." Ladybug parked herself right beside me, arms crossed.

 _Marinette, are you serious…?_ I thought, staring at her.

Ladybug put her foot on the bench, separating Adrien and Lila. She leaned down.

"Oh sure!" she laughed. "I remember our instant connection when I saved your life and we've been really good friends ever since! Practically BFF's! Uh actually, when did I save your life again, Lila? I don't recall. Oh yes! Of course, now I remember. _Never!_ " She waved her arms. "And we're not friends either!" She turned to Adrien. "Miss Show-Off here was trying to impress you and everyone around her."

Lila was in tears.

"So I guess you aren't the descendant of a superhero either?" Adrien asked her.

"She's more like a super liar." Ladybug rectified.

"How dare you?!" Lila raged. She got up, running away.

"Wait! Lila!" Adrien called. He turned to Ladybug. "Hey, what was that all about? Uh, I mean, weren't you kinda harsh with her?"

"I… I don't put up with lies, especially when they're about me." Ladybug asserted. She used her yo-yo to zoom off.

"What got into her?" Adrien asked me.

"Not sure, honestly," I admitted.

 _But I think it's time I find out_ , I thought. _That really was uncalled for, Marinette…_

"Maybe you should try and find Lila," I told Adrien, before running off.

* * *

Believe it or not, I actually did manage to find Marinette. She was at her bakery, upstairs in her room. Her parents were surprised to see me again, but let me in when I told them I was a friend of Marinette's. (Saying that hurt my soul.)

"Marinette?" I stood underneath her door. Yeah, she lived in an attic.

"John?" Marinette opened the door, looking down at me. "Why are you here?"

"I saw you spying on Lila and Adrien," I said, crossing my arms. "What was all that about?"

Marinette blushed. "Oh, uh… nothing! No reason at all!"

"Jealous of Lila?" I guessed, raising a brow.

Marinette looked down. "Uh… well…"

"Lila's a liar, sure," I told her. "A real, big fat liar. But what goes around comes around. Lila would've got her comeuppance eventually. Adrien would've seen through her in the end. And plus… stalking Adrien is really creepy. Don't do that."

Marinette scowled. "Well, I don't trust Lila! She's manipulating Adrien and everyone else at school! She should be punished immediately!"

"Honestly, it's way more fun to watch a slow and painful unravelling of all her lies," I said. "Because you know she got herself into that trap."

"Ugh!" Marinette crossed her arms, groaning in frustration. "What do you know, John? You don't go to my school. You don't know Adrien. You don't know anything!"

I made a face. "Maybe not, but-"

"Stop acting like you know everything!" Marinette snapped. "You're no better than Lila!"

I trailed off. "I was just trying to help…"

"Well, _don't_ try, next time," Marinette said. She closed the door. "Bye, John."

I stood there in silence for a moment. My fists clenched.

"Fine," I snapped. "I don't care anymore."

I walked out, head hanging low.

 _I'm done_ , I decided. _I'm done with these stupid, selfish people. I'm done trying to help. I'm done being a hero. I don't care anymore._

I wasn't even mad. I was just tired. Too empty for an akuma. And too tired to be a hero.

So instead, I went home.

* * *

I completely ignored my family as I trudged up to my room. I went into my room, shutting the door behind me. I sat on my bed, bowing my head. I couldn't even cry. I just felt… apathy. That overwhelming feeling of 'I can't be asked'.

I thought about the dream I'd had. I imagined my expression was similar to the guy in the dream: the dead, blank eyes.

Then I thought about the Butterfly Man, and how similar he was to Hawk Moth. He obviously wasn't the same person as Hawk Moth, but he seemed to have the same powers. And the same outfit.

 _Maybe he's Hawk Moth from a different universe or something_ , I thought. _Eh… whatever. He's not important. I don't care about that crap anymore._

I knew that guy wanted me to do something cool, but I had nothing cool to offer. There was no fight in me left.

I heard a knock on my door. It was a familiar knock I'd recognise anywhere.

"John," my mom came in, a frown on her face.

"What." I said, tone void of any emotion.

"What's wrong with you today?" Mom asked, sitting on my bed. "You're acting strange."

"Am I." I deadpanned.

"Johnathan…" She reached out, squeezing my shoulder.

"Stop it," I brushed her off, wrapping myself in my doona.

Mom looked like she was about to chastise me, but then her expression softened.

"You know, when you were little…" she looked away. "You used to have big tantrums. You'd crawl into your room and you'd cry and cry. It took ages for your dad and I to get you to come out." She sighed, laughing softly. "Some things never change."

"Are you trying to push some corny message on me?" I asked, digging my face into my pillow.

"No, honey," my mom itched herself closer to me. "I'm just trying to comfort you. You've always been a private person, you know. You don't want to show people what you have to offer because you're scared they'll judge you. And in saying that… you think you don't have any good to say at all."

I clenched my fists.

"But that's not true, John," Mom smiled. "You have so much to offer the world. You shouldn't be afraid of how people perceive you. You can live your life however you want it. It doesn't matter what other people think."

"But…" I trailed off. "I'm just a stupid nobody in the end. I'm not some hero like Ladybug and Chat Noir."

"Maybe not," Mom tilted her head, "but you have other good qualities, John. You don't have to be a hero to be a good person."

I rolled over, staring her in the eyes. She was smiling at me. For some reason, tears were burning behind my eyes. My breaths were shaky.

_Time to get something off my chest._

"I've been holding a dangerous secret for a while," I admitted to her. "I don't want to say what it is, but it could really affect the lives of Ladybug and Chat Noir. What do I do, Mom?"

"A dangerous secret?" Mom made a face.

"It affects the lives of Paris' superheroes," I told her. "Well, honestly, it's not that much of a secret in reality, it's more like common sense, but… I don't know what to do with it."

 _No one takes me seriously_ , I groaned internally.

Mom sighed. "Just do what you think is right. I know you can, John. You're smart enough for that."

"Of course you'd say that…" I grunted. But I supposed I'd take her advice. I had to try and do something.

So of course, to make sure I was keeping up with everything, I pulled out my phone. And guess what I saw on the news.

 _That's Hawk Moth in the city center…_ I thought, gazing at my screen. _And wait, is that…_

There was a superhero - or what looked like one, anyway - dressed like a fox girl running around. And of course, I recognised her immediately.

_Lila._

* * *

The city center was right ahead, the sun shining down on the marble walls. Three superheroes were flying around on the rooftops, one of them being Lila. Chat Noir chased after a retreating Hawk Moth, who seemed to have learned how to teleport. Ladybug was going after him too, but in a different direction. As for Lila herself, she seemed to be standing around and scheming something.

"HEY!" I put myself directly underneath her. "LILA!"

Lila jumped, before looking down. Her brow raised when she saw me. She wore a fox-orange mask. On top of her head, two fake orange ears were attached. A necklace with that fox tail charm from before hanging off of it was worn around her neck. Her outfit was orange with a white section going down the front. Wrapped around her waist was an orange sash that looked like a fox tail. She was holding a flute in one hand.

"It's Volpina," she said, sweetly. "Hello, John. Can't say I'm surprised to see you here."

"You're not Volpina," I crossed my arms. "You're Lila. You're just making up lies again."

Volpina laughed. "Don't be silly, John. I'm the only hero Paris needs!"

"You're no hero," I argued. "You're just a fake. You've been akumatized."

Volpina scowled, bringing her flute to her lips. She played a melody. The Butterfly man appeared before me, right out of nowhere. He was holding a freaking gun, aimed right at my head. I jumped and fell on my ass.

"Don't worry, John," Volpina told me. "I'll save you!"

She leaped down, kicking the Butterfly Man over. He vanished into dust.

"See?" Volpina scoffed. "I'm a real hero!"

"Bullshit," I argued. "That was an illusion. You're just angry because Ladybug exposed your lies. Yeah, it's her fault you got akumatized, but it's your fault for lying in the first place."

Volpina was about to blow into her flute again, but then Ladybug showed up. She put an arm in front of me, yo-yo in her other hand.

"John," she raised her brow at me. "It's dangerous here. You should-"

"I _know_ it's dangerous," I argued. "This is what my life's become. But this is a mess I want to clean up."

Ladybug made a face. "John, you're just a civilian. I don't want you to get hurt. And plus, it's not your fault."

"Technically, it's not," I agreed. "But this is my life, Ma- Ladybug. I choose to fight, for once."

"Enough with this cheesy nonsense," Volpina scoffed. "Do you really think you're any less fake than me, John? Look at yourself. You're convinced you're a hero. But Hawk Moth was right about you. At the end of the day, you're just some useless civilian."

"You're right," I agreed. "I'm no hero. But I'm not going to sit here and let you call me a faker, when you're the biggest faker I've ever seen."

Volpina scowled, putting her flute to her lips.

"I'm not good enough for a Miraculous, but…" I narrowed my eyes. "I can still kick your ass. Stay back, Ladybug."

Volpina played a melody on her flute. Clones of her appeared all around me, swarming me. They all wore the same angered expression.

"John!" Ladybug gasped.

"For crying out loud," I muttered. The clones raced toward me. Like an anime character, I began plowing them down with my fists. They disappeared into puffs of smoke.

 _More damn illusions_ , I scowled. _Where's the real one hiding?!_

"Come on, Volpina," I spat. "Don't hide from me."

I continued plowing them down until there were none left.

"She got away," I cursed.

"There she is!" Ladybug pointed to the rooftops, where Volpina was bouncing around.

"Do me a solid," I turned to Ladybug. "Get me over to her."

Ladybug made a face at me. "John, you know-"

I stared at her, eyes narrowed.

"Alright," Ladybug sighed. She wrapped her arms around my waist; I clung onto her as well. "Hold on!"

We zoomed through the air, like we were on an insane roller coaster. I'll admit, I nearly pissed myself. I forced myself to keep my tears back. Ladybug continued flinging her yo-yo as we chased Volpina. She was fast, but Ladybug was faster.

"Volpina!" I shouted, trying not to squeak.

We managed to corner Volpina against a wall. I tried to look as badass as possible by crossing my arms and scowling.

"This is embarrassing, honestly," Volpina grunted, leaning against the wall.

"Don't talk about yourself so much," I replied, walking over to her.

She disappeared into mist before I could grab her, but I had a feeling she'd pull a move like that.

"Ladybug, use your Lucky Charm," I told Ladybug.

"Uh, sure," she nodded. She waved her hand in the air. "Lucky Charm!" A chocolate popsicle appeared in her hand. "Huh…?"

"Gimme that," I snatched the popsicle from her. "Hmmm…"

 _Well, I am kind of hungry, but…_ I narrowed my eyes. I opened the popsicle. The wrapper was really shiny, but I didn't care about that. I wanted to eat the popsicle first.

"John, we don't have time for a snack break," Ladybug chastised.

 _Snack break…_ I thought. _Hey, I've got it!_

"Hey, Volpina," I stood up. "You want to know something true for once?" I smirked. "I know you stole that book from Adrien and threw it in the trash can right beside you."

Volpina appeared from the shadows. "Excuse me?"

"I know a lot of other things, too, but…" I held up the popsicle. "I won't tell you, because I keep my secrets."

I chucked the ice-cream at her face, knocking her back in surprise. As she stumbled, I reached over and grabbed the fox tail necklace.

"Time to de-evilize," I said, stomping the necklace beneath my feet. A butterfly flew out.

"Bye bye, little akuma," Ladybug came in, using her yo-yo to remove the akuma.

"MIRACULOUS LADYBUG!" we both shouted. Well, I kind of deadpanned it, but whatever.

And then everything was back to normal. Paris was safe once again, thanks to the superheroes who badly cosplayed as animals and a loser in a hoodie.

"John!" Ladybug grinned at me. "You did it!"

"Yeah, maybe I did…" I shrugged, casually.

"Ugh…" Lila shook her head, blinking. She was kneeling on the ground. "Ladybug?"

"Lila, I... totally overreacted and... never should've spoken to you like that," Ladybug bowed her head. "I'm sorry."

"Forget it, Ladybug; you were right," Lila put a hand on her heart. "We'll never be friends."

She picked up her necklace and walked away.

"Ouch…" Chat Noir appeared beside us. "What did I miss out on?"

"Not much, honestly," I admitted.

* * *

Mom placed her hand on my shoulder. We were walking through the Place des Vosges, Piss trotting ahead of us.

"We used to come here all the time when you were little," Mom told me. "You used to love this place."

"Still do," I shrugged.

Mom laughed. "One day, we'll have a family picnic here. What do you say?"

"Sounds fine, I guess," I nodded. "It's been a while." I made a face. "Anyway, I kind of have to go to the bathroom, so…"

"Of course," Mom tugged on Piss' leash. "I'll be here."

So I walked off, heading to the toilet. On my way there, an old man passed by me. He was fairly short, but had the appearance of a sensei from a Kung Fu movie. For some reason, I got the feeling he was important.

"Good afternoon," he addressed me.

"Uh, good afternoon," I nodded back.

"What you did against that villain was very brave, Mr. Couture," he told me. "You'd make a fine hero."

To my surprise, I laughed. "No. I'm no hero. No interest in being one. I'm just an ordinary guy."

The old man raised his brow, then nodded. "Of course. The hero life is not for everyone."

He walked off, leaving me to continue going to the bathroom.

 _What the Hell was all that about?_ I thought. _Eh, whatever… life sucks, but not that much. I can deal with a few hiccups._


	18. Life itself is a paradox, I guess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Wow, glad y'all enjoyed the last chapter. :D Here's the first chapter of season 2! Hope you like this one too. :D

So, good news and bad news… actually, it was probably just bad news. Long story short, I knew who Hawk Moth was (well, I was like, 99% sure, but yeah). Y'know, the big bad villain guy who was going around and akumatising everyone. I'm sure you all know too: it was Gabriel Agreste.

That's right, the father of Adrien Agreste, aka Chat Noir. The father of one of Paris' leading superheroes was the big bad supervillain. Pretty convenient, huh? Of everyone in Paris, it had to be him. (Then again, the guy did have some supervillain vibes to him.)

How did I know this, you ask? Well, you remember that dream I had? Turns out, Gabriel and Hawk Moth had the same voice. And general disposition. Okay, maybe that's a bit of a stretch, but I was still very very very sure they were the same person. Like I said, Gabriel did have supervillain vibes.

And what was I going to do with this information? Despite my bumbling idiocy, I somehow had gathered information some people would kill for. I could've been one of the most powerful people in Paris.

Yeah, screw that. I didn't want to be powerful. Have you seen movies? Power _corrupts_ people. I didn't want to be corrupted. I just wanted to stay inside and play video games all day without people judging me. And knit sometimes as well. A simple wish that will probably never be granted, honestly.

But I still dreamed, of course. So you know exactly what I was doing one morning: sitting in my room, playing video games. My mom was real happy (not). She wanted me to go outside but you all know what happened when I went outside. It was pretty much a death sentence out there. No thanks.

In fact, I never wanted to go outside again. Sure, I'd probably get fat and unfit staying inside 24/7, but I didn't care. It was better than death by pigeons or bubbles or weird secretly-supervillain men constantly staring at you for some reason. No, I'd prefer to stay in my room and melt into John soup.

And maybe it was for the best, anyway. You guys know me. Even without the superheroes, I probably would've done something stupid.

So, yeah, I was in my room, trying not to think about world-shaking topics like Hawk Moth or my weird dreams, and instead, some Ultimate Mecha Strike III. My mom sighed, giving up on trying to get me to go out. Or maybe she felt pity for me. Well... no. Since when did anyone feel bad for me? If they did, maybe I _wouldn't_ have been miserable all the time.

SO I was in my room slumped on my bed, playing some games like the loser I am. Max was online, so we were playing together. After absolutely killing it (well, _he_ was killing it, not me), we had a chat after the game.

_MK1150: I cannot believe this, Johnathan…_

_METALLICAGINGERBREAD: uh, what's up? we won the game dude_

_MK1150: It's not about the game! Adrien is never returning to school! His father pulled him out._

_METALLICAGINGERBREAD: srsly? why?_

_MK1150: I believe it's because of an important book he stole that belonged to his father._

_METALLICAGINGERBREAD: wow, really?_

_A book…_ I thought. _Could that book be-_

Surprise, you'll never guess who decided to text me at just that moment. Isn't it great how convenient everything is?

_Marinette: Hey, John, are you there?_

I wanted to block her so bad. But that would probably backfire against me, and it was pretty bad manners. Plus, I guess I felt bad for not replying last time, so I responded.

_Me: yeah, what's up?_

_Marinette: Do you remember when Adrien and Lila were at the park, and Adrien had that book?_

I was starting to see where this was going.

_Me: yeah what bout it?_

_Marinette: Well… I'm just wondering… who do you think Hawk Moth is?_

Why the Hell did this girl save all the important questions for stupid text messages? Actually, it was probably for the best. I didn't have to screw around with my words as much.

_Me: why do you ask?_

_Marinette: I don't know, just curious…_

_Wait, if she's asking me who Hawk Moth is…_ I scowled. _Does that mean… she's onto me?_

_Marinette: Actually, nevermind, you probably don't know. Sorry, John._

Welp, that got anticlimactic real fast. And I decided I was done talking to Marinette for that day. As soon as I got involved with anything with her around, things would start getting crazy, and I just wanted to live my life peacefully for once (or at least try to). Although I suppose I felt bad for Adrien getting taken out of school, it wasn't any of my business. I wasn't going to get involved. No way.

"Playing games in your room by yourself… you really haven't gotten any better."

I nearly dropped my controller. Standing in the corner of my room was the Butterfly Man. AKA, a different Hawk Moth.

"You…" I got up. "What the Hell are you doing here?! How'd you get in here?!"

"Wow, you get so easily spooked," the Butterfly Man shook his head. "This'll be so easy. You're so capricious, Johnny. You'll be on my side before long."

I didn't know what to say. I'd forgotten what capricious meant.

"On your side?" I asked. "You're a bad guy?"

"You already know that," the Butterfly Man replied, tapping his gloved hands together. "Of course, you _think_ you're a good guy. But that won't last. You'll get sick and tired of people pushing you around. You'll give in eventually."

"I… I'm not on any sides," I spat. "I'm just a civilian."

"You can't lie to yourself forever," the Butterfly Man teased, standing above me. "Pathetic little welp. Your knowledge and power _will_ get the better of you."

He was actually only a few centimeters taller than me, but I still felt like he was towering kilometers above me. I felt my throat go dry. His eyes were covered by a mask, but I could tell… he was staring straight into my soul.

I realised I was actually glad Gabriel Agreste was our Hawk Moth, and not that creep.

"John?" My mom knocked on the door. I glanced at the door, and back at the Butterfly Man. His stubble-covered chin smiled at me.

"What?" I asked, my voice meek.

"Me, Avril and the girls are going out for some lunch," Mom said. "Do you want to come?"

I stared at the Butterfly Man, then the door.

I was about to respond, when suddenly I heard screaming downstairs, and a huge crash. It was like someone was being set on fire.

"AVRIL!" my mother screamed, steps thundering downstairs. I heard the twins crying out for their mother, and another crash.

"WHERE IS HE?!" a familiar man's voice demanded, echoing through the house. Gabriel Agreste.

 _What the Hell is he doing here?!_ I thought, a chill going down my spine.

I turned to the Butterfly Man, who simply smirked at me.

"Well, what are you waiting for, Johnny?" he teased. "Go and see what's happening."

"What about you…?" I asked, hands shaking.

"Don't you have more important things to worry about?" he asked, tilting his head.

I narrowed my eyes. "I'll be back for you." And then I dashed outside my room, holding out my fists. My stomach dropped. The house was completely empty. Mom, Avril, and the demon twins were completely gone. As well as that, half the furniture was gone too. I wasn't emotionally attached to it like my dad's stuff, but damn it still pissed me off.

"There you are, Johnathan!" Gabriel Agreste - or whatever the Hell he was cosplaying as - yelled at me. His skin was pale purple. His white hair stuck up in a point with black vertical stripes, however, along with the back of his head and his neck was black. He wore a black dress suit with a white lapel, stiff shoulders, and edgy downward-bent stripes on the front. He also wore black dress pants. His high heel boots were connected to his body suit, and they were black with black and white striped heels. My dude looked like a biker on steroids.

"What the Hell?!" I shouted. "What'd you do to my family?!"

"I am the Collector, so I made them a part of my Book of Inspiration!" he replied, holding up a book that matched his colour scheme. Inside, I saw drawings of my family members, as well as some of the furniture. "And you will be a part of it too, Jonathan!"

"In your dreams," I insulted him in French. He chucked his book at me like a boomerang; I slid out of the way, nearly banging my head on a cabinet that hadn't been vaporized. I yelled another curse in French, this time at myself.

"Come on, Johnathan," the Collector cackled. "You'll make great inspiration for my book!"

"Why's that?" I asked, out of curiosity more than anything.

"Because you're so painfully insignificant, yet you know so much!" he shouted, throwing the book at me again. It wiped out half the kitchen. "Isn't that the greatest inspiration of all, Johnathan?"

 _Wait…_ I thought. _Does he know…_

"Do you know…?" I asked. "That I know…?"

"I know you're hiding something," the Collector replied, removing my dining table. "Inspire me, Johnathan. Tell me what it is!"

"I don't want to be part of your twisted 'inspiration'," I told him. "Not if it involves killing innocent people. You kidnapped my family! And you pulled your son from school just because he stole some dumb book!"

Honestly, every time my family got kidnapped or some other crap happened, I just got madder and madder.

 _Maybe the Butterfly Man had a point_ , I scowled. _If this dumb shit keeps happening, I really am going to lose my fucking mind._

"Who said you had a choice?" the Collector asked. "This is my _new_ book!" He threw his book at me again. Just as it was about to hit me, a certain cat themed superhero appeared in front of me.

"Now, come on, Collector," Chat Noir chuckled, with a tinge of nervousness. "I think you're starting to run low on ideas."

 _Wait…_ I stared at Chat Noir. _Did he just insult me?!_

"John," Ladybug showed up as well, helping me stand up. "Are you okay?"

"Not particularly," I shook my head. "He kidnapped my whole family."

"Get to safety," Chat Noir winked at me. "We'll deal with this."

"In _my_ house," I grunted. Honestly, I had no privacy whatsoever.

"Just… go outside," Chat Noir told me.

 _That's exactly where I'm trying to avoid_ , I scowled.

But of course, I valued my life. So I headed outside into the streets, while the heroes continued fighting the Collector. In _my_ house.

 _Wait a second_ , I thought, slumping on the sidewalk. _I'm pretty sure that's Hawk Moth back there, but he's… akumatised himself? Is that even possible?_

I guess it had to be, since I'd seen it with my own two eyes. That raised a lot of questions. Like, a lot. As if I didn't have enough questions already. My brain was hurting.

 _And plus, he's onto me_ , I thought. _Great. The big supervillain of Paris is onto me. Just fantastic._

What was I supposed to do against a supervillain? I suppose I just had to do what everyone else was doing: rely on Ladybug and Chat Noir for help. But could they really protect Paris forever?

I saw my door vanish with a flash. I took a good few steps back, hiding behind a bush. Ladybug and Chat Noir came out of my house, standing in front of the entrance.

"... why'd he come after John?" Chat Noir asked his co-hero, raising a brow. "Of all the people in Paris…"

"He mentioned something about John knowing something important," Ladybug replied, tapping her chin. "And maybe he's right. I think John _does_ know something really important. Why else would he keep getting involved in all these villain attacks?"

My throat went dry. That was the smartest thing she'd ever said. Shame she wasn't smart enough to realise her literal crush who she stalked and kept tabs on was standing _right next to her_.

"No way," Chat Noir waved a hand. "John's just unlucky. I can feel it. He's a chill guy who just has bad fortune."

That was also fair enough.

Ladybug scowled. "We'll discuss this later. The Collector is getting up!"

They ran back into the house. I stared at my fist. And I realised something. The fact that I knew their secret identities… well, that in itself, was kind of _my_ secret identity. Woke John vs Normal, Boring and Weak John. But did I really want that? Unlike Ladybug and Chat Noir, I wasn't some superhero with a Miraculous. Maybe I was sick of being so secretive all the time. Maybe I didn't want to live with my secret anymore. Maybe I just wanted to be free, for once.

And who knows? Maybe once my secret was out in the open, villains would get off my ass! Maybe my life would stop sucking so hard! And maybe, just _maybe_ , my mother would let me play video games all day without reprimanding me.

I stood up, walking away from the house. I proudly brushed my hair out of my eyes, trying to look badass. It probably looked stupid in reality, but whatever. I pulled out my phone, and texted none other than Alix Kubdel. Why her? I'm not sure, it's what my gut was telling me. Alongside its usual demands for food.

_Me: Alix… there's something I need to get off my chest._

_Alix: Are you confessing to me?_

_Me: uh no. Look… I'm just gonna say it… marinette is Ladybug._

_Alix: What…?_

_Me: Yeah. And adrien is chat noir._

_Alix: John… have you been playing that stupid video game all alone in your room again? I swear you get weird when you play that game._

_Me: What? No! Alix, I'm serious! Marinette is Ladybug, and Adrien is Chat Noirrrrr_

_Alix: Marinette as a superhero? Don't get me wrong, the girl is nice, but can you really see her flying around Paris with a yoyo and kicking butt? The girl constantly trips over her own shoelaces._

_Me: well that's the thing…_

_Alix: And Adrien's dad watches over him like a hawk. He's, like, thirty times worse than my dad. No way would Adrien be able to keep his hero life a secret._

_Me: dude! marinette and Ladybug have the same hairstyle and the same voice. And plus, haven't you noticed marinette is never around when ladybug shows up? The same goes for adrien and chat Noir._

_Alix: You sound like a conspiracy theorist…_

_Me: alix, come on! i'm being serious!_

_Alix: Sure thing…_

I wanted to throw my phone down a drain. Of course, when I openly confessed my big ol' common sense knowledge, I got shut down immediately. What was the point anymore? Glad I wasn't in the Hunger Games; the odds were never in my favour.

_Alix: Well, anyway, do you want to come with me to the skate park later?_

_Me: … You've really got guts to ask me something like that._

I put my phone into my pocket, walking down the empty street. And then I noticed the Eiffel Tower was missing.

 _Wow, the Collector actually managed to steal the Eiffel Tower…_ I thought, completely unsurprised. _Hmm… maybe I should try texting Max instead. He's a smart guy. Well, when it comes to IT, anyway._

So I opened up my phone, sending Max a text. This time, I skipped the greeting, and cut right to the chase.

_Me: marinette is ladybug._

_Max: Excuse me, Johnathan?_

_Me: And adrien is chat noir._

_Max: Where is all of this coming from…?_

_Me: marinette and ladybug have the same hairstyle and voice. So do adrien and chat noir. also, marinette and chat noir conveniently 'disappear' every time their superhero counterparts are around._

_Max: What? This is ridiculous, Johnathan. I thought you were more reasonable than that._

_Me: oh come on! I'm serious max! haven't you noticed all the conveniences?_

_Max: It's statistically impossible for Marinette to be Ladybug. She doesn't have the physical capabilities required to act as a superhero. Adrien does fencing, so I believe he does have physical capabilities, but he doesn't have the time. His father has an iron grip of his life. There's no way he could live in his double life in peace._

So he said the same shit as Alix. Awesome. Really great friends.

_Me: fine. See you._

_Max: Ah, Johnathan, I didn't mean to offend you. Honestly! I'm just pointing out the flaws in your logic._

_Me: GOODBYE._

I stuffed my phone in my pocket.

 _I can't believe this shit_ , I scowled. Man, they should've been glad Hawk Moth was busy or I probably would've been akumatized right then and there.

Speaking of akumatisation, I saw a wave of black and red spots flowing through the city. The Eiffel Tower re-appeared, as well as a ton of random people.

 _Well, at least Paris is safe for now_ , I sighed. _At least, until another stupid villain shows up…_

Then I gasped, remembering something very important: My house! And, uh, my family.

* * *

I raced back home, bursting the door open. My family (and all the furniture) was safe and sound. What a relief. I collapsed to my knees, taking some deep breaths.

My mom saw me on the ground, and smiled wide. "John! You've been running! Finally, some exercise for you!"

My smile went sour. "Seriously? That's all you have to say?"

The demon twins giggled.

"Whatever," I stood up. "Mom, look. I have to tell you something."

"What is it, sweetie?" Mom asked, grabbing my arm.

"I know the secret identities of Ladybug and Chat Noir," I told her.

"I'm sure you do, dear," she sighed, tiredly. "You make such funny jokes, you know." I could see the demon twins giggling again. Even Avril was smirking.

"I'm serious!" I spat. "Why doesn't anyone listen to me?!"

I ran upstairs, ignoring her. I locked myself in my room.

 _Dammit_ , I thought. _I hate all these stupid people._


	19. Enough with the live-streams...

To be honest, I'm not really the biggest fan of the news. Most of the time it just displays pain and suffering. It really makes you lose faith in humanity. That, or it's something completely arbitrary that nobody asked for. Yeah, I don't think anyone cares that some random celebrity was seen at the supermarket or whatever.

I didn't really pay much attention to the TV, even when they mentioned Ladybug and Chat Noir. Or maybe because part of me still missed Dad's old TV. Or maybe because I still didn't want anything to do with Ladybug or Chat Noir.

" _Don't forget, tonight. Face To Face, live with Ladybug and Chat Noir._ " Nadja Chamack told the audience, grinning.

I slumped deeper into the old couch, fiddling with a sewing needle. Dad came over, carrying a cup of water.

"Wow, an interview with Ladybug and Chat Noir," he remarked, taking a sip from the cup. "Will you be tuning in, John?"

"Nope," I replied.

"Aw, John, it's the new TV," Dad told me. "Don't you wanna see everything it's got?"

"It's second-hand," I argued. "It's not that much better than the old one. Plus, it's not like I've never seen a TV before."

Dad whimpered, giving me his pouty face. "Aw, all I wanted to do was watch some TV with my favourite son, but I guess not…"

He kept staring at me with big glossy eyes. I internally groaned.

"Alright, fine, we'll watch the stinking interview together," I sighed.

Dad's pouty lips turned into a smile. I rolled my eyes, giving him a small smile in return. What can I say, Dad's smiles were pretty contagious.

"Well, Face to Face isn't on until later," Dad said. "That gives me plenty of time to make some popcorn."

My small smile grew a little wider. A peaceful night in with just dad and I… it almost felt like a dream come true. But of course, like everything, it wasn't going to end well.

* * *

Surprisingly enough, nothing much happened leading up to the interview. Yeah, I can't believe it either. I just mooched around at Dad's for the rest of the day, watched some anime, had a 30 minute nap… okay, it was two hours, but it was meant to be 30 minutes, I promise.

Before long, it was evening, which meant it was time for the interview to start. Dad and I sat in front of the TV, its second-hand screen glowing brightly. And of course, a bowl of popcorn was between us. We were both in a pretty swell mood.

You're probably thinking, _John, when's the crazy stuff happening? We didn't ask for this nice happy stuff! We want to see you suffer!_

Of course you do. Just wait and see, you sinners.

On the TV, of course, was Nadja Chamack seated in her chair. Across her was none other than Ladybug and Chat Noir.

" _Good evening_ ," Nadja said. " _I'm Nadja Chamack and this is Face To Face. For our first edition, I welcome the beloved guardians of Paris - Ladybug and Chat Noir._ "

The superheroes in question waved at the camera.

" _Hello, thanks so much for accepting this exclusive live interview._ " Nadja smiled at them.

Ladybug grinned. " _Well, thank you Nadja, we're honoured to be here._ "

" _And hello to all my fans!_ " Chat Noir blew kisses and winks at the camera. I rolled my eyes so hard they nearly went back into my head. My dad sniggered, seeing my face. I dug my hand into the popcorn bowl, still scowling.

" _I'm sure thousands have tuned in to watch you tonight._ " Nadja told the heroes.

" _Don't encourage him, Nadja, or the cat won't stop purring all night._ " Ladybug sighed.

" _Don't listen to her,_ " Chat Noir teased. " _Bugaboo's just a spot jealous._ "

Ladybug rang the bell around his neck. " _Hey, I thought we agreed on no more Bugaboo calling, pussycat._ "

" _But it's so cute,_ " Chat Noir chuckled.

"Ughhhhhhhhh," I groaned. "This is cheesier than American cuisine..."

Dad burst out laughing.

Nadja giggled nervously. " _It's obvious you two are very close. People know you but they don't really know you. We see you saving Paris but we don't know anything else about you."_

 _Maybe that's for the best,_ I thought. _You'd be mighty disappointed if you knew the truth…_

" _We won't be keeping anything from you, Nadja._ " Chat Noir winked.

" _Well we do have to keep a_ few _secrets, including our identities of course._ " Ladybug smiled.

" _Absolutely!_ " Nadja glanced at her wrist for some reason. " _How about we start off with a few questions from your biggest fans?_ "

"Oh, John!" Dad gasped. "We should call in!"

"No thanks," I grunted.

" _Hello caller_ ," Nadja directed our attention to a large monitor. " _State your name and your question._ "

" _Err, seriously Nadja?_ " Of course, it was none other than Chloé Bourgeois. " _Surely, no one would be the first caller but me. I'm only the most prestigious fan of Ladybug._ "

"This show is seriously going to go downhill if that spoiled brat takes up the runtime," Dad grunted. "Come on John, give me the phone. I'll call in."

He was giving me one of his 'Dad looks'; the looks that I really couldn't say no to. I groaned, handing him the phone.

" _And don't forget my Daddy is the manager of the Grand Paris, the best luxury hotel in the entire city._ " Chloé bragged, humble as always.

" _Err, thank you for reminding us_ ," Nadja coughed. " _What is your question, Chloé?_ "

" _Oh, I don't have a question_ ," Chloé winked. " _I just wanted to say hi, since as you all know, we're such very good friends - Ladybug, Chat Noir and I!_ "

"Dad, are you sure about this?" I asked Dad, trying to, you know, make him get the hint.

"Of course," Dad grinned at me, typing the number into his phone. "We'll make it a great show! Don't you have questions for Ladybug and Chat Noir?"

"You have no idea," I sighed.

" _Uh, thank you, Chloé Bourgeois - next caller…_ " Nadja hurriedly pressed her remote. Dad's phone was dialling away.

 _Please don't let our call be accepted…_ I thought.

"Hello!" Dad waved at the phone's camera, his face appearing on the monitor on the TV. Social anxiety suddenly kicked in full force, and I slipped behind the couch, faster than a ninja.

" _Oh, hello_ ," Nadja waved at him. " _State your name and question, please._ "

"Abbé Couture," Dad replied. "And my question is…" He frowned, tapping his chin. "Hmm… John, what's my question?"

 _Kill me now_ , I thought, banging my head against the couch. My cheeks were burning. I imagined I looked like a tomato.

"Oh!" Dad snapped his fingers. "Uh… so, how do you keep your secret identities hidden so well?"

Oh my God. I nearly jumped out the window right then and there. The broadcast would've turned into a mockumentary about the life of a loser who can't stand anyone.

" _Good question,_ " Nadja turned to the superheroes. " _What do you have to say to that?_ "

" _Well, that's a secret, of course_ ," Ladybug teased. " _They're secret identities for a reason, aren't they?_ "

" _We're just invisible to the eye_ ," Chat Noir waved his claws. " _Masters of disguise._ "

' _Masters of disguise' my ass_ , I scowled. _The only real impressive thing here is everyone's blind ignorance!_

" _Well, thank you for your question, Mr. Couture_ ," Nadja turned off Dad's call, thank the gods. I saw her hesitate for a second; worry spread across her face. " _Uh, Ladybug, Chat Noir, um, so a lot of fans think of you as a couple of superheroes. But also, and I quote unquote, as a couple. Period._ "

"This isn't going to end well," I grunted, slipping back onto the sofa.

"John!" Dad grabbed my arm. "Did you see that?! I was on TV!"

"Yeah, Dad, I saw," I grumbled. "I was literally right there."

" _Can you confirm that you're dating here, tonight?_ " Nadja asked the superheroes.

" _Uh-uh-I'm very sorry Nadja, but we're superheroes_ ," Ladybug stammered. " _We're not here to answer such personal questions._ "

" _Meow, m'ladybug's grown claws._ " Chat Noir teased.

 _Why is everyone so obsessed with them being a couple?_ I thought. _Can't people just be friends?_

" _We're here to ensure all Parisians that they're safe and that it's only a matter of time before we defeat Hawk Moth, that's all._ " Ladybug informed her.

" _Fine_ ," Nadja scowled, furrowing her brows. " _How do you explain these photographs then?_ "

The screen then showed many photos of Ladybug and Chat Noir doing romantic stuff, that were probably taken out of context. Also known as doxxing.

" _What? When did that happen?!_ " Chat Noir demanded.

" _I was saving you, not kissing you!_ " Ladybug insisted.

" _It's so obvious that you're both in love._ " Nadja said, more images being shown on the screen.

" _These are just a bunch of photos taken out of context!_ " Ladybug insisted. " _We're only doing our job. We save the city every day, we're not a couple._ "

"The only couple here is the couple of fucks I don't give," I said, rolling over.

"John, swearing in English is still swearing," Dad crossed his arms. "I know enough English to recognise those words."

"Whatever," I put a pillow over my face.

" _C'mon, the audience awaits your answer._ " Nadja told the heroes.

"This interview is so over." Ladybug began dragging Chat Noir out of the studio, which was arguably more entertaining than any of the romance talk.

"Hey... wait you two, the show is not over yet," Nadja called. "Your fans will be disappointed if they don't get an answer!"

"If they are true fans, they'll understand." Ladybug told her.

"The Lady's right!" Chat Noir agreed, as he and Ladybug waltzed out the door.

After that, the broadcast finished. An ad began playing.

Dad made a face. "What was all that about?"

"Who knows," I sighed. "Let's just watch something else."

Dad shrugged. "Sure..."

Dad flicked through the channels, but there wasn't much on, kind of a bummer.

He sighed. "Man, I wish something good was on…"

Suddenly, the screen glitched. And then out of nowhere, a freaky-looking woman was on screen. She wore a pixel-textured head helmet with a light blue visor, while her hair, being stiff, shiny, and wild was on the outside. Because of the visor, her lips and pupils were glowing pink while the rest of her face was blue. She wore a dark blue pixel-textured bodysuit with a pattern of glowing light blue rectangular outlines connected with lines. The bottom of the suit combined with fuchsia high platform shoes.

" _Welcome to a new show, hosted by me, Prime Queen!_ " she cackled.

"What the Hell is this crap?!" Dad shouted.

" _Don't be bemused, it's just the news_ ," Prime Queen declared. " _Tonight, Ladybug and Chat Noir disappointed all their loyal fans by refusing to admit their love for one another._ " Our living room appeared on the screen. " _I've prepared some trials just to see how far they're prepared to keep the truth hidden from us._ "

Then she literally broke the fourth wall by stepping through our TV screen, holding out her freaky glowing hands. In person she was ten times as ugly and terrifying.

Dad stood up. "Get away from us!"

Of course, Prime Queen turned to me.

"This is your son, isn't it, Mr. Couture?" she asked Dad. "He doesn't look very intelligent, but something tells me he could be a very interesting part of the trial."

"Don't touch him," Dad threatened, standing in front of me.

"Fine then!" Prime Queen grinned, wickedly. "I'll take the both of you instead!" She turned to the audience. "I'm sure you remember Mr. Abbé Couture for asking that fantastic question. I bet he and his son have plenty more to offer us!"

Then, like the psycho she was, she tied my dad and I up with rope.

"Let us go!" Dad demanded.

"I'm afraid I can't do that, Mr. Couture!" Prime Queen laughed. "The show's just beginning!"

She grabbed the both of us with Super Saiyan strength, throwing us through the screen. All of the sudden, we were in a freaking moving subway, with a screen watching over us. And of course Chloé Bourgeois was there as well, tied up. So yep, we were all tied up, hopeless and useless as usual.

"Ugh, this can't be happening to me!" Chloé shrieked, rubbing against a pole to remove gum from her jacket. "I never, ever take the subway train! It's so, so, _so_ not me!"

"Sorry we don't all have limousines and chauffeurs to drive us around," I grunted.

"Oh, and you're here too," Chloé groaned at me. "Why do I have to keep getting stuck with you, Jaune?!"

 _You and me both,_ I sighed.

"Welcome, to the subway of suspense!" Prime Queen addressed the screen. "If it reaches seventy miles per hour, you can say goodbye to your precious little friends."

The subway was definitely getting faster and faster. Sweat pooled down my face.

"Well, well, look here, the ratings are rising!" Prime Queen cackled. "More and more of you want to know if our superhero friends will get here on time. The suspense is killing them!" She laughed. "Ladybug! Chat Noir! Are you willing to travel through the screen to save your darling civilians?"

"Help us, please!" Dad cried.

"Ladybug, Chat Noir!" Chloé whined. "I beg you, save my jacket!"

You can really see the priorities between the rich and the poor. Luckily, the two superheroes popped into the subway to save the day.

"Ugh, finally, what took you so long?" Chloé complained. "Hurry up and get me out of this underground nightmare!"

I may or may not have shoved her over.

"Whoa!" Chloé fell on her face. "John, that was you! I know it was!"

"You're about to be the stars of the highest rated show in all of TV history!" Prime Queen cackled.

"The akuma must be in that watch!" Ladybug gasped. "I'll deal with Prime Queen."

"I'll deal with the door." Chat Noir said.

Ladybug tried to attack Prime Queen, but she jumped back into the screen.

"The rules for my show are simple, admit the truth live on TV that you're dating and in love and I'll stop the train!" Prime Queen boomed, her face leering down from the screens.

"A superhero never lies!" Ladybug told her. "We won't admit to something that's not true."

"Not even for us?" Dad asked, biting his lip. "Just this once! Lie so you can save us, dammit!"

Ladybug and Chat Noir glanced at each other, faces shadowed over. Then they nodded.

"Okay, Prime Queen," Ladybug held Chat Noir's hand, which made his eyes go huge, like a real cat's. "You win. I confess, Chat Noir and I are dating, like you said. We are…" She spoke slowly, like a good pot roast, "in… love."

The train suddenly slammed on the brakes. Dad grabbed my arm, stopping me from falling over and breaking my nose. Ladybug conveniently landed on Chat Noir's chest like some kind of anime.

"Our two heroic lovebirds are saving their fans' life by admitting their true feelings," Prime Queen gushed, the rating meter going almost off the charts beside her. "Our viewers are going crazy! But, our TV ratings haven't maxed out yet. You must do better!"

"Then come and join us, Prime Queen," Ladybug said. "You're the host and the star of the show after all. Then you'll have your ratings."

"My show, my rules, Ladybug!" Prime Queen scowled. "To prove that your feelings are genuine, you're going to have to take off your masks, which means you must both give me your Miraculous!"

"Not a chance, Prime Queen!" Ladybug shook her head.

"Wait, I know how we can prove our feelings," Chat Noir grabbed Ladybug's shoulders, and leaned in. "Pucker up!"

I cringed and looked away. Dad rolled his eyes at me.

"Not a chance, kitty." Ladybug pushed Chat Noir's face away. Prime Queen frowned with disappointment, and the screen switched off.

"Is the show over?" Chat Noir asked.

"I hope so," Dad muttered to me. "Maybe we can finally get off this crazy-"

All of the sudden, a creepy, glowing hand grabbed my shoulder, almost crushing it. With a huge tug, it jerked me backwards.

"Dad!" I shouted.

"HEY!" Dad cried, leaning towards me. "LADYBUG! CHAT NOIR!"

But it was too late. I was dragged into a screen, everything going white. When the white cleared, I was still tied up, in complete darkness. There was this really weird, musky smell all around me. I couldn't help but whimper. I swear I was having a fever dream or something.

"My dear viewers, you are in for the reveal of a lifetime!" I heard Prime Queen's voice booming outside. Then my prison opened; I was trapped inside a sarcophagus, inside the Louvre museum. I got flashbacks to the time I almost got sacrificed to bring a character from One Piece into the real world.

"Get me outta here!" I yelled, struggling like an idiot.

"Oh, Johnathan Couture, always around Ladybug and Chat Noir," Prime Queen cackled. "Surely you must have a special connection with them!" She grinned, wickedly. "Next trial, your Miraculous! Or else your biggest fan will be mummified!"

I wasn't sure whether to feel terrified about potentially being mummified or offended by being referred to as Ladybug and Chat Noir's 'biggest fan'.

The sarcophagus closed, trapping me in the musky darkness once again. Prime Queen kicked me over, causing me to bang my head against the walls.

"The time has come to push those ratings sky high!" I heard Prime Queen boom. "Let's try this again. Remove your Miraculous and reveal your true selves! The whole world is watching you!"

Then Prime Queen picked the sarcophagus up, causing me to bang my head _again_. Seriously, these villains have no common decency whatsoever.

"There's no use looking for a way out!" Prime Queen cackled. I heard her snap her fingers. "Unless, you want to see your biggest fan in deep water."

I was about to complain about the biggest fan comment, when I heard the sound of rushing water. I gulped. I had a pretty bad feeling about what that was.

"Hurry up, you two," Prime Queen taunted. "Don't wanna keep your audience waiting."

The rushing water was getting louder. I realised that I really needed to take a leak.

"Hurry up, she's about to push John in the water!" I heard Chat Noir shout from… somewhere. Pun intended, I was pretty in the dark about everything.

"One minute!" Ladybug answered.

"That's too long!" Chat Noir exclaimed.

"Listen to the cat," Prime Queen agreed, pushing me further towards my watery doom.

"Voilà!" Ladybug gasped.

"What's happening?" Prime Queen demanded. I felt the same way. I also wished my sarcophagus had a toilet because I was seriously busting at this point.

"Fine, you win, Prime Queen," Ladybug declared. "We'll remove our Miraculous. The whole world will see us without our masks!"

" _And_ we're about to kiss!" Chat Noir agreed. "Shame you're missing it!"

 _There's no way she'll fall for that, but I honestly couldn't care less_ , I thought. _I just need a bathroom, now._

"If you're lying, you're going to regret it." Prime Queen growled. I had to admit, Prime Queen was one of the more gullible villains I'd seen. Then a few seconds later, I heard her shouting, and some more fighting nonsense going on. I had never been so confused and annoyed in my life.

"MIRACULOUS LADYBUG!"

All of the sudden, I was back in the living room with my dad, sitting on the couch. He gasped, then pulled me in for a tight hug.

"What the…?" I blinked. My head was spinning, and I still needed to pee.

"Oh, John, thank God you're safe," Dad breathed out in relief. "I thought you were going to drown!"

"I don't think I'll die that easily, I'm afraid," I groaned.

Dad sighed heavily, leaning back against the couch. We sat in an awkward silence for a while.

"Well," Dad crossed his arms. "I don't think we'll be watching anything together for a while."

"Probably not," I agreed. "But in case we do… let's watch something good next time."


	20. The duel of unfairness

I think I've mentioned this before, but I don't believe in superstition. I know that might sound ironic considering how much crap I get myself pulled into. Surely some kind of evil force must be at work for me to get screwed over so much, right?

I mean, I _wish_ that was the case. Then I would have something to point the blame at. But instead it's just how my life is. And I can't really go around changing fate, as much as I want to. So it looks like it's the gutter for me.

I got another great example of this shitiness when I met Kagami Tsurugi.

Just because it's me, I'm sure you've already gathered that Miss Tsurugi and I didn't exactly get off to a great start. I mean, it's not like she was Chloé and acted like a piece of crap for no reason, or Lila and her antisocial personality disorder. She was more like… she tried to kill me straight off the bat. Even though that does happen _a lot_ with me. What was different, however, was that she also thought I had superpowers for some reason. (Or maybe I do have them, considering my bad luck…)

Let's back-track a little. So I was having a normal afternoon, taking my dog Piss for a walk through the Place des Vosges. It was a lovely normal day, of course. Suddenly, Piss needed to, uh, piss, so we had to make a pit stop, nearby a tree. I looked away and let him do his business.

All of a sudden a girl walked by me. She gave me Zoro-energy: by that, I mean you knew she meant business just by looking at her. She seemed to be Japanese, with sharp yellow-brown eyes, and short dark blue hair swept to the left. She wore a white, long-sleeved blazer with black outlines. On the top right of her chest was an attached logo with some kanji on it. Underneath, she wore a black collared blouse with many gold buttons. She wore a red patterned skirt and black leggings, with some more crests thrown in. A deadly-looking saber was attached to her hip.

As I said before, the girl was kind of freaking me out, so I tried to ignore her. But of course, she turned to stare at me, eyes piercing my soul. Cue awkward silence.

"You…" she spoke. "Are you… a friend of Adrien Agreste?"

That question was enough to snap me back into reality. As you guys know, I don't usually don't respond well to questions about Adrien Agreste and/or Marinette Dupain-Cheng, especially in regards to my relationships with them.

"No," I answered.

"I have a feeling you're lying, Johnathan Couture," the girl said.

 _Oh piss off_ , I thought, pun not related to my dog in any way. _People can tell when I'm 'lying' but they can't figure out the true identities of… you know what, forget it. Why am I even surprised by these people anymore? Also, how does everyone and their grandmother somehow know my name?!_

"Well, I _know_ the guy," I admitted. "Doesn't necessarily mean we're friends."

"Are you sure?" the girl asked. "He spoke quite highly of you."

I didn't even know how to react to that.

"What, are you friends with Adrien?" I asked instead.

"Not exactly," the girl replied. "In fact, he's my sparring partner." She grimaced. "One who defeated me."

 _Oh yeah,_ I thought. _Doesn't Adrien do fencing or some shit?_

I had the sudden realisation that Adrien was somehow smarter as himself than he was as Chat Noir. Figure that one out.

"Uh, that sucks, I guess…" I dug my hands in my pockets. "Could you… maybe, battle him again?"

"There's no such thing as a second chance in my family," she replied. Her expression darkened. "But that doesn't mean I can't have revenge."

Then, she literally got akumatized right in front of me. I'm serious. The akuma popped out of flipping nowhere and flew into her ring, covering her in a dark energy. I took a few big steps back and held up my arms, seeing her new form. Her skin was sliver and her eyes were blood-red. She wore a silver helmet with angular sides and a red circle on the center of the forehead with the kanji on it. Her body outfit was silver armor, with silver high-heel shoes. Her right hand seemed to be holding a sword-like extension with a triangular guard and a red circle bearing the kanji again.

"Not again…" I sighed.

"I am Riposte!" she declared, waving her saber in the air. "And since you're a close friend of Adrien… I'll take on you first, Johnathan Couture!"

"What?!" I demanded, falling on my ass. "I don't know how to duel! And Adrien's _not_ my friend!"

Riposte pointed her saber at my neck, grinning evilly. Piss began barking at her, standing in front of me.

"Stupid dog," Riposte grumbled. She slashed her saber, sending him flying. He yelped like a puppy, crashing into a tree. And that snapped me out of my stupor.

"Hey," I growled, standing up. "You don't fucking mess with my dog." I called her something extremely rude in French. Then I realised how stupid that was, considering she had a deadly weapon, and I didn't. So after that masterful insult, I turned and ran, racing through the Place des Vosges.

"Don't you run from me!" Riposte shouted. She leaped into the air, landing right in front of me.

 _Dammit_ , I thought. _Where are those bloody heroes when you need them?!_

"Why are you trying to duel me and not Adrien?!" I roared. "Isn't he the one who defeated you or whatever?!"

"I've lost track of Adrien, but…" she smirked. "He's your friend. As long as you're around, he'll show up as well."

To be fair, that was probably the smartest thing any one of those idiots had actually ever said.

"But I can't fight you," I told her. "I don't know how to duel. It's not fair."

"You have other powers," Riposte told me, cocking her brow. "I've seen them." She chuckled. "That's the other reason why I want to fight _you_ , Mr. Couture. I want to battle someone strong."

"Excuse me?" I asked. "What powers? My horrible bad luck?"

"You have the powers to slice up cars with your bare hands," she told me, swinging her saber. "You can move even faster than those heroes. You can jump from building to building. You're a superhuman!"

 _What the Hell…?_ I thought. _Since when can I do that?!_

"You've got the wrong guy," I shook my head. "I can't do all that stuff."

"Yes you can," Riposte pointed her sword at my neck again. "I saw you in the streets, Johnathan Couture! Just before I fought Adrien. All of those powers and more. Don't hide them from me."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I raised a brow. "I don't have any powers."

Riposte gritted her teeth in frustration. "Are you brain dead?!"

Oh, the irony…

"Come on!" Riposte nearly sliced my head off out of pure frustration. "Don't lie to me! Show me your powers!"

Just as I was about to die for no real reason, a familiar yoyo wrapped itself around Riposte's sword-arm thing. It pulled, but it didn't come off.

"It's attached on there?" Ladybug asked, raising her brow. She landed nearby me.

"Hold on one moment, Johnathan," Riposte turned to Ladybug. "I need to deal with this little pest."

"Take all the time you need," I muttered, standing up. Riposte and Ladybug began fighting, shouting about the aforementioned defeat involving Adrien or whatever. Who cares. Meanwhile, your old pal John had a lot of things on his mind.

 _What the Hell was she talking about with all those powers?_ I thought. _I don't have any powers… did she mistake me for someone else? Do I have a super-powered doppelganger running around or something?_

I decided to sneak out of there while Riposte and Ladybug continued their duel. I ran over to Piss' body near the tree. Luckily, he was still alive, although he was panting heavily. My lip quivered.

"It's gonna be okay, buddy," I told him with my, uh, gentle voice, helping him stand up. "Come on. Let's go home."

Pistache whimpered painfully. I wasn't a vet or anything, but it seemed like he'd sprained his ankle. I flinched. I wasn't going to let him walk on that.

"Alright," I sighed, picking up my beloved but kind of fat French bulldog, "I'll help."

So there I was, running through Paris while carrying Piss like a baby. And let me tell you, that was the workout of all workouts. I think I was going to have to tell Mom to put him on a diet. And take him to the vet, of course. At least I could say I'd ran a marathon.

"Ugh, your breath stinks…" I looked down at his cute little face. "Do dogs take breath mints?"

He whimpered at me, making me feel bad again. Yeah, honestly, Piss got on my nerves a lot. I was more of a cat guy to be honest. But I still loved the stupid dog to pieces. Trust me, if I'd actually had fighting skills or any of those aforementioned powers, I would've beat the crap out of Riposte. Sadly, I wasn't that guy. All I could do was run home with my dog.

But of course, as I was walking through the busy streets of Paris, people giving me weird looks, you'll never guess who I ran into, limping down the street.

"John!" Adrien said, wearing what I was assuming was his fencing gear, judging by the saber attached to his hip. He gritted his teeth, nearly tripping over.

"You okay?" I asked, helping him steady, holding Piss with one arm.

"Yeah, uh, I'm looking for someone," Adrien told me. "Have you seen a Japanese girl with short, wavy hair and a white blazer?"

"In fact I have," I grunted. "Place des Vosges."

"Oh, thank you so much, John," Adrien smiled at me. He stared at Piss. "Is your dog okay?"

"Sprained his ankle," I told him. "By the way, the Japanese girl's been akumatized. She's going to try and kill you."

"I see," Adrien grimaced. "Her name's Kagami Tsurugi, by the way. Her family's been training in fencing for years, so I suppose it makes sense." He sighed. "Keep an eye out. I'll see you later, John."

He ran off, grunting as he limped again. I guess Piss wasn't the only one who sprained his ankle. Speaking of Piss…

 _Ugh, home's so far from here_ , I thought. _I can't run all the way. I'll melt into a pool of idiot loser. Screw it, I'm texting Avril. She'll be home._

I pulled out my phone. I could've called her, but… I don't like calling people, so I decided to just text her instead. I sat down on a bench near a shop, letting Piss sit beside me. He panted up at me, looking pretty cute I suppose. It was a nice day at least, people walking by, still giving me weird looks. I don't mention it much, or maybe you've got the wrong impression, but I do love Paris a lot. I suppose I'm really _really_ biased, but it's definitely the best city in the world, even if I can't stand half the people who live here.

But anyway, back to Piss. I texted Avril what was going on. She handled the situation well. And by well I mean not well.

_Avril: MY BABY SPRAINED HIS ANKLE?! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU JOHNATHAN_

So I had someone scarier than Riposte to worry about. Lucky me.

 _Well, I hope Riposte and the heroes keep their battle in the Place des Vosges_ , I thought. _Knowing my luck… they won't, but for Piss' sake… just leave me alone this one goddamn time._

Then something... weird caught my eye. I saw a guy across the street who kind of looked like me. It was only for a second, so maybe I was imagining things, but I don't know… the guy did look exactly like me. But he disappeared as soon as he came, like a shadow or something.

 _What the Hell is going on?_ I thought, slapping myself in the face. _I swear I'm losing my mind… that, or I've been high this whole time and blissfully unaware._

I petted Piss to try and calm down. "Do you think I'm going crazy, boy?"

He drooled all over the bench as a response.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," I sighed.

 _Wait_ , I frowned. _That guy I just saw, if he's actually real, then what the Hell is he? A supervillain? Another hero? A bad cosplayer? Where did he come from…? Man, I hope he's just an illusion or trick of the light…_

Riposte had mentioned superpowers. And for a second, I did kind of wish I was the guy she was speaking of. I wanted to be able to jump from building to building, slice up cars, or whatever else he did. It would've made it easier for me to run away. And carry my overweight smelly dog. Heck, maybe I would've even won a match of Ultimate Mecha Strike III against Max, or finally finish sewing my scarf.

 _I really am losing my mind_ , I thought. _Come on Avril, hurry up before-_

"AH HA!"

Of course, just my luck. Ladybug, Chat Noir, and Riposte came flying down the street. Both the superheroes were combating her long saber, going back and forth. As usual, they came dangerously close to nearly decapitating me.

 _Maybe I should pick up fencing_ , I thought, shrivelling into the bench. _Then I'll have something to protect myself with._ I frowned. _Though there's no way in Hell I'm going to a fencing class with Adrien._

All I could do was protectively hold my arms in front of Piss. The sprained ankle was enough, thank you very much. Then of course, Chat Noir flew towards me. He crashed into the bench, and would've tipped it over if Piss and I weren't sitting there. He brushed himself off, using the bench to pull himself up. His leg wobbled.

"Oh, hey, pal," he grinned at me.

_I swear if he calls me pal one more time-_

"What are you doing here?" he asked, his weird cat ear things twitching. Were those things real or fake? "It's dangerous. You should be going home."

The urge to punch him in the face was so fucking hard to resist. Listen, I was not in the mood, okay?

"I'm waiting for someone," I ground out.

"Here, of all places?" he asked.

"It's not my fault you decided to bring your little spat here," I uttered.

Chat Noir chuckled, holding out his staff. His bad leg wobbled. "I guess so."

Something about him was really rubbing me the wrong way. I was in one of my 'dangerous salty' moods, which was bad news for everyone. Another side of me emerged from my psyche.

"Hey," I stared at his leg. "Y'know what's funny?"

"What is?" he asked.

"Someone I know quite well, Adrien Agreste, also has a sprained ankle," I told him. "Pretty big coincidence, huh, Chat Noir?"

Chat Noir went pale. "Oh, uh, yeah! Ahaha!"

I was about to say something else, but Riposte was racing towards us, saber out. A sneer was on her face.

"Johnathan Couture!" she roared, eyes on me. "I heard you mention Adrien Agreste! Where is he?"

 _Up your ass,_ I almost said. Instead, I blurted,

"Louvre Museum," I stuttered.

"Louvre Museum…" Riposte tapped her chin. "Of course, that makes sense."

Honestly, why was I even surprised to be relieved. Somehow these people continued to subvert my expectations.

"Ah, John!" Ladybug hissed at me, waving her arms. "Why would you say that?! It's full of people!"

"It's the first place I thought of…" I chuckled nervously.

 _Plus, I want you idiots getting out of my hair_ , I groaned internally.

"We aren't done yet, Johnathan," Riposte glared at me, the damn Zoro knockoff. "I'll be back for you in the future. You can't keep your powers a secret forever."

"What powers?" I demanded, but she was already leaving, using her sword to zoom down the street.

 _Joke's on her, if I had powers, I wouldn't be keeping them a secret,_ I smirked to myself.

"Ugh," Ladybug groaned. "We can't let her go to the Louvre, there's too many people! We have to stop her!"

Chat Noir nodded in agreement. Then he turned to me.

"What did she mean by powers?" he asked, brow raised.

"Heck if I know," I shrugged. "I think she got me mixed up with some other guy."

"Some other guy?" Ladybug asked, gasping. "That must mean there's someone with super powers running around. They could be an akumatized villain."

"How do you know that?" I asked. "You guys have superpowers and you aren't bad guys."

"You're right, but that doesn't mean they're not an akumatized villain," Ladybug shook her head. "But we can't worry about that now. Come on, Chat Noir, we have to stop Riposte!"

She swung her yoyo, using it to propel herself forward. She was gone in seconds.

But it seemed Chat Noir wasn't done with me.

"John…" he raised his brow.

"Look, you have to go," I crossed my arms. "Ladybug's waiting for you."

"Right, right," he shook his head, holding out his staff. He looked over his shoulder. "When we were fighting back in the Place des Vosges, Riposte talked about you there. Something about you having the power to slice up cars."

"Yeah, look, I really think she's talking about a different guy," I told him. "Honestly, I wish I had powers, but I don't."

Chat Noir shrugged. "Yeah." He put his staff over his shoulder. "I'll see ya later, John. Stay safe."

 _Please no_ , I sighed, watching him follow Ladybug. _I honestly never want to see you again, but here we are, I suppose._

Piss whimpered at me. Considering how much crap _my_ legs had been through helping me run away from stuff, I felt bad for the fella.

I leaned against the bench. _Ugh, Avril, hurry the Hell up…_

Then I saw him again. It was in the corner of my eye, but it was undoubtedly him, my doppelganger, the guy that had superpowers. Once again, it was only for a second, but he was closer this time. But as soon as I blinked, he was gone again.

 _I really am losing my mind…_ I groaned.

No. I couldn't keep passing it off as a hallucination. If the Butterfly man was real, maybe this guy was too.

So I stood up, narrowing my eyes at the alleyway across the road. _Come on, you idiot, don't hide from me._

But of course, all I got were more weird looks from strangers. I slumped back into the bench.

 _Forget it_ , I sighed, patting Piss again. _A watched pot never boils. He'll show up again when I'm not ready._

"JOHNATHAN COUTURE."

Oh shit biscuits. I sat right up, facing Avril standing above me, arms folded across her chest. Holy crap, she was way scarier than my mom when she got mad. Sorry Mom. She made Riposte look like nothing.

"Hello," I tried to smile.

"What did you do to him?" Avril asked, like she was going to freaking stab me or something. She clutched Piss protectively.

"Look, he got caught up in an akuma attack," I told her, slinking back. "But we can take him to the vet, right?"

"An akuma attack?" Avril clasped her hands together. "Hmm… why didn't you protect him?"

"I tried, Avril," I spat. "But I'm not some superhero. I can't save everyone."

Avril breathed out. "Oh, you're right. Sorry, John, you know how I feel about my children getting in danger." She picked up Piss. "Come on, let's go to the vet."

I followed her down the streets, trying to forget about the guy I saw. For now.


	21. Detroit: Don't Become Human

So I've mentioned Max Kante before. As you all know, the guy was pretty smart… academically, anyway.

As well as being an epic gamer, he also happened to be an inventor. Occasionally, he told me about his inventions. Sometimes even showed me them. They were pretty impressive, I'll admit. The guy had some serious talent. But the invention that really caught my attention was a sentient robot he created.

Yeah, really. Not like the androids in Detroit: Become Human, but close enough.

So, I was at the Trocadéro, one of my favourite places in Paris, despite all the pigeons. I sat on the steps. Max soon came over, backpack over his shoulders.

"Ah, Johnathan, good to see you," he sat down beside me.

"Yo," I nodded to him. "What've you got for me?"

"Can I come out now?" his… backpack…? asked.

"Yes you can," Max nodded at his backpack. "Johnathan, meet Markov, my best friend."

He opened the lid of his backpack. A cute little robot flew out, hovering beside my head using a little propeller. It was about the size of a baseball with a blue and grey body. It had a transparent blue tactile sensor, a gray face with a button that had a blue heart engraved on it, a turquoise screen that had two black dots which resembled eyes, and two blue ear-like round sections on its sides that had a white outline.

"Hello, Johnathan," Markov turned to me, waving its weird arm thing. "My name is Markov. It's nice to meet you. Max has told me a lot about you."

"Uh, yeah, same to you," I replied. I turned to Max. "Pretty cool. So, is it like a mini Alexa or something?"

"Not exactly," Max shook his head. "He's the most highly-evolved type of robot there is! He can do anything from fixing viruses on your computer to basic maths!"

"Oh, that is pretty cool," I said.

"See this," Max held out a flash drive.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Max and I created it," Markov told me. "This flash drive neutralizes a hundred percent of computer viruses!"

"Huh, really?" I asked.

"I took a video," Max held out his phone. "Watch."

He pressed play on the screen. The screen showed what looked like a science lab in Collège Françoise Dupont. That principal guy and… the science teacher, I guess… were standing at the front of the classroom. Behind them was a large computer screen, attached to a laptop. Piles of data were disappearing rapidly.

" _It's destroying all the school data!_ " the principal shouted. " _It's a disaster!_ " He turned to Max. " _How many seconds do you say we have left?_ "

" _Only sixty-five_ ," Max replied from his desk. The phone camera was near his face, so we got a little too personal with him if I do say so myself…

" _Let him try_ ," the principal said.

" _Unnh! Where is it?_ " Max scoured through his bag.

" _I believe this is what you're looking for?_ " an arm popped out of the bag, holding up the flash drive.

" _Oh, thanks,_ " Max took the flash drive, adjusting his glasses like a smart anime character. " _This is an anti-virus device I–I created it with help from… my best friend._ "

Markov flew out of the bag, floating near Max's head. " _Hello. My name is Markov._ " He turned to Max. " _We can fix this, Max!_ "

Max plugged the flash-drive into the school's computer. " _This flash drive neutralizes a hundred percent of the virus!_ "

" _And cleans the computer's hard disk at the same time!_ " Markov added.

" _Oh, fascinating!_ " the principal gushed.

I glanced at the computer screen. Somehow, the flash-drive managed to purge the virus. The students in the background cheered.

Max and Markov shared what I guess was a fist-bump. " _Nailed it!_ "

The video switched off. Max turned to me, brow raised.

"What do you think?" he asked me.

"Wow, that thing's really cool," I looked at Markov. "You should sell it. You'd make a shit-ton of money."

"Sell me?!" Markov demanded. "I'm not a product!"

"Inconceivable!" Max agreed. "I could never sell Markov! He's my best friend!"

"He's a robot, dude," I shrugged. "You can just make another one."

"I'm not 'just a robot'," Markov went up to my face, narrowing his… eyes... "I'm Max's best friend!"

"He's as emotionally intelligent and sensitive as any human being, Johnathan!" Max added. "He's a unique individual. I can't 'make' another robot like him; he's special."

"Oh, come on," I made a face. "Robots can't feel emotions, dude. You programmed him to say all that stuff."

"Johnathan, I can assure you that I truly love Max," Markov told me, hearts briefly appearing in his eyes.

"Cute… but I don't buy it," I leaned forward, causing the robot to back-up a little. "You're just a really good programmer, Max."

"I swear to you I did not program him to say any of that stuff!" Max argued. "Ever since I created him he's integrated his own accumulative thinking system! And he's developed all our emotions just like any human being!"

"What, are you bringing forth the robot takeover now?" I asked, raising my brow.

"I would never," Markov shook his head. "I wouldn't want to hurt Max!"

"Of course," I sighed. I glanced at my phone. "Look, I've gotta go. My mom wants me to babysit my step-sisters."

Max breathed out. "Very well. I shall see you later, Johnathan."

"Bye, Johnathan," Markov waved at me, something like sadness in his voice. "I hope we can get on better next time!"

"As if I could connect with a robot," I grunted.

I walked off, making my way down the stairs. Maybe I was being an asshole, but I don't know, I just couldn't wrap my head around a robot being truly sentient. It was a robot, after all. Max was supposed to be the smart one. Surely he of all people would get it.

Or maybe the idea of sentient robots scared me. Either way, I didn't care for Markov.

 _Hope the damn robot won't get akumatized_ , I thought. _Eh, what the Hell. A robot couldn't get akumatized. Right?_

* * *

Of course I was wrong.

So yet another crappy day started with me sitting on my couch at home, my step-sisters watching another horrendous show on that KIDZ+ channel. Oh well, better than annoying me, I suppose.

"Going upstairs," I told the two, standing up. "Don't do anything stupid."

They gave me innocent grins. "We won't!"

"I'm serious," I warned them. "If I see a single cookie missing from the cookie jar, you're going to get grounded so freaking hard."

I walked away, heading upstairs. I went into my room, pulling out my laptop. And you'll never guess what I did. That's right, I… began playing video games. I was actually supposed to be working on knitting a new scarf, but of course I was procrastinating. It was taking freaking forever and my fingers hurt. I just didn't feel like it, okay?

So I laid on my soft bed. It was a nice day outside, a perfect day to go outside, but I wasn't doing that. I switched on my laptop, breathing out.

Then something weird happened. I peeked out the window, and saw this big green wave of energy coming flying towards me. Before I could react, it passed right through me. And then… nothing happened. I went right back to my day.

JUST KIDDING! My fucking laptop came to life.

I shrieked, falling over as my laptop folded over, standing on its backside. It began chomping its lid like the hippos from Hungry Hungry Hippos. It inched towards me, the snapping lid getting closer and closer.

 _For Pete's sake_ , I thought. _I'm about to get killed by a sentient laptop…_

Then I heard the demon twins screaming downstairs, as well as something banging around. I cursed, getting up. I raced out of my room, slamming the door shut. My laptop kept banging on the other side, trying to break through. I swear my life was actually a goddamn horror film.

I raced downstairs, and nearly tripped over when I saw what was going on. The TV had come to life and was flying around the room, chasing the twins. It would've been funny if they weren't screaming bloody murder. (Okay, it was still a _little_ funny, I'll admit.)

Then the fridge crashed through the wall like the Kool Aid man, flying towards me.

"Get back," I held out my hands in the world's worst defensive position. I inched down the stairs, getting to the bottom floor. The fridge charged towards me like a bull. I lunged out of the way. The fridge just missed me, crashing into another wall. I breathed out in relief. Then I started having an existential crisis over the fact that I just fought a fridge.

"JOHNNY!" My sisters screaming dragged me out of my thoughts.

I scoured around, grabbing a broomstick. I raced towards the demon twins, getting in front of them. The TV approached me, so I shoved it back with the broomstick. Unfortunately, it got right back up again.

"Screw it," I turned to the twins. "We're getting out of here."

_THUMP. THUMP. THUMP._

"What was that?!" Mardi gasped, the ground shaking her body.

"An earthquake?" Lucetta asked, holding onto her sister.

"Doesn't feel like an earthquake," I raised my brow. "It feels more like… like huge footsteps."

_CRACK_

I looked up. The roof was falling apart. The walls and plaster cracked; I felt the whole house groan. Then I realised… the roof was being lifted off. The twins screamed, clinging onto me. I clung onto them back.

The roof was entirely removed, giving us a good view of the sky. And the monster right above us.

It was a huge amalgamation of different vehicles. I spotted a bus, some cars, a tractor I think, and a crane. All together, they formed Voltron - I mean a giant excavator. A giant excavator being controlled by…

"Max…?!" My eyes went wide, noticing my friend in the higher part of the excavator.

All of the sudden, the excavator came down, reaching right for me. The twins screamed again.

"Nope," I grumbled. I grabbed my step-sisters, leading them away from the giant claw. It snapped, nearly picking up all three of us.

 _Why does this have to happen to me?_ I groaned internally.

"YOU CANNOT RUN FROM ME, JOHNATHAN." the excavator boomed. Of course, the voice was familiar. But it wasn't Max.

"Markov?!" I shouted.

The claw reached for us again. I lunged out of the way, just by the skin of my teeth.

"Run," I told my step-sisters.

They turned to run away, but a bunch of cars showed up out of nowhere, ploughing through the house, engines revving dangerously. We were surrounded. And it seemed the house was going to fall apart at any moment, which was great news for us (not).

"Fine, you can take me, Markov," I yelled up at the excavator. "But leave my step-sisters alone!"

"I AM ROBOSTUS," the excavator replied. Its claw reached down, scooping me up. I banged my head on its interior, getting another ugly mark on my face. It brought me up into the air, letting me see who was driving the damn thing. I saw a disgruntled-looking Max and an edgy-looking Markov sitting in a little cabin-like thing. The robot was wearing a red and black colour scheme with glowing green eyes.

 _Holy shit, robots really can get akumatized_ , my eyes went wide. _That means… Markov really does have emotions._

"What do you want with me?!" I demanded.

"YOU TRIED TO GET MAX TO SELL ME!" Robostus boomed. "THAT WAS YOUR MISTAKE! MAX AND I WILL NEVER BE SEPARATED!"

"You think Max wants you to be some kind of super-villain?!" I demanded. Max shrivelled down, biting his lip.

"I'M DOING THIS FOR OUR FRIENDSHIP!" Robostus shouted.

He hung me up by the hood on the remaining bits of the roof. I was way too above ground for my taste; the ground seemed miles away. My legs dangled dangerously. Sweat pooled down my face.

"No!" Max gasped. "Markov, you cannot do this to him! He doesn't deserve it! Plus, I'm sure he is able to apologise!"

"HE _DESERVES_ IT FOR GETTING IN BETWEEN OUR FRIENDSHIP!" Robostus boomed.

"Robostus, hey, I was wrong about you!" I told him. "I thought you didn't have emotions, but now I see I was wrong about you!"

"See?" Max asked. "He apologised! So help him down!"

"HE'S NOT BEING SINCERE!" Robostus roared.

"No, I am," I put a hand on my chest, trying to calm my breathing. "I'm serious, Robostus. I'm really sorry about how I was treating you."

My voice sounded like a goose in a blender, but could you blame me? My hood was losing fraction on the roof.

"Markov, please, he's being sincere," Max turned to his friend. "Help him down!" He made a face. "I'm asking you this as your friend!"

"I… I CAN'T!" Robostus growled.

And then I fell. I plummeted towards the ground, air rushing by me. That was until a yo-yo wrapped around me, bringing me to safety. Ladybug placed me at the front of my destroyed house.

"I think someone's glitched a little too hard!" Chat Noir taunted, holding out his staff.

I heard Robostus cackle. "LADYBUG AND CHAT NOIR, JUST WHERE I WANT YOU!"

The excavator reached down, trapping both superheroes in its clutches, Chat Noir head first, so his ass was sticking out. It held them high above my destroyed house.

 _Are you kidding me?_ I groaned.

"NOW YOU ARE AT MY MERCY!" Robostus taunted.

 _Come on, that's gotta be the dumbest thing you two have ever done,_ I shook my head. _But whatever… this is my fault. Markov is angry because of people like me. I have to fix this mess._

"Hey, Markov," I spoke up, stepping forward. "Leave Chat Noir and Ladybug out of this. I'm the one you want. _I'm_ the one who insulted you."

"No, John!" Ladybug cried.

"NOT ANYMORE," Robostus' voice shook me to the core. "I'M GOING TO TAKE THEIR MIRACULOUS SO MAX AND I WILL NEVER BE SEPARATED AGAIN! THEN I'LL BE ABLE TO MAKE MY WISH COME TRUE!"

"Wish?" Max and I both asked.

"I WANT TO BE A REAL HUMAN LIKE YOU, MAX!" Robostus turned to Max. Ouch, my poor heart.

"What's this about making a wish?" Ladybug asked.

Chat Noir wiggled his butt around. "Doesn't Hawk Moth usually demand the Miraculous?"

A groan sounded from the excavator. A bunch of mini-helicopters and mini-steam shovel toys moved in, reaching for the heroes' miraculouses.

"No!" Max pleaded. "Stop!"

"HEY," I took a few steps forward, gazing up the mecha. "This is my house you're ruining here, so you listen to me!"

"LOOK, MAX!" Robostus sounded so happy, ignoring me. "I'M GOING TO BE A REAL HUMAN IN FIFTY THREE SECONDS!"

 _This really is the robot uprising_ … I sighed. _Also, can the Miraculous really grant wishes? Man, all the things I could wish for..._

I shook my head. Time to focus. I clambered over to Ladybug and Chat Noir. I got onto the excavator, kicking some of the toys away.

"YOU AGAIN?" Robostus glared down at me. "I'LL DESTROY YOU, JOHNATHAN!"

"You destroyed my house, you messed with Pairs' superheroes, and you've trapped my friend," I growled. Then I frowned, bowing my head. "And it's all my fault. That's why I have to fix this mess."

I approached the towering mecha. On the side I saw a large switch in a cabin. A large switch that connected to the claw that was holding Ladybug and Chat Noir.

"DON'T YOU DARE!" Robostus boomed.

I rolled up my sleeves. I raced over to the excavator, climbing into the little cabin with the switch. It was the most exercise I'd done in a while. I grabbed the switch, pulling it down. The claw opened, releasing Chat Noir and Ladybug.

"YOU'LL REGRET THAT!" Robostus roared. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE SORRY!"

"Y'know, being human means sometimes, you have to make hard choices," I argued. "... Just like Max did when he actually decided to be my friend."

"John…" I heard Max's quivering voice. "He's right, Markov."

"You were fine the way you were before, why'd you want to change, Markov?" I asked.

" _I_ don't want you to change," Max agreed, addressing his robot friend. "I want you to be like you were before!"

"DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE?" Robostus asked. "AREN'T WE FRIENDS?"

"If you want us to remain friends, you've got to stop this right now!" Max shouted. "I'm friends with Markov, not you!"

"I AM ROBOSTUS!" Robostus' voice shook me to the core. "AND YOU BETRAYED ME! I DON'T WANNA BE HUMAN LIKE YOU ANYMORE! HUMANS DON'T HAVE A HEART!"

Seatbelts wrapped around me, almost strangling me.

"THAT'S WHY I'M GETTING RID OF THEM!" Robostus boomed.

Ladybug held out her hand. "Lucky Charm!"

Unfortunately, the lucky charm - which was a harp - got grabbed by Robostus' excavator.

"I TOLD YOU, LADYBUG, I HAVE ANALYZED AND CALCULATED EVERYTHING!" Robostus cackled. "YOU CAN'T WIN WITHOUT YOUR LUCKY CHARM!"

The cars revved up, chasing after Ladybug. She hopped around, managing to grab Max's flash drive, which was on the ground in his school bag. I had a feeling about what she was going to do.

"Chat Noir, do your thing!" she called.

"SO PREDICTABLE!" Robostus chastised.

"Analyze this!" Chat Noir yelled, zooming towards the mecha. "Cataclysm!"

His cataclysm move caused the mecha to designate. And also me to come flying out like a rocket.

"Chat Noir, protect Max and John!" Ladybug ordered.

Chat Noir managed to grab both Max and I which was actually pretty impressive. He put us both on the ground. Without a moment's notice I ran over to Max, giving him a tight hug. Not sure what brought it on, it just felt necessary. Hugs weren't usually my thing, after all. He returned the hug, squeezing me tightly.

"Sorry," I told him.

"It's fine," Max replied, patting me on the back. "You did well, Johnathan."

Robostus flew up into the air. "You're making this hard only for yourselves, Ladybug and Chat Noir! I will always be one step ahead of you!"

"Speaking too soon is a human weakness, Robostus!" Ladybug told him. "Chat Noir!"

She chucked the harp in the air. Chat Noir also threw his staff. Robostus dodged both. I imagine if he were human, he would've been grinning evilly.

"Really?" he taunted. "Is that your last move?"

What he wasn't expecting was for the items to somehow collide and crash back down onto him, destroying his propeller. Ladybug wrapped her yo-yo around him, bringing him to the ground.

"What was that?" he demanded, green eyes glowing dangerously.

"That was wit and a little bit of luck." Ladybug winked.

"You're wrong, Ladybug," Robostus growled. "The game is still on!"

Ladybug suddenly pushed the flash drive into his 'mouth'. The virus on there took over him, causing him to malfunction. In other words, Ladybug straight up killed up the bastard.

"No more evildoing for you, little akuma," Ladybug said, capturing the akuma that flew out. "Time to de-evilize!"

As you can imagine, Ladybug saved the day and all of that. The machines went back to being… machines… and my house fixed itself. So yeah, I was standing in Mom's living room with two superheroes and Max. Awesome.

"Here's your friend," Ladybug gave Markov back to Max. Max creased his brow.

"Perhaps it's best if I don't," he shook his head.

"Everyone can feel negative emotions from time to time," Ladybug smiled at him. "It's important to accept that, and forgive. Follow your heart."

 _Ironic, since negative emotions are the things that get people akumatized, so you'd think people would want to avoid them_ , I thought. _Maybe if we just accepted negative emotions as normal, people wouldn't get akumatized._

I tried to say my thoughts out-loud, but instead I said, "Yeah, what she said."

Max turned Markov back on. The little robot's blue eyes flickered on.

"Max, my friend!" the robot gasped. "What? Where are we? What's going on?"

"You were akumatized," Max told him.

"'Akumatized'?" Markov asked. "Could you please define that word?"

Ladybug and Chat Noir laughed. After sharing a fist-bump, they took their leave.

"Well, that happened," I said.

"Hello, Johnathan," Markov seemed apprehensive. "What are you doing here?"

"This is my house," I told him.

"Ah, really?" Markov looked around. "I like your house!"

"Thanks, buddy," I coughed. "Listen, I... I'm sorry about the things I said before. I was wrong about you. You're a cool guy."

"Oh, really?" Markov whirled around my head. "I'm happy to hear that! Thank you, Johnathan!"

You know what, I had to admit, the little guy wasn't so bad after all. If robots really did take over the world, and they were like Markov, I wouldn't complain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of my personal fave episodes so I had to do this one. John is more heroic than usual in this chapter (and maybe nicer as well), but he doesn't necessarily have to be a grump 100 percent of the time. Or maybe it's because Markov is a smol bean lol.


	22. Baby, baby, baby, hell no

"Hey, baby."

Unfortunately, I wasn't flirting with anyone or snapping my fingers to make a JoJo reference. I was actually trying to get the attention of a giant baby who wanted to suck on me like a lollipop.

And it was working. The huge baby beamed down at me, reaching out his grabby hands, saliva dripping down his chin. His mouth was way too big for my liking; the creature was going to swallow me whole. But could I run fast enough?

Well, you won't find out until later. Ha! Okay, how about we backtrack a bit, find out how your pal Johnathan got himself into this mess.

So, no surprises, I'm not really a big fan of talking to people on the phone. I get… antsy when I get calls from numbers I don't recognise. So you can probably guess how I felt when I got a call from a number I didn't recognise. I was just hanging out, lying on my bed at my dad's house, sighing internally and fiddling with my hearing aid. Then my phone started ringing.

"Hello?" I picked up the call.

" _Hello, John_ ," said a vaguely familiar voice. Not Marinette or Adrien, thank the gods.

"Alya, right?" I asked. To be honest, I couldn't be bothered to ask where she got my number. That thing seemed to be everywhere at this point.

" _Yup_ ," she said. " _Hey, listen. I need a favour._ "

Of course…

"What is it?" I asked.

" _So, I'm sure you know about Marinette's… infatuation… with Adrien, right?_ " Alya asked.

"Who doesn't?" I asked.

Alya mmm-hmmed. " _Well, you see, me and the girls have got a top secret plan cooked up to set them up on a date._ "

"Marinette can't just ask him out herself?" I asked. "She could use the confidence boost."

" _No way, you know what Marinette's like_ ," Alya laughed, like she was almost sorry for Marinette. I really couldn't blame her.

"Fair enough," I grunted. I had a feeling I wouldn't get out of this one. "... What do you need my help with?"

" _Well, you see, we've got this top secret plan_ ," Alya said. " _It's called Operation: Secret Garden._ "

"Uh, go on," I raised my brow.

" _We've all been given code names based on a flower,_ " Alya said. " _For context, my code name is Tiger-Lily, Marinette's is Lotus, and Adrien's is Buttercup. Your code name will be-_ "

"Wait, hold on," I said. "Why do we need code names?"

" _Because it's top secret,_ " Alya replied. " _Anyway, your code name is Daisy._ "

"I hate that name," I grunted.

" _Too bad, Daisy,_ " Alya continued. " _Moving on, this afternoon, 'Buttercup' has a photo shoot at the Trocadéro fountains. His security guard, a.k.a. the 'Nanny', will be waiting for him in the car on the other side of the esplanade, in the 'chariot'. He's supposed to take 'Buttercup' back home after the photo shoot, except that's not gonna happen. This is where we come in. Step one: 'Rose' will have a fake 'No Parking' sign. She'll go over to-"_

"Uh, do you mean that Rose girl at your school, or is that a code name for a different person?" I asked.

"Code name for a different person," Alya sighed. "Juleka. Rose - I mean the _real_ Rose - is there too, but her code name is Tulip."

"Okay…" I furrowed my brow. "Go on."

" _So, Rose - the fake one - will put the fake sign next to the 'Nanny's chariot',_ " Alya told me. " _Step two: 'Sunflower', aka a girl named Mylène, will go find a police officer and say to him: 'Hello, Mr. Police-Officer. Oh, look! That car's parked illegally'. 'Well, you don't say! I shall enforce the law right this second! Thank you, young lady.'_ "

"Can we just drop the code names?" I asked. "They're really stupid."

" _No!_ " Alya shouted. " _Step three: No more 'Nanny'. Step four: 'Tiger-Lily' - aka me - will let us know as soon as 'Buttercup's' done with his photo shoot. But, instead of meeting up with the 'Nanny', he's gonna find… Lotus!_ "

"Who?" I asked.

Alya sighed. " _Marinette._ "

"Okay…" I coughed. "But won't Adrien - Buttercup, whatever - won't he realise the…" I sighed. "'Chariot' is gone and call his… 'Nanny'?"

" _Already got that sorted out,_ " Alya said. " _According to 'Lotus', 'Buttercup' always leaves his personal items in the car when he's on a photo shoot, even his phone!_ "

"How does Marinette know that…?" I asked.

" _That's a topic for another day_ ," Alya coughed. " _So, 'Lotus' and 'Buttercup' start chatting with each other. This is where 'Tulip' springs into action! She gives the signal to the rickshaw driver to come and park in the Nanny's car spot, then all Lotus needs to do is say to Adrien, something like, 'Since your car's not here we might as well ride home together. Hey, look! What a co-inky-dink! There's a rickshaw right here!'_ "

"I wanna kill myself," I muttered. "Listen, can you just get to the part where I come in?"

" _We're getting to that_ ," Alya huffed. " _So, 'Lotus' and 'Buttercup' get into the rickshaw. They take a really 'romantic' ride along the banks of the Seine and over the Pont des Arts bridge, where they just happen to run into André, the sweethearts' ice cream maker! And this is where you come in, Daisy._ "

"FUCKING FINALLY!" I shouted.

" _Aw, crap, my phone's running out of battery, and my sisters stole the charger,_ " Alya grumbled. " _I'll call you back later, Daisy._ "

"Are you kidding me?!" I nearly threw myself out the window.

" _Meet us at the Trocadéro fountains in two hours_ ," Alya said. " _I'll tell you what to do when you get there._ " Then she hung up.

 _Ugh..._ I sunk my face into my pillow. _I didn't even consent to this!_

* * *

So, there I was about two hours later, walking around in the Trocadéro like an idiot. Adrien was there too, getting all his photos taken on a bridge, the Eiffel Tower in the background. You know, like the model he is.

"Ah, John, there you are!" Alya came running over to me. "You're just in time! Listen, can you go over to the Pont des Artes? Like, right now?"

"Ugh, do I have to?" I asked.

Alya stared at me. "Alix is there. She'll tell you what to do."

"Alya, listen, I've been thinking about this plan," I said. "I don't think it's going to work."

"Just go!" Alya raced off. "I'll see you there!"

I groaned, heading off. I walked underneath the bridge where Adrien was modelling. As soon as he saw me, he got distracted.

"John, hey!" he waved down at me.

"Uh… hi," I waved back.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I don't even fucking know," I sighed.

My phone started ringing. I thought of a lot of bad French curse words when I recognised Alya's number. I picked up the phone.

" _Change of plans!_ " Alya almost defeaned my good ear. " _Just keep talking to Adrien! We're, uh, working things out!_ "

"I told you your plan wouldn't work," I grunted.

Alya hung up on me agan. I muttered a few more curses, making my way onto the bridge. Adrien gave me a friendly grin, chewing on a lollipop and styling his hair. His photographer didn't look quite so happy to see me.

"Shoo!" he waved his hands at me. "Adrien is busy right now!"

I took a few steps back. I found myself looking at a mother pushing a baby in a stroller, as much as I hate those little things. The baby cooed at Adrien as he waved at him. The baby had dark skin, dark brown hair, and large green eyes. He wore a white and purple striped bib.

"Lollipop! Lollipop!" the baby cooed.

"No, August," the mother shook her head. "Lollipops are not for babies. Your snack is a delicious bottle of milk."

She gave him a bottle of milk before continuing on her walk.

"All right, we're done," the annoying photographer backed off, done with all his photos. Adrien walked over to me, still grinning.

"So," he coughed. "Uh… wanna hang out?"

"Sure," I grunted.

My phone started ringing again. I had to try so hard not to throw myself into the Seine.

"What." I snapped into the phone.

" _Lead Adrien over to where the fake car sign is,_ " Alya told him. " _But make sure he doesn't walk too fast!_ "

"You want me to trip him over or something?!" I snapped.

" _Of course not_ ," Marinette's voice suddenly came in. " _Hi, John, uh, just make sure you don't walk too fast! We're still working things out!_ " She sounded like she was shouting over her shoulder. " _No, Rose! I meant the other Rose!_ "

Then of course she hung up. I dug my phone back into my pocket.

"Who was that?" Adrien asked, raising his brow.

"You really don't want to know," I sighed.

"Uh… okay," Adrien looked away.

I coughed. "So… how have you been, recently?"

"Good!" Adrien grinned at me. "I think I'm getting used to school and making a lot of friends. And what about you, John?"

"Fine, I guess," I lied. In reality, my life was a misery and I was the world's punching bag. But I didn't want to sound like some emo kid so I kept those thoughts to myself.

"That's good to hear," Adrien said, as we began walking up the stairs, making our way to the cars. "Hey, so, my father was asking about you the other day."

"Really…?" I made a face. "What did he say about me?"

Adrien grimaced. "Well…" he trailed off, eyes going wide. I soon caught wind of why; an akuma was flying towards his bodyguard as he stood near a tall, white building. Marinette was also there, her face pale.

"You're being quite stubborn today, August." the same mother from before was chastising her son. He began crying, as babies do. Honestly, why is it only kids and toddlers that get away with causing a tantrum in public? Or maybe that's a good thing. You should've seen some of the tantrums my step-sisters put me through.

"Lollipop!" August insisted. "Lollipop! Lollipop!"

The akuma flew away from Adrien's bodyguard, causing Adrien to breathe out in relief. And then the akuma began flying towards the baby's bracelet.

 _Oh hell no_ , I thought. _I am not sticking around near an akumatized baby._

I backed right up, heading towards the stairs, getting the heck out of dodge. Just as I did, I heard a scream behind me,

"My little baby!"

'Little' wasn't accurate anymore. August had become a full-on giant, around the same size as an average building, towering against the building he stood next to. His eyes were neon violet. He wore a purple mask that protected his entire head with a green object on his forehead and a pink mask covering his face. He also wore a purple one-piece bodysuit with pink sleeve cuffs and a green and purple colored bracelet on his left wrist. On the center of the bodysuit was a logo which was mostly green with a magenta outline that had a picture of a pacifier on it.

"Lollipop!" Augustus shouted. "Lollipop!"

Adrien's bodyguard was, well, a bodyguard and stood protectively in front of him. I tried to run down the stairs, but of course I tripped and fell on my ass.

The huge baby, whose name was Gigantitan now (I found out later), was stomping around, almost killing a bunch of people, including his own mother. Luckily, Marinette shoved her out of the way.

"Lollipop?!" Gigantian picked up a statue, sucking it like a pacifier. He spat it out in disgust, crying. Then his attention turned to me. "Ooh! Lollipop?!"

_No, no, please no…_

A giant, purple grabby hand reached out for me. I swear I started crying, since I actually felt a wetness on my cheeks.

"John!" Adrien came in to save the day. He grabbed my arm, dragging me out of the way at just the last second.

"Thanks…" I breathed out.

"Get out of here," Adrien told me.

"Don't have to tell me twice," I muttered, racing down the stairs. I heard the deafening cries of Gigantitan behind me.

"LOLLIPOP!" he sobbed. His steps were shaking the ground. I nearly tripped over again.

_Wait, hold on… is he chasing me?!_

The looming shadow covering me answered my question. All of the sudden I felt like I was in a horror film. My heart was racing a billion miles an hour.

 _Fuck me,_ I thought. _Am I seriously going to be killed by a giant baby?!_

"Lollipop!" he cried.

I continued running, sweat drenching my hoodie. Then I heard a sweet little bell. I gazed over my shoulder. Gigantitan had his eye on Chat Noir, who was standing on a lamp-post, ringing the bell around his neck.

"Well, you're the biggest rugrat I've ever seen." Chat Noir chuckled.

"Kitty!" Gigantitan reached out for him.

Chat Noir leaped away from his grabby hands. "Let's go splish-splash, mega-baby." He jumped on Gigantitan's forehead, before landing on the ground. "Let's get our feet nice and wet. But we can't squish anyone, okay?"

Gigantitan giggled, wobbling right on by me, headed straight to the Seine. I breathed out in relief, my heart still thumping.

 _Damn, glad I got to escape being baby food this time…_ I thought. _Now I really need to go home…_

I reached the bottom of the stairs. Ladybug (who came out of nowhere) and Chat Noir were trying to control Gigantitan as he ran around Paris, shouting about lollipops and other baby related nonsense. My legs were burning. I leaned against the stairs, wiping my sweaty brow.

I stood up. Maybe I could've used a rickshaw driver of my own. I really did not feel like walking all the way home.

All of the sudden, I saw (and felt) Gigantitan crawling towards the Eiffel Tower… because it's the Eiffel Tower, of course. Ladybug and Chat Noir were running ahead of him, trying to get him to slow down. In his wake were some destroyed cars and bits and pieces of buildings.

"Lollipop!" the baby cooed. He eargerly looked around, before spotting me… again. His eyes lit up like he'd just found… uh, a lollipop. And of course, he came crawling over to me.

 _Aw, not again…_ I nearly started crying (again), not even able to stand up properly. _Why is he so interested in me?!_

"Wow," Chat Noir popped up beside me, quick as a flash. "He really seems to like you, John."

"Well aren't you clever," I grunted.

"Maybe we can use John as a lure, since the baby likes him so much," Ladybug appeared on my other side. "John, we're trying to trap him underneath the Eiffel Tower. Then, I'll use my yo-yo strings to keep him there, like a play-pen."

"Good grief…" I grunted.

"Don't worry, you'll be fine," Chat Noir grinned at me. "We'll protect you, heroes' honour."

I didn't even say I was going to help, but there I was.

* * *

"Hey, baby."

Unfortunately, I wasn't flirting with anyone or snapping my fingers to make a JoJo reference. I was actually trying to get the attention of a giant baby who wanted to suck on me like a lollipop.

And it was working. The huge baby beamed down at me, reaching out his grabby hands, saliva dripping down his chin. His mouth was way too big for my liking; the creature was going to swallow me whole. But could I run fast enough?

"Lollipop!" he shouted.

"Lollipop's this way," I looked over my shoulder, sprinting like I was in the Olympics. "Come and get me, big guy!"

I raced towards the Eiffel Tower, a frown making its way onto my face. I had a feeling it was going to get wrecked again. Seriously, the only one unluckier than me was the Eiffel Tower. That thing got destroyed every other week.

Anyway, I made it underneath the Eiffel Tower. Gigantitan giggled, towering above me. He reached out his grabby fingers.

"Now!" Ladybug shouted. She wrapped her yo-yo string around the Eiffel Tower, creating a play pen out of one of the Wonders of the World. While Gigantitan was distracted by the yo-yo string, Chat Noir dragged me out, getting me a good distance away. I clung onto his neck like an, ahem, baby. Seriously, I was getting way too intimate with him.

"Oh no!" Ladybug gasped. The groaning from the building behind me was all I needed to know. The Eiffel Tower was collapsing AGAIN due to Gigantitan pushing on the strings.

 _Ugh_ , I thought. _It always comes back to this…_

"Hurry, Chat Noir!" Ladybug ordered. "Use your Cataclysm on his bracelet!"

"At your command, M'Lady!" Chat Noir jumped towards Gigantitan. "Cataclysm!"

Unfortunately, that only got him sent flying away with an easy shove from the baby. Meanwhile, the yo-yo string destroyed the Eiffel Tower's supports, and the entire thing came crashing down behind Gigantitan. Dammit, why couldn't it have fallen on him?!

Of course, Gigantitan turned his attention back to me, crawling once again. He reached out, screaming, "Lollipop!"

"I'm not a lollipop!" I cried, running away. "I'm, like, really really gross! You don't wanna eat me!"

"Lollipop!" Gigantitan insisted.

"Whoohoo! Super-size!"

Out of nowhere, Alya and some of her friends came riding by on a rickshaw bike. Alya was driving, her friends in the passenger seat, holding the fake No-Parking sign. Gigantitan forgot all about me, chasing after the rickshaw.

"Sorry, John!" Alya waved at me. "Hope this makes up for all the trouble!"

I fell on my ass. It certainly did, I tell you what.

Ladybug landed beside me. "Are you okay, John?"

"Never better," I muttered.

She helped me stand up, holding up some gift-wrapping paper. "I think I know how to take down this temperamental toddler."

* * *

"Who wants a nice tasty lollipop?"

Gigantitan turned to stare at me. I was next to Chat Noir and a lamp-post covered in wrapping paper.

"Lollipop!" Gigantitan reached down, grabbing the 'lollipop' from the pavement. He peeled off the wrapping, and you'll never guess what was inside.

"You've heard of the Trojan Horse," Ladybug grinned. "Now meet the Parisian lollipop!"

She charged towards Gigantitan, jumping on his bracelet. It fell on the ground, where she crushed it open. Out popped the akuma.

"Miraculous Ladybug!" Ladybug used her power to fix the poor Eiffel Tower… and the rest of Paris, of course. Sadly, my embarrassment levels were still pretty high.

I sighed. I was so done with life.

* * *

As I was leaving the Trocadero, I saw something interesting. That's right, a sentient trash can, aka myself. No, just kidding. I saw Adrien and Marinette actually talking to each other, just as Adrien was about to leave in his limousine.

"Marinette!" Adrien grinned at her. "What are you doing here?"

"I came here to do some sketching!" Marinette held out her sketch-pad. "I can't believe we've run into each other here! Hey, would you like to-?" Adrien's bodyguard honked his horn. "Hang pout? I mean, hang about? No, hag out?" She shook her head. "Oh, forget it. Better not keep your guard waiting."

"Uh, okay," Adrien walked away. He pointed to his car. "But we can take you home if you want it."

Que dramatic pause.

"No, it's okay!" Marinette sweat-beaded. "I'll take a coleslaw home. Thanks!"

"Okay… enjoy your meal, then." Adrien got in his car. "See you at school tomorrow!"

The car drove off. I sighed, rolling my eyes. Some things never changed.


	23. That time family drama went too far...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This is an original chapter based off the episode Sapotis. Hope you enjoy it! I also posted some art for this chapter on my deviantart iHateFridays, if you're interested in that...

As much as I despised getting involved with Akuma attacks, the good news was that none of my own family had actually gotten akumatized. That was an extremely awkward scenario to even think about. But of course, it was bound to happen eventually.

So, you've seen quite a bit of my demonic step-sisters. You know how annoying and bratty they can be, and how frequently they drive me up a wall. You should know that in my heart, I'm still an only child. That ain't gonna change. And you should also know, sometimes my step-sisters really got under my skin and made me do things for them, like some kind of servant. I don't think we need to go over the examples.

I honestly didn't think they could get much worse. Them nagging me all the time was a real pain in the you know what. Sometimes, I wanted to jump out the window and cry. Actually, that was all the time. No, when my step-sisters were around, I wanted to jump out the window, cry, and impale myself.

… most of the time. Sometimes, and only _sometimes_ , I guess they were okay.

So... you can only imagine how I felt when they both got akumatized. At the same time. And nearly destroyed Paris. Although I suppose that last bit isn't really all that new when it comes to akumatized villains.

Like many of these scenarios, it all started with me lying in bed, wishing I was dead. Mom came in, sighing down at me.

"Again, John?" she furrowed her brow.

"I'm tireddddd," I moaned.

"You're always tired," Mom shook her head. "You need to go out and-"

"Can I just not go out for once?" I groaned. "Every time I go out I get wrapped up in some stupid villain attack."

Mom sighed. "Well, you can't lie around all day, John. That's just lazy."

"What's wrong with being lazy every now and again?" I asked. "We all need a self-care day, right? And besides…" I looked at my pillow, biting my lip. "All you do is nag me nowadays. You don't actually spend any time with me."

Mom's mouth opened, only to turn into a frown. She sat down on the bed.

"You're right, I suppose…" she breathed out deeply. She grabbed my cheek in her palm. "Oh, John, you're growing up so fast… I can barely keep up with you. My little baby boy."

"Uh…" Yeah. I wasn't in the mood for one of those cheesy conversations.

"You know what…" Mom smiled at me. "How about we go out for a picnic, mother and son, just the two of-"

"JOHNNY!"

Of course, my step-sisters had to burst in, ruining our touching moment.

"Ah, girls," Mom frowned down at them. "You need to knock before coming into your brother's room."

 _So now you tell them?_ I groaned.

"Sorry, Mama," Mardi bowed.

"We heard you were going out," Lucetta said. "Can we come too? We're bored at home."

"Now, now, girls," Mom shook her head. "I love you both dearly, but I want this outing to be between John and I."

"Aww," my step sisters pouted.

"Maybe some other time, when your mother isn't working," Mom told them.

I breathed out in relief. I did not have the mental tolerance to put up with my sisters. As I mentioned before, I was wiped.

The grouchy demon twins left, leaving Mom and I alone.

"So… we're having the picnic right now?" I asked.

"Of course," Mom grinned. "When else would we have it?"

I sighed. "Of course."

* * *

You're probably thinking, _aw, John, you're such a mama's boy._ I'll have you know I didn't actually see my mom a whole lot. Or maybe you already know that. Whatever.

Judge me all you want but I was kind of looking forward to the picnic. Yeah, I know, I'm a loser. But I'm a loser who respects his mom.

And because it was such a normal and happy thing to do, surely nothing could go wrong, right?

Heh. You know me well enough to know that even I wasn't expecting it to go smoothly.

That's why I had my phone on hand, ready to, ahem, 'tip off' certain superheroes if things got messy. But for a moment, I didn't want to worry about that. Mom and I were at the Place des Vosges, a true icon of Paris. Mom held out her arms, gazing at the park. For the first time in a while, she seemed relaxed.

"Lovely day, isn't it?" she asked me, as we walked past a collection of trees. She had a backpack on, containing all the picnic goodness like a picnic rug and food.

"Yup," I said. Of course I wasn't fooled by the nice weather or nice food. Who do you think I am?

I swear I heard some familiar kids bickering behind me. When I looked over my shoulder, however, no one was there. Odd. Totally not suspicious at all, right?

"What about here?" Mom asked. We were near the carousel. Yeah, the one where I got trapped behind a wall of ice. Oh well, at least Marinette and Adrien weren't around. Yet.

"Sure," I grunted.

Mom sat on the grass and began setting up the picnic. She placed the checkered blanket on the grass, and grabbed out the food. Sort of like those picnics in cartoons. Hopefully no ants would show up and steal all the food.

I was about to sit down, when I heard some kids laughing again. I turned around, and you'll never guess who I spotted.

"What are you two doing here?" I confronted the demon twins, who were hiding behind a tree.

They both grinned at me, tilting their heads innocently.

"We were bored," they told me. "Mom is too busy doing work to hang out with us."

"You two are so freaking stupid, even for kids," I huffed.

"What's going on?" Mom came over. She folded her arms. "Oh, girls. What are you two doing here?"

"That's what I said," I grunted.

The twins blinked cutely. "Well, we got bored, and…"

"You two left the house and followed us?!" Mom put her hands on her hips. "That is so incredibly irresponsible of you two! Wait until your mother hears about this! You two are both grounded for two months!"

 _Ha ha yeah, maybe this day isn't gonna suck after all,_ I thought.

"See!" Mardi turned on her sister. "I told you this was gonna be a bad idea, Luce!"

"Well, at least we're not stuck at home anymore," Lucetta replied, snarkily.

"But now we're grounded for two months!" Mardi whined, her voice raising a few octaves. "This is all your fault!"

"'All my fault'?" Lucetta laughed. "You're the one who was begging for something to do, dumbass! I wouldn't have got the idea if it wasn't for you!"

"Language," I chided.

"Shut up, Johnny," Lucetta snapped. "You say way worse things."

"Stop it, Lucetta!" Mardi shouted, grabbing her sister's overalls. "You always drag me into trouble! You're just trying to blame me for everything!"

"You're not being _responsible_ ," Lucetta rolled her eyes. "You're so _immature_ , Mardi."

That gesture made Mardi shake with rage. She was about to lunge forward.

"Girls, girls," Mom raised her hands, stepping between them. "Enough fighting. Just sit down here, and don't go anywhere. You're in enough trouble already."

The girls pouted, before plopping themselves on the grass. They scowled and folded their arms, avoiding each other.

"Uh…" Yeah, I didn't know what to do.

Mom placed a hand on my shoulder. "Well, they kind of killed the mood, didn't they?"

"Talk about it," I grunted.

"It's okay," Mom's smile returned. "We can still have our picnic."

She sat down by the picnic, surrounded by food. I was about to join her, until I saw two ominous butterflies. Two _akumas_ , headed straight for the twins.

"Girls!" I cried out.

Too late. Each of the akumas touched the demon twins. One landed in the left button on Mardi's overalls, and the other landed in the right button on Lucetta's overalls.

"Don't listen to him!" I cried out.

But nope, too late. The twins were both covered by dark energy. I took a few steps back, standing above the picnic. There was a flash, and the girls re-appeared in front of me, dressed in some edgy clothing.

They both wore an outfit which I guess was inspired by yin and yang: Mardi's skin was pure white and she was covered in white robes with a stroke of black on the side, and vice versa for Lucetta. Mardi's eyes were completely black, while Lucetta's were white. They wore black and white boots, and matching hats. They also wore masks that covered half their face, shaped like the Yin Yang pattern (once again, white for Mardi, black for Lucetta). A dangerous aura surrounded them. They also had matching buttons on opposite sides.

"What happened to them?!" Mom gasped.

Both the girls glared at each other.

Mardi narrowed her white eyes. "There can be…"

"... only one!" Lucetta screamed.

I was about to laugh because haha funny meme, but then the ground began shaking, full-on earthquake style. Cracks appeared beneath my feet. Buildings were trembling in the distance. The ground began cracking open, forming a giant, deadly chasm. A line of destruction seemed to be making its way through the city.

 _Oh my God…_ I went pale, crawling back. _They're splitting Paris in half…_

"John!" Mom cried. She grabbed my arm, pulling me close like I was a toddler or something. And for a second, I was fine with that.

"Mommy!" Mardi cried out, reaching out a hand. "Johnny! Come on my side!"

"No, don't go with her," Lucetta gave me a smile that was way too evil for someone of her age. "Come with me. I'll give you everything you could ever ask for."

"Mardi, Lucetta, this has to stop right now," Mom growled, standing in front of me, holding out her arms. "Look what you're doing to the city!"

"I'm not Mardi!" Mardi cried. "I'm Yin!"

"My name's not Lucetta," Lucetta growled. "I'm Yang."

"Yin and yang…" I uttered. "Wait, hold on, Yin and Yang are supposed to be in harmony!"

"Not anymore," Yang snapped. She narrowed her eyes, the ground rumbling. "Pick a side, John."

Luckily, I didn't have to pick a side because right at that exact moment, Ladybug and Chat Noir appeared, pulling Mom and I away from the chasm.

"Looks like things are really getting… torn apart," Chat Noir smirked.

 _This is literally the worst time for puns_ , I groaned.

Ladybug turned to Mom and I. "Get to safety. We can handle this."

Mom nodded, holding my arm. "Come on, John."

"Man, wait until Avril gets a load of this…" I muttered.

"Maybe it's best not to think of that," Mom grimaced.

We stood up, moving away from the chasm best we could, headed to the right. I heard Yang's triumphant laughter.

"Of course you chose my side!" she beamed, popping right in front of us. "I'm the favourite, aren't it?"

"Well, I've got Ladybug and Chat Noir on my side!" Yin screeched from 'her side'.

"Ladies, come on," Chat Noir waved his hands. "I like all my fans equally."

Ladybug held out her yoyo. She threw it at Yin, who cried out. She sent a shockwave at Ladybug and Chat Noir, sending them flying in different directions.

 _Here we go again…_ I groaned. _Why are they always so useless at the start?_

Mom and I made our way through the messed up Place des Vosges, having to jump over a lot of crap and split ground. The shining gate, aka the exit, was right ahead. Of course, it too had sustained some nasty damage. It was falling off its hinges.

"Two akumatized villains at the same time…" Mom panted. "How could this happen? And especially to my step-daughters…"

"I'm sure Ladybug and Chat Noir will be able to save the day," I told her, trying to be, uh, optimistic. "Just like they always do."

"Will they really be enough…?" Mom asked. Her eyes shimmered for a moment, like she was about to cry.

"Mom…" I reached out. She pulled me into a hug.

"You're so brave, John," she sighed. "You really go through a lot of this, don't you?"

"Wow, what genius told you that?" I deadpanned.

Mom's eyes filled up with tears.

"Come on, let's go home," I said, trying to be gentle. "We just need to-"

CRACK

The chasm opened right beneath Mom's feet. She gasped, holding out her hands.

"NO!" Ladybug cried out, racing over to us. She almost tripped.

"MOM!" I cried out. Mom was hanging on the edge, by the skin of her teeth. I reached out my hand.

"If I can't have them, neither can Yin!" Yang said while hovering near us, almost deviously. Was she having fun, killing her own step-mother? I had never wanted to throttle her so hard.

Mom reached for my hand, only for the stuff she was already holding onto to crumble. Tears slipped down her cheeks.

"Mommy…" I whimpered.

"I'm coming!" Ladybug shouted.

"It'll be fine, John…" Mom smiled at me, the wall breaking. And then she fell into the chasm, her body swallowed whole by the darkness. I slumped over.

"WAIT!" Ladybug cried out, sending out her yoyo down the chasm. But it was too late. Mom was gone.

Ladybug collapsed to her knees. "No… no… John, I'm so sorry…"

I gritted my teeth, glaring up at a smug Yang.

"IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?!" I wailed. "TO KILL PEOPLE BECAUSE YOU'RE A CHILDISH BRAT!?"

"John…" Ladybug stood up. She breathed out. "No, no, it's okay. We'll figure this out, and-"

"Oh, shut up, Marinette," I muttered.

"... what did you say?" Ladybug asked, going pale behind her mask. "Did you say… Marinette…?"

"What's going on here?!"

We all jumped. Standing there with the scariest look I'd ever seen was Avril, arms folded across her chest.

"Mama!" Yang spluttered.

"Ma'am, please," Ladybug waved her arms. "This is a dangerous area. You should-"

"LUCETTA BRODEUR, IS THAT YOU?!" Avril growled at her daughter. "WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU?! WHERE'S YOUR SISTER?!"

Holy shit, was I glad Avril was not my biological mother. She scared the sugar out of me.

"DON'T YOU DARE BRING HER UP!" Yang snapped back.

"Mom!" Yin came flying over, Chat Noir hot on her trail, still on 'her side'. "Quick! Stand on my side! Get away from Yang!"

"MARDI BRODEUR?!" Avril waved her arms around. "BOTH OF YOU?!" She panted heavily, and gazed at me. "Where's your mother, John?"

I stared at my feet.

"Ma'am, I'm really sorry, but his mother…" Ladybug gazed at the chasm.

"YOU TWO ARE SO GROUNDED!" Avril shrieked. She took another breather, shaking her head. "Well, _first_ , I'd better let Paris' superheroes clean up your mess. You two can do that, can't you?"

Chat Noir and Ladybug glanced at each other, both sweat-beading. I couldn't blame them; I was silently scooting away from Avril.

"Of course we can!" Ladybug nodded, shakily standing up. "We-"

"Oh, get real, stupid heroes," Yang laughed. "You can't defeat me!"

"Or me!" Yin piped in.

They sent out a blast, knocking the two superheroes very far away from each other. And I mean, like, really far. I wouldn't have been surprised if Chat Noir got sent to London, while Ladybug landed in New Zealand.

"I think we might have some problems…" I grunted.

The twins glared daggers at each other, before flying off in different directions. The ground kept shaking. Screams came from everywhere; buildings were about to topple over. Paris was getting more and more split apart with every second. I tell you what, it was the French Revolution all over again.

Avril shook her head, her voice shaking. "Good grief… my girls get into some trouble, huh, John?"

She helped me stand up, arm around my shouler. She was smiling, but there was pain in her eyes.

"I'm not sure if we can survive this one," I admitted. "Even Deus Ex Machina won't heed our calls."

"Sure we can," Avril tried to laugh. "Let's just wait for those silly heroes to come back."

* * *

Ladybug and Chat Noir eventually reconciled. Avril and I were trying our best to stay out of harm's way, which was pretty difficult when the whole city was being fucked up. We ended up staying in the Place des Vosges, since we literally couldn't go anywhere else. We'd be safe there, right? Yeah, didn't think so.

Ladybug came over to me, her hair a mess. Chat Noir was behind her, shaking grass out of his hair.

"John, I need to talk to you," she panted.

Avril shrugged at me. So I followed Ladybug as she led me a good distance away from Avril and Chat Noir. Ladybug put a hand on my shoulder.

"There's a way for you to save your sisters," she told me. "But we're gonna need your help! You interested?"

"Not really, but I don't have much of a choice," I grunted.

"This has to be a secret, so don't tell anyone, okay?" Ladybug said.

"Okay, got it," I gave her a thumbs up.

Ladybug held out a little box. Inside was a fox tail charm necklace - just like Lila's.

"Johnathan Couture, here is the Miraculous of the Fox, which grants the power of illusion," she told me. "You will use it for the greater good. Once the job is done, you will return the Miraculous to me. Can I trust you?"

"Hold on - you want to become a superhero?" I laughed. " _Me_ , of all people?"

"Yes, John, you," Ladybug nodded. "So, can you do it?"

I shook my head. "Sorry, Ladybug. I'm not a hero. Don't have any interest in being one." I glanced at my fists. "But I know someone who _can_ help you."

* * *

"YOU GIRLS ARE GOING TO BE SO GROUNDED!"

I watched Avril jump into the air, dressed head to toe in the same fox outfit Lila had worn. However, unlike Lila, she was the real deal. Her name was Rena Rogue instead of Volpina, and she actually almost looked like a different person. Her straight, black hair was tinted with red and white, like a fox's tail. Two fox ears were attached to her head, and an orange mask covered her face. I suppose Avril looked young for her age, so you could've mistaken her for a teenanger at a glance. Although, she was much taller than both Ladybug and Chat Noir.

Honestly, I was so fascinated by Avril being a superhero that I had to watch her take on her children, even if it was dangerous to hang around. And plus, she was actually an adult superhero. So you know.

Avril - well, Rena Rogue - followed Ladybug as they effortlessly jumped from building to building. Rena Rogue stretched her arms in relief. I slumped near a broken building, in a weird state of disbelief.

"Ah, I feel young again!" Rena Rogue grinned. She was standing above the crevice that had split Paris in half.

"MOM?!" Both of her children appeared, glowering at their mother, floating on their opposite sides of the crevice.

_Good to know you recognise your mother…_

"When we get home, you two are grounded FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!" Rena Rogue brought her flute to her lips.

"A new hero?" Chat Noir popped over to Ladybug.

"We'll need her help!" Ladybug told him. "After all, three's a crowd, and Yin and Yang is all about duality!"

_The fuck does that even mean..._

"Call me Rena Rogue!" Rena Rogue grinned at Chat Noir.

"Nice to meet cha, ma'am," Chat Noir bowed.

"PICK A SIDE!" Yang insisted.

"Mama, please, come here!" Yin cried.

Rena Rogue blew into her flute. "I just imagine an illusion, right?"

"Of course," Ladybug nodded.

Rena Rogue clones popped out of nowhere, swarming the city. Both of the twins looked like they were having an existential crisis.

"Wow, fast learner," Chat Noir marvelled.

"Please, Mom, come to me!" Yin whimpered.

"NO, PICK ME!" Yang insisted.

They were so caught up in trying to sort out all of the clones, they didn't notice that Ladybug and Chat Noir had their own plan sorted out. A plan, that of course, sent the twins tumbling back down to Earth. A plan that was more like… the two superheroes literally kicking them into the ground.

"AHH!" Yin and Yang crashed into the ground, surrounded by the army of clones.

"Time to de-evilize!" Ladybug called. She grabbed the buttons from the girls, crushing them under her foot. The akumas flew out. "Miraculous Ladybug!"

And what do you know, Paris was safe once again. The chasm vanished, the buildings went back to normal, and my mental health still sucked ass.

Oh yeah, the girls were normal as well. They were lying on the ground, dazed and confused.

"John?"

I turned around. Mom was there, rubbing her head. "What happened…?"

"Mom!" I gasped. I raced over to her, giving her a hug. She kissed my head. Rena Rogue looked like she wanted to join the hug, but Ladybug shook her head at her. That's right, Rena Rogue had to keep her identity a secret. Even though I knew who she was, so…

"Mom!" the twins raced over to us.

Mom sighed at them. "You girls… are in so much trouble."

She pulled them into the hug. Rena Rogue watched fondly. I gave her a subtle wink, telling her, _hey, you're the coolest step-mom ever_.


	24. Turns out, I can't sing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep forgetting to talk about this, but have y'all seen that new New York special? It was pretty cool, but I probably won't be adapting it. I'll go into detail about why in the future. As well as that, season 4 has been delayed to 2021, so, uh… oof. Anyway, hope you enjoy the chapter!

"John!"

I ignored my dad and just focused on knitting my black and white scarf, knees on my desk.

"John!" Dad came into my room, breathing heavily. "It's a musical emergency!"

"For God's sake, Dad," I groaned. "Are we in a kids' show or something?"

(Actually, we probably were, but besides that…)

"John, this is serious," Dad said, so I knew it wasn't serious.

"Fine, what is it?" I looked over my shoulder for a millisecond.

"The new artist they're featuring on TV…" Dad grimaced. "Her music… is terrible! They kicked off Jagged Stone for some new trash!"

"Oh no," I went back to knitting my scarf. "What a tragedy."

"She cares more about dancing than music," Dad shook his head in disgust. "Can you believe that, Johnathan?"

"I can, actually," I grunted.

"John, I thought you understood music like me," Dad pouted.

"Hey, look, am I doing this right?" I held up my scarf, quickly changing the subject.

"Don't you try to change the subject on- oh, that looks quite good!" Dad came over, checking out my scarf. "Ah, you're really taking after your old man, John." He shook his head. "Now, back to what I was saying-"

And then my phone started buzzing. I had never been so thankful to receive a text message. I pulled my phone out of my pocket.

_Alix:_

_YOOOOOOO JOHNNYYYYYY_

_Me: what_

_Alix: HAVE YOU SEEN CLARA NIGHTINGALE'S NEWEST MUSIC VIDEO_

_Me: no. My dad has tho. He says it sucks_

_Alix: WHAATTTTTT YOUR DAD HAS BAD TASTE MY MAN. YOU HAVE GOTTA SEE IT. AND ALSO! SHE'S MAKING A NEW MUSIC VIDEO ABOUT LADYBUG AND CHAT NOIR CALLED 'MIRACULOUS'!_

_Me: is she_

_Alix: UH HUH! MY FRIENDS AND I ARE GONNA AUDITION TO BE EXTRAS IN IT! YOU SHOULD COME! YOU CAN BE AN EXTRA TOO!_

_Me: pretty sure i'm already an extra in general_

_Alix: AW COME ON, JOHN! IT'LL BE GREAT! AND JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE WHO'S PLAYING CHAT NOIR!_

_Me: I honestly don't care_

_Alix: TRUST ME, IT'LL BE WORTH IT! YOU'LL LOVE IT, JOHN!_

Well, it was either that or my dad complaining about music for three hours. That itself was just as bad as an akumatized villain.

_Me: fine. I'll come._

_Alix: THEN COME TO GRAND PALAIS NOW! SEE YA THERE!_

* * *

So guess who got to go to the Grand Palais again. I suppose one of the only good parts of being involved with… _those people_ is that I got to go to cool places sometimes.

Anyway, so there I was, the Grand Palais. There was a crap ton of people lined up in front of the central area of the main room, as well as a stage with a backdrop. Those who were auditioning for Ladybug were on the right, those as extras on the left. Nathalie Sancouer was standing in front of the stage with a video call of Gabriel Agreste on her tablet. There was a woman standing on the stage with a star-adorned microphone, greeting the auditionees. I had a pretty good feeling she was Clara Nightingale.

She was a fair-skinned young woman with waist-length wavy brown and brown eyes. She wore a short-sleeved white shirt with a navy blue trimming a white miniskirt, both having a pattern of coloured triangles. On her right wrist, she had some colourful bracelets. Additionally, she wore black leggings that faded into dark blue at the bottom and black spool shoes. I don't know, something about her stare… made me really uncomfortable.

"Thank you for coming, all of you!" she sang, music blaring behind her. "This is like a dream come true! Together we'll all dance and sing; it's going to be awesome and amazing!"

She was pretty preppy and positive, not the music Dad was into at all. I could see why he didn't like her stuff. Also, the rhyming was painful.

"John!"

I recognised Alix's voice as she skated over to me. She and her friends were in the extras line. Of course Marinette was there, as well as Alya, that girl named Rose, Juleka I think, and another girl named Mylène. Seeing the group of girls gave me some serious déjà vu.

"Yo," I said.

"'Bout time, you're almost late!" she chuckled.

"Oh no, what a travesty that would be," I grunted.

"Come on!" Alix wrapped her arm around my waist. Somehow, despite being, like, half my height, she was able to drag me along to the extras line.

"I'm not sure I wanna do this," I admitted.

"Oh, it'll be fine," Alix assured me. "You're pretty shy, John. You could use a bit of self confidence."

I wasn't sure I'd describe myself as _shy_ , but I'll admit, I needed a bit of a self confidence boost.

"So, who's playing Chat Noir?" I asked.

Alix pointed at the stage. "Just watch."

And then none other than Adrien Agreste walked in front of the stage, dressed exactly like Chat Noir minus the mask. All the girls squealed, while I lost the will to live. Honestly, why do I even try anymore?

"He looks kinda like Chat Noir," Alex admitted. "Reminds me of when you texted me saying Adrien was Chat Noir, John." She laughed and punched my shoulder. "Weird coincidence, huh?"

"Yeah," my fists shook. "Really funny coincidence - oh for fuck's sake, it could literally not be more obvious!" I waved my arms around. "Guys, you can't tell me you don't see it!"

All the girls looked at me blankly.

Alya turned to Marinette. "Didn't I tell you that Adrien looks a little bit like Chat Noir?"

"No way!" Marinette shrieked. "He's a thousand times more amazing than Chat Noir!"

I gazed at the Ladybug auditionees, who of course, had wigs of her hairstyle.

"Oh come _on_ , don't you guys think it's weird that Ladybug and Marinette just so happen to have the same hairstyle?!" I asked.

The girls kept looking at me. Then they all burst out laughing, Marinette's laughter arguably more nervous. She looked off to the side.

"I need a mental health break," I stomped away.

"Hey, John!" Alix grabbed my arm. "Where are you going?!"

"You heard me," I turned around. "I need a sec to get my mind off things."

(More like I was so done with those people I could not stand to hang around them for a second longer.)

So I turned around, walking on a red carpet. That was until a voice sang out behind me.

"Young man walking afar! You have the look of a star!"

I gazed over my shoulder. Clara Nightingale was pointing at me with her star-themed microphone. Everyone in the room was also staring at me. And there went all the confidence I had.

"Me?" I stammered, going pale.

"I can tell by the way you stand on that rug!" Clara sang. "You are fit for the role of Ladybug!"

"Me?!" I repeated, feeling hundreds of eyes boring into my soul. "Uh, no offence, Miss Nightingale, but I'm a really bad dancer… I wouldn't even be a good extra. You'll want someone else."

I was about to jokingly suggest Marinette to play the role of Ladybug, mainly to amuse myself, but it seemed Clara already had her creepy gaze on her. Maybe because Ladybug and Marinette had the same hairstyle, same body type, same eyes, same voice, etc. Just a hunch.

Clara came walking down the red carpet, and _suddenly_ (totally not accidentally) tripped over. Of course, Marinette went over and helped her. Clara was so amazed she trapped Marinette in a hug, and asked Marinette for her name, which she gave of course.

"Marinette! Say it's so!" Clara sang, holding Marinette's hands. "Will you please play Ladybug in my video?"

 _Right_ , I thought. _Here we go._

"That's so nice of you, and… I'm one of your biggest fans, but…" Marinette trailed off. "I came here to be an extra with my friends, and I really wanna stay with them."

"That's a pity, a shame; but I understand it's true," Clara hummed. "That's a very cool gesture, very Ladybug of you!" She took Marinette and sat her in a chair by a trailer. "Just sit over here for make-up, okay? I'll ask your friends to be sent over right away!"

So I guess I did get to be an extra after all. Wow, my lifelong goal is fulfilled. Soon, the girls and I were all hanging out by the trailer. And everything seemed fine. Until Chloé showed up of course.

"Thank you all for coming," Chloé paraded down the red carpet, dressed up as Ladybug. "You can go home now."

I rolled my eyes. Some things never changed.

Marinette, obviously, wasn't psyched at all about Chloé being there. She glowered at Chloé getting all cosy around Adrien.

"Chloé playing Ladybug?" Marinette shook her head. "No way! Not gonna happen!"

"Oh?" Alya asked. "That bothers you more than not being with Adrien in the video?"

"Uh, if _I_ were Ladybug, I wouldn't want a brat like Chloé playing me." Marinette asserted.

"The son of the world's greatest fashion designer and the daughter of the Mayor of Paris," I heard André Bourgeois from somewhere backstage, because of course he was there. "That would be just perfect!"

" _Hmmm_ ," Gabriel's voice came from the tablet. " _Artistically speaking, the young lady with ponytails would've been ideal; but it's time to start filming. We'll make do with Miss Bourgeois._ "

"We're both going to be in a music video, Adrikins!" Chloé cooed, clinging on Adrien's arm. "Or should I say, Adri-cat!" She laughed. "Get it? 'Adri-cat'?"

Adrien had never looked so pale. "Adri-cat, yeah…"

Marinette stood up. "Hey wait… I've changed my mind! I do wanna be Ladybug!"

Clara's creepy face lit up with a smile, while Chloé went red.

"Awesome! This will be the best video yet!" Clara kissed Marinette on both cheeks. "Thank you, thank you, Marinette!" She turned to the fuming Chloé. "I'm really sorry, what's-your-name, but you can still be an extra in the video, if you're game!"

"What?!" Chloé demanded. "You want me to be a mere… _extra_?!" She stormed off, followed by her dad. "Ridiculous! Utterly ridiculous!"

I honestly felt like an extra in real life, but whatever. It was time for the world to give me the middle finger, in the form of blatant obviousness.

* * *

… And by blatant obviousness I mean this:

Marinette and Adrien. Were onstage. In their costumes. With no masks. Facing each other. Looking exactly like Chat Noir and Ladybug. Cough cough. I'm dying.

Masks aside... IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE OBVIOUS! ESPECIALLY MARINETTE, HOW DID ANYONE NOT NOTICE SHE _JUST_ HAPPENED HAVE THE SAME HAIRSTYLE AS LADYBUG?! AUGHHHHHHHHHH

"Wow, John, they do kinda look like Ladybug and Chat Noir, now that I think about it," Alix laughed, as we watched the two onstage.

 _AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH_ , I screamed internally.

The spotlight was on Marinette and Adrien onstage, making them almost glow. They were being all blushy and cute and making me so angry I could've spontaneously combusted.

"Your dance moves need to be synchronized if you can, so you'll need to hold each other by the hand." Clara sang.

Marinette and Adrien clasped their hands together like they were shaking hands. The girls beside me giggled.

"Not like that, don't be shy!" Clara gestured vividly. "Like lovers do. Give it a try!"

Marinette and Adrien began holding hands, blushing and all of that shit. I was seriously regretting all my life choices at that point. I would've preferred Dad's music lectures over watching that crap. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I thought Marinette and Adrien were a bad couple, it's just that everyone in the universe was way too ignorant. Seriously, how did those people get out of bed and not explode just from stupidity alone?

"Oh!" Rose gasped. "I can't believe how much they look like the real Ladybug and Chat Noir!"

"One final task," Clara sang. "Put on the mask."

Marinette and Adrien both looked away. "We looked, but the masks were nowhere to be found!"

That was when the stagehand showed up, carrying the masks. Both the idiots onstage began sweating bullets. And honestly, I didn't even feel bad. It was their own faults for making their costumes so obvious.

Slowly, silently, dramatically, the two raised the masks towards their faces. Everyone waited in anticipation. Except for me, of course. I just wanted to stop, drop, and leave.

Then Andrè Bourgeois showed up, carrying a stack of paper about a foot tall. "I'm sorry. My administrative staff just realized you never submitted permit A38 as stipulated in the circular B65 that one can only get at counter C, third floor of City Hall, which is, alas, closed for renovations until August, which means you don't have a permit to shoot… anywhere in France, including Paris."

I didn't understand a lick of that, aside from the part where I heard it was ending, which was the only good news I'd gotten that day.

"I… I don't understand!" Clara gasped.

"It means no more dancing, no more singing today, the nightingale can spread her wings, and fly away!" Chloé sang in a horrid voice, throwing Clara's microphone offstage. "Oh! Did you hear that? I made a rhyme! How talented am I?"

Clara sobbed, jumping off the stage to grab her microphone. "No! The video needs to be shot here, in Paris, the capital of love, the city of Ladybug and Chat Noir! This ruins all of my plans! I'm so sorry, my beloved fans!"

Clara ran away, still crying. And I think you know as well as I do what that meant.

"Show's over!" Chloe cackled. "You can all go home now."

"Honestly, thank God," I turned away.

"Aw, John, do you have to be so negative?" Alix grumbled, pouting at me.

"You'd be negative too if you were in my shoes," I huffed.

"Sing, dance or rhyme," a voice behind us boomed. "Or you'll be frozen in no time!"

Yup, I knew it. Standing on the stage behind us was Clara Nightingale, or rather, someone who had put a unicorn in a blender and decided to wear the colours that came out of it. She had straight blonde hair tied back into two high ponytails. Her left eye was cyan and her right eye was magenta. Her ponytail reminded me of Harley Quinn's… but stupider, I guess. Her face was white, and she wore multi coloured shades with sharp edges. She wore a dark gray suit that had a light blue pointed tip over each shoulder. A cyan star with a black outline was printed on her chest, and the rest of her suit was decorated with neon cyan, yellow, and magenta shapes. At her feet were cyan high heels. She also held a wand with a dark blue swirled handle that kept the star theme going.

She raised her wand, whipping Chloé and her father (not in that way, I promise), causing them to be covered in a pink light.

"What is she talking about?" Chloé scoffed. "Dancing and making rhymes? And why not play the trumpet too, while you're at it-"

All of the sudden, Chloé turned into a shiny pink statue. What a relief, honestly.

Frightningale (aka Clara) cackled.

"Chloé, hon'!" André whimpered, clasping his hands together. "Please! Please! I'll keep up this rhyme, don't make me freeze, not this time!"

"Oh, bravo!" Frightningale grinned. "And you've got the right tempo!"

She turned her attention to the extras, whipping some of them and turning them into statues, while others ran away. Of course I was going to do that, but then Frightningale turned to me. She whipped me, covering me with a pink light.

 _Crap, crap, crap_ , I thought, sweating bullets. _Sing, dance or rhyme… come on!_

"Um, I'm not very good at this," I admitted. "I don't really fit in with the show-biz."

"Not too bad for something off a whim," Frightningale nodded at me. "But can you also dance and sing?"

I went pale. It was either I did the world's worst karaoke and choreography performance, or I got turned into a statue. So out of pure anxiety and horrid voice cracks, I began to sing the first song that came to my head, doing a weird kind of jig to go along with it:

" _Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques_

_Dormez-vous, dormez-vous?_

_Sonnez le matines, sonnez le matines_

_Ding ding dong, ding ding dong._ "

By the end of it, I'd never felt so much like digging a hole and burying myself in the ground. My face must've looked like a tomato. I heard clapping in the distance. Alix was giving me a thumbs up. And for the first time in a while, I was happy to have some friends. And also extremely perturbed that said friend had to watch me embarrass myself.

"So you do have the potential of a star after all!" Frightningale clapped. "Take pride in your stance Johnathan, stand tall!"

I was in disbelief. Did a villain just… compliment me? A cold feeling went up my arm. It was turning to that shiny pink stuff.

"I think you're wrong about me," I called out in a rush. "I'm just a dumbass who really needs to pee."

(Look, rhymes aren't really my strong suit...)

Thankfully, Ladybug and Chat Noir came flying in before I could make any more horrible rhymes.

"I thought you were a fan of Chat Noir and me, Nightingale," Ladybug declared. "So you should know that we fight villains!"

"I'm Frightningale from here on out," Frightningale sang. "Forever and ever, there's no doubt! And if you stand in my way, there'll be a price to pay!"

"You have to come 'round!" Ladybug retorted. "Don't let negative emotions take you over!"

"Song and dance will make the world a better place," Frightningale cackled. "Don't agree with me? Ha! Then you're a disgrace!"

Ladybug swung her yo-yo at her. Of course, Frightningale caught it, swinging Ladybug around like a merry-go-round. I took a few steps back. My throat was hurting like a bitch. I was never singing again, I tell you what.

Chat Noir charged towards Frightningale. "Mind if I dance too?"

Frightningale jumped out of the way, her glare still piercing my soul. The superheroes then chased her outside to do another one of their roof chases. I got up, legs shaking. Everyone else had run away or had been turned into pink statues, so I was in there by myself. Completely alone and isolated. And I still needed to pee. At least I hadn't been turned into a statue.

Welp, I totally jinxed myself, because out of nowhere, my vision was covered in pink light, and my body went completely still.

 _Fuck_ , I thought.

…

* * *

… and then I was awake again. So was everyone else. My head was pounding. And standing above me was none other than Clara Nightingale.

"... What the Hell is going on?" I asked.

"Stand tall young man, because I've got a new video idea!" she cried, pulling me up with an arm. "This'll make you grin from ear to ear!"

 _Oh, they saved the day…_ I grumbled. _Man, I wanna go back to being a statue… then I won't have to deal with life anymore._

* * *

Clara's new video idea didn't make me grin from ear to ear, but in case you're wondering, I did get to be an extra after all and dance in Clara's video, alongside Alix and Max. My dancing was pretty lame in my opinion, but somehow, we made it work… even if I did have to wear a stupid Ladybug mask. And of course, I had to deal with my dad as well, being angry about 'betraying music' or whatever. But that was trivial compared to my horrible karaoke performance that would forever terrify me more than any akumatized villain ever could.


	25. Under the sea, down where it sucks

I wasn't sure why, but Avril had been pretty down in the dumps for the past few days. She didn't want to get romantic with Mom at the breakfast table (that was actually kind of a relief for me), she wasn't spending time with her demon twins as much (not so much of a relief; it meant they were annoying me more), and she generally seemed more moody.

Usually if people were dealing with negative emotions, I tried to stay out of it. Because, one, I was (and still am) terrible at consoling people, and two, negative emotions usually meant it was time for an akuma, and you all know how I feel about those.

All of that crap aside, I did feel kind of bad for Avril. She was my step mom, after all. And not only my step mom, she was, ahem, my _cool_ step mom, so she deserved the TLC. That's why I decided to talk to her while she was slumped on the big couch, a wine glass in hand. The TV was showing reports of animals running loose in the streets.

Oh yeah, right, there was some zoo animal outbreak or whatever. For once, I actually managed to _not_ get involved with that. But don't worry, you'll still get your healthy dose of suffering John, you sinners.

"Hi," I slumped down next to Avril.

"Hello, John," she greeted, absentmindedly. She didn't even seem interested in her wine.

"What's wrong?" I asked. "You've been… kind of weird these past few days."

Avril looked around suspiciously, as if she was looking out for listening devices. For some reason, I couldn't help but protectively cover my hearing aid with a hand.

"I'm… no longer Rena Rogue," she sighed sadly.

"Oh," I said. Yeah, the whole Rena Rogue thing had kind of weirded me out, so I had tried to forget it. "What happened?"

"Well…" Avril frowned. "Ladybug and Chat Noir were worried that since you knew my secret identity, there's a chance other people would find out as well."

 _Oh the irony_ , I groaned internally.

"I wouldn't tell anyone," I said. (Trust me, I wouldn't have told anyone even if I didn't like Avril. The secret was just too embarrassing.)

"I tried to tell them that, but they didn't want to take any chances," Avril sighed. "But it's fine. I'm getting old, John. I couldn't be a superhero for long. They'll find a suitable replacement."

"You liked it, though," I told her. "You fit the superhero model pretty well. And besides, those two could use an adult."

"They seem plenty mature to me," Avril chuckled. "And how do you know they're not adults?"

I made a face at her.

"What's with that look?" Avril asked, tilting her head with a chuckle. "What, do you know their secret identities too?"

"I'm committing self-defenestration," I declared, heading towards the window.

"Self-what?" Avril raised her brow.

I mooched towards the window, overlooking Paris. I opened it up, breathing in the fresh, salty air, like I was at the sea.

… wait, salty?

My stomach dropped when I heard the sound of rushing water below me. I peered at the streets; boy howdy, were they flooded or what! Waves of water rushed all around the city, washing away cars, screaming civilians, and the remaining pieces of my sanity. It was giving me some serious déjà vu of the first time I met Ladybug and Chat Noir. Well, at least it wasn't disgusting mud this time…

"What's going on?" Avril rushed beside me. Her eyes went huge when she saw all the water. It seemed to be rising quickly. It was going to reach our window fairly soon. Not great. I was not in the mood for a swim.

"Whoaaaaa!" The demon twins ran over, peering at the water. "It's a flood!"

"Girls, go get your mother and Pistache," Avril instructed the twins, putting on her hero face. "Come on John, we're building a raft."

"A raft?" I asked.

The twins raced away to get Mom. Avril walked over to the wooden dining room table, and flipped it upside down, kicking away the chairs. It was big enough that all of us - including Piss - could sit on it, but I wasn't sure it'd be strong enough to carry all of us. I suppose it kind of looked like a boat, having walls around its sides, connected by its legs.

 _I guess that's why she picked it_ , I thought. _It's the most raft-like thing we've got in here…_

"John, come and help me carry this," Avril instructed. Honestly, she became more and more like Ladybug every second.

I walked over to Avril, grabbing the end of the table, while she took the other. We groaned, lifting the table off the floor. I perked up when I heard steps shuffling on the floorboards. Mom was downstairs, along with the twins, and a drooling Piss.

"What's happening outside?" Mom asked, shaking her head in disbelief.

"Honey, please, come and help with this," Avril told Mom.

"What's that for?" Mom asked. She went pale. "Wait, are we going to…"

"Don't worry," Avril grinned. "I know how to get us to safety."

Judging by Mom's expression, she didn't seem to be as optimistic about the situation as Avril.

"I'm- I'm not going outside on _that_ , honey," she shook her head. "It's too dangerous, especially for the kids and the dog!"

 _Oh please,_ I rolled my eyes. _We've been through way worse than a bit of water._

"We don't have a choice, Laura," Avril grunted. "If we stay here, we'll be flooded out."

Mom pushed her blonde hair behind her eyes, biting her lip.

"Fine," she sighed, moving over to the table. "John, can you help Pistache and the girls get on board?"

I nodded. I took a few steps back, getting near the twins and Piss. We watched Mom and Avril carry the dining table towards the front door, both heaving. I placed a hand over my hearing aid. Unfortunately, it wasn't waterproof, so if I didn't want to run around half-deaf, I was staying away from the water.

"Do we get to go swimming?" Mardi asked with wide eyes.

"Johnny probably can't swim," Lucetta giggled.

"I can, actually," I crossed my arms. "But it's probably a good idea to stay away from the water. An akumatized villain's gonna be running around. Well, _swimming_ around."

Mom and Avril managed to get the dining table outside. They put it back on its back, legs sticking up in the air. It floated on the rising pool of water. Paris was really looking like an aquarium at this point. It reminded me of Venice, but like, a messed up version of it.

"Come on, kiddos!" Avril called. "We're going for a boat trip!"

The twins, Piss and myself raced to the front door. A little wave of fear went through me. I wasn't the biggest fan of the ocean, so you can guess I wasn't exactly psyched about going for a 'boat trip'. Especially when it was right outside my door.

"I'll get on first," Avril volunteered, a heroic grin on her face. It seemed Rena Rogue wasn't completely gone from her identity. "Laura, hold the table."

Avril got onto the dining table, sitting down in the corner. The table gave a few wobbles beneath her. She held out her arms.

"Come on, kiddos," she said. "It's safe, I promise."

"Mom!" Both the twins raced over to her. They clambered on board the table, wrapping their arms around Avril. I sighed. It seemed like Piss and I were next. I was going to take my time getting on board, but then I saw a fin making its way through the water, like in a cliche shark movie.

"Uhhh…" I pointed at the shark fin.

"Ahhh!" Both the twins screamed. Piss began barking at the fin.

"Stay back!" Avril held out her hands.

The fin rose up from the water. It belonged to... Lê Chiến Kim? Aka the dude I kissed that one time and still had nightmares about. He was blushing a pale red.

"Oh, hi, John," he waved shyly at me. "Long time no see."

"Uh, hi?" I greeted.

"Look, um, you need to go," Kim mumbled, fumbling with his hands. "There's someone who wants to-"

Then someone else popped out of the water. A freaking _mermaid_ to be more specific. She had dark pink skin, black freckles on her shoulders and elbows, and a lighter pink face with smaller dark freckles. She had short, light red hair, and two silver circular horns sticking out of the top of her head. Her eyes were pinkish red and blue. Her black strapless outfit had a fish-scaly look. Her feet connected together to make a two-pointed pink fin.

"Who are you?!" Avril demanded, holding out her arms.

"I'm Syren," the mermaid explained, "and I'm making this city my Underwater Kingdom, and Kim my prince!" Her gaze turned deadly. "You!" She pointed at me. "You got in the way of our relationship!"

"Excuse me?!" I demanded.

"Kim is _my_ prince!" Syren shouted. "Not yours! How dare you!"

"Listen," I said, backing up. "That one time-"

But she didn't listen to me, of course. She swam towards me at lightning speed, grabbing my leg in a tight fist.

"JOHN!" Mom shouted.

Too late. Syren dragged me underwater with a simple tug. I wanted to cry out but water was about to fill up my lungs. That, and I also couldn't see a thing. And for a fun added bonus, I had become half deaf, too. Then I heard someone… blowing a bubble? All of a sudden, I could breathe underwater. No, someone had put a bubble around my head.

"What the Hell…?" I looked around at the submerged city, my hearing fading in and out. I felt like I was in Atlantis or something.

Syren was right in front me with a nasty scowl, Kim behind her. "My bubble will let you breathe underwater. I need you to be my prisoner!"

She grabbed my arm, almost crushing it.

"What is this, BDSM?" I demanded, trying to pull away. Of course, it didn't work.

Syren ignored my super witty comment, dragging me and Kim through Paris-turned-Atlantis, like she was a parent leading her kids to the park or some crap. She was a ridiculously fast swimmer, so I really had no chance of swimming away. (Not that I was a great swimmer anyway, but I wanted to try and make myself feel a little better.)

"Can't you let him go, Ondine?" Kim asked. "He hasn't done anything wrong…"

"Call me Syren, my prince," Syren replied, sweetly. Then she scowled. "He's done _everything_ wrong. He must be punished."

Kim gave me a sad look. Well, at least someone pitied me, I suppose.

We eventually reached a building with a swimming pool inside. So, in other words, a submerged swimming pool. It was your typical swimming pool building, you know, big and _wide_ with locker rooms and a few floors. I mean, it was normal aside from being completely submerged. What mainly caught my eye was a lifeguard's chair, which was surrounded by elaborate ornamentation, inside a large air bubble.

"Sit in your throne, my prince," Syren told Kim. She gave me a scary grin. "Leave this fool to me."

Kim slipped over to the lifeguard chair, pouting at me. I wish he'd actually come over and help me, the useless bastard. It seemed like Syren was gonna rip my face off or something, but then a familiar yo-yo wrapped around my waist, jerking me back.

"Not so fast!" I heard Ladybug's voice. I turned around spotting Paris' favourite superheroes in the corner of the room, and bow howdy did Ladybug and Chat Noir get a makeover. Ladybug - well, Aqua Ladybug - wore a scaly costume, large blue ponytails with purple ribbons, finny arms and feet, and a 'beltbuckle' device. Chat Noir - Aqua Chat Noir - also wore a scaly costume, with green-finned arms, feet and a 'tail'.

 _What is this…_ I made a face.

"Your new outfits are _so_ cool!" Kim gushed.

Syren bared her teeth, briefly letting me go. She lunged toward Aqua Chat Noir, and shoved him back against an upper-floor railing. Aqua Ladybug pulled Syren back with her yo-yo, but then Syren pulled Aqua Ladybug around in the water instead, until she was close to Kim's bubble. Her yo-yo got disengaged, and Chat Noir continued his fight with Syren, as Aqua Ladybug looked on.

"I'm sorry about this, John…" Kim sighed, dejectedly. "This is my fault…"

"How did all of this start?" I asked him, raising a brow.

Kim scratched the back of his head. "Ondine - or Syren as she's calling herself now - and I were playing a game of secrets, and I think she was trying to tell me that _I'm_ the boy she likes. But, I was a doofus and didn't realize." He frowned. "But maybe that was for the best."

"A game of secrets?" I asked.

"It's a game Ondine invented," he explained. "You write down a secret and put it inside the bracelet's capsule." He beamed. "It's awesome! You wanna know _my_ secret?"

"Uh… no," I coughed. "Hey, what did you mean by 'maybe that was for the best'?"

Kim went bright red. "Well… I kinda… sorta… have a crush… on someone else…"

Then I got it. That was why Syren hated my guts. Because Kim was in love... with _me_.

I mean, the thought of someone being in love with me of all people made me want to have an existential crisis. I almost wanted to remove my bubble and drown myself right then and there. If there's one thing I can't handle, it's romance. Especially with that Kim guy, who I didn't really have any connection to whatsoever. What was even _more_ mind blowing though was the thought that someone was actually romantically attracted to me.

"Are you… in love with me because of that whole Dark Cupid thing?" I asked.

Kim hid his face. "H… How did you know?!"

"It… wasn't all that hard to figure out," I told him, making a face. "Look, I'm being honest here: the only reason I kissed you was to save Paris."

Kim gasped. "But that… that's so romantic!"

"I'm… really not a romance guy," I admitted. "I actually kinda hate romance. I don't wanna break your heart, Kim, honestly… it's just, I'm not interested. Sorry."

Kim bowed his head. "Oh… it's okay. I understand."

"Hey, um," Aqua Ladybug swam over. "I'm sorry to interrupt all of this, but you were talking about a bracelet, right?"

 _Was she eavesdropping?!_ I made a face at Ladybug.

"Yeah," Kim's mood was surprisingly chipper out of nowhere. "It's from our game of secrets! You write down a secret and put it inside the bracelet's capsule."

Aqua Ladybug gasped. "That's where the akuma must be! Aqua Lucky Charm!" She raised her arm. A set of car keys appeared. "Car keys? I guess we should hit the road, then."

"Down here, in the middle of the sea?" I scoffed.

Aqua Ladybug opened up her yo-yo. She handed it to Kim.

"Here," she said. "You can breathe through this."

I had some questions about the logistics of a yo-yo acting as a snorkel, but then again, I lived in a world where people didn't have basic common sense, so whatever.

"Let's go," Aqua Ladybug grabbed both Kim and I. She led us outside the pool building, leaving all the crap behind.

"KIM!" I heard Syren cry out in rage.

"Hey!" Aqua Chat Noir piped up. "We're not done yet!"

Soon, we were back outside in the watery doom that was underwater Paris.

"What now?" I asked Aqua Ladybug.

Aqua Ladybug put a hand on my shoulder. "Listen closely…"

* * *

"Hey, fish breath!"

I hoped my bubble wouldn't pop from the look Syren was giving me. We were swimming somewhat near the pool building. Luckily I was pretty close to the surface, so it would be fairly easy for me to swim away if necessary. There was also a car with open doors next to me; trust me, it was going to be quite important. It was also fairly easy for me to insult Syren by giving her a pre-school grade insult.

"Looks like your boyfriend left you for me," I told her.

Kim was on the surface above me, waving down at me, blushing bright red. (No, this doesn't mean I changed my mind about my feelings for him, I was just going along with the plan.)

"I won't let you steal him from me!" Syren roared. "Kim is mine!"

As she charged towards me, I slipped into the car. I stuck my tongue out as Syren zoomed towards me. As soon as she got in the car, I slipped out, with a bit of speed of my own.

"Chat Noir!" Aqua Ladybug grabbed my arm, pulling me up. "Now!"

Aqua Chat Noir struck the car's hood with his staff, triggering the car's airbag, which pinned Syren inside. Aqua Ladybug and Chat Noir closed the car doors on either side, and Aqua Ladybug used the key signal to lock them. She then tied the loop-end of her yo-yo around the car's trailer hitch. Still holding me like a sack of potatoes, Aqua Ladybug and Chat Noir swam up to the surface. It really boggled my mind that they could think of ingenious plans such as that but couldn't figure out each other's identities.

Anyway, Aqua Ladybug and Chat Noir leaped out of the water, and landed on a roof. Return of the roof rescues, I guess. Aqua Ladybug wrapped her yo-yo around Aqua Chat Noir's staff, which he then extended, and pulled on like a fishing rod. It was just as weird as you can imagine.

"Looks like I got a nibble!" Aqua Chat Noir beamed. He pulled the car Syren was trapped in out of the water, and let it crash on the roof. He then looked in the car window. "How cool! I always wanted a goldfish!"

He then tried to imitate a gold-fish, which made me want to jump back in the water.

Aqua Ladybug unlocked the car with a key signal. Its door popped open, spilling out water. Ladybug reached inside, took Syren's bracelet, and cracked it in her hands, releasing the akuma.

"No more evil-doing for you, little akuma," Aqua Ladybug raised her hands. "Time to de-evilize!" She turned the butterfly into a pure white thingy. "Gotcha! Bye bye, little butterfly." She beamed. "Miraculous Ladybug!"

And wowza, Paris was back to being its normal dry self again, thank the gods. I breathed out in relief. Syren - or Ondine, I guess - was herself again too; a normal looking girl in a swimsuit, lying on the roof.

"John!" I heard a voice from the ground, below me. It was Avril, reaching out for me, out of breath. "I finally found you!"

The superhero duo nodded at me, approvingly. I was about to respond, when Kim came up to me.

"So…" he coughed, rubbing the back of his head. "Can we still be friends, at least?"

I sighed. "Sure thing, pal."


	26. Ice ice baby

"Hey, John? Can I ask you for some advice?"

I sighed, staring at Adrien as he wore a small smile. I was just minding my business, walking around the streets of Paris with my dog Piss, and of course an annoying booger named Adrien Agreste had to come up and bother me.

"I'm not great at giving advice, but fire," I grumbled.

"So…" Adrien looked away. "Well, it's about a girl…"

 _Of course_ , I groaned internally. _There's always a girl._

"Well, uh, we see each other all the time because we study together," Adrien told me. "We've just been friends, you know. Until recently." He paused. "Now I'm starting to see her differently. Has the same thing ever happened to you?"

"Nope," I replied. "Romance isn't really my thing."

"I'm pretty sure Kim had a crush on you," Adrien raised a brow.

"That was unrequited on his end," I sighed. "Listen, Adrien, I'm not an expert on love. It just confuses me." I shrugged. "You're lucky, you know. You get a front row seat. A lot of people like you. You'll have a great love life. I'm just an idiot; I don't get any of it."

"I don't know," Adrien grinned. "You seem pretty smart to me."

That caught me off guard. Someone (other than my mom) thought I was… smart? Then again, Adrien was known for his compliments, I suppose.

"You've… got the wrong idea," I shook my head. "Just tell me about this girl you're into or whatever."

"Well… she's special," Adrien played with his fingers. "Very pretty. She's got dark silky hair, deep and mysterious eyes…" He blinked. "And I'm pretty sure you know her."

"... Ladybug?" I asked.

Adrien stammered, cheeks going red. "W-Well, I mean, yeah, she wasn't the girl I was talking about, but…" He shook his head. "The girl I meant is Kagami."

"You mean the fencing girl?" I asked. "The one that tried to kill you?"

"Yeah, her," Adrien rubbed the back of his head like an anime character. "We've, uh, moved past the whole killing thing."

"Right." I muttered. Piss stared up at me. Somehow, even he seemed befuddled. Or maybe he just wanted to continue the walk. You decide.

"So, uh, what do you think I should do about Kagami?" Adrien asked.

"Pfft, I dunno," I shrugged. "Take her out on a date, I guess?"

"A date?" Adrien went red again. "W-Where would I take her?"

"A place where couples normally go, I suppose," I answered. "The theatres, or something like that."

"I don't know if Kagami would like going to the theatre…" Adrien tilted his head. "Too informal for her. And besides, I can't imagine sitting in there with just the two of us. I'd be too shy."

"What about the ice rink?" I suggested. "There won't be too many people there so you can skate freely. You could get another friend to come with you."

"Maybe…" Adrien made a face. He looked at me. "Um, you…"

"I'm not a big fan of ice skating," I told him.

"Oh," Adrien looked down.

I made a face. "But my mom said I need to try ice skating at some point so I can be more 'active', so…"

"Oh, awesome!" Adrien grinned. "Maybe I'll invite another friend along. Marinette, perhaps?"

I sighed. Why not add fuel to the fire? "Sure. Why not."

Adrien nodded. "Great! I can't wait to go to the ice rink together!"

I made a face. I was going to regret that decision so hard.

* * *

It was him again. The damn Butterfly Man. He was sitting in a badass throne, beaming down at me like some kind of evil rich villain.

" _Quit coming into my dreams,_ " I spat.

" _The masochistic side of me loves to see you sit in denial_ ," he chuckled. " _God, it's such a pain in the ass, you know... when will you just let it happen, Johnny?"_

" _Let what happen?_ " I asked. " _Get akumatized? No way._ "

" _Ironic_ ," the Butterfly Man leaned forward. " _You feel negative emotions all the time yet you haven't been akumatized once._ "

" _Yeah?_ " I asked. " _Well, maybe I don't let it get to my head. Maybe I've accepted them. Maybe that's why._ "

" _You'll snap soon enough,_ " the Butterfly Man said, casually. " _But why wait? If you give in now, you'll get more power than you could ever ask for, John. No one will ever bother you again. Even Hawk Moth will stay away from you. You'll make him look like a minor threat._ "

" _Get lost,_ " I looked away. " _I'm sick of your shit._ "

" _Fine, keep denying it_ ," the Butterfly Man hummed. " _But even the smartest people can still be fooled. And besides, you want to live, right?_ "

I stared at him, my stomach a little queasy. " _I guess?_ "

" _Because if you don't give in soon…_ " he smiled. " _You're going to wish you died a long time ago._ "

I sat up in bed, his smirking face piercing into my soul. My heart was racing.

 _That stupid asshole_ , I shook my head. _I swear, if I ever see him in real life again-_

"JOHNNY!"

I groaned as my step sisters ran in, Piss right on their heels. I'd almost forgotten about the whole Adrien date. Looked like it was too late now.

* * *

Judging by the barren ice rink, skating apparently wasn't as popular as it'd once been. It was nice and big, with rows of chairs watching the shiny white rink, but hardly anyone in sight, aside from the manager I guess, who looked like a guy who spent his free time in Antarctica and a hippie fused together. It seemed Adrien, Marinette, Kagami, some guy with blue hair who I didn't know, and me of course, were the only ones there.

Adrien gave me a friendly wave, as he slipped on his ice skates. Kagami was next to him, giving me the stink eye. Nice girl, as you can see. Marinette was putting on her own skates, her cheeks flushed red. I sighed, putting my skates on too. My feet felt weird already.

"Hello," the guy with blue hair came over to me. "Who are you? I don't know you."

He was taller than me, arguably hotter than me, with light blue eyes, and wavy black hair dyed teal at the tips. His attire included a white shirt with a black Jagged Stone imprint and black jeans ripped at the knee. He also wore a brown leather bracelet, and his fingernails were painted black. He had a sky blue jacket with a navy blue hoodie underneath, as well as black high top converse. He wore a black ring with silver outlining and black gauges in his ears.

"I'm John," I said, shaking his hand. "I, uh, don't know you either."

"My name is Luka," he told me. "Luka Couffaine. You might know my sister, Juleka. We're both in a band."

"Kind of," I shrugged.

"I see," Luka nodded. "And you're a friend of Marinette and Adrien."

I sighed. "I guess, if you see it that way."

Speaking of Adrien and Marinette, it seemed the two were talking… normally-ish. I had a feeling Marinette would most likely never get around to telling Adrien her feelings for him. At least, not for like, five years.

"Let's go into the ring, shall we?" Luka asked.

So we went onto the ring. I clung onto the sidebars around the ring, holding my breath. That ice was slippery as Hell. Marinette soon joined us, sweating all over. She nearly tripped, but Luka caught her.

"Try to be natural," Luka told her. "Go with the flow and listen to the rhythm. Just follow my lead."

So yes, I guess another ship was blooming right in front of me. Whatever, I had my own life to worry about. I tried to shove away from the wall without breaking every bone in my body.

"Hello, young man!"

That damn shout made me fall on my ass. It belonged to the hippie guy, who was holding up a clipboard. I think his name was Philippe or something.

"Sorry about that!" He grabbed me up with one hand, grinning even though he'd just knocked me over. "Have you ever thought about signing up for ice skating lessons? That way, you won't fall over again."

"Eh… no thanks," I replied, slinking back to the wall. "Skating's not really my thing."

"Aw, come on, it seems like you've barely tried it!" he chuckled. "You could discover a brand new talent!"

My mom's voice appeared in the back of my head. _Try something new. Get out some more. Pick up a new hobby._

I wasn't sure if I wanted ice skating to _be_ that hobby, though. Then again, the presence of the mayor André Bourgeois made me a little nervous for some reason. Yes, he was there for some reason. I really needed to get away from that guy.

"I'll think about it," I told Philippe.

"Glad you're considering it!" he beamed. "Please let me know if you want to sign up!"

As he skated away to bother the others, I made a step forward, still clinging onto the walls around the ring.

 _Good grief, this is nothing compared to some shit I've seen,_ I groaned. _I need to stop freaking out._

Judging by Philippe's facial expressions, he wasn't having much luck recruiting any of the others. I honestly felt pretty bad for the guy. He looked so heartbroken. I almost wanted to sign up out of pity. But then again, my ice skating wasn't going too well. I'd fallen on my ass again, so it felt like an icicle down there. Great fun.

Adrien waved at me every so often. Honestly not sure how that made me feel. Luka tried to give me ice skating tips, but they weren't super great, considering I still kept falling over. Poor guy was probably sick of me. Just as much as I was sick of ice skating.

Luka sighed at me, helping me up again. "Just keep trying, John."

 _Kill me,_ I groaned internally.

Philippe glided back to me while Kagami showed off her skating skills, dancing around the ring. That girl was OP as Hell. As for me, I decided I was done with that ice skating shit and headed towards the exit. I stood nearby the rows of chairs, preparing to take my skates off. Phillipe joined me.

"Are you going to be signing up?" Philippe asked me. He lowered his voice, leaning near my ear. "Please sign up. I need at least one person to sign up or I'll lose this ice rink."

Well, shit, now I felt even worse for the guy. But at the same time, I _really_ didn't want to do any more ice skating.

"Listen, I… I'm not really enjoying myself here," I admitted. "I'm sorry, man. I'm not interested."

"None of these young people want to sign up, Philippe," Andre appeared nearby us, taking away Philippe's forms. "You can't force them now, can you?"

Philippe hung his head. "You're right." He skated away, sadly.

Kagami then appeared out of freaking nowhere, giving me a sharp glare. "The only reason you can't stay on your feet is your hesitation. I never hesitate." She then skated away with Adrien.

 _Oh, please_ , I rolled my eyes. _You may know fencing and skating, but you don't know what it's like to simultaneously feel like the smartest but also the dumbest person at the same time._

"Marinette?" Luka asked Marienette, as they walked out of the ice rink. "Are you okay?"

"I think I hurt myself," Marinette replied, looking down. "It's probably best we call it a day."

 _Oh thank fuck_ , I thought.

Soon, we were all off the ice rink. I took off my skates, preparing to text my mom to come and get me. Then Adrien sat next to me.

"Hey, uh…" he breathed out, smiling. "Thanks for coming. I appreciate it, John."

"Yeah, sure," I mumbled.

"I think Marinette seems a little upset, though…" he frowned. "I hope she's okay."

"Go and talk to her," I encouraged, if only to get him off my back.

Adrien breathed out. "I will. I hope it's not something I did."

As he walked off, I couldn't help but notice the air was… cooler, all of the sudden. Then I realised the ground was covered in ice. Ice was growing up the chair I was sitting on, creeping up the walls. The white, chilly surface was carpeting everywhere I turned.

_Oh shi-_

I chucked off my skates, pulling myself up. I raced outside of the ice rink, the ice spreading faster and faster. I moved as fast as I could, but I knew I couldn't outrun the shimmering ice. I jumped on top of a car, Paris slowly turning into a giant ice rink. I dug my head into my knees. Everyone around was getting trapped into blocks of ice. Except for me… at least the for the minute, anyway.

_Damn… it happened so fast…_

I gazed up at a TV screen on a building. On there was none other than Philippe, who apparently was cosplaying as Jack Frost, standing on the Eiffel Tower. Not the Dreamworks one, by the way. More like, the ugly one.

His skin was dark blue, gradually turning to light blue and then white on his head, hands and feet. His hair was slicked up and back and his feet were huge, light blue and white ice skates. He also had a light blue snowflake symbol on his chest. His sclera and nose were light purple, and his pupils were turquoise.

" _Ladybug and Chat Noir_ ," he boomed. " _Your frozen statues will sparkle like trophies upon my kingdom of ice!_ "

He did a cool (pun intended) twirl and turned the Eiffel Tower into blue ice. Because why not. Then the screen flickered off.

And then all of the sudden, Ladybug and Chat Noir skated by me. It seemed they'd gotten yet another outfit upgrade.

Ladybug wore a tiara headband with three white diamond-shaped ice shards at the top. Her collar had a fluffy white edge, and the red area on her suit had a pale-colored flower design. From the middle of her lower arms and lower legs, she had gloves and boots that had fluffy white edges. In particular, her boots had thin white ice skating blades attached to them. Also, she had an ice shard-comprised belt above her hips.

Chat Noir's hair had turned platinum blond, and the material of his outfit was shinier. There were white diamond-shaped ice shards on his lower arms and his hips. His boots were gone, the legs of the suit covering his feet, with the ice shards around his ankles. His soles were white, and attached to them are white ice skating blades. He had a similar belt to Ladybug, except cat themed.

 _So now they have skating outfits?_ I thought. _What's next? If a volcano-themed villain shows up, what will they need for that?_

"Chat Noir," Ice Ladybug addressed Ice Chat Noir, holding up her yo-yo. "We need to set up a trap for whoever turned the city into a giant ice rink."

"Uhh, actually, I know where the guy is," I spoke up, slipping onto the roof of the car. My fingers were turning blue.

"My feline instincts prefer to track and observe before I attack," Ice Chat Noir huffed. "You go your way, I'll go mine."

 _Did they just ignore me?_ I grumbled.

"Guys, hey," I said. "I know who the guy is and where he is."

"Please don't tell me you're mad at me about the rose." Ice Ladybug groaned.

"There may be a certain chill now between us." Ice Chat Noir hissed.

"Uh, hello?" I asked.

"Not now, John," Ice Ladybug waved a hand. "I get it, but we should really focus on saving Paris right now, Chat Noir."

"We don't always have to do everything together, after all," Chat Noir grumbled, skating away. "It's not like we're a couple."

"Chat Noir, don't get all pouty on me!" Ladybug groaned.

 _Guys, come on_ , I rolled my eyes.

"Hey, Ladybug," I called out. "Philippe is the one who-"

"Sorry, John, I'm busy right now," Ladybug held out her yo-yo. She took off before I could tell her anything.

 _Great_ , I thought. _Now I'm stuck here._

Then I heard someone skating near me, shaking the car I was sitting on. Of course, it was the main villain himself, Philippe.

"There you are," he growled. "You should've signed up, you spineless idiot!"

"So you're blaming me for your stupid business failing, Philippe?" I snapped. My ass was freezing, I tell you what.

"I am Frozer!" he snapped, doing a twirl for no reason. "And you, little boy, will make for a perfect statue! Haven't you wondered why you're not a statue yet? It's because I was waiting for you!"

Maybe I should've felt special… but instead I felt pissed off. And very scared.

 _Oh get lost, you Fro-zone ripoff,_ I gritted my teeth. Still, I couldn't help stumbling back, about to fall off the car.

"I'm not responsible for your failing business," I repeated.

"If you'd signed up for my skating lessons, then it'd still be around!" Frozer told me.

"That's a load of crap," I grumbled, feeling the ice crawling up my legs. "Choosing not to sign up for your lessons was my choice, and I stand by it. And if no one else was signing up… well, then maybe that's _your_ fault."

"So you're calling me a bad teacher?!" he roared.

"No," my voice croaked from the cold. "I'm calling you a bad person."

It seemed like he was about to turn me into a statue, but you'll never guess who appeared.

"Hey, Frozer!"

He span around, teeth bared. Standing there was Ladybug, arms crossed.

"Come and get me!" she taunted, skating off.

Frozer looked between her and I, then chased off after her, leaving me alone. I slumped back in relief.

 _Thank goodness_ , I thought. _I finally get to-_

And then I'm pretty sure I got turned into ice, because I don't really remember anything else. Just being… really, really cold. And my entire field of vision being doused in blue. How long was I there? I don't even know.

...

… and then I was fine again. A wave of black and red rushed past me, and everything was back to normal. Paris was back to its regularly scheduled shenanigans. Honestly, the whole thing was a damn fever dream. A cold fever dream, at that.

I got off the car's roof before the owner could show up and reprimand me. I landed on the pavement and got as far from that damn ice rink as I could. I was definitely not going skating again anytime soon. I got a good chunk away before I heard a voice.

"Hey, there you are."

I turned around. It was Luka of all people.

"Uh, hi?" I asked, turning to face him.

"Marinette's trying to talk to Adrien again," he told me. He shrugged. "Maybe one day they'll have a successful relationship."

"Marinette seemed a little… _something_ around you, y'know," I told him.

Luka rubbed the back of his head. "Did she? No, I think she just loves Adrien. Or maybe they're just friends. Who knows?"

"Yeah," I sighed. "Who knows?"

Luka patted my shoulder. "Nice meeting you, John. Keep in touch."

He waved, walking off. I decided the guy wasn't so bad. I wasn't a big fan of Kagami, though. I swear I could feel her presence on me even when she wasn't around…

But of course, the one I hated most of all… was myself. Man, I smelled weird.


	27. The Bourgeois family needs to chill part 1

Being a Parisian, you'd probably expect me to be into fashion or whatever. And I guess I kind of am, since sewing is my jam. But actually keeping up with all the fashion trends? Yeah, no, not me. I really couldn't care less.

So of course, that's why I was going to a fashion show. Something I really cared about (not).

It started on a predictably normal day, in which I'd actually forgotten about the fashion show. Dad and I were seated at a cafe, watching the news on a big screen. We both had some coffee in front of us.

"Scarf coming along well?" Dad sipped his drink.

I shrugged. "Three quarters done."

We gazed up at the huge screen on the building, showing our, uh, favourite newscaster, Nadja Chamack.

" _Tonight, the Grand Palais hosts the most eagerly awaited event of the year!_ " she cheered. " _The sensational fashion show of the famous designer Gabriel Agreste! And a major event always brings prestigious guests: Mayor of Paris, André Bourgeois, is expected to attend the show with his wife, the great and highly respected fashion queen, Audrey Bourgeois!_ "

 _Fashion show…_ I thought. _Hey, isn't that the fashion show Marinette made her weird pigeon derby hat for? The one Adrien is in or something?_

I shivered at the thought of pigeons.

"Hey, John," Dad caught my attention. "Isn't that your friend?"

He was pointing to, of course, none other than Marinette, who was running through the street, carrying a box.

"She's not my friend," I told Dad.

"Are you sure?" Dad asked. "You spend a lot of time around her."

"It's all a coincidence," I replied.

Dad stared at me.

"It's true," I waved a hand.

Marinette tripped over, dropping her box. She quickly got up, dusting herself off. I noticed Tikki was flying around her head, right out in public. Fantastic. Just fantastic.

Marinette noticed me, giving me a nervous smile. I kind of just stared at her in return. Then she ran off again.

I sighed, sipping my coffee. Some time later, the big screen began broadcasting an interview between Nadja and Audrey Bourgeois, who if you hadn't guessed by her last name, was Chloé Bourgeois' mother. They were all standing in front of the Grand Palais.

" _Audrey, like the slogan of your magazine says 'If it's in good taste; it's in 'Style Queen!'_ " Nadja exclaimed. " _So, what's in good taste this year?_ "

" _Judging by the way you're dressed, you obviously don't know, my dear,_ " Audrey told her, Chloé sniggering. " _For your information, the trend this year is glitter._ "

Nadja swiftly ignored that comment. " _As the editor of Style Queen, you spend a lot of time in New York. It must be nice to be with your family for a change here in Paris._ "

" _She's very happy to see me_ ," Chloé piped up. " _By the way, Mom, I have a little something for you._ " She pulled a little gift box out of her jacket.

" _Clara - uh… Chloé, what is this?_ " Audrey scoffed.

" _Um… it's a gift?_ " Chloé asked.

" _Ugh, this wrapping paper is ridiculous, utterly ridiculous_ ," Audrey waved a manicured hand. " _You're fired._ "

" _Darling, please, you can't fire Chloé, she's your daughter!_ " André gasped.

" _Audrey, how long are you planning to stay in Paris?_ " Nadja asked.

" _As short as possible time._ " Audrey said, before storming off. Chloé and André followed her.

"Good riddance," Dad uttered.

" _Thank you,_ " Nadja coughed. " _This fashion show just might be one of the most important in Gabriel Agreste's career, as evidenced by Audrey Bourgeois' presence. Will the famous fashion designer who never appears in public show up for the occasion? Stay tuned to find out. Don't be bemused, it's just the news!_ "

Dad and I stared at each other.

"As much as I dislike that woman…" Dad made a face. "You did say you were going to the fashion show, John."

 _Crap, I forgot about that…_ I made a face.

"Do I have to?" I groaned.

Dad gave me his Dad eyes.

"Fine, fine," I sighed. "I'll go."

* * *

So that's how I ended up at the catwalk at Grand Palais. Expect a lot of Chat Noir puns. It was a long, straight catwalk, two rows of benches surrounding it. Stairs were at the front. Dad and I slumped down on one of the middle benches, second row. I briefly saw Adrien hanging out backstage. I saw Alya and Marinette's parents there too. Speaking of Marinette, I saw her snooping around, sweating up a storm. She creeped over to me.

"Hey, John," she kept her voice low. "Honest question, do you think my pigeon derby hat is good?"

"Yeah," I replied.

"Honestly?" she asked.

"Yes," I said, honestly.

"No lies?" she asked.

"No lies," I tried to sound reassuring.

"Okay," she grinned. "I don't think you're being honest, but I appreciate it."

I rolled my eyes as she raced off again. Dad made a face at me. I gave him a sharp nudge in the side.

We saw Audrey Bourgeois storming down the stairs, Chloé tagging behind her. They walked past us.

"Ugh, you?" Chloé turned up her nose at me. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Arithmetics," I responded. "What do you _think_ I'm doing here, Chloé?"

"How dilapidated is this place?" Audrey scoffed as she kept walking. "And I have to share the front row with this group of low-lifes? Ridiculous." She sat down between Marinette's mom and Alya. "Utterly ridiculous."

"Uh, sorry, but that seat is reserved for Marinette." Alya told her.

"This Marinette girl, _again_?" Audrey huffed.

"Let me handle this, Mother," Chloé stepped in, hands on hips, facing the 'low-lives'. "Hey losers, do you know who my mother is? She's Miss Style Queen: the most powerful woman in the world of fashion. This show is for her, okay? So, get lost!"

 _Miss Style Queen sounds like an 8 year old's game tag_ , I thought, rolling my eyes.

Gabriel Agreste's assistant Nathalie walked over, clipboard in hand. She did not look impressed.

"Mrs. Bourgeois," she said. "Mr. Agreste has reserved a seat for you."

"Ah, finally," Audrey stood up.

"In the second row," Nathalie replied.

"What?!" Audrey shrieked.

"My mother always sits in the front row." Chloé huffed.

"Not today," Nathalie said, sternly.

"This is unacceptable!" Audrey exclaimed. "Gabriel cannot do this to me! I'm the one who discovered him. Without me, he'd still be drawing his unworthy designs in his dismal, grim studio!"

Dad made a face at me. I laugh-coughed into my hand.

"I can offer your seat to someone else if you don't want it." Nathalie told Audrey.

"How dare you!" Audrey cried. "You're fired!"

"I don't work for you, I work for Mr. Agreste." Nathalie responded.

"We'll see about that!" Audrey pulled out her phone. Judging by her expression, Gabriel didn't pick up.

"I assume from your expression that I'm not fired." Nathalie stated.

"This is unacceptable!" Audrey raged. "I will not view a fashion show from the second row, _ever_!"

She stormed off, Chloé still tagging behind her, as well as André, her damn simp of a husband. As they walked past us, Chloé glowered at me, so I stuck my tongue out at her. Marinette sat in her spot near Alya and her parents, still sweating up a storm. Dad eyed the Bourgeois family.

"Good _riddance_ ," he sighed, leaning back.

I really hoped Audrey wouldn't get akumatized just for getting moved out of her chair, but then again, she was Chloé's mother. What else was I expecting?

A few minutes later, and the fashion show began. Adrien walked down the catwalk, decked out in Marinette's pigeon derby hat. He also wore an old fashioned suit, looking kind of like Mr Ramier, aka the Pigeon Guy. So you know, that made me feel a whole lot better.

But of course, the normality was only temporary. Because out of literally nowhere, the biggest glitter bomb I'd ever seen happened. And out of that ridiculous shower of golden glitter came… Nightmare Fuel, I guess.

Okay, seriously. She had bright and sparkly golden skin, blindingly so. She wore sunglasses with dark shades over her eyes and her head appeared to have pulled-back gilded hair in the style of a crown. She wore a golden leotard designed with vertical strips of cloth, with a black strap on her left shoulder. She also had medallion high heeled boots. She wielded a long gilded staff, having a bud-shaped tip.

"A fashion show without the queen of style, Style Queen?" she shrieked. " _Glitterally_ unacceptable!"

Of course, it was Audrey Bourgeois. Who else would it be? (Ironically enough, she looked like a fashion disaster, in my opinion anyway.)

"Not even that godforsaken woman is safe from the puns," Dad grumbled.

"Where is that ungrateful Gabriel Agreste?" Style Queen demanded. "I demand that he kneels before me!"

"My father isn't here!" Adrien shouted.

"Well then," Style Queen gritted her teeth. "If fashion-disaster daddy isn't here, I'll just have to settle for Agreste Junior! You're fired!"

She shot gold dust at him, turning him into a shiny gold statue right on the spot. And that was enough to give me a jolly good scare. Because, as you know, or maybe you don't, but you should, Adrien was Chat Noir. So we were kinda fucked.

"Let's get outta here, John," Dad said, grabbing my arm. The crowd was freaking out, people running in all different directions, not helping Dad and I get outta there. Gold dust beams came from Style Queen, turning tons of people into shiny gold statues. It was like the Midas touch, but if the Midas touch got turned into a projectile weapon.

"You're all fired!" Style Queen cackled. You could tell she got off to firing people.

Chloé raced past me, running to her mother. Dad was headed to the exit. I was about to run after him, but Chloé grabbed me just before that.

"Why are you still here, Jean?" she growled, crushing my wrist. "Get out!"

"John," I grunted. "And that's... literally what I'm trying to do right now. But listen for a sec, Chloé. Your mom's not gonna recognise you. She's been akumatized."

"Of course she'll recognise me, Jason!" Chloé huffed. "She's my mom!"

" _John_ ," I snapped. "Chloé, when people get akumatized, they don't act like their normal selves. You know this. Just don't worry about your mom now, focus on escaping."

Chloé looked like she was about to retaliate, but of course, Style Queen came over to check us out.

"Mom!" Chloé cried.

"Claudine - uh, Chloé," Style Queen waved a hand. "I'm 'not' mom, I am Style Queen. Do you and your ugly friend want to be fired, too?"

I gritted my teeth. _You have the nerve to call me ugly when you look like some preschooler's school project._

"No, no, I really don't, Style Queen," Chloé stammered. "Uh, besides, don't you need an assistant? Joshua can help too."

 _I swear she's doing this on purpose now_ , I scowled. _Hey, wait a sec-_

"Hmm... I did fire my last one this morning." Style Queen tilted her head. "Fine! I'll take you and your... icky friend on trial."

I brandished my fists. _I'll show you icky you-_

"Style Queen!"

Ladybug was on top of a rafter, arms crossed.

Style Queen shook her head at her. "What an atrocious suit. That bug look is _so_ last year."

Ladybug held out her yo-yo. "But the yo-yo makes a strong comeback this year." She threw her yo-yo, which of course, went right through Style Queen.

Chloé sweat-beaded. "Mom! Uh - Style Queen! If you want to find Gabriel Agreste, I know where he lives. You can take care of Ladybug later, she's worthless anyway."

"Hmm... it's not a completely idiotic idea." Style Queen shrugged.

She smashed her wand on the ground; Adrien's statue crumbled into dust and got sucked into the wand. Yeah, I know, it was just as weird as it sounds. Style Queen herself then turned into gold dust, grabbing both Chloé and I, and dragging us with her.

"John!" I heard Dad cry out, but of course, it was too late.

So, uh, flying around with weird sentient gold dust wasn't fun, mainly because Chloé clung onto me like a koala the whole time, screaming her head off.

We were then dumped onto the foyer of the Agreste's mansion. As soon as we landed, Chloé shoved me away, like I was the one clinging onto _her_. Man, sometimes I really wanted to punch her in the face.

"Courtney!" Style Queen snapped. "Uh - Chloé, ugly boy, where is Gabriel Agreste?"

"He usually never leaves his house!" Chloé gasped.

 _That man's even more of a hermit than me_ , I scowled.

"Don't worry, Hawk Moth, you'll get your costume jewels." Style Queen uttered to herself. Then, for a second time, she turned into gold dust and grabbed Chloé and I. Chloé clung onto me again.

"Please, Mom, stop!" she begged, crying into my shoulder.

And of course we went to the top level of the Eiffel Tower, because where else would a French villain go. After dumping us on the ground again, Style Queen brought out her wand, using it to summon the statue of Adrien lying on a table.

"Keep this for me, sleeping beauty," she said, putting a rose in gold-Adrien's mouth. She then put a force field around him. I also noticed his statue was slowly crumbling, turning to dust. What a great metaphor for life. For once, he was having a worse time than I was. Or maybe not. At least he didn't have worries as a statue.

Chloé looked like she was about to say something, but I shook my head at her.

"Just go along with it," I told her.

"Make yourself useful, assistants, tell me if you see Ladybug and Chat Noir!" Style Queen told us.

"Yes, Style Queen!" Chloé nodded.

Style Queen turned into gold dust and flew off again. Chloé crossed her arms.

"Come on, Jason!" she snapped at me. "We've gotta think of something!"

"How about you start calling me John first, and then I'll help?" I grumbled.

"Ugh, whatever!" Chloé crossed her arms. "Help me free Adri-kins!"

"I don't think we're going to be able to break through that by ourselves," I eyed the forcefield. "Ladybug's around. Let's ask her for help."

I waved Ladybug over, since she was climbing up to us anyway. She landed on the railing above us.

"Did you see where your mother's Akuma landed?" she asked Chloé.

"It's in the rose she put on him," Chloé replied. "Where is Chat Noir?"

Ladybug frowned. "I wish I knew."

"Hey, Ladybug, just get Chloé and I out of here," I told her, waving my hands. "Style Queen is gonna come back and-"

"It's really impossible to find qualified staff these days."

Style Queen was behind us, her glittery gold features set in a scowl. She aimed her hand at us.

"You're both fired!" she roared.

"No!" Chloé shrieked.

I grabbed Chloé, pulling her out of the way. The gold dust beam narrowly missed us, thank the gods. Ladybug swung her yo-yo at Style Queen, but it just phased through her, as if she were a ghost.

"You still don't get it, huh, fashion victim?" Style Queen cackled. "I... AM _INVINCIBLE_!"

Chloé clung onto my hoodie. She stared up at me in fear for a second, before shaking herself out of it.

"Lucky Charm!" Ladybug cried out. A mallet appeared in her hand. "A mallet? What am I supposed to do with this?"

"Beat her skull in?" I suggested.

"Don't be ridiculous, smelly boy!" Style Queen kicked Ladybug to the wall. "She can't even _touch_ me!" She turned back to us, a wicked grin on her face. "Now, to get rid of two useless assistants!"

There was it again. Useless. Useless, useless, useless… my head was pounding.

_You can't lie to yourself forever. Pathetic little welp. Your knowledge and power will get the better of you._

_No it won't. Because I don't care. I'm just trying to live._

_If you really don't care… then you'll be fine with dying instead._

_You know what… maybe I will._

"Mom… shut up!"

Chloé stood up, standing above me.

"I'm not useless!" she shrieked. "John's kinda ugly and he smells weird, but he's not useless either!"

 _Wow, my self esteem is just going through the charts_ , I rolled my eyes.

"Oh, be quiet," Style Queen huffed. "If you like this disgusting boy so much, let's see how well you live without him!"

She sent out a golden beam towards me.

"MOVE, JOHN!" Chloé cried at me.

So I did, jumping out of the way at the last second. Unfortunately, while I did that, Style Queen took the chance to turn Chloé into a gold statue. My heart dropped to my stomach, as I stared at her golden face.

_That. Bitch._

"No!" Ladybug gasped.

"I am… INVINCIBLE!" Style Queen cackled like a maniac.

Ladybug grabbed me underarm and carried me off. I wrapped my arms around her neck, as we flew through Paris. I couldn't even find it in me to be scared anymore. I just felt… guilt. Guilt that made me want to cry.

We eventually landed in the streets of Paris. Ladybug let me go.

"Thanks for helping," Ladybug told me, rubbing the back of her head.

"Mar…" I trailed off. "Ladybug… you know, my step-mom, Avril-"

"I can't give her a Miraculous again," Ladybug shook her head. "She was a good hero, but not right for the job."

In my opinion, she was perfect for the job, but whatever, adults are lame, I guess.

"John…" Ladybug stared at me. "Maybe you-"

"Not me," I shook my head. "I can give you advice, but the 'heroism' thing isn't my jam."

Ladybug tilted her head. "Hmm… stay here."

* * *

Ladybug came back soon after, carrying something which I couldn't see too well. Alya was behind her, phone in hand. Ladybug waved at me.

"I know what I'm going to do," she told me. "It'll work out, John!"

She continued on her way to the Eiffel Tower. For some reason, I was getting some uneasy feelings. And for once, I decided to listen to my heart. Which was also my head, I guess.

So I followed on the ground, approaching the Eiffel Tower. I couldn't exactly see what was going up there, aside from flashes of gold glitter and shouting. I made my way onto the staircase to try and see if I could get a better look.

"Hey, it's you!"

I jumped. Right beside me was this weird little cat Pop Funko creature, its eyes huge and green, hovering beside my head.

I stepped back, nearly falling down the stairs. "What the f-"

Then it coughed. "Whoops, a little too reckless." It flew off before I could say anything more.

_What the fuck…?_

I decided to continue climbing up the Eiffel Tower, despite that weird experience. On my way up, I spotted a little yellow jewelry box on the ground. I raised my brow, picking it up.

_Did someone drop this…?_

And then the Eiffel Tower began falling apart. Seriously, the whole thing began to crumble right beneath my feet. Bits and pieces were falling down, crashing around me. My heart started racing a hundred miles an hour.

_Why did I come up here…_

Of course, I tried to run away, but a piece of the Eiffel Tower was about to crush me…

… and then I was fine? The Eiffel Tower was back to normal, and I was still holding the yellow jewellry box. I could hear chatter, too. So it turned out, everything was all good. I was alive… for the meantime.

 _Huh_ , I thought. _So Ladybug saved the day after all…_

I gazed at the box in my hand. It had some weird symbols on the front. Symbols that made me… uneasy.

I stood up. It was time to get out of there.

"John!"

Chloé walked up to me, her mother behind her. Both were panting heavily.

"What are you doing?" Chloé demanded, slapping my shoulder. "Come on, we'll be late for the fashion show!"

"You want me to come, huh?" I asked, standing up.

Chloé eyed the box in my hands. "What's that?"

"I dunno," I shrugged. "Probably something dangerous. Best we leave it alone."

Chloé furrowed her brow. "Can I have it?"

"No, weirdo," I grumbled. "It's not even yours, dammit!"

Chloé's expression darkened for a moment, before going back to a pout. "Fine. Whatever. Let's just go."


	28. The Bourgeois family needs to chill part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted a drawing of John and Chloe on my social media if you're interested. :D

The bitch stole it. The damn bitch stole the box.

Seriously. I'd just gotten back to my chair in that stupid Grand Palais fashion show when I realised Chloé Bourgeois had stolen the damn jewellery box thing.

 _Ugh, I knew she was being more annoying than usual_ , I stood up to try and find the damn witch. _Why would she steal it, though? To get attention or something? I guess it looked pretty special for a box-_

"John!"

Dad wrapped his arms around me, pulling me down again. "Oh, thank the gods, you're okay!"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," I mumbled into his arm.

"Well, if this is what _all_ fashion shows are like, maybe we'll avoid them in the future," Dad joked, sweating all over.

"Smart thinking," I grunted.

The lights and blaring music stopped our conversation. We watched Adrien walk down the glamorous catwalk (ha ha very punny) and strike a few corny poses. The lights flashed, almost blinding me ten times over. I was just able to see Adrien wearing Marinette's hat. I wasn't some fashion expert or critic or whatever, but he looked... alright, I guess.

Of course, Alya was live-streaming the whole thing, because you need them views. While all the flashing lights and annoying music were eye-catching and everything, the actual show wasn't really keeping me that entertained.

I pouted, sneakily pulling out my phone.

 _Man_ , I thought. _This thing is such a drag. When's it gonna be-_

And then I looked up, because things suddenly got interesting.

"Ladybloggers, a huge update!" I heard Alya gasp. "That's Gabriel Agreste; he hasn't been in public in ages."

Yup, you heard her. Gabriel Agreste himself was standing on the catwalk, staring at his son. Adrien stared back. It was hard to pinpoint the expression on his face.

Gabriel walked towards Adrien, and stopped right in front of him. Adrien stood there, frozen in shock. We all leaned forward in anticipation. Except for me, I leaned forward in, like, mild interest, I guess.

Adrien took off his hat. And then... his father pulled him in for a hug. Adrien paused, before wrapping his arms around his father while holding the hat. The paparazzi went crazy, taking photos of Adrien and his father in embrace.

"Scoop number two!" Alya cried. "Gabriel Agreste has just turned up!"

(I had no idea what the Hell that meant, honestly.)

Audrey unfolded her arms and pulled her sunglasses down with her finger. The box stealer - aka Chloé - mimicked the same pose. Alya and Marinette stood up in excitement. As nice as the hug was, I still wanted to go home and cry myself to sleep.

"And that means we'll be seeing your hat in every single photo and news broadcast!" Alya cheered to Marinette.

The paparazzi kept taking photos as the Agreste duo kept hugging and all that. Dad put his arm around me.

_Please just let this be over now…_

Unfortunately, I had to stick around to watch some more family drama. Gabriel and Adrien stopped hugging and turned their attention to the Bourgeois family.

"My dear Audrey, I heard about the unforgivable misfortune you had to endure." Gabriel told her, kissing her hand like one of those Reddit white knights.

 _You should be saying that to everyone that got turned into a damn statue,_ I narrowed my eyes at him.

"I'm _still_ quite overwhelmed." Audrey admitted, taking her hand back.

"I want you to know that I've fired the person who was responsible for the misunderstanding," Gabriel told her. "Only one row in the house is befitting to Audrey Bourgeois and that's the first."

 _How far up her ass are you?_ I glowered at Gabriel.

"Did you enjoy the show?" Gabriel asked.

"So-so," Audrey huffed. She took Adrien's hat off his head and examined it. "This hat is not a 'Gabriel Agreste'." She glared at Marinette. "Are you responsible for that?"

I tried to give Marinette a thumbs up. As much as Marinette got on my nerves, I liked her a little more than Audrey Bourgeois… I suppose.

"I… I'm the one who created it." Marinette blushed.

"Marinette won a fashion design competition." Gabriel explained.

Audrey lifted her glasses to get a better look at the hat. "It's the most…"

Chloé beamed, smugly.

"... exceptional thing I've ever seen!" Audrey gasped. "You're a visionary, Marinette! Glitter's had its day." She lifted her arms. "Feathers are the trend of tomorrow! I haven't felt this much emotion since…" She looked at Gabriel. "You."

 _Doesn't he have a wife?_ I thought. The realisation that Gabriel was actually married was not a nice one. Well, maybe there's hope for you all, lovesick weirdos.

"You wanna be a fashion designer, right?" Audrey asked Marinette.

"Um…" Marinette stared at her feet. "Yes, ma'am."

"Then come to New York with me!" Audrey put Adrien's hat back on his head. "I'll make you the biggest name in fashion! I'm sure you'll even upstage Gabriel."

"I'll be able to model for you!" Adrien added in.

"We'll be here for you honey, no matter what you decide!" Marinette's mother grinned at her daughter.

"My helicopter will be leaving for the airport at 8 p.m. tonight." Audrey said, putting her glasses back on.

Marinette sweat-beaded, head in her hands. "I… I…"

Chloé, on the other hand, was completely flabbergasted. Girl deserved it. That's what you get for being a thief.

"Isn't this awesome for Marinette, Chloé?" Adrien asked.

"It's... It's ridiculous!" Chloé stuttered. "Utterly ridiculous!" She turned to her mother. "I've never been to New York with you and you're taking Marinette Dupain-Cheng!?"

"I'm taking her because she's exceptional, Claudette," Audrey responded. "Uh - Chloé."

" _I'm_ exceptional, too!" Chloé pointed out.

 _Exceptionally shit,_ I thought.

"The only exceptional thing about you, my dear… is your mother." Audrey huffed.

_Wow… that's an even harder burn than I gave._

Marinette and Adrien looked at each other, frowning. I looked at the ground, giving it a frown of my own. I might've felt bad for Chloé for… a millisecond. Just barely. Maybe, maybe not.

André tried to comfort his daughter by reaching out a hand. "Chloé!"

"Ugh!" Chloé snapped, whipping her hair out of her face. "I'll show you how exceptional I can be!"

And then she pulled out the damn box she stole. She opened it, revealing a glowing, yellow orb.

"No!" Marinette shouted, right in front of Gabriel Agreste, who was just as awestruck. Wonder how he didn't pick that up.

A little bee-themed Pop Funko creature emerged from the glowing ball, flapping its little wings. It had large, brown anime eyes and a huge-ass head. It was similar to both Tikki and that weird cat thing I'd seen.

 _I guess those Pop Funko creatures have to do with their Miraculous powers..._ I thought.

"How may I please you, my Queen?" the bee asked Chloé. I really hoped its name was Barry or something.

"What is _that_ thing?!" André demanded.

"Chloé…" Adrien gasped. "What are you doing?!"

Oh look, another red flag, right in front of Hawk Moth himself. See why I was sick of those idiots?

Chloé chucked her sunglasses away in a dramatic fashion and put a bee-themed hair comb in her hair. My eyebrow twitched; I knew what she was doing, right in front of the big bad villain. Damn... I just wanted to punch myself in the face.

"CHLOÉ, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!" I yelled. "DON'T DO IT! YOU'RE GONNA DIE!"

"Pollen, Buzz On!" Chloé shouted, completely ignoring me.

And then she went through a full-on magical girl transformation, right in front of us. She did a backward flip, landing on a Gabriel Agreste board.

She was dressed in a yellow and black domino mask. Her hair was pinned back in a curled ponytail tied with a black hairband, with two black antennae-like ribbons sticking out from the hairband, as well as the comb. Her yellow costume was made up of many tiny hexagonal patterns with a black collar, three black stripes on her torso, and other parts of her body. Her black boots went down the length of her lower legs. She had a weapon, a spinning top, tied around her waist.

Honestly, she still looked like herself. But of course, no one would've guessed her identity unless she revealed it. Then again, Chloé wasn't the type to keep secrets at all.

"I am Chloé Bourgeois and from now on I'll be your new superhero, Queen Bee!" Chloé cackled. "We'll soon see if you think Dupain-Cheng is still more exceptional than moi! Spinning Top!"

She pulled out her spinning top. She slung it across the room, propelling herself away, much like Ladybug did with her yo-yo.

"What is happening to our beloved daughter?!" André gasped.

"She always was such a show-off." Audrey huffed, casually walking down the catwalk. "See you tonight, Marinette. I'll meet you at my helicopter."

André chased after her. And there was, of course, only one person _I_ had to chase after.

"Sorry, Dad," I turned to my father. "I've gotta go somewhere."

"What?" Dad asked, grabbing my arm. "Where?"

"I... need to speak to a friend," I got out. "I'll call you later."

As I was about to leave, Marinette suddenly raced over to me, reaching out a hand. I sighed and gazed down at her.

"Hey, um, John," Marinette tapped her fingers together. "Quick question, but, uh… I've been meaning to ask you this for a while, but… I think you joked about me being Ladybug. Where'd you get that from?"

"Well, you _are_ her, right?" I asked.

Marinette blinked at me. "You…"

"Ah, don't be silly, John," Alya came over, punching me in the arm. "We all know she ain't Ladybug. You're just a jokester."

I furrowed my brow. "Right. Of course. I'm a big jokester."

And then I raced out of the building, getting back into wide, open streets. I tried to clear my thoughts and focus on what I had to do, but Alya's grin was still at the back of my head. The sky was still blue, and people were walking about, but all I had my eye out for were flashes of yellow and black. And soon, I saw a few. I breathed in. My lungs were going to hate me.

* * *

Introduce Place de la Concorde, which is pretty much just a big public square. In fact, it's the largest square of the French capital. It was also the site of many notable public executions of royalty during the French Revolution... but I'm not here to give you all a French history lesson. I'm here to tell you why my life is horrible.

So, through my blood, sweat and tears (literally, please don't ask), I managed to catch up to Chloé aka Queen Bee, who had placed herself right on top of the Roue de Paris, aka a 60 meter tall transportable Ferris wheel. It's actually pretty cool, but once again, I'm not here to tell you about French lore… as much as I wish I could.

I was pretty pissed when I saw Queen Bee on top of the Roue de Paris since I was sweating up a storm, my legs felt like shit; thus, I didn't have the energy to shout at her for twenty minutes. I had to slump down on the ground and breathe in and out like some kind of guided meditation.

"Ugh, Jaune!" her whiny voice pierced my hearing aid. "What are you doing here?"

I looked up. She was standing above me, arms crossed.

"Listen, Bourgeois," I growled, getting back on my jelly knees, "you don't know what you've done."

"Oh shush, Jack," Queen Bee waved a hand. "You don't know anything about being a hero. I'm going to protect Paris and become the strongest hero ever!"

"I think _you're_ the one who doesn't know anything about being a hero," I grunted. "Yeah, I don't either, Chloé, but at least I'm smart enough to understand that slapping my name to that shit isn't a smart idea, even if it's damn obvious anyway."

"Ugh, you're so annoying, Joel," Queen Bee shook her head. "I don't have time for you and your little worries."

"Yes you do," I crossed my arms. "There's no danger around here. You've got _plenty_ of time."

"No danger, huh…" Queen Bee furrowed her brows. "Hmm…" I did not like that look.

"Hey," I stormed over to her. "Don't come up with anything stupid." I breathed out. "Listen, why don't you just revert back to yourself and when someone actually gets akumatized, you can help Ladybug and Chat Noir?"

"No way!" Queen Bee shook her head. "This is something I need to do by myself."

I sighed. This girl was hopeless. Even I couldn't save her.

 _Sorry, Marinette, Adrien…_ I looked down. _I tried._

I saw Queen Bee eyeing the metro, with an almost hungry look.

"Chloé, please," I tried to sound… nicer, I guess. "Don't do it. You can be a real hero, you know. Making up shit won't help you."

 _You're acting like that Lila girl_ , my lip trembled. _And I always thought you were at least better than her._

But of course, it was too late. Queen Bee ran off, jumping into the metro, weapons in hand. I sighed, looking away.

_What's the point of helping her… she won't listen to me. No one listens to me._

My heart sunk; I clenched my jacket in a fist. At first… it felt like a million weights were dragging me down. Then it started to feel... hot. Fiery, burning heat that raced through my entire body. My fists shook. I clenched my teeth.

_Pieces of shit… I don't care about any of you anyway._

I swear I saw the Butterfly Man beaming down at me from above.

_That's right… give into despair._

Then I heard a sigh. He scowled.

_But he'll pass you this time, only because that other one has a Miraculous… what a shame. He's truly missing out on you, isn't he?_

I snapped my head up. _Chloé…_

I pulled out my phone. The news was reporting on everything that had happened in the metro. Queen Bee was there, of course, as well as a furious Ladybug.

" _Oh, Ladybug, you're too kind!_ " Queen Bee chuckled, shoving her way onto the news. " _This was teamwork. Oh, how amazing is this⁈ We're a team now!_ "

" _You're the one who paralyzed the metro driver, aren't you?_ " Ladybug snapped. " _You used your power to create this situation just to make yourself look good!_ "

" _Who cares?_ " Queen Bee huffed. " _We saved them, didn't we?_ "

" _Queen Bee, or rather, Chloé Bourgeois, we're on the air with your mother, Audrey Bourgeois_ ," Nadja said. " _Audrey, do you have anything to say, live, on TV?_ "

" _What?_ " Audrey grumbled. " _Regarding my daughter's ineptitude? I think it speaks for itself, doesn't it?_ "

Welp, that was all I needed to see. I stood up, ignoring the booming voice at the back of my head.

_I better get my dad to safety…_

* * *

As you can probably guess, things weren't going too well around the streets of Paris. First of all, a lot of people had been paralysed and frozen in place thanks to what I was guessing were… vampire bites on their neck? Second of all, a car was flying right for my head, being carried by… wasps? You've really seen it all, folks.

Before the car could crush me like a pancake, Ladybug spanned a net, catching it.

And then I saw Chloé/Queen Bee/total bitch flying in the air, standing on two clusters of glowing wasps. Her outfit had inverted its colours and her hair had turned blackish-gray with a yellow band going through. She also had light blue scleras with magenta irises and dusty, yellow skin.

"Chloé, are you serious…?" I groaned, getting closer to the Seine.

Queen Bee cackled and peered down when she saw me. "It's Queen Wasp to _you_ , James."

"For fuck's sake!" I shouted. "At least get my name right!"

Queen Wasp just rolled her eyes. A surge of rage went right through me.

"You know, maybe _that's_ why your mom doesn't think you're exceptional," I spat. "Because no matter how many times I try to help you, you just push me away. You have no regard for other people. You're even more pathetic than me." I laughed. "But what's the point of trying to talk to you? You don't care, anyway."

Queen Wasp trailed off, for a split second, almost looking guilty. "John…"

I walked off. "Do what you want. I don't care either."

I swear I heard her choking or something. Then a scream of rage.

"UGH! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MY LIFE?!"

Wasps appeared all around me. Everywhere around me were glowing patches of yellow. My body was frozen.

"I'LL SHOW YOU!" Queen Wasp shouted, her voice choked up. "I'LL SHOW YOU HOW EXCEPTIONAL I AM!"

She stood in front of me. We stared at each other, long and hard. But for once, I didn't actually feel scared.

… because I saw two moving trash-cans behind Queen Wasp.

I'm serious. There were two green recycle bins moving around, like they were in some corny spy movie. Queen Wasp caught my eye.

"... what are you looking at?" she asked.

She turned around, spotting the bins.

"Ugh!" she shrieked. "That's disgusting!"

The bins came flying towards Queen Wasp, revealing Chat Noir and Ladybug.

"You two?!" Queen Wasp. She cackled, raising her arms. "Very well! Bow to your queen!"

Chat Noir lunged towards her, wrapping his arms and legs around her waist. For some reason, he was also carrying an inflatable duck, a hose, and a snorkel. Ladybug jumped down to the Seine, wrapping her yo-yo around Queen Wasp's ankle as she fell, pulling both her and Cat Noir down into the Seine, and leaving me extremely confuddled. I sat there and had an existential crisis for about five minutes.

Then out of nowhere, all the glowing wasps disappeared, and the akuma flew off. Chat Noir and Ladybug burst out of the water, Chat Noir holding the inflatable duck and hose.

"No more evil-doing for you, little akuma," Ladybug held out her yo-yo. "Time to de-evilize!" She caught the akuma. "Gotcha!" And soundly released it. "Bye bye, little butterfly. Miraculous Ladybug!"

And wow, what do you know, Paris was saved again. I had never been more confused in my entire life. The _joy_ of being a bystander.

"I think Chloé still has that Miraculous," I told them.

Ladybug sighed. "I know. Hopefully, she'll give it back."

* * *

"Give me a second chance, please!"

I sighed, eyeing Chloé as she grovelled on her knees. Ladybug and Chat Noir stood above her.

Chat Noir put a hand on her shoulder. "I know that you did the things you did to impress your mother."

"Anyone can make mistakes, even a superhero," Ladybug agreed. "What matters is how you fix them. I personally made one by losing that Miraculous. Don't make the mistake of _not_ giving it back. Act like a hero."

"And show everyone how exceptional you can be." Chat Noir added.

Chloé didn't say anything. She gazed at me leaning against the wall. I just nodded at her.

Chloé, slowly, handed the Miraculous over.

"Thank you," Ladybug turned away. She and Chat Noir walked off.

"Ladybug, Chat Noir?" Chloé called out, biting her lip. "I'm… I'm sorry."

Ladybug and Chat Noir just smiled, before leaving. Chloé stood up, staring at me. We had an awkward silence.

"I'm done with you," I told her.

"Well, whatever," she huffed. "You're fired, anyway, Joe."

"Like I care," I rolled my eyes.

She crossed her arms. "I might consider reinstating you… at some point."

"Of course," I groaned, walking away.

"But don't count on it!" she called.

"I won't," I waved her off, smiling.

I swear as I walked away I heard her say 'sorry'... or maybe I was just hearing things. You decide.


	29. Moms are scarier than spiders

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Not doing Malediktator since we've had enough of Chloé for now…

So, sport. Not really my thing. I'm pretty much useless at literally every sport ever. What I was interested in, I suppose, were fireworks. I mean, I wasn't _obsessed_ with them, but I did enjoy them from time to time.

Of course, there was this big firework show happening after the World Cup. It was taking place at the Place de la Concorde Ferris Wheel. Mom, Avril, the demon twins, and myself of course, were all going there to see it.

Mom put all of her picnic delights in the picnic basket and grinned at us from the front door. "Ready to go?"

She was dressed in a sparkly, blue dress with black heels, a fancy leather jacket, and a pearl necklace. I swear she thought it was a date or something.

"Of course, baby," Avril kissed her on the cheek. She was wearing a white tuxedo, because honestly, why not. Wedding day ahoy.

"Yeah!" the twins jumped up and down, dressed in little ballerina-esque outfits.

By the way, if you really need to know, I was dressed in a black hoodie. I honestly saw no point in wearing something fancier. Sorry not sorry.

I sighed as we left the house. _Please don't let it be too busy…_

* * *

Good news: it wasn't too busy. Bad news: there were still people there, and that ticked me off. I hate people. And by that I mean I saw Marinette, Alya and Nino in the que. Because you know, I haven't seen them enough.

We approached the Ferris Wheel, the sunset tinting the sky an orangey-pink. We got in the que, lining up before the looming Ferris Wheel, watching the green cabins going around and around. Eventually, the five of us got our own cabin, slightly bigger than some of the others to fit all of us.

"Don't run, girls," Mom told the demon twins as they raced into the cabin, peering out the windows.

Avril put her arm around me. "Reckon the show's gonna be good, John?"

I shrugged. "Probably not."

"Why not?" Avril made a face.

"Oh no, not the fireworks show itself," I said. "I just mean some dumb shit will happen to us and we might die."

"No need to be so pessimistic," Avril shook her head.

"Have you seen the world we live in?" I asked. "Everyday there are people running around with the abilities to turn people into jelly or whatever and also there's no one who can recognise some girl just because she puts on some crappy mask. It's a nightmare."

"I think it's time we give you some therapy," Avril muttered.

We sat down in the cabin. Mom smiled at all of us, sitting opposite to me with the twins. Mardi grinned at me, while Lucetta stuck her tongue out. Avril just winked, putting an arm on my shoulder. I groaned internally.

The cabin slowly rose into the air. We gazed out at the peachy sky; soon, it was full of bright, bursting colours. The twins' eyes lit up with wonder.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Mom asked, grabbing my hand.

"I guess," I said.

Avril got out her phone. "Say cheese!"

Mom stood up. She signalled me over. I stood in her embrace, alongside the twins. We all smiled (yes, even me).

And then the cabin stopped. The ground shook beneath us.

"What's going on?!" Mardi trembled, clinging onto my waist.

Avril furrowed her brow. "Stay calm."

I breathed out, fumbling with my hearing aid. There was… something real nasty outside. Something that made me want to die.

"What is it, John?" Mom caught my eye. She went pale. "Oh my God…"

There was this… huge, spindly spider-humanoid monster in the center of the Ferris Wheel, spinning a web. She (I think) had dark skin and yellow hair braided into a spiky ponytail. She had six eyes which were white and outlined in black. Her costume was black with yellow stripes. A black and yellow spider design was on her chest. She had six arms.

"What the Hell is that…?" Mom stepped back.

"Get back, kids," Avril stepped forward, putting herself in front of us. That 'Rena Rogue' expression appeared on her face.

The spider creature crawled over to us, all six of her eyes peering into my soul. I clung onto Avril's cardigan.

"Well, well, well, fly-weights," she giggled. "You're not the ones I'm looking for, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve some protection."

"Stay back, you spider bitch," Avril kicked the window down like an absolute chad, holding out her arms. Have I mentioned that she was most likely the most badass stepmom to ever exist?

"The name's Anansi," the spider thing hissed. "Think you can take me on? The fly always loses to the spider."

"Well, lucky for you, I'm _not_ a fly," Avril growled. "I'm a hero."

"Honey, please, come back!" Mom cried, holding back the twins.

"Look after the kids, Laura," Avril huffed, hauling herself onto the roof of the cabin. She held out her leg, giving Anansi a mighty kick in the face. Anansi bared her many, many teeth.

"Stupid fly!" she roared, charging towards my step-mother. The roof above nearly caved in. I heard a nasty slash. And then the sound of an arrogant meow.

"All those arms, that's convenient, but you destroyed my scratching post."

Chat Noir grinned, leaning on his staff as he also stood on the roof.

"Need a hand, kitty cat?" Anansi hissed, lunging towards him. He jumped onto the Ferris Wheel's railing, escaping her many legs. Her focus suddenly shifted elsewhere. She crawled towards yet another cabin. A cabin that contained Marinette, Alya, and Nino.

 _Sucks to be them_ , I thought.

Suddenly, our cabin groaned ominously. It shook from its own weight. The ground seemed a lot further than it did before. Nausea rose in my throat.

"Ugh…" Avril brought herself back down to us, breathing heavily. Blood was tainting her white tuxedo.

"Honey!" Mom gasped, racing over to her.

"Mom!" the twins gasped.

The Ferris Wheel shook again. The cabin containing the three stooges had been thrown to the ground. I felt yet another ominous shake.

"We have to get outta here," I spoke up.

"How?" Mom demanded, shaking all over. She turned to Avril. "Oh, Chat Noir's distracted… honey, what do we do?"

Avril furrowed her brow. "Ugh… my head…"

"Mom!" the twins raced over to her.

The Ferris Wheel groaned. I glanced out the window; Chat Noir's whole body was slammed into the Ferris Wheel. The Ferris Wheel gave another wobble.

And then all Hell broke loose.

The Ferris Wheel suddenly disconnected from its railings, and began to roll, us still inside. Mom grabbed onto me and twins, crying out as we were mercilessly flung around. The world spun around and around, blood pounding in my ears. I couldn't tell which way was which anymore. I swear I banged my head on something. My hearing went up and down as well, so I could only hear half of everything going on.

_Dammit… I hate spiders._

My eyes glazed over, I gazed at the distance. The Seine was approaching.

_Not again… why does it always come back to here…_

Just as we were all about to drown, Chat Noir showed up, staff in hand. He launched it out, stopping the Ferris Wheel before it could plunge into the Seine. We stopped with a jarring shudder.

"Oh thank God…" Mom fell to her knees, her blonde hair all over the place. Avril was in the corner, hugging her daughters. I walked over to Mom, who wrapped me in her arms. And for once, I let her.

* * *

Soon, we were off the Ferris Wheel, alongside everyone else that had been on there. Ladybug and Chat Noir were standing there, expressions grim.

"Thank you, Chat Noir," Mom grinned at Chat Noir.

"You do pretty well without me, I see." Ladybug told Chat Noir.

"Yup, but it's so much nicer when you're here, M'Lady." Chat Noir winked at her.

"Let's go show that spider what two superheroes are capable of!" Ladybug punched the air. "Ha!"

They took off, headed to the streets, which of course, were lathered in cobwebs.

Mom wiped off her shiny dress. "I think it's time we went home."

I had a feeling that getting home wasn't going to be as easy as we all wanted it to be. Pretty sure I don't even need to tell you whether or not my feelings were justified.

Mom and Avril walked ahead, leading us to the car, which was parked opposite of the Ferris Wheel's usual location, in a busy parking lot. Avril kept twitching, though. I could tell she had an itch. An itch I'd call 'the desire to become a hero again'.

"Laura…" Avril breathed out. "I have to go back…"

"No, Avril," Mom slapped Avril's shoulder. "We've talked about this. No more of this hero business! It's too dangerous for both yourself and the kids! Besides, your head! We should be going to hospital!"

"Ugh, hospital…" Avril groaned, almost childishly.

"Come on," Mom opened the SUV's door. "Let's go."

"Mom…" Mardi glanced up at her mother, brown eyes watering. Lucetta hid her face with her hands.

I was about to slide into the car, when I saw that damn spider thing again. Anansi was coming straight for us, baring her spidery fangs.

"MOM!" I cried out.

Avril held out her hands, wiping the blood off her forehead. "Let me handle this."

"No, Avril," Mom turned on her wife. "You've gone too far." Her fists shook. "This time… I… I'll take care of it."

"Laura, are you insane?!" Avril grabbed Mom's shoulders. "You can't handle that thing!"

"I have to try," Mom said. "I'm… I'm always running away. But this is my life, Avril. I choose to fight, for once."

I felt a flash of nostalgia for some reason.

Mom furrowed her brow, giving me a brief smile. She held out her arms.

"Stay away!" she yelled at the approaching Anansi.

"Another fly-weight?" Anansi teased. "I'll put you up in my web."

She lunged towards Mom, whose body was shaking. Avril cried out, only for her eyes to roll back in her head. She collapsed onto the pavement.

"MOM!" both the twins screamed.

 _Fuck_ , I thought. Then I muttered a bunch of French curse words which I'm not going to translate.

I knew I was gonna have to step in. But then… something I really didn't expect happened. In other words, someone stepped in _for_ me.

"STAY BACK, SPIDER!"

Out of freaking nowhere, Nino Lahiffe showed up, charging towards Anansi.

"First Alya, and now my friend John's mom?!" he roared. "I'll take you out, eight-legs!"

 _Friend?_ I groaned. _I barely even know you!_

(Still, I admit, I was a little flattered. Just a little.)

Mom stepped back in surprise. She shook her head.

"Be careful, young man!" she advised.

"Stupid little cappie," Anansi tsk-ed. She picked him up with one hand, chucking him in the air. Luckily, Ladybug pulled him down with her yo-yo, saving his silly ass.

"Watch out!" Ladybug advised. "You need to leave this to the professionals."

Mom, Nino, and I grouped up, hanging back, as Chat Noir and Ladybug fought Anansi. We must've looked like a group of cons or something. Nino was sweating all over.

"That damn spider…" he muttered.

"Indeed…" Mom wiped her sweaty brow.

"What's going on?" I asked Nino.

"Dude, Anansi is Alya's older sister Nora," Nino told me. "She kidnapped Alya and trapped her on a web at the Obélisque de Louxor! We gotta save her and kick that spider's butt!"

"I… I think we really should leave this to the professionals," Mom spoke up. Words of wisdom.

"No way, Alya's my friend," Nino shook his head. "I wanna help her."

He fumbled with his hands as he said 'friend', so I had a feeling we had a case of boring teenage romance on our hands. Absolutely enthralling. I would've rather been eaten by a big spider, or actually sit through the World Cup.

I briefly glanced at the fight between Anansi and the superheroes. Anansi was absolutely crushing them (almost literally), taking them down, blow after blow. Seriously, she slammed Chat Noir into a car, sending them both flying. Then she trapped him on a giant-ass web of hers.

"Why not ask those two if they need help?" I suggested.

Nino's eyes lit up. "Good idea, dude!"

Ladybug crashed into the ground, alongside Chat Noir's staff, who'd been separated from its owner. Nino raced over to her.

"Maybe I could help you?" he offered. Ladybug gasped. He bowed his head. "Uh, I get it. It's cool. I'm no superhero. I'd tried to save Alya, but… guess I'm not strong enough."

"Let me tell you a secret, uh…" Ladybug made a face, picking up Chat Noir's staff.

"Nino," Nino nodded. "The name's Nino."

"Nino," Ladybug put her hand on Nino's shoulder. "When you're facing a supervillain, strength doesn't make a difference. Courage and determination do." She gave him Chat Noir's staff. "We can't let Anansi get Chat Noir's Miraculous. Use this to defend yourself and distract her. I won't be long."

Nino's eyes widened in amazement, while Ladybug ran off.

 _Where's she headed to?_ I raised my brow.

"Hey arachnid!" Nino held out the staff.

"Ah, so you're back, cappie?" Anansi teased.

They began fighting, Nino waving around his staff, pretty uselessly if I'm being honest. Mom's body was shaking.

"You kids are so brave…" she breathed out.

"Not me," I grumbled.

"You're plenty brave, John," Mom squeezed my shoulder. "You're willing to stand by me."

I looked away, cheeks burning. "Whatever."

"Wow, be careful," Anansi chuckled at Nino. "What are you trying to do with that little stick?"

"On your left," Chat Noir ordered, eyeing Nino waving his staff around. "No, on your right. No, the other right!"

Anansi grabbed the staff. "You're gonna hurt yourself."

She knocked him down to the ground with a hard shove.

"Nino!" Chat Noir cried.

Nino suddenly extended Chat Noir's staff and hit Anansi on the head, knocking her off her many feet.

"So, who's the fly-weight now, huh?" he teased.

Anansi bared her fangs. "All right, big boy."

She punched the ground, the force from the cracked pavement sending him flying. His face creased in pain. She kicked him down a few more times. His chest heaved.

"It's getting dangerous, Mom," I said. "We should…" I trailed off. Mom wasn't beside me anymore.

"Stop hurting children, you disgusting… thing," Mom spat, glaring at Anansi.

"Mom, no!" I yelled.

"Ma'am, stay back!" Chat Noir cried.

Mom's body trembled, but that didn't stop her getting out her handbag… and slamming it at Anansi, like an absolute badass. Believe it or not, that actually made Anansi stumble back.

"You fly-weights just don't get the hint, do ya?" Anansi chuckled.

She lunged towards Mom, reaching out three buff arms for her, and three buff arms for Nino. She picked them both up, launching them into the air. They went sailing through the air… until they were caught by a certain bug-themed superhero. I breathed out in relief. I swear that was, like, the third time that had happened.

"Good grief…" Mom hugged herself.

"Thanks, Ladydude - Uh, Ladybug," Nino grinned at Ladybug.

Mom came over to me, still hugging herself.

"I… I'm not doing that again," she breathed out.

"Please don't," I whimpered.

I observed Ladybug and Nino having a little chat… noir (okay bad pun, not sorry). Ladybug offered Nino a little box. He accepted the box, and there was a flash of light. And guess what, he became a superhero. Right out in the open. What's even the point of secret identities anymore, honestly.

"Wayzz, shell on!" he called out.

So there he was, all jazzed out in his new fursona, or to me, a bad TMNT cosplay. He had a dark green bodysuit with a hoodie, the suit itself made with tiny hexagonal patterns. Over his eyes, he wore black goggles with yellow-green lenses, and underneath the suit, he had a black collar. On his suit, he had some hexagon-shaped light green circles on his chest, and some dark gray hexagon-shaped protective pads around his body. He wore dark green boots with an indent between his big toe and other toes. On his back, he carried a shield that was dark green on one side and light green on the other.

"Goodness…" Mom muttered.

"That's crazy!" Nino looked at himself over. "I'm… Carapace now!"

"Stay focused!" Ladybug told him. "We have to hurry before Chat Noir transforms back. And we need him to save Alya. Lucky Charm!"

She pulled a pair of boxing gloves out of nowhere.

"Boxing gloves?" Carapace asked. "You're not gonna fight Anansi directly, are you?"

"Why not?" Ladybug asked. "It's a simple plan, but you have to protect us - me, Chat Noir and Alya." She put a hand on Carapace's shoulder. "You've already proved you're capable of doing it."

Mom made a face. "Do I not get any credit…?"

"You wanna be involved with all that now?" I asked her.

Mom breathed out. "I suppose not."

Still, I could sense some unrest in her voice.

 _What's so good about all of this hero crap?_ I thought. _They get one taste of it and suddenly they're addicted… it's like a drug. I tried it once and I ain't doing it again. Too dangerous._

"We need to go," Mom grabbed my shoulder, jolting me out of my thoughts. "Your step-mother needs to see a doctor immediately."

I nodded, gazing at a bruise on her arm. "I think… I think you need to see a doctor too."

We headed to the car. I glanced back at the heroes and Anansi. Ugh, all those spidery legs… they sent chills down my spine. Glad I got to run away from all of that.

I stared at Mom again, frowning. _Seriously, what's the kick in being in a hero?_


	30. Heroes' Day Disaster, part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Here's the first part of the season 2 finale… hope you like it. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I had a dream about a guy getting akumatized.

I wasn't sure why, but I felt like I knew him. I couldn't see him too well, but… he was very familiar. His silhouette flickered something in my memories.

He was standing in the streets of Paris, fists clenched. His body was shaking.

" _I can't take it anymore…_ " he muttered. He then smiled? " _But maybe I don't want to._ "

An akuma flew into something he was holding in his hand.

" _... yes, Hawk Moth,_ " the guy's grin grew. " _I'll finally expose those idiots._ "

He then turned and looked at me, a leer in his eyes, a blood-like substance running down his cheeks. I realised he wasn't like any other akumatized villain. He wasn't there just to ruin Paris. He had a mission to do. He wanted to kill Hawk Moth.

And then it hit me.

That guy was me. _I_ had been akumatized.

* * *

But that didn't make sense. I would've never let myself get akumatized. Or was it the future? No, it couldn't be...

_**You're in denial…** _

It was the Butterfly Man. Where was his voice coming from? I couldn't see anything but darkness.

I gritted my teeth. _No, I'm not._

_**Oh yes you are… you keep running and running away. But you know the truth. You know who I am. You know what you are.** _

_Shut up,_ I replied. _I'm not special. Leave me alone._

_**You can't keep lying to yourself. We're coming for you. You can't hide forever.** _

The vision around me shifted. I saw the guy again. No, it was me. I knew it was me, but it didn't feel like it.

"Johnny…"

And I'd seen him before too. Briefly around the streets of Paris. A doppelgänger. Kagami - or Riposte - had mentioned him. But how? Where was he from?

"Johnny!"

Johnny… was that what I could call him?

"JOHNNY!"

I sat up, clutching my doona. Piss was in the room, barking at me. My step-sisters were there too.

"You two?" I grumbled, settling back down. "What do you want?"

"It's Heroes Day!" they cheered.

 _Oh for fuck's sake_ , I groaned. _I forgot about that…_

Long story short, Heroes Day was when everyday citizens performed a good deed for other people's benefit. And considering how I felt about, uh, everyone, Heroes Day wasn't exactly my favourite day.

"Do a good deed for us!" the girls chirped.

"No thanks," I rolled out of bed. " _I'll_ decide who I want to do a good deed for, and it sure as hell won't be you two."

And then Mom came in.

"Ah, you're up, John," she placed her hands together. "That means you can go to the bakery for me."

I groaned. "Mom."

"It's Heroes Day," she shrugged.

"You always make me go to the bakery for you anyway," I grunted.

"Then while you're out, do _yourself_ a good deed and buy yourself something nice," Mom handed me a few more euros. "And then we'll go to the Heroes Day Parade later. How about that?"

"Ugh…" I leaned back. "Whatever. I'll go now."

"We're coming with you!" my step-sisters jumped up.

I groaned. "Do you have to?"

All three of them stared at me.

 _Man_ , I thought. _I'm such a simp._

"Fine," I sighed. "Let's go."

* * *

So there we were, my step-sisters and I, walking through the streets of Paris, headed to Tom & Sabine Boulangerie Patisserie. Piss was there too, by the way, padding ahead of us. Because dogs deserve good deeds too.

We walked into the bakery, the scent of fresh baked goods making me temporarily forget about Johnny and my step-sisters. Lucetta and Mardi had their eyes glued to the rows of pastries on display. Poor Piss had to stand outside because he liked baked goods a little _too_ much.

"... how 'bout just half, then? 500 macarons, 100 pies, 300 sweet buns, and just 1000 crossiants. That should be enough."

Ah, I recognised that voice. Marinette, of course. Behind the wall, only her silhouette was visible.

"If I didn't have this giant Ladybug cake to finish by tonight, I would gladly rise to the challenge but there's simply no way I can do both," a man's voice replied, her father I guess. "I've committed myself, Marinette. I can't let the mayor down."

"And I committed myself way over my head," Marinette sighed. "Now I'm gonna let my whole class down."

"It's not too late to tell them the truth," said a woman's voice, her mom. "Your friends will understand."

"But it won't be very heroic." Marinette replied.

"Yes, it will," Marinette's mom replied. "Being brave enough to face one's mistakes is heroic."

"You're right," Marinette said. "If I get to work right away, I'll have enough time to make the macarons by myself."

We saw her walking by, apron over her shoulder. She stopped to wave at me.

"Oh, hi, John," she said. "Sorry, can't talk. I've got a lot of baking to do!"

She raced off, headed to the kitchen.

 _There she goes again…_ I sighed.

Soon, her father came out, a jolly smile on his face. I quickly ordered all of the baked goods we needed, then led myself, Piss, and the demon twins out of the bakery, the goods over my shoulder. As usual, Piss was drooling everywhere. Stupid dog. I loved him.

"The Heroes Day Parade is gonna be so cool!" Mardi chirped.

"Yeah," Lucetta nodded. "Although, I think it's way too focused on Ladybug. What about Chat Noir?"

"No way, Ladybug's the best!" Mardi crossed her arms.

"So not true," Lucetta huffed. "Chat Noir is a thousand times cooler."

"Is not!" Mardi yelled.

"Hey, do _me_ a good deed and don't argue," I spoke up, crossing my arms.

The girls just giggled. I rolled my eyes.

Then I saw something that made me stop in my tracks. My whole body trembled. I almost let go of Piss' leash and the baked goods. Sweat pooled down my brow.

"John?" Mardi clung onto my arm. "What's wrong?"

It was Johnny, the guy from my dreams, standing right in front of me, blood dripping down his cheeks. My step-sisters gasped, hiding behind me. Piss growled, baring his teeth.

For once, I wasn't sure what to do. My body didn't want to move. Chills raced down my spine. I was stuck in place, staring into Johnny's lifeless eyes… _my_ eyes.

Then I saw a flash of orange nearby him. It was… familiar. What was that?

_Hold on…_

I took a slow step towards Johnny.

"John!" my step-sisters gasped.

I quickly swiped my hand at Johnny. He turned into blue dust and vanished. I stepped back.

"Lila," I muttered.

Lila - or should I say Volpina - appeared in front of me, looking just the same as she did the last time we met as Volpina. She leaned on her long, orange flute.

"Hey, John," she grinned. "Long time no see. I missed you."

I gritted my teeth, making sure my step-sisters were behind me, while Piss growled at her. "You've been akumatized again? How much of a dirtbag are you?"

"Dirtbag? Me?" Volpina gasped. "Why so rude, John? I thought we were friends!"

"My ass we were friends," I retorted. "We barely know each other. And of the interactions we did have, none of them result in us getting along."

Volpina gave me a twisted smile. The worst kind of smile.

"Honestly, John," she laughed. "Who do you think you are, someone special?"

"No," I replied.

"You ruined _everything_ for me, you know," she whimpered. "I was going to become a greater hero than Ladybug, then you came along and destroyed everything."

"Oh no, what a pity," I rolled my eyes. "You're the _last_ person Paris wants as a hero, Lila."

"Volpina," Volpina huffed.

"Lila," I replied. "Stop pretending to be someone you're not. You can be a real hero, you know."

I swear I saw steam coming out of Volpina's ears. The fox ears on her head, that is.

"You…!" she trailed off. "Oh, there's something about YOU, John." She blinked, almost lustfully. "Something that drives me… absolutely INSANE." She looked like she wanted to put my head in a blender. "I can't stand people like _you_. People that actually think they're more than a meaningless extra character."

"Well, I can't stand people like _you_ , either," I replied. "People that act nice but they're really monsters underneath."

"What did you do to deserve this attention?!" Volpina roared. "Nothing! You're a nobody! And yet you keep _appearing_!"

"Wow, I ask myself the same question everyday," I grunted.

Volpina put her flute to her lips. "I'll deal with you first. That way, you'll finally be out of the picture."

"With what?" I asked. "Your shitty illusions?"

Volpina blew into her flute. Smoke and dust rose. The Butterfly Man appeared.

"Who's that…?" Lucetta asked, eyes wide. Mardi looked away. Piss continued to growl.

"This asshole?" I asked. "You know him? It's obviously an illusion."

"Are you sure about that?" the Butterfly Man asked. He pulled out a long, sharp knife. And without a second thought, he appeared behind me, blade pointed at my arm. He sliced upwards, creating a clean cut, right through my sleeve. Blood dripped down my arm.

"What the…" I went pale.

My step-sisters screamed, stepping back. They held onto each other.

"I'll give you one last chance, John," the Butterfly Man leaned down, whispering into my air. "Become akumatized. Join us. Or I'll kill you _and_ them." He tipped his head, gazing at my step-sisters, then at Piss. "And your beloved parents as well. No illusions about it."

I realised I was shaking real bad. This wasn't just any old akuma attack that could get washed away. My whole family was in danger of being killed.

I bit my lip and shook myself out of it. "Don't be stupid. Ladybug's Miraculous will fix everything."

"Not if she doesn't win," the Butterfly Man replied. "Trust me, none of those superheroes are immune from me. They'll fall this time."

My breathing picked up. I clenched my jacket in a fist. There was… something different about the Butterfly Man. Unlike a lot of the other villains… he was getting to me. Was it his gaze? His voice? I'd never felt so…

"... why?" I asked. "Why do you want me to join you?"

"Because your knowledge is valuable," the Butterfly Man said, grabbing my chin with his free hand. "We could use someone like you. And plus, if you do join us… your family will never be in danger again. You won't have to put up with those annoying two superheroes or any other akuma attacks. You'll be safe. You'll get the normal life you've always wanted."

Sweat pooled down my brow. My step-sisters looked at each other, then back at us. They held out their fists.

"Stay away from our brother!" they roared. They charged towards us.

"NO!" I cried. "Get out of here!"

The Butterfly Man paused for a moment, then knocked them away with a quick slash. They crashed into a wall. Not dead, thank the gods.

"GIRLS!" I shouted. The knife's cool blade pierced my skin again. A warning.

The Butterfly Man winked at Volpina, who smirked.

"Well, you've got things covered here," she winked. "I've got a Parade to ruin."

She jumped off, leaving me at the mercy of the Butterfly Man. Piss growled at him, baring his teeth. The Butterfly Man, of course, kicked him away too. Not enough to kill him, though.

"I forgot how weak they were," he muttered. "Anyway, dear Johnny, have you made your choice?"

His knife gleamed. My lip trembled.

"I…" I stammered. "I…"

A shadow appeared over our heads, completely covering us. It was a huge, dark, glowing wave of… scarlet akumas. Thousands of them, flying through the air.

"What's going on?!" I demanded.

"Heroes Day is no more," the Butterfly Man told me. "Everyone in Paris is going to be akumatized. Those heroes won't stand a chance."

He directed my attention to a screen on a building nearby. On screen was Nadja Chamack, Jagged Stone, and Clara Nightingale.

" _Chat Noir defeated,_ " Nadja said. " _Ladybug in the clutches of the terrible Hawk Moth. This is Paris' worst nightmare._ "

In the background was footage of the Heroes Day' Parade. Ladybug and Chat Noir were fighting, or rather… Antibug and Chat Noir were fighting. Before long, Antibug used cataclysm on Chat Noir to destroy himself. She cackled evilly.

"Lila…" I muttered.

" _Ladybug defeated?_ " Jagged Stone asked. " _Nothing will ever be rock 'n roll again._ "

" _We'll have to cancel the concert?_ " Clara Nightingale gasped. She and Jagged Stone hugged sadly.

" _You're right, Clara,_ " Nadja agreed. " _There's no sense in celebrating Heroes' Day, either._ "

A wave of Akumas infiltrated the scene, turning the three of them into Guitar Villain, Frightningale, and Prime Queen, respectively.

Prime Queen grinned at the screen. " _Dear viewers, what does make sense is getting ready for the coming of…_ "

" _...our new lead rock star…_ " Guitar Villain continued.

" _... Scarlet Moth!_ " Frightningale finished.

The screen switched off.

"Scarlet Moth…" I muttered. "Hawk Moth's new nickname, I guess?"

"More than that," the Butterfly Man chuckled, darkly.

Suddenly, two akumas began flying towards my step-sisters.

"NO!" I cried.

Of course, too late. The akumas touched the buttons on their overalls, turning the girls back into Yin and Yang. They grinned, wielding their weapons.

My lip trembled. _No…_

"Scarlet Moth, here I come!" Yang cackled, flying off with her scythe in hand.

"Me first!" Yin whined, going off in a completely different direction. Piss whimpered. It was just us now.

An akuma flew over to us. It landed on the Butterfly Man's hand like he was a Disney Princess.

"Join us as well, John," he encouraged, holding out the akuma. "Or else."

He smiled. I wanted to punch him in the face. Or start crying.

 _No, that's what he wants_ , I thought. _I can't… I can't let it get to my head…_

The akuma was growing closer. I winced.

Then a flash of red and black went right past me, knocking into the Butterfly Man. He dropped me with a gasp.

Ladybug was there, holding out her yo-yo. She gasped when she looked at the Butterfly Man again.

"... Hawk Moth?" she blinked.

The Butterfly Man clicked his tongue. "I'll be back for you soon, Johnny."

He disappeared with a flash of dark dust. I stammered backwards. Ladybug came over, catching me before I could fall.

"Are you okay?" she asked me.

"Not really," I admitted. The gash on my arm stung like a bitch.

"Who was that?" Ladybug asked. "I've never seen him before… do you know him?"

I did _know_ him, and I was pretty sure I knew who his real identity was... but I couldn't bring myself to say it. So I kept my mouth shut and shook my head.

"It's okay," Ladybug put my arm over her shoulder. "I'll help you get out of here."

"My sisters, akumatized..." I stared at poor little Pistache, who whimpered at me like a puppy. Avril wasn't going to be happy.

"Don't worry," Ladybug squeezed my shoulder. "We'll save them. Be positive."

"That's what I'm worst at," I sighed. "Where's Chat Noir?"

"Not sure, but I'll find him," Ladybug told me, with a smile. "He wouldn't miss Heroes Day."

 _Or would he?_ I thought.

"Grab your dog, John," Ladybug told me, "and let's go!"

* * *

"John!"

Mom threw her arms around my shoulders, sobbing. We were in front of her house, akumas still floating around in the sky. I heard screams of Parisians in the distance. Ladybug was there, in deep conversation with Avril.

"My little baby boy," Mom whimpered, sobbing into my shoulder. "I thought something bad had happened to you!"

 _Something did, actually,_ I thought, but for my mom's sanity, kept it to myself.

"Wait until your father hears about this," Mom shook her head.

I eyed Avril and Ladybug talking.

Avril made some vivid hand gestures at Ladybug. "I really can't become Rena Rogue for you?"

Ladybug shook her head. "I'm sorry, Miss Brodeur."

Avril sighed, deeply.

"Thanks for understanding," Ladybug patted her shoulder. "Don't worry, I'll make sure to return your girls to you, safe and sound. My fellow heroes and I will work together to save the day."

She took off with her yo-yo. Avril huffed, arms folded across her chest.

"Oh, honey," Mom put her hands together. "It's too dangerous anyway. Let's just leave this to the heroes."

Avril picked up Piss like a baby, who tried to lick her face. We went back inside.

 _Fellow heroes, huh…_ I thought. _So they're all gonna be working together now._

We walked into the living room. Then we all stopped. There was someone there.

"Told you I'd be back for you, Johnny," the Butterfly Man grinned at me, tipping his purple top hat.

"Who the hell are you?!" Mom demanded.

Avril held out her fists. "An akumatized villain, probably. Stay back."

"Oh, Avril," the Butterfly Man laughed. "Always so heroic."

He held out a gun.

"The problem with _your_ Hawk Moth is that he would rather wallow in his cave instead of coming out to fight," he laughed. "But I'm not like him. I'm much more… _direct_."

My whole body went cold.

"No," I breathed.

"Sometimes, you have to do things the hard way," he chuckled.

He pulled the trigger. A bullet pierced through Avril's head. She couldn't even scream. She just collapsed on the ground, a pool of blood surrounding her head.

"AVRIL!" Mom screamed.

The Butterfly Man appeared right beside Mom, gun aimed at her head.

"NO!" I cried.

Her eyes went grey and lifeless as she collapsed onto the ground, blood everywhere. And for good measure, he shot Piss too.

I collapsed to my knees. I couldn't even call it a nightmare, because nightmares weren't real. This felt too real.

"No heroes to save you this time, John," the Butterfly Man chuckled. "Sure, they'll all group together… but they have no chance against me."

_No chance…_

The Butterfly Man showed an image of my dad. He was dead too, lying on his side. Blood was dripping down his abdomen.

My whole body trembled. A scarlet akuma flew in the room.

"You've already lost," the Butterfly Man chuckled. "Useless little nobody. If only you actually tried to be a hero instead of running away."

_Useless…_

The akuma flew towards me.

"Bye bye~" he waved.

The akuma touched me. And everything went scarlet.


	31. Heroes' Day Disaster, part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, that last chapter huh… glad y'all liked it. :D It's so evil but it was fun to write. I miss doing edgy stuff. Anyway, onto the final chapter of season 2… (also, posted some fanart for this chapter on my deviantart iHateFridays if you're interested).

There was a familiar guy standing in front of me. His whole body was trembling. He fell to his knees. His teeth were bared.

 _Johnny_ , I realised.

" _Not again…_ " he uttered. " _I'm so tired of this… stupid idiots… Mom… Dad… Avril._ "

He had snapped. I didn't even need to see his face to know that. An akuma touched him, covering him in darkness. Then everything around me went a deep, blood red. My head was pounding. Everything was blurry. Voices boomed around me.

_What am I doing… am I letting it get to me?_

I saw dead bodies lying in front of me. My family.

_This is real. This is your reality. You're going to live with this forever if you keep running away._

_Stop running away. You don't have to become a hero. Become a villain instead._

_**Hail Scarlet Moth! Hail Scarlet Moth!** _

Johnny smiled at me. The red darkness surrounded him. Screaming in my head went on and off and on and off.

"Why…?" I asked him. "Why are you doing this? What do you want from me…?"

_I'm not a hero… these people don't understand me._

_But I don't hate them… I don't want them to suffer. I just want to do my own thing._

_**Hail Scarlet Moth! Hail Scarlet Moth!** _

"John…"

_I don't want to be a villain or a hero. I just want to live! Leave me alone!_

_**You'll never find happiness like this, fool…** _

My eyes burnt. Tears streamed down my cheeks.

_I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE!_

"JOHN!"

I shot up, gasping for air. Ladybug was standing above me, hand on my shoulder. She gasped.

"Y… you did it," she breathed, eyes widening.

"Did what…?" I asked.

"You fought back against the akuma!" she exclaimed. "That's… that's amazing, John! You fought back! You removed the akuma from yourself! I…" She trailed off. "I've never seen that done before…"

I shook my head, nausea blurring my vision. I'd never been so… lost.

"It's nothing much…" I muttered. "Probably just an illusion, anyway…"

"It's much more than that," Ladybug told me. "It means we might have a chance against Hawk Moth."

I realised there were five other colourful superheroes standing above me. Also, we were on another goddamn rooftop, since I couldn't get away from those. The Palais de Chaillot rooftop, to be more specific. (In case you're wondering, the Palais de Chaillot is a building in the Trocadéro.)

I blinked, focusing back on the heroes standing above me. They were all familiar faces: Queen Bee, Carapace, Rena Rogue, and of course, Ladybug and Chat Noir.

"What's happening?" I asked. My feelings… were numb. My family was dead, and yet… I was still going.

The heroes looked ahead to the Eiffel Tower, off in the distance, because where else would you go? There were hundreds of akumatized villains (including my dear step-sisters), right in front of it, scarlet edginess surrounding them. So yeah, they were all red for some reason.

Jokes aside, I couldn't stop my throat from clogging up. Was my family really dead? I didn't even want to think about it.

Right in front of the army of villains was Hawk Moth himself, or Scarlet Moth, since he'd given his outfit a new coat of scarlet colour. Literally.

"Hail Scarlet Moth!" the villains chanted. "Hail Scarlet Moth!"

They all went silent as Scarlet Moth raised his cane.

"Ladybug," he boomed, staring directly into my soul. "Chat Noir. I can feel your close presence. If you want to save Paris and all its people, I'll give you one last chance. Give yourselves up and bring me your Miraculous!"

There was a silence between us. The heroes slumped down.

Chat Noir turned to Ladybug. "Penny for your thoughts, m'lady?"

"It's like he's been preparing for this for a long time," Ladybug said. She frowned. "But we… we're _not_ prepared for this."

"Yes, we are!" Chat Noir replied. "We've already fought them all and we won! And there are five of us this time!"

"You guys are heroes," I muttered. "If someone as useless as me can get out of being akumatized… you all can save Paris."

"If we want to win, we have to defeat Hawk Moth, even though we've never fought him before," Ladybug agreed. She stood up, glaring at Hawk Moth. "Hawk Moth! I hope you enjoyed Volpina's illusion because the real Ladybug will never hand you over her Miraculous!"

"And we've got a better idea!" Chat Noir stood up. " _You're_ gonna give us _your_ Miraculous!"

Carapace stood up as well. "You may have an army of akumatized warriors…"

"... but we're a whole team of superheroes!" Rena Rogue jumped up alongside him.

Queen Bee stood up with a scoff. "You're going to wish you never wore that utterly ridiculous costume!"

 _Wait, she's a certified hero now?_ I gazed at her.

"I understand you want to fight," Hawk Moth cackled, spreading his arms. "Then so be it. Guitar Villain. Frightningale. Music!"

Guitar Villain and Frightningale began playing horribly loud music while the other akumatized villains charged towards the Miraculous Supers. They stood together, ready to fight back. Ladybug put a hand on my shoulder.

"John," she asked, narrowing her eyes at me. "How did you remove the akuma?"

"I… I don't know," I admitted. "Akumas are brought on by negative emotions or whatever, right?"

"That's right," Ladybug nodded.

"Well, I'll tell you a secret," I leaned in. "I actually feel like shit most of the time."

"W… what?" Ladybug asked.

"But I've accepted my negative emotions," I told her. "I'm not scared of 'em. They're a part of me just as much as my positive feelings. And maybe it's not normal to feel like crap all the time, but it's normal to _not_ be scared of them. Or something like that." I shrugged. "Maybe I'm just boring."

"Accepting negative feelings…" Ladybug tapped her chin. "You really just… _accept_ them?"

"I don't let 'em get to my head," I told her. "I think that's what gets everyone akumatized. If we weren't so scared of our own feelings, then who knows… maybe we'd be better off."

Ladybug's eyes twinkled. "Maybe."

"And so it begins," Prime Queen cackled, looking like nightmare fuel once again. "The scarlet army is on its way to crush these pathetic Miraculous holders."

Ladybug snapped back into hero mode. She stood above me.

"Don't forget our main objective," she clenched a fist. "We want to get to Hawk Moth."

"Simple plan, then," Chat Noir winked. "Go for the big bad boss."

"Let's get him!" Rena Rogue agreed.

"I'll cover you!" Carapace jumped in.

"You can count on me, Ladybug." Queen Bee beamed at Ladybug.

"I wanna go home," I muttered. "... but not before kicking some Scarlet Moth ass."

Stormy Weather flew above us, her twin drills spinning in the air. "Cyclone!"

A huge ass cyclone appeared out of nowhere, wind flying in all directions. My hearing aid screeched.

My old friend the Pharaoh showed up as well, spreading his buff arms. "Horus! Give me your wings!"

Wings sprouted out from his back. He flew down, grabbing Princess Fragrance. They flew into the air.

"Thunderbolt!" Stormy Weather aimed a thunderbolt at Ladybug.

"Carapace!" Ladybug ordered. "Shield!"

Carapace threw his shield at her, protecting her from the blow. And then Riposte was coming over, deadly swords aimed at Ladybug. She was not looking any friendlier than last time.

 _Time to get away from this,_ I decided. I crept away from all the flying weapons and super powers, lying on my stomach like a loser. I probably looked like a disformed worm, wobbling around.

"Johnny!"

My breath stopped. Yin and Yang were flying in front of me, holding out their matching scythes, cloaks flying in the wind. They both wore chilling grins.

"Come to me!" Yin cried.

"No, me!" Yang demanded.

 _Not this again…_ I groaned.

To my surprise, a black and yellow spinning top came flying out of nowhere, intercepting the girls. Queen Bee landed beside me, sporting a massive grin.

"Hopeless as ever, aren't you?" she asked me. "Lucky Queen Bee is here to protect you!"

The girls got up, raising their scythes. Queen Bee's spinning top flew through the air once again. She knocked the two of them down to the ground.

"When did you become a hero for real, Chloé?" I asked her.

She grinned at me. "Queen Bee to you, Jack. Please, I've _always_ been a hero! Ladybug and Chat Noir were just begging for my assistance. I'm perfect for the job."

I sighed. "Of course…"

"Here we go!" Ladybug came over. "Time to say goodbye, little akumas!"

Two butterflies emerged from my step-sisters. Ladybug caught them with her yo-yo, turning them pure. They flew off into the air. I grabbed my step-sisters before they could fall off the roof.

"Johnny…?" they opened their eyes, staring at me.

"Well, how about that…" I muttered, letting the demon twins cling onto me. "You really saved them."

Still, I had a bad feeling that we weren't out of the woods yet. Ladybug was turning some villains back into their normal selves with the help of all her heroic friends, but the uneasy feeling in my stomach wasn't gone just yet. Or maybe it was because I saw Dark Cupid flying around.

 _Aw hell no_ , I cringed, watching the edgy angel lookalike. _I'm not kissing him again._

Dark Cupid began firing his edgy arrows, immediately undoing Ladybug's hard work by turning all of the de-akumatized villains back into akumatized villains. I forgot how his arrows put everyone in a bad mood. Well, everyone except for me, that is.

"What?!" Ladybug stumbled back, eyeing Dark Cupid.

"What an incredible twist!" Prime Queen cackled. "Those lousy heroes didn't even see it coming!"

"Hawk Moth is using Dark Cupid to create all the negative emotions he needs." Chat Noir's eyes widened.

"Wait until he discovers me again," I muttered.

Dark Cupid's eyes lit up when he saw me, speak of the devil. "It… it's you! The one who broke my heart!"

He aimed at his bow at me, a gleam in his eyes. He took a shot. I held my arms in front of the demon twins.

"John!" my step-sisters screamed.

"It's a nightmare!" Carapace cried.

"Stay focused, guys!" Ladybug shouted. "Villains must never prevail!"

"Fall on them like rain, my scarlet akumas!" Scarlet Moth cackled.

A wave of blood red akumas rained down on us, everywhere I looked. But I wasn't listening. I'd been hit by the arrow.

...

And I felt FUCKING AMAZINGGGGG. Despite all the awful shit going on, I had never felt BETTER. I swear I could've sprouted wings and flown right off that rooftop!

"Now watch Scarlet Moth's relentless plan to get rid of your precious protectors," Prime Queen cackled. "Mwahahahaha!"

"Not today!" I stood up, throwing out my arms. I turned to my step-sisters. "You two stay back, okay? Your big bro's gonna handle this."

"He's gone crazy again…" Lucetta muttered. Mardi nodded in agreement.

I noticed the scarlet Pharaoh was about to overpower Carapace. Dark Cupid had his bow aimed.

I walked towards the edge of the roof, almost stupidly. "Heya, honey! Remember me?"

Dark Cupid looked away from me, turning as red as his corny outfit. "Shut up. I'm not talking to _you_ again."

"You know, some of my feelings for you have rekindled," I admitted, blowing him a kiss.

"W… what?!" Dark Cupid stammered, almost dropping his bow.

I saw Scarlet Moth himself gritting his teeth. He took a few steps forward from his spot near the Eiffel Tower, waving his cane around.

"Dark Cupid!" he ordered. "Ignore him! Focus!"

"Come on, Cupid," I waved Dark Cupid over. "Come give me a kiss."

(Trust me, remembering how I acted under the control of that stupid arrow makes me want to jump out the window…)

Dark Cupid kept sweating, looking left and right. I gave him what I was assuming was a seductive wink. He slowly flew over to me. He towered above me, wings bunching together, like an anime schoolgirl.

"No, Dark Cupid!" Scarlet Moth roared. "What are you doing?"

"Are you going to… trick me again?" Dark Cupid asked, shyly.

"No," I told him. "I just want you to be happy. So…"

Dark Cupid leaned down. I leaned up.

"... and you aren't happy as Dark Cupid," I told him. I ripped the broch off his chest. He gasped.

"I'm doing what's best for you," I slammed it on the ground. The akuma flew out. "Sorry, Kim."

"NO!" Scarlet Moth boomed.

Kim slumped over in my arms. I almost fell over from the weight. The guy was, like, a foot taller than me.

"Nice work, John!" Ladybug gave me a thumbs up. She held out her yo-yo, catching the akuma. "Gotcha!"

And there you go, hero work achieved. For some reason, though, the arrow's affects hadn't completely died off yet. I was still… peppy. Or was I just losing myself? Who knows.

Scarlet Moth narrowed his eyes at me. "I see I underestimated you, Mr. Couture. Somehow, you avoided getting akumatized, and the arrow had a reverse effect on you?"

"Uh huh," I told him. "And I have so much more in store, my guy. You have no idea. I'm much more powerful than you."

Apparently, the arrow also gave me way too much confidence.

Scarlet Moth clutched his cane. "You are a roadblock, Johnathan Couture. Nothing more. Take him out!"

The Pharaoh turned his attention on me.

"Nefertiti," he uttered.

"Damn right I'm Nerfititi," I waved a hand. "Come and get some, big guy."

"Sekmet, give me strength!" the Pharaoh boomed. He charged towards me, his head that of a lioness. "I'll crush you like a gnat!"

"You'll _crush_ on me," I retorted.

He raced towards me, preparing to tear my guts out. Carapace arrived just in time, holding out his shield.

"Thanks, Nino," I told him.

Carapace gasped. "How do you know my real name?"

"I'm special," I winked. "Hey, by the way, could you do me a solid and get my step-sisters outta here?"

Stormy Weather appeared behind me, waving her red parasol. A cyclone came flying towards me. Rena Rogue showed up in the nick of time, dragging me out of the way. The cyclone vanished in the wind.

"You sure have some attitude," she told me.

"Damn right I do, Alya," I winked.

"You know my real name?" she gasped.

"Trust me, it's _really_ not that hard to figure out," I told her with a grin.

Another villain was coming for me, but Queen Bee got in the way, holding out her spinning top. All five heroes stood together on that rooftop, weapons in hand, the magical girl team they were. I stood up as well, just to be their mascot/moral support, I guess. A scowl appeared on Scarlet Moth's face.

"Is it that hard to deal with one simple little roadblock like him?" he growled, glaring at me.

"I'm not the only roadblock, you know," I retorted. "The entirety of Paris is as well. You really think us civilians can't defend ourselves?"

I knew people were watching from the sidelines, preparing to fight back, even if from the comfort of their own homes. We actually had a chance.

"Pathetic," Scarlet Moth growled. "You haven't seen the last from me yet!"

"Let's go!" Ladybug called. She and the other superheroes raced towards him, all in unison. I stayed on the rooftop, hands balled into fists. I'd done enough. The arrow was finally wearing off.

"This is why," a voice said behind me. I spun around.

"You again?" My whole body trembled as I glowered at the Butterfly Man. He scowled at me, his stupid ponytail flowing in the wind. I swear I saw Volpina in the background, too. I think she just liked to watch me suffer.

"Because you're a roadblock," the Butterfly Man huffed, clutching his cape. "You're so desperate for a silly little normal life that you'll throw yourself in danger to achieve it. And now all of the plans are going to shit. Because you just can't get the hint."

I stared at him. Then it hit me.

"You're saying I'm stronger than you," I realised. "You're scared of _me_."

The Butterfly Man narrowed his eyes behind his mask. "Scared of _you_?"

I burst out laughing. "This whole FUCKING time, I thought you were the scary one. I thought life itself was the thing that was ruining everything. But it's really been me, hasn't it? In this world, _I'm_ the nightmare. I'm the scary one. I'm… I'm the villain. It's all me, isn't it?"

"No," the Butterfly Man shook his head. "You're not a villain. You're just an extra that needs to go back where he belongs. And your time is done." He aimed a gun at my forehead. "Goodbye, John."

But the bullet didn't hit me… since it was never fired. Scarlet Moth was standing there. He glowered at the Butterfly Man.

"You?" he asked. "I told you to stop coming here."

"I'm trying to help you, fellow Moth," the Butterfly Man chuckled.

"I know what you want to do to me," Scarlet Moth growled. "Get out of this timeline. Don't come back."

"Since when do you tell me what to do?" the Butterfly Man retorted.

"Um," I spoke up. "What the Hell is going on right now?"

Scarlet Moth glowered at me. "Do you not know who this is?"

"Oh, I know," I chuckled. "But I didn't know _you_ knew him."

"Fine, I'll leave, for now," the Butterfly Man waved a hand. "Unless you really want my help…"

Scarlet Moth scowled at him. The Butterfly Man shrugged.

"Fine, fine," he disappeared into a cloud of butterflies. Scarlet Moth gazed down at me. Holy shit he was tall.

"Alright, little roadblack," he spat. "Time to finally-"

Chat Noir and Ladybug appeared in front of me, protectively. The other heroes were distracted by villains, or dare I say, other roadblocks. Ladybug was holding out a little Miraculous box.

"This is a sign, Hawk Moth," she said. "A sign that your Miraculous will wind up inside this box!"

I noticed she was glowering at something. I realised it was another Scarlet Moth behind her... no, an illusion. An illusion created by Volpina.

"Are you sure you're not making a serious mistake?" Scarlet Moth taunted. "How would you know if the wish I was planning to make with your Miraculous wouldn't have been beneficial to everyone?"

"If you were to make a wish, there'd be a price to pay," Ladybug retorted. "Why don't you tell us your wish, Hawk Moth?"

"Give me your Miraculous and you'll find out," Scarlet Moth hissed. "Since you are so good, why didn't bother to try and change the world for the better?"

"We are changing the world every day by our actions," Ladybug said. "Not just by wishing it at the expense of innocent citizens!"

"Whatever your wish it can only be evil judging the by the havoc you wreak." Chat Noir agreed.

They crept closer and closer towards the illusion. My heart was thumping.

"It's not too late," Ladybug said. "You can fight for good, with us."

She spotted the real Scarlet Moth looming behind her and Chat Noir through the Miraculous Box's reflective surface. So she moved herself and her partner out of the way before Scarlet Moth could hit them.

"No!" Scarlet Moth roared.

"You're such a coward, Hawk Moth!" Ladybug told him.

"But there's no hiding this time," Chat Noir added.

They fought Scarlet Moth, eventually grabbing his cane. Chat Noir destroyed it with his Cataclysm, turning Scarlet Moth back into regular old Hawk Moth and de-akumatizing all his akumatized villains.

But it wasn't over yet. Hawk Moth, now back to his basic bitch self, lunged towards the heroes.

"You're never going to win," he growled. "Not today or any other day. You're still so green, young superheroes. You can't even stay transformed after you've used your powers."

He nearly grabbed their Miraculous, but was stopped by a flying shield, courtesy of Carapace.

"Need a hand?" Rena Rogue asked, grinning. Queen Bee was also there, if you were wondering.

"You're caught in our net, Hawk Moth," Ladybug spoke up, creating a net with her yo-yo. "You're not going anywhere!"

"Venom!" Queen Bee spoke up, pulling out a new tool. "I'll paralyze him, then he'll be all yours, Ladybug."

The five superheroes approached him. I stood up, my legs killing me. My vision began to blur as if I was tipsy. Then out of freaking nowhere, a giant, purple moth appeared, flapping its wings. The heroes were shoved away from the force of its wings.

"What is that monster?" Ladybug demanded. She tried to latch onto it with her yo-yo, but it vanished before she could.

 _My head.._.

Sound faded in and out. Was that blood on my hand?

"Peacock Miraculous…" Ladybug spoke up. "Master Fu…"

Everything around me turned to black. And then I collapsed.

* * *

When I woke up, I saw something really shocking: all three of my parents in the same room. Mom and Avril were on one side of the bed, my dad on the other.

I was sitting in a white bed, a heart monitor beeping beside me. A blue hospital gown and white doona were covering me.

_A… a hospital?_

Mom gasped.

"John!" she stood above me, tears trickling down her cheeks. "Oh, my baby boy, I thought you were done for!"

"Huh?" Dad stood up. A smile appeared on his face. "John! You're awake! Thank the gods!"

Avril stood up, arms folded across her chest. "Knew you'd do it."

"Huh…?" I asked.

Mom shh-ed me. "Don't worry, sweetie. Everything's going to be okay."

I just let her wrap her arms around my neck and kiss my forehead, while Dad rubbed my shoulders. It'd been a while since I'd let anyone do that, and you know what… I was fine with it. For a bit, anyway.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"A lot of hero stuff," Mom waved it off. "But it's all been sorted out, don't worry, dear."

"So Paris is all good…?" I asked.

Mom nodded.

"You should be good in a few days, too, kiddo," Avril told me. "The twins have been waiting for you."

"Great…" I muttered, trying not to smile.

"And don't forget your scarf!" Dad added. "Someone needs to finish it."

I sighed, grinning up at him. It seemed everything was back to normal again. For the meantime, anyway.

At the back of the room, for a brief moment, I saw him. Johnny.

We weren't safe yet. He was coming back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: And that's season 2 finished, which means we are two thirds done with the story! Hope y'all are ready for season 3, a season that a lot of fans seem to dislike lol. I'm also planning to release the Christmas special I mentioned a while ago, most likely around late December, so stay tuned for that! And of course, thank you for reading, reviewing, and everything else between. :D


	32. The only person I don't love is me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Season 3 time!

I was knitting again. Shocking, I know. Me, actually doing work?

Yup, there I was, in my room, working on my scarf yet again. Of course, I actually wanted to do some more gaming, but I promised myself I'd work on my scarf for at least two hours. The damn thing was taking forever, though. Why did I have to make something so complicated? My poor fingers…

Then Dad came into my room, without knocking of course.

"What do you want?" I grumbled.

"One of your friends is here to see you," Dad told me.

 _Oh, God, please…_ I groaned internally as I got off my ass. _Please don't let it be Marinette or Adrien…_

Good news: it wasn't Marinette or Adrien. It was Max.

"Uh, hey, pal," I walked up to the front door, grinning at my friend. He stood there, adjusting his glasses.

"Hey, John," he grinned at me, with a… weird smile. Something about that expression unnerved me.

"What's up?" I asked him.

"I wanna show you something," he signalled me over, pulling out his phone.

"Um… okay…" I walked over to him, lowering my head to look at his phone. His face pressed against mine. I felt… really awkward. Then, before I could blink, he puckered up his lips, pressing them against my cheek.

"Goodnight, Johnny," he giggled, in a voice that wasn't his.

Lila's voice.

Max shape-shifted into me right before my eyes, eyes flashing green. But before I could protest, everything around me went black.

…

"... John?"

What was going on? I was losing track of reality. Who was I? Where was I?

 _What's the meaning of life?_ I thought, surrounded by emptiness. _Is there really a deeper meaning to life than 42 and stupid memes?_

"John!"

I sat up. Standing above me was Alix, concern all over her face. I was in a large, comfy bed, with a golden bed head. There was a large, white cupboard against the tan walls, as well as a glamorous mirror hanging on the wall. A huge window with a flowing curtain was on the wall. The room looked like it was worth a few hundred thousand euros. The white doona was so soft, I could've stayed there forever and had more existential thoughts…

"John, answer me!" Alix shook my shoulders real hard.

"Ow," I groaned. "Stop it, man."

 _Man, I almost forgot she's a rich girl,_ I groaned, gazing her over. _I guess they can't all be like Chloé…_

"You're awake," she breathed out. "Okay… quick question, who did you say were Ladybug and Chat Noir's real identities?"

"Uh, Marinette Dupain-Cheng and Adrien Agreste?" I replied.

Alix wiped her brow, clutching her phone as if she'd just been reading the messages. "Thank goodness! It's really you."

"What's going on here?" I made a face.

"There's a doppelgänger of you running around," she told me. "An akumatized villain. Her name's Chameleon. Luckily I found the real you."

 _Wait, what?_ I paled. _Is she talking about Johnny, or…_

"How'd you know she wasn't really me?" I asked.

"She was way too happy to be you," Alix chucked.

"Wow, thanks," I grumbled. "My self-consciousness gets better and better everyday."

"I think she also turned into Adrien," Alix continued.

"So she's going around pretending to be people," I made a face. "For what, clout?"

Alix rolled her eyes. "Nah. She's going after Ladybug and Chat Noir, like all other villains."

"Why'd she want me, then?" I asked. "I'm no superhero."

"I honestly don't know," Alix shrugged. "Maybe she just wanted to play the role of civilian for a bit."

"She's got a damn fetish," I grumbled. I rubbed my head. "I don't remember much, I just know I was at my dad's and then she showed up, and then… darkness."

 _Wait, Chameleon is Lila, right?_ I thought. _And Lila hates me… is she doing this to spite me?_

Alix sighed. "Well, John, I literally saw her - as you - dragging your body through the alleyways of Paris. Max was with me, too. We were both really freaked out."

"Max was with you?" I asked, titling my head. "The real one? Huh, didn't know you two liked hanging out together."

"Yeah, we like hanging out sometimes," Alix nodded, putting a hand under her chin. "We're at my place now - a guest room. Max is downstairs, I'll go and get him soon. Anyway, we saw Chameleon dragging you around and we were freaked out as hell. We waited until she left you alone and then we saved you, bringing you here."

"That's gotta be one of the weirder stories I've heard," I admitted.

"Hey, come on, we've seen plenty of weird villains," Alix laughed.

She had a point… I still had nightmares about pigeons and bubbles.

"So, what's going on now?" I asked.

"Ladybug and Chat Noir are off fighting Chameleon," Alix told me, reaching out a hand. "So you don't have to worry about anything, John. They've got it all covered."

Her eyes flashed green. I gritted my teeth.

I laughed, holding up my fists. "Actually, I've got plenty to worry about… Lila. Or should I say, Chameleon?"

Alix tensed up. Her eyes glowed green.

"How'd you figure it out?" she hissed.

"A wise man once said never trust anyone but yourself," I replied. "Of course, I can't trust that wise man either. In other words, you're not as good as lying as you think you are."

Chameleon ran over to the side of the guest room, pulling out a metal baseball bat from a cupboard.

"You can't do anything against me," she growled, holding up the bat.

"I can drop kick Alix anytime I want," I stood up, cracking my knuckles. "Watch me do it now."

Chameleon grinned, transforming back into me.

"Oh fuck off," I groaned.

"What Alix is true, you know," Chameleon laughed, playing with her (my?) hair. "She really did see me with your body. But she… didn't get quite so lucky running away from it."

"Why are you so interested in coming after me, anyway?" I asked. "What about Ladybug and Chat Noir?"

"Oh, don't worry, Johnny, they'll get their turn very soon," Chameleon giggled, sounding so horribly wrong in my croaky voice. "But you and I… we've got some unfinished business. Though, I might be willing to let you off easy if you agree to be my friend."

"I'd rather shoot myself in the nuts," I held up my hands.

Chameleon lunged towards me with the baseball bat. I stumbled backwards, narrowly avoiding the swinging weapon.

"What _did_ you do with Alix?" I demanded.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Chameleon laughed. She swung the weapon at me again. It didn't hit me, but it did destroy the bed.

"Dude, come on," I crossed my arms. "This is someone's room."

"I'm _really_ getting sick of you," Chameleon grumbled. She transformed, turning into Chat Noir.

"So you _have_ run into them," I scowled.

"This'll take you out for good," Chameleon held up her clawed hand. "Cataclysm!"

She lunged towards me, clawed hand glowing with power. I fell on my ass.

 _Welp_ , I thought. _I'm fucked._

"There you are!"

Ladybug crashed through the window, swinging her yo-yo. She held out her arms. Glass was everywhere.

_I'm so sorry, Alix… please don't charge me for this…_

"How'd you find me?" Chameleon roared at Ladybug.

Ladybug winked. "Trade secret, Chameleon." She turned to me. "Are you okay, John?"

"No," I grunted.

"Don't worry," Ladybug swung her yo-yo. "I've got this cov-"

Then someone _else_ broke in. That caused all of us to stop.

It was Johnny. AKA me, but with blood coming down my cheeks. He stood at the door, menacingly.

"What on Earth…?" Ladybug stumbled back.

Chameleon's eyes widened, before her grin became sinister.

"Don't you dare," I hissed at her.

She transformed into me again. So now there were _two_ mes. Uh, three mes, including me, of course.

Ladybug took a few steps back. "What… what's going on?! Who is that?" She gazed at Johnny.

"I have no idea," I grunted.

Chameleon still wore an evil grin, whereas Johnny had blood coming down his cheeks, edgy as ever. As for me, I looked like I hadn't slept in about five years.

"Which one…" Ladybug trailed off. "Which one is the real one?"

She was pale and sweating all over. I couldn't blame her.

And then, because Alix's guest room wasn't crowded enough already, guess who also showed up.

"Getting pretty packed in here," Chat Noir came in through the window, staff in hand. His snarky grin fell off his face as he stared at all of us. "Uh…"

"Listen," Chameleon crossed her arms. "Isn't it obvious who's the real deal? We're all friends, aren't we? You should know."

 _Oh, piss off,_ I glared at her. _I wouldn't say something like that._

Johnny didn't say anything. He just stood there… ominously. I stared at him.

_Maybe he doesn't know what to say… which I totally get._

And that was when I had another existential crisis.

 _Shit_ , my forehead was getting pretty sweaty. _Now even I don't know who's who… am I even real? Or am I just a character in some weird fanfiction? What the Hell is going on?_

Ladybug and Chat Noir gazed at each other.

"There's only one thing to do," Ladybug pulled out her yo-yo. "Lucky Charm!"

Out of the Lucky Charm came an unfinished scarf, still with the knitting needles attached. But not just any unfinished scarf with the knitting needles attached.

"Shit!" I cried out. "That's _my_ scarf!"

"Your scarf?" Ladybug looked at me.

"I've been working on it for the past few months," I replied. They both stared at me. "Look, I like knitting, okay? Sorry it's not super manly or anything."

"That's a bunch of crap," Chameleon spoke up. "What makes you think I'd be motivated enough to knit a scarf?"

"Hey, piss off," I growled at her. "Knitting is something I actually enjoy. Not that you'd know much about that, _Lila_."

Chameleon glared at me. " _You're_ Lila."

"No I'm not," I crossed my arms. "That other guy is Lila!"

Johnny just shrugged, staring into my soul. My heart thumped.

_Wait, that guy is the real me, but… God, why does he feel so wrong?_

"Okay, seriously, who are you?" I asked him.

"Obviously not me," Chameleon laughed.

Ladybug frowned, staring at the scarf in her hands. She and Chat Noir glanced at each other, nodding.

"Well, John," she turned to me. "You're the only one who recognised this. By process of elimination, that has to mean you're the real deal."

"That's stupid," Chameleon rolled her eyes. "As I said, I would never commit to knitting."

"You can't commit to basic human decency either, but here we are." I shrugged.

Chameleon glowered at me. Chat Noir grabbed my arm, pulling me away from her and Johnny. My lungs felt like they were going to collapse.

"You're all so stupid," Chameleon grumbled. "One day, you superheroes are going to lose. And then who's gonna be left behind to protect Paris?" She laughed. "NO ONE."

"I know you really are, Lila," Ladybug held out her yoyo. "As for you…" She gazed at Johnny. "I'll find out who you are, as well."

Johnny just smiled at her. I wanted to punch that bastard, but at the same time, I wanted to stay far, far away from him.

"Well, since you know who I am," Chameleon walked towards Ladybug, puckering her lips, "I think it's fair I find out who _you_ are, too."

 _Oh, the irony_ , I groaned. _If only you really were me…_

Chameleon transformed back into Chat Noir. She raced towards Ladybug, holding up her claws.

"Not cool," the real Chat Noir muttered.

"Cataclysm!" Chameleon roared.

"Give me back my scarf, please," I whimpered.

Ladybug pretty much threw my scarf at me, focusing on Chameleon. Thanks, man. Just carelessly throw my hours of pain and suffering why don't you.

I grabbed it, clutching it to my chest like it was a baby.

Chat Noir glanced at Johnny, teeth gritted. "Well, John, looks like there's one more of you we've gotta deal with."

He held out his staff, approaching Johnny. Johnny narrowed his eyes, wiping some of the blood tears off his face. Suddenly, I got a real bad aura coming from him. An aura that made me want to crawl into a hole with my unfinished scarf.

"Wait, Adrien…" I croaked.

Chat Noir turned around. "What…?"

Johnny stared into Chat Noir's soul, causing him to stand still in utter shock. The guy looked like he was frozen in time. Johnny suddenly grabbed his staff out of his hands, snapping it in two. Chat Noir gasped, stumbling back.

"What the…" he trembled.

"Well, I've had my fun," Johnny dug his hands into his pockets, his voice catching me off guard. "Until next time."

And then, like it was no one's business, he just casually left the room through the door.

_What the fuck..._

"I…" Chat Noir forced himself up, body shaking. "What just…?"

A crash caught my attention. I gazed back at the girls.

"You can't run forever, Ladybug!" Chameleon zoomed towards Ladybug, puckering her lips. "I'll become you soon enough."

"We'll see about that," Ladybug gazed at the window. "Chat Noir!"

She swung out of the window, sending the curtains flying everywhere.

"Where do you think you're going?!" Chameleon hissed, chasing after her. "You can't run from me!"

Chat Noir was still in a daze. He blinked his green cat eyes, shaking his head. His cat ears lowered, like a real cat's.

"Uh…" I reached out for him. His body tensed up as I touched his shoulder.

"Who… who was that?" he shuddered.

"I wish I knew," I grunted.

Chat Noir shook his head, standing up. He seemed so… scarred. I almost wanted to hug the poor guy.

"You know…" he looked at me, sadly. "Sometimes I feel inferior to Ladybug."

"You do?" I asked, tilting my head.

"Yeah," he rubbed the back of his head. "It's just… _she's_ the one who comes up with all the ingenious plans. I'm just the lackey. I'm the one that needs rescuing all the time."

"Oh, man, don't worry," I made a face. "I know what that feels like. But… I know you're just as smart as Ladybug, trust me. Don't beat yourself up over it. Work to get better. Become her equal; I know you're capable of doing it." I gave him a small smile. "Then you two will be able to stop Hawk Moth together, no problem."

 _Or am I just talking out of my ass?_ I didn't know.

"Thanks, John," Chat Noir shivered, shaking his head. "I… I need to go. Ladybug needs her partner in crime, after all."

He leaped out of the window, dragging his broken staff with him. Kinda have to admit, I did feel a little bad for the guy. But more so, I was freaking out about Johnny. I made my way towards the exit to the room, but couldn't see the guy anywhere. I did see another familiar face, though, walking down the hall.

"Whoa, John!" Alix made her way over to me, holding out her arms. "What are you doing here?!"

I paled. "Uh…"

Alix gazed into the guest room, jaw dropping. "What the Hell happened here?! Oh shoot, my old man's gonna kill me…"

My gut was telling me she was the real deal, so I let myself relax a little.

"Long story," I sighed, slumping over. "It has to do with an akumatized villain and some of my doppelgangers."

* * *

So, after hanging out with Alix for a bit, things went back to normal. Lila was herself again (which wasn't really good news to be honest, but whatever), I still had a headache, Alix's guest room got fixed, and I had to finish working on my dumbass scarf.

I went back home. Dad freaked out for a bit when he saw me all banged up, but I managed to calm him down. I went upstairs, clutching my scarf like a baby. I slumped on my bed, knitting needles in hand. Finally, a brief moment of peace.

 _Okay_ , I scowled. _Time to-_

Then I saw him again. Johnny, sitting on my windowsill.

"You…" I breathed out.

"You know what I want," he told me.

"Get lost," I growled.

"It's only a matter of time," he chuckled, before vanishing. A chill went down my spine.

_I'm so fucked…_


	33. Don't sing for me

I was at school when I heard some of the most generic music to ever exist, blasting through someone's BlueTooth speakers in the halls. Yet, it was familiar too. Then it hit me. That's right, I'm talking about our old friend XY.

Despite being named after the male chromosomes, the guy certainly didn't get any manly respect from me. He looked like a banana wearing a shitty purple jacket. And his music sucked. Yet everyone at school loved him, especially the girls. He was all the rage as I walked around the school hallways, making me want to do my head in.

"Didn't you hear?" some girls laughed, leaning against the lockers. "Bob Roth - XY's dad - are looking for new talent! They want bands to send in their ideas! They've got two weeks!"

"But I don't have a band," another girl whined.

"Me neither," a guy sighed. "But my brother's friend's band is trying out. Kitty Section, I think they're called."

 _What kind of band name is that?_ I cringed. Then again, I'd heard worse.

"And I heard one of the members is really cute," another girl giggled. "His name is Luka. Luka Couffaine."

 _Hey, I know that guy_ , I thought. _He's the guy I met while ice-skating, right?_

"Ooh, who's gonna win?" another guy asked. "I'm so excited!"

Well, I wasn't excited at all, and I really didn't care. So I moved on, ignoring people as I always did.

But of course, there was a reason I'm showing you all this.

Fast forward two weeks, and believe it or not I actually hadn't run into any stupid shit during that time. My life wasn't going horribly for once. Isn't that just amazing? Well, I suppose _one_ thing did happen, but we'll get back to that in just a bit.

So, I was at school again. Just like everything that took place two weeks prior, there were people crowded in the hallway, drooling over XY and his trashy music.

Which was really great (not), because on that day, I had a _real_ bad headache. I had to go and see Dr. Mirza after school and do boring hearing aid stuff, so I wasn't having a good fun time.

In other words, XY's music gets a 0/10 from me.

I glanced at someone's phone as they waved it around the school (surprisingly, they didn't knock anyone in the head). The phone was playing a video of XY dancing, wearing some colourful cardboard boxes, I guess. The flashing stars and rainbows from the video did not help my migraine.

" _... cause I love my unicorn, and fluffy blue bunnies_ , _too_!" XY sung.

My poor head…

Also, that song was _very_ familiar to me, but not in a good way. Remember when I mentioned the thing that happened over the two week time skip? Long story short, it had to do with that guy Luka, and his band, Kitty Section.

About a week into the two week time skip, I was walking through Paris, minding my own business as always. I was walking near the Seine river, crossing a bridge, when I spotted a cool-looking houseboat floating by a dock. I honestly don't care much about houseboats, but it was still pretty cool to look at.

It was colourful, covered in a million unique decorations. It was really hard to dissect them all. Swinging on top was a large front sail with a skull-like pattern. On the front of the boat was an open, stage-like area. All of the sudden, a guy got off the boat using the bridge connected to the dock, sweeping his blue hair out of his eyes.

 _Heyyyy_ , I gazed at him. _I know that guy. What's his name again?_

Guitar on his back, the guy walked over to me. We stared at each other.

" _John, right?_ " he asked me.

" _Yeah_ ," I nodded. " _And you… you're Lucas, right?_ "

" _Close_ ," he laughed. " _Luka_."

I glanced at the boat. " _Nice boat._ "

" _Thank you, I live there with my mom and sister,_ " he told me. " _Anyway, have you heard about the event XY is holding?_ "

" _Believe it or not, I have,_ " I replied.

" _Well, my band - Kitty Section - is entering_ ," he told me, pulling out his phone. " _Wanna see our entry?_ "

I was going to say no, but he'd pulled out his phone, and I couldn't exactly walk away. What was I, a rude asshole? That's not the story you came here for.

" _Sure_ ," I sighed.

So he played this music video of his band - which involved him on guitar (duh), that girl Rose as the singer, his sister Juleka or whatever her name was on the bass, and some other guy on the drums. They were all dressed like they were going to a 5 year old's birthday party. Not to roast them, of course. They had far much more musical talent than I ever would.

In the background, amongst all of the colours and crap, was the words 'KITTY SECTION' in bold text. I had to wonder where they got their band name from.

" _And nothing makes me feel better!_ " Rose sang. Catchy, but my dad would never approve.

" _Marinette designed the costumes_ ," Luka told me, eyes fluttering over. " _She's good, isn't she?_ "

" _Whatever you say,_ " I shrugged.

He almost seemed taken aback, but quickly composed himself.

" _What do you think of the video?_ " he asked.

" _It's cool, I guess_ ," I shrugged. " _XY will probably like it._ "

" _You really think so?_ " Luka asked.

 _Why does everyone doubt my compliments so much?_ I groaned. _Am I too sarcastic?_

" _Yes_ ," I grunted.

" _Thanks for the support, John_ ," Luka grinned at me, walking off. " _Hopefully we get noticed!_ "

Well well well, guess what aged badly. Oh, Kitty Section got noticed by XY, alright. But they also got plagiarized _real_ hard by him.

I got out my own phone to have a look at the video myself. I shook my head, watching it over.

 _Luka and his band are not going to like that_ , I bit my lip. _Dammit, XY managed to make the song even dumber than it was before… stupid lazy asshole._

Finally, the abhorrent plagiarised performance was over. The screen changed over to that annoying guy Alec, who was grinning at XY.

" _Wow!_ " Alec clapped. " _Awesome, XY! Such a 180 from your last record! This might be your best yet! So tell me, where did you get the inspiration for all this new material?_ "

" _Oh, it's nothing really_ ," XY waved it off. " _I came up with the whole song in 5 minutes._ "

I glared at the screen. _You make shit music, XY? Fine. But stealing other people's work? That's low, even for you._

I didn't want to hear any more of that asshole's bullcrap, so I switched my phone off, putting it away. I walked to the exit of the school, trying to block out everyone else. But that was pretty hard when there were people running around everywhere, driving me up the deep end.

 _Ugh, Luka, your band, and Marinette too since she designed your costumes…_ I sighed, leaving the school. _Please don't become akumatized…_

* * *

I actually had the house to myself, since Mom was at work, and Avril and the twins were at some event at their school. So of course, I slumped on the big ol' couch in the living room, legs kicked up on the table, and scrolled through my phone, like the true teen I was. Piss sat on the carpet, his beady eyes peering up at me.

"What's with that look?" I asked him. "I did all my homework."

His tongue hung out of his mouth, and he wagged his tail.

I rolled my eyes. "Stupid dog. I love you."

I kept scrolling through my phone, slumping deeper into the couch.

 _What should I have for dinner tonight?_ I thought, stomach grumbling. _Ugh, I can't be bothered to check the fridge…_

"Hey, John. Looks like you're sleeping well."

Huh, it was Ladybug's voice. But when I opened my eyes, Ladybug wasn't standing above me. It was some random ass bitch I didn't even know.

The guy standing above me looked like a biker crossed with XY's terrible fashion sense. He had blue skin and he wore a pink, black and yellow-ish outfit with a jagged mouth on his helmet. As you can guess, it scared the absolute hell out of me.

"Who the Hell are you?!" I yelled, rolling off the couch and landing on my ass. Piss bared his teeth, barking at the home invader.

"Silencer," he held his fingers to his lips, still speaking in Ladybug's voice. "But I don't want to steal _your_ voice, John. Since we are friends, right?"

"Not with Ladybug," I grunted. "Or whoever the Hell you are."

He changed his voice. "Do you recognise me now?"

I sighed. I'd recognise that simp-sounding voice from anywhere.

I waved a hand. "Luka. Look, I'm not surprised. That XY guy plagiarised you real hard. But this really isn't the best way to go about it. Also, why are you in my house? I don't have anything for you here."

"A lot of villains use this place as a safe haven," his voice suddenly turned into XY's. "I knew I had to come here before destroying that idiot Bob Roth for good. There's something special here, right? And of course, Ladybug and Chat Noir are up as well. I've already taken Ladybug's voice."

"And XY's voice," I groaned. "You're actually doing us all a favour with that one." Then I trembled. "Hey, did you just call my house a 'safe haven' for villains?! Bitch, this is _my house!_ It doesn't belong to any villains! And trust me, there's nothing special here either!"

Silencer rubbed his hands together. "I don't have any more time to talk, John. I have to steal Bob Roth's voice once and for all."

And, like all the villains, he jumped towards the window, leaving me on my ass.

"By the way, John," he looked over his shoulder, using Marinette's voice. "This place is _my_ safe haven."

He left me alone with that. What the Hell was I supposed to think? Was flirting with me? Was he my stalker? Or was I just that unfortunate? Whatever the case, I was suddenly overcome with the desire to move house.

Piss whimpered at me.

"Well, at least he's leaving me alone," I sighed, patting his head. "That automatically makes him better than all any other villain. Although, he still violated my privacy."

Piss licked my hand.

"Ugh," I pulled my hand away. "Still, he _is_ a bad guy… should I do something?"

I gazed outside the window, pouting my lips. I observed the grass on the front lawn.

"Actually, John…"

I nearly jumped out of my skin. Silencer re-appeared, leaning against the wall. I know the dude's name was Silencer, but he was still wayyyy too quiet. And creepy.

"You seem like you want to help," he said.

I made a face. "I mean, I don't, but…"

"Bob Roth and XY are evil voices," Silencer said, grabbing my shoulder. "You hate them, right?"

I titled my head. "Yeah, but-"

"And I know you're friends with Marinette too," Silencer's eyes glazed over; he shook his head. "Oh, poor, sweet, beautiful Marinette. They stole her costumes, too. She deserves so much better."

 _I'm surprised you don't understand that you're literally speaking using her voice right now,_ I groaned internally.

"Marinette's _not_ my friend," I told him. I grimaced, getting a probably terrible idea. "But hey, you know what… I'll help you, as long as you agree not to kill or seriously injure anyone."

Silencer paused, before he shook my hand. "You've got a deal, Johnathan Couture."

And like a spy, I pulled out my phone, texting a certain girl named Marinette…

* * *

I never thought I'd get the chance to go to the TVi Studio again, but there I was. I wasn't the type of guy who wanted to be famous; the opposite, in fact. Yet somehow, I ended up at that stupid studio anyway.

We were at the film set, the place where XY had been performing. The cameras were surrounding the glowing set. It was all lights, cameras, action. And death, carnage, and destruction.

Silencer had managed to find and hold Bob Roth, aka XY's dad, at what I'd call gunpoint. He'd dragged the tied-up old man right up to the film set. I stood behind the cameras, arms crossed. I tried not to shake like a baby.

"We've got him covered now," Silencer told me, using the mayor's voice for whatever reason. "Are you ready, John?"

"There's another one involved?!" Bob Roth asked, looking at me. "Who are you supposed to be?!"

"He's my friend, _Dad_ ," Silencer told him, with XY's voice. "He's helping me out."

_How could someone so evil say something so wholesome and heartwarming?_

"Wait, you're not akumatized, are you?!" Bob Roth tried to get out of Silencer's grasp, his sunglasses about to fall off his balding head. "What are you doing?! Help me, you daft boy!"

"Don't insult him, Bob Roth," Silencer kicked Bob Roth in the head, like a brute. He suddenly began speaking with multiple voices at once. "Your nightmare has barely begun."

Holy shit, talk about a threat. Chills went down my spine for real. I stepped back, giving Silencer a thumbs up, silently regretting all of my choices. Silencer dragged Bob Roth up to the set, placing him in front of all the cameras. I gulped. I gazed into the camera, a screen above flashing green.

"We're live…" I meeped.

Silencer addressed the cameras, using Alec's voice. "Dear viewers, we're back on the air for an exclusive interview with Bob Roth. He has something very important to say."

I trembled. _Come on, you damn heroes, hurry up…_

Bob Roth opened his mouth. "Well, I-"

"C'mon!"

And then, just like the Cool Aid Man himself, Ladybug and Chat Noir burst onto the set.

"We got all the time in the world!" Chat Noir cackled, racing towards Silencer. "We might as well have a bit of fun!"

Silencer defended himself against Chat Noir's staff. "Keep your nose out of other people's business, kitty, or I'll silence you."

"That would be a shame considering how hilarious I am," Chat Noir chuckled, making me roll my eyes.

While Silencer fought ol' Chat Noir, Ladybug showed up, dragging Bob Roth out of the film set. Honestly, if I didn't hate the guy, I would've felt bad for him getting dragged all over the place. I could relate.

Considering Silencer had Ladybug's voice, I decided I'd stick around, at least for the meantime. And besides, Silencer considered me to be a part of his plan or whatever, so I couldn't leave just yet.

Soon, Chat Noir and Silencer's little tousle slowed down, and the former raced off into the hallways. Chat Noir walked over to me, raising his brow in surprise.

"Uh, hi, John," he greeted. "What are you doing here?"

"Long story," I replied. "In other words, Silencer is fond of me. He thinks I'm helping him or whatever."

"Hmmm… hey," Chat Noir whispered, narrowing his green cat eyes. "Can you play dumb for me for a sec?"

"Uh, sure…" I shrugged. Couldn't be too hard, I did it all the time, didn't I?

"Ugh, John," Chat Noir groaned like he was in a soap opera. "I can't find Ladybug anywhere! How will I ever get out of this mess without her? Have you seen her?"

"I don't know where she is, man," I shrugged, actual natural as I could.

"Chat Noir!" I heard Ladybug's - well, Silencer's - voice from the studio halls. "I'm over here!"

"M'lady!" Chat Noir gasped. "If you've gotten your voice back, then you've defeated Silencer! It's safe to come and find you!"

"Yes, yes, there's no danger now," Silencer chuckled. "Meet me outside the studio. I'll wait for you."

"Okay, I'm coming!" Chat Noir bowed to me. "I'll meet you outside the studio door!"

He took off, heading towards the exit. Silencer appeared beside me, crossing his arms.

"Good job playing dumb," he told me, still with Ladybug's voice. "Those idiot superheroes don't have a clue."

"They sure don't," I chuckled.

"Ladybug doesn't have her voice, so she can't use her Lucky Charm," he told me. "That means this time, I've won."

"You sure have," I agreed.

"You're so supportive," Silencer clapped my shoulder. "Thank you, John."

"I sure am," I agreed.

He then ran outside to go off and fight the two superheroes. Of course, knowing them, they'd have something cooked up. And I was totally right. Not long after, the superheroes and supervillain were back inside the studio, fighting once again.

Somehow, Ladybug had managed to get a real lucky charm, which was a vacuum cleaner. She then manufactured the vacuum into this Ghostbusters-esque machine. Just as Silencer was about to steal Chat Noir's voice, Ladybug switched it on, racing towards him. The vacuum sucked up his voice. (Don't ask how…)

"John, help!" Silencer cried, stepping back.

"Yeah, nope," I ran towards the exit. "I'm out."

"BUT WE'RE FRIENDS!" Silencer cried.

"In your dreams…" I muttered. (What a dick move from me, huh?)

And that was how the saddest betrayal in history happened. Oh yes, and Ladybug saved the day, too. She managed to get her voice back and do her thing. Hooray, now everyone could speak again.

As for me, I decided to avoid Luka for a while. Of course, that would prove difficult, but that wouldn't stop me from trying.


	34. Obligatory Christmas Special

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the Christmas special I promised you, hope you like it.

"Johnny!"

I groaned as the sound of Jingle Bell Rock blasted throughout the house, wrapping myself in my doona. That could only mean one thing: it was Christmas Day.

I had mixed feelings about Christmas. I suppose the whole gift-giving/receiving part of it was cool, but I wasn't such a big fan of getting together with the family and listening to corny Christmas songs all month. And plus, it seemed Christmas was the perfect time for everyone to just eat a shit-load of food and then get super sick. But of course, there was one thing that really got to me about Christmas, more than anything else.

" _Good morning, Johnny!_ " my step-sisters sang, sitting on opposite sides of my bed. " _Are you ready for Christmassss?_ "

"For the love of god, _please_ don't sing," I begged.

" _Ah, my dearest son John_ ," Mom came in, also singing. " _Please go to the bakery and fetch a delivery for meeee._ "

"Can't I get a break?" I asked. "It's Christmas!"

Mom stared at me.

" _A family reunion all in one room_ ," Avril walked in, singing, of course. " _The holiday season has come too soon!_ "

 _Damn right it's come too soon_ , I groaned internally.

"Can you all get out of my room?" I asked.

" _Go to the bakery please, my boy_ ," Mom sang. " _We need the baked goods for some Christmas joy!_ "

Welp, it was either I was stuck in my room with my family singing all day, or I went out.

"Fine, I'll go." I stood up.

* * *

Outside, it was dark, cold, and snowy. Paris had been covered in a blanket of white snow, and snowflakes rained gently from the dark clouds. Most people were inside celebrating Christmas or another holiday with their families. Meanwhile, I was stuck out in the cold, dreary weather, snowflakes going up my ass.

I made my way past the City Hall. It looked as it usually did, aside from all the snow covering the top of it, and a large, glowing Christmas tree. I hugged myself. I was wearing an extra jacket and some snow boots, as well as a wooly beanie. Still, that didn't stop steam from coming out of my nose. I must've looked like the world's most lame dragon.

And then I heard a sound worse than the screech of death: singing.

" _No cares about me, if I'm lost or I'm found and I'm just a cat in the night_!"

I glanced up. Of course, it was Chat Noir, pronouncing around the City Hall like a cat out of the bag.

" _I'll take your symbol of joy and burn it to the ground_ ," he sang. " _I'm the vengeful cat of the night! I'm the vengeful cat of the night!_ "

 _Wow, someone's moody,_ I rolled my eyes.

" _Ca-ta-cly-sm_!" Chat Noir sang, turning his powers onto the Christmas tree. He fell back, like he was in a soap opera. "I can't do it! I can't do it!"

He turned his powers on an advertisement of Gabriel Agreste instead. The advertisement disappeared with the dark magic.

" _I'm cold and alone, I don't want to be in pain_ ," Chat Noir sang. " _All that anger was all in vain. I need to go back home to try and find a way. Tomorrow will be a brand new day._ " He breathed out. "Let's go home now. Plagg, claws out!"

He transformed back into Adrien. The cat creature - Plagg - appeared before him. However, he didn't seem to be in good condition at all. Adrien cupped him in his hands.

"Plagg?" he cried. "Plagg!?"

" _I wish that I can help you, to assist with your transformation_ ," Plagg sang. " _But I can't Adrien, don't you see? I'm tired and distressed, I got nothing to digest, I'm weak and I'm running on empty._ "

My head twitched. _I swear to god if one more person starts singing-_

"Plagg?" Adrien cried. "Plagg, what have I done? Wait, I'll help you!"

He scoured his pockets, managing to find a neatly wrapped Christmas gift. He opened it up; out came a large, sparkly, floppy Christmas hat and a letter.

"' _Merry Christmas'_ ," Adrien scanned the letter. " _Signed Marinette_." He beamed. "She's so awesome! We're going to fix you right up, Plagg!"

He placed Plagg on top of the hat, like he was a accesory. He stood up, the letter falling out of his shirt. Christmas bells began to ring. I groaned internally.

"Do you hear that?" Adrien asked. "It's Christmas!" He grinned at the itty-bitty cat in the hat. "Merry Christmas, Plagg."

"Merry Christmas, Adrien," came Plagg's scratchy reply.

I sighed. The dumbass was going to forget his letter.

"Um, hey, Adrien," I reached over and picked up the letter. "You dropped this."

Adrien gasped, turning around. "Oh! John! Thank you."

"Yeah yeah don't mention it," I waved it off.

He took the letter with a hesitant grin.

"What are you doing out here, anyway?" he asked. "Shouldn't you be with your family?"

"My family wants me to go out and get shit for them from the bakery," I replied.

"Oh, I see..." Adrien scratched the back of his head. "Well, um, if you don't mind me asking… do you have any food on you?"

"Nope," I replied.

"Oh," Adrien bowed his hand. "I see. Well, thanks anyway, John. I've gotta head off now. Merry Christmas!"

He ran off towards the streets, gazing at Plagg inside of his Christmas hat. I sighed and shook my head.

 _Okay, the bakery_ , I turned away. _Let's go._

As I mooched my way out of there, I saw a familiar, bug-themed hero swinging herself around. She swung by the semi-destroyed Christmas tree and shook her head. And then she did what I really didn't want her to do.

" _There is only one thing this kind of damage can bring, Cat Noir's Cataclysm, am I right?"_ she sang, picking up the gift wrap. " _And look at this gift wrap too, it's an important clue, it's from my present to Adrien tonight. Adrien disappears, and Chat Noir steps in, he must be working to protect him. My only explanation, my speculation, is that some supervillain is after Adrien. It's a good thing I'm here, I'll protect him without fear, this boy that I secretly love. Now with-_ "

"Um, hello," her singing was _really_ getting on my nerves, so I had to step in.

Ladybug gasped, landing next to me. "John! Merry Christmas! What are you doing here?"

 _Why is everyone so surprised to see me?_ I groaned.

"Are you looking for Adrien?" I asked.

"Yeah, I am," she nodded. "Have you seen him?"

"He went that way," I pointed towards the streets.

Ladybug gave me a thumbs up. "Thank you, John. And Merry Christmas!"

She took off, leaving me alone again. I groaned, a snowflake falling on my nose.

_Okay, I really need to get to the bakery._

* * *

I'll be honest with you: I never really believed in Santa. Even when I was a little kid and my parents were still living together, the whole Santa thing just seemed kind of stupid to me. An old fat man that wore red and had a longass beard, got carried around by reindeer, and delivered presents to kids by sneaking into their homes? Talk about a glorified home invader. Not my cup of tea, sis.

So you can imagine my reaction when I saw a Santa lookalike sitting in a pretty… realistic-looking sleigh. Seriously, a huge, glamorous sleigh led by a bunch of reindeer. Like damn, the government really went all out on the special effects on this mall Santa.

The Santa lookalike was sitting in the sleigh, holding up the reins. None other than Mr. Adrien Agreste was sitting next to him. The sleigh moved along the icy road, stopping briefly near me.

"Hi, John," Adrien waved at me.

"Hello there, young man," Santa greeted, his huge, fluffy white beard capturing some snowflakes. "What are you doing out here, all alone in the cold?"

"I'm going to the bakery," I grunted.

"Ah, of course," Santa nodded. "But make sure you get home before it gets too chilly, won't you?"

"Sure…" I said, looking away.

"John, this is the real Santa Claus, y'know," Adrien told me.

"Mmhmm," I dug my hands into my pockets. "Listen, I really gotta go to this bakery now. It's getting late."

"Fair enough," Adrien nodded. He turned to Santa. "Hey, Santa, can we take him to the bakery?"

"Well, that's up to John," Santa chuckled. His blue eyes returned to me. "Would you like a ride to the bakery?"

"I'll skip, thanks," I replied, looking away. "It's not that far. And I just want to get home."

"It'll get you there faster," Adrien pointed out.

"I would really rather not," I shook my head.

"Don't pressure him, Adrien," Santa told Adrien, patting his shoulder. "Merry Christmas, John. And for goodness' sake, please stay on the nice list!"

His sleigh rode off, the reindeer prancing along the street. I adjusted my stupid beanie; snot came out of my nose.

_Why is it so hard just to get to this fucking bakery…?_

* * *

Finally, I managed to make it to Tom and Sabine's Boulangerie Patisserie. And you'll never guess what happened.

As soon as I walked up to go inside… the damn thing closed, putting up the sign. Right in front of my eyes. I wanted to break down and start sobbing on the spot.

_GODDAMMIT WHY AS SOON AS I GOT HERE AUGHHHHH_

I groaned. There was another bakery we visited; a back-up bakery, if you will, but it was on the other side of the city, and it was also probably closed. So yeah, I couldn't be bothered to haul my ass over there. The only place I _was_ hauling my ass was home.

I returned to the streets, phone in hand. I began to text Mom.

_bakery closed_

_Oh, dear… just come home then, dear. We've got other Christmas food awaiting at home!_

_there was really no reason to send me out here_

_Of course there was. We have a surprise for you waiting at home…_

_:/_

_See you soon, John!_

I muttered a curse, slipping my phone back into my pocket, trudging through mushy snow. Man, home seemed so far away because of all the damn snow and snowflakes crawling up my ass. I was almost wishing I'd just gone in Santa's sleigh.

And then I immediately changed my mind when I saw what looked like the Grinch dressed in Santa's outfit. His skin was green, his eyes were red and yellow, his beard included many pointed tips, and he had long, sharp fingernails. He wore a black mask over the top of his face and… Adrien's Christmas hat?

While the red part of the suit was the same, the bottom edge was jagged. His belt was black with silver spots and a silver Christmas tree-shaped buckle, and on his back was a red bag. He also had a black sled with red patches on the side and back and rockets on the back that blasted green fire, two black and red reindeer being connected to it.

_What in the fuck…_

He turned his beady eyes on me.

" _I am Santa Claws!_ " he sang. " _I'm a rebel with a cause!_ "

"You look like you've come back from a trip at Hot Topic," I grunted.

" _I'll punish and give you a fright!_ " he sang, grinning down at me. " _Have a horrible Christmas night!_ "

"Trust me, the singing is horrible enough," I pleaded.

He raised his hands, summoning a bunch of random people. Illusions, like the stuff Volpina used. And all at once, they opened their mouths, and began… to sing.

" _I just want you for my own_

_More than you could ever know_

_Make my wish come true_

_All I want for Christmas_

_Is you-_ "

"PLEASE MAKE IT STOP I'M DYING!" I cried, covering my ears, almost destroying my hearing aid.

Of course, this only made them sing LOUDER. I felt my blood rush to my head.

Santa Claws cackled and flew away, leaving me at the mercy of the singing people.

_Ugh, just kill me…_

"John?"

I gazed through my icy bangs. It was Dad, reaching out a hand.

"Dad?" I asked, letting him help me up. "What are you doing here?"

" _Oh, my dear beloved son_ ," he sang. " _Trapped out here in the cold, wintery snowy Christmas Day. Don't worry, your old Dad is here to-"_

"Dad, please," I grumbled.

Dad chuckled. "Oh, come on, John. Lighten up; it's Christmas!"

"Dad, seriously, the singing is killing me," I told him. "Lay off."

Dad shook his head. "Oh, fine. Just for you, my grumpy boy."

"What are you doing out here, anyway?" I asked.

"It's getting a bit dreary having to see my family back east," Dad admitted. "Too much singing."

"But you were just singing- nevermind," I sighed.

"And what about you?" Dad asked. "Why are you out? Your mother will be worried sick!"

"She _wanted_ me to come out here so I could go to that stupid bakery, but it's closed," I replied with a scowl.

"Oh, John…" Dad put a hand on my shoulder. "Don't worry. Come on, my boy. I'll take you home."

I let him wrap an arm around me. "Thanks, Dad."

Dad led me away, taking me to his small car, parked away from the snow. We got in; the engine rumbled to life.

"I think I met Santa," I spoke up.

"Santa, huh?" Dad laughed. "Thought you didn't believe in him!"

"... you're right," I looked out the window, my breath fogging up on it. "It was probably just some dude in a good costume."

Dad drove away, headlights on full beam. I leaned back in the chair. In the distance, the Eiffel Tower glowed. I closed my eyes, trying not to think about All I Want for Christmas Is You.

All of the sudden, Dad slammed on the breaks. I sat up, the seatbelt almost choking me.

"What's going on?!" I demanded.

Santa Claws was in front of us with his sleigh. His yellow eyes narrowed.

_Oh, great…_

Santa Claws glowered at me. " _Silly little boy, think you can run awayyyyyyy?!_ "

Just as he was about to ruin my dad's car, Chat Noir appeared out of literally nowhere, landing on the bonnet. Chat Noir stood up on the bonnet, holding out a large, wrapped box.

" _Santa, you're the winner,_ " Chat Noir sang, leaping off the bonnet. " _We stand down and surrender. We fear you have defeated us, so we give you our Miraculous. But beforehand, here is a gift for you. 'Cause on Christmas Eve, even you have a right to that too._ "

He offered Santa the box.

"A present?" Santa asked. "For me?"

" _Rebel with the cause, you give us so much fright_ ," Chat Noir continued. " _We all have the right to a present on Christmas night._ "

Santa opened the gift, and other than Ladybug flew out.

"Merry Christmas!" she cheered, tying Santa Claws up. Chat Noir finished the job by using his powers to destroy Santa's hat.

"Miraculous Ladybug!" Ladybug turned Santa back to normal, reverting annoying Christmas back into, uh, slightly less annoying Christmas.

Ladybug and Chat Noir left, leaving both Dad and I very… perplexed. We both gazed at Santa, who rubbed his head and looked around.

"Well…" Dad coughed into his hand. "Wanna go home?"

"Of course," I grumbled.

We began walking back to the car.

"By the way, John," Dad grinned at me. "Merry Christmas."

I smiled. "Yeah. Merry Christmas, Dad."

As for the surprise at my mom's, it was a huge slice of homemade fruit cake, one of my favourite cakes. So I guess it wasn't all bad.


	35. The Return of the Epic Gamer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Last chapter of the year… Happy New year 2021! Let's hope 2021 is better than this mess of a year…

Believe it or not, for once in my life, I was… actually having fun with my step-sisters. Yeah, for real. Avril had bought them a console, so I was teaching them how to play Ultimate Mecha Strike III. And it was going… much better than I expected it would.

We were all sitting on the couch in the living room, controllers in hand. I was in the middle; they were sitting beside me.

"... And then you can also do cool moves like this," I told them, waving my controller. "Watch: Triple Cosmic Kick!"

My mecha IRON lunged out, kicking another mecha in the face. It knocked it out with one kick.

"Ooooh," my sisters gawked.

"Now you try," I told them.

The twins grinned at each other, holding up their controllers. After picking their mechas - the ladybug and black-cat themed ones of course, you can guess who chose which - they got to work on their Ultimate Mecha Strike III journey. Surprisingly, Mardi was getting the hang of it it pretty quickly. She reached level 2 before long. I must say, I was a little proud. And envious. Lucetta, on the other hand, was not quite as talented.

"Double-whammy kick!" she shouted. However, her kick only did a little damage to the mecha she was fighting. It proceeded to attack her mecha, taking it out.

" _GAME OVER,_ " the game boomed.

"This game is stupid," Lucetta threw down her controller.

"You just need practice," I told her. "Trust me, it took me a while to get the hang of it."

"Yeah, sis," Mardi jumped in. "You just need to practice!"

Lucetta huffed. "You're just saying that because you're good at the game."

"Aw, come on, Lucetta," I jumped in, winking. "Maybe if you're nice, I'll show you a few more tricks."

Both the sisters looked interested in that. Mom and Avril stood by the entrance, arms around each other. Proud grins were on their faces.

"It's so nice to see you all getting along," Mom clapped her hands together. "Who wants pizza for dinner tonight?"

"Me!" Avril chirped.

Mom stared at her.

"Sorry, honey, you know I had to," Avril laughed.

"We want pizza!" the demon twins cheered.

"Pizza's fine with me," I said nonchalantly, screaming with joy on the inside.

"Pizza it is!" Mom decided, grinning wide. "And I'll get some gingerbread for you, John."

That visibly made me smile, I'll admit it.

Avril sat on the couch with us, crossing her legs. "You kids will have to teach me about all this video game stuff."

The twins cringed at each other, then at their mother. "No, Mom, go away!"

I cringed a little as well. "I appreciate the enthusiasm, Avril, but, uh, yeah…"

Avril sighed. "You kids won't even give me a chance."

"You wouldn't understand any of this, Mom," Lucetta told her mom.

"But you don't understand any of this either, Luce," Mardi told her sister.

Lucetta glared at her sister. "Hey! I get it plenty fine! I just need some practice and stuff!"

I rolled my eyes, chuckling into my hand. Suddenly, I felt a buzz in my hoodie pocket. I pulled out my phone, leaning into the couch.

Max: _Good afternoon, Johnathan._

(No one but Max Kanté would message me calling me Johnathan and also wishing me a good afternoon…)

Me: _yo_

Max: _Would you like to test a video game made by yours truly? I can guarantee it's the best fighting game in the world!_

Me: _that sounds awesome Max but I'm currently hanging out with the fam right now. Maybe later._

Max: _Are you sure? I've included more than 50 characters and you can even loot their equipment. I'm sure you'll rather enjoy some of their functions!_

Me: _seriously awesome but I can't right now. Sorry man._

Max: … _I understand, Johnathan. Thanks anyway._

Max stopped responding after that. Poor guy. I knew how passionate he could be with his projects. Nothing to laugh over, trust me.

_I'll have to get back to him later..._

"Johnnnnny!" Mardi cried. "Lucetta's trying to steal my mecha!"

I rolled my eyes. "Here we go again…"

* * *

Ah, gingerbread, one of the few joys in life. Pizza as well. Not together, though. Obviously. I'm not a psychopath.

Mom, Avril, the twins, and myself were all at a pizza restaurant, plates of steaming pizza right in front of us. Avril was laughing and drinking some champagne, arm around Mom, pizza in her other hand. The twins were fighting over who would get the last slice of meat lovers. I was honestly just trying to enjoy myself for once. The day actually wasn't going horribly. I was still alive. And I was… happy. For a brief moment anyway.

I bit into a slice of pizza, gazing out the window. Pretty nice restaurant, had a great view and everything. I could even see the Seine in the distance. 5 stars. Oh, and uh, the pizza was good too, obviously.

I closed my eyes, calmly meditating. Or just sitting still and doing nothing. You decide.

"Oh, John," Mom reached out to grab my hand, embarrassingly so. "I'm so proud of you."

"Why?" I asked, opening one of my eyes.

Mom wiped her eyes. "Because you're growing up so fast…"

I sighed. I really hoped she wouldn't start sobbing in a public place.

She smiled at me again, squeezing my hand. "Oh, John, I love you so…"

She trailed off when the twins suddenly disappeared right in front of our eyes with a flash of green. Seriously. One second there, next second gone. We all sat there in an awkward silence.

"What the Hell?!" Avril stood up. "Where'd they go?!"

"It must be an akumatized villain," Mom realised, going pale.

Any other day, I actually would've been relieved. But today wasn't any other day. I felt my heart sink to my stomach.

I felt a buzzing in my pocket. I pulled it out. A familiar friend was onscreen.

" _What do you do when no one wants to play with you?_ " he asked from the screen. " _You give them no choice._ "

It was Max. No, the Gamer. No, the Gamer 2.0. He had purple skin and red eyes. His glasses had become butterfly-shaped and the glass has a light green tint. He wore a black full-body suit with a small green circle on his chest, and green stripes around his limbs. He looked pretty stupid in my opinion, but I knew better than to speak up.

Behind him was a black and green screen, making him look like a cheap version of the Terminator.

"Max…" I muttered.

The cringey screen behind him changed to a selection of akumatized villains, like some fighting game line up. Of course, I spotted the twins in that line up, as their Yin and Yang selves. I also spotted quite a lot of other villains I'd been hoping never to see again. Shivers crawled down my spine.

" _Ladybug, Chat Noir,_ " Gamer 2.0 continued. " _All of these people were once akumatized and then saved by you. If you want another chance at freeing them, you're going to have to come and play with me._ "

The screen then dramatically switched off. Mom trembled. Avril put her head in her hands.

"My girls…" she whimpered.

"John," Mom turned to me. "That akumatized boy is your friend, right?"

I shrugged. "Well, yeah, but… I don't particularly want to talk to him while he's uh, akumatized."

"That's right," Avril nodded. "Getting involved with akumatized villains is dangerous. We can't lose our son as well, Laura."

I flushed at Avril calling me her 'son'. I couldn't really describe the feeling it gave me.

"That's why _I'll_ be talking to him instead," Avril declared, crossing her arms across her cardigan.

"Avril!" Mom and I both shouted.

"He took away my daughters," Avril narrowed her eyes. "And I've had experience being a hero. Maybe Ladybug and Chat Noir will hand me that Miraculous one last time…"

Mom trembled. "Honey, please, don't. I can't lose you too!"

I sighed. _She's just like her kids… I can't stop her._

"You know what?" I stood up. "Get out there and do it, Avril. They'll need all the help they can get. That game looks pretty intense, after all."

"John!" Mom gasped. "You can't be serious!"

Avril wore a grin, clapping my shoulder. "That's my step son. Let's get out there and show 'em what we're made of."

"Wait, me too?" I asked.

Avril made a face. "Well… you're the one with all the video game knowledge, aren't you?"

I groaned, internally. _Here we go again…_

* * *

Turns out, all of the action was happening in the Parc des Princes, aka the Princes' Park, aka the soccer field, aka the place where I got to fight in a real-life mecha and had the time of my life. But it wasn't as simple as walking into the Parc des Princes and busting some heads. Turns out, all of the action was taking place inside some video game world, like an isekai or something.

Avril and I stood at the entrance of the Parc des Princes. Right in front of us was a pyra-pod, which looked like a floating black triangle. Basically, it allowed you to enter Gamer 2.0's isekai fighting game world thing. There was also another huge black triangle in the middle of Paris, trapping us in the Parc des Princes, and a few others floating around here and there.

A screen inside the pyra-pod (as well as all the others) showed Ladybug and Chat Noir were already in the game world, ready to play the fighting game against Gamer 2.0.

" _Take your pyra-pad_ ," Gamer 2.0 told them.

Ladybug and Chat Noir got out these glowing green pads, which locked their hands in place.

" _Welcome to_ _Miraculous All-Star Brawl_!" Gamer 2.0 declared. " _If you win, I'll set you free. You, and all of them._ " He gestured to all of the playable characters, aka all the akumatized villains. " _But if you lose…_ "

" _I don't have time to lose, Gamer,_ " Ladybug gazed at her pyra-pad. " _Let's begin and get this over with._ "

Avril cracked her knuckles. "Why's she being so impatient? This is why they need my help…"

Her legs were shaking. I found myself instinctively taking a step back.

Avril stormed up to the pyra pod, glowering at the screen inside.

"Let me in!" she demanded. "BEFORE I COME IN MYSELF!"

" _Oh ho, another player?_ " Gamer 2.0 raised a brow, gazing at her. " _Wait, I know you. You're Johnathan's step-mother, right?_ "

Ladybug looked up with a gasp. " _Mrs Brodeur! Please, stay away!_ "

"Not today," Avril held up a fist. "You need my help!"

" _Determination_ ," Chat Noir chuckled. " _I like it._ "

"Let me in," Avril turned her sour gaze to Gamer 2.0. He stared right back.

" _Mrs Brodeur, please!_ " Ladybug pleaded.

" _Why not?_ " Gamer 2.0 chuckled. " _It should be interesting having a player 3. Step inside._ "

"Avril…" I reached out.

" _Oh, Johnathan, such a pleasent surprise to see you as well!_ " Gamer 2.0 clapped his hands together as he spotted me. " _Why don't you come in as well? Your technique could really use some work._ "

 _Well, thanks for the lovely compliments_ , I grumbled. Of course, I knew his playful tone was just a facade. I didn't have a choice; I was going into the game whether or I wanted to or not.

So I stepped into a pyra-pod, green energy covering my hands, courtesy of the pyra-pad. As you can tell, I wasn't exactly psyched. That crap felt weird as hell. Avril just smiled at me. There was certainly a fire in her eyes, though. She was in it to win it.

And then, we were both in the worst isekai game world ever. Green on her hands, edginess all around us. Once again, it was really like a cheap version of the Matrix.

Meanwhile, Ladybug and Gamer 2.0 had begun their first round of brawl. I knew Marinette was an epic gamer; I'd seen her absolutely dominate Max at Ultimate Mecha Strike III, after all. But she seemed… different, today. Stressed out, I'd say. I was almost worried about her.

The akumatized villain - some kind of mime, which she was controlling - was fighting Risposte, who the Gamer 2.0 was controlling. The two avatars clashed, sending out shockwaves.

"Wouldn't you be better off miming a Chat Noir to come lend you a helping paw, M'lady?" Chat Noir offered.

"I know what I'm doing!" Ladybug insisted.

Despite my grievances, she somehow managed to come out on top.

" _Ring out!_ " the game called out. " _Mime wins!_ "

"I won, Gamer 2.0," Ladybug turned on Gamer 2.0. "Release us!"

"A game with just one round?" Gamer 2.0 chuckled. "Where's the fun in that, Ladybug? It doesn't end until you battle _all_ the characters in the game."

"But this is gonna take forever!" Ladybug groaned.

"Mind if I have a go?" Avril asked.

"Of course," Gamer 2.0 turned to her. "Take your pick, Johnathan's step-mother."

Avril looked over the selection, frowning. She tapped her fingers together.

"So many choices…" she mused.

Ladybug was prancing around like her ass was on fire. Man, she needed to chill.

I sighed, deciding to take one for the team. "Um, Gamer 2.0, is it okay if I go first instead?"

Gamer 2.0 titled his head from his screen. "Why should I let you, Johnathan?"

"You know how bad I am at video games," I shrugged.

Gamer 2.0 chuckled at my lack of skill. "A tempting offer, your hilarious failure… I accept!"

I turned to the screen, gazing at the huge selection of characters. Luckily - and unfortunately - I knew exactly who I wanted to pick.

"Sorry, Avril," I muttered, choosing Yin and Yang.

"John!" Avril gasped. "The girls…!"

"An interesting choice," Gamer 2.0 adjusted his Dirk Strider sunglasses. "Can you really control two different characters at the same time, Johnathan?"

"Don't underestimate me," I crossed my arms.

Gamer 2.0 just laughed in my face. "Well, I've got someone special for you, too!"

And of course, the character he chose was none other than Dark Cupid.

 _You've gotta be kidding me…_ I groaned.

Yin and Yang went into the ring, facing Dark Cupid. I held out my hands, the green around them glowing.

" _Yin and Yang_ ," a game voice boomed. " _Dark Cupid. Ready? Fight!_ "

Emotionally, I wasn't ready at all, but I didn't have much of a choice.

Dark Cupid immediately began firing arrows at Yin and Yang. I stepped in, controlling them to move out of the way. Yin raised her weapon, sending a slash towards Dark Cupid. He flew out of the way. I tried the same thing with Yang, which made Dark Cupid stumble. He fell to the ground.

"Not bad, Johnathan," Gamer 2.0 chuckled, "but I haven't even started!"

Dark Cupid got up, bow in hand. His arrows suddenly got a lot faster, making it a ton harder to dodge. I gritted my teeth, moving the girls out of the way.

"Left, John, left!" Ladybug shouted.

My brain got mixed up, so of course I went right instead.

"No, the other left!" Ladybug cried.

An arrow hit Yin, taking her down.

_Shit…_

Gamer 2.0 cackled. "You really are just as bad as they come."

I focused all my energy on Yang. "Shut up, you piece of-"

An arrow hit her as well. She fell over.

" _Dark Cupid wins!_ " the game boomed.

I fell to my knees. Gamer 2.0 raised his hands.

"Bwahahaha!" he laughed. "One win for me, one for you! A stalemate! Let's see how long this lasts!"

I looked away, my cheeks burning red. It felt like a weight was dragging down on my shoulders. I choked up.

_Man, I'm such a pussy… why can't I just have a good day for once?_

"Oh, John…" Avril sighed, shaking her head at me.

"You did your best, man," Chat Noir smiled at me. Ladybug just looked disappointed. What a load of help.

"Ugh, just, kick me out of the game, man…" I sighed. "I can't be here anymore."

Gamer 2.0 rubbed his hands together. "No one leaves until the game is over!"

I stared at him, long and hard.

"Oh, fine," Gamer 2.0 waved a hand. "Only since you look so pitiful, Johnathan. Get out."

An exit opened up behind me.

"Wait, you're letting him go?!" Ladybug demanded.

"He's a loser," Gamer 2.0 shrugged. Only time I was fine with him insulting me, to be honest.

"Wait, but…" Avril frowned at me.

"Get Ladybug to help you," I told her. "She's way better at this game than me."

"John…" Avril raised her brow.

"Good luck," I gave Avril a thumbs up, before I got the heck out of dodge. "You'll do fine."

I breathed out as I returned to the real world. Man, it was such a relief to be out of there. Sure, I was disappointing everyone, but for once, I didn't care that much. My head and my heart were both killing me.

_I'll never have a nice, normal day..._

I ran away from the game, briefly gazing at the screens behind me.

_Avril, dammit, please don't die…_

* * *

I eventually found my mom at home, who wrapped me in a tight hug.

"John!" she cried, peering up at me. "Where's Avril? The girls? What's going on?!"

"I, uh, rage quit," I admitted. "Not sure what's happening with anyone else."

Mom glowered at me. "For goodness' sake, John... you left Avril there alone?!"

"Eh, the superheroes will look after her," I told her. "I don't belong there, Mom. I'm no real gamer."

Mom shook her head. "Let's hope you're right, dear, or you're in trouble for leaving Avril like that."

I sweat-beaded. "Thanks, Mom…"

Luckily enough, the heroes won in the end, meaning Avril and the twins got to come back. I still got grounded, though. Life really wasn't fair…


	36. Well dang, now I'm mad

Unsurprisingly, I was in a bad mood that day. _But John, you're always in a bad mood!_ Yeah, well that day, I was in a _really_ bad mood.

Why? Honestly, it was all getting to me. Seriously, I was just walking around the Place des Vosges, minding my own business when a freaking monster appeared right next to me.

Do you guys remember the baby that got akumatized and nearly ate me and pretty much ruined my life? Well yeah, he was back, but he wasn't akumatized. His lollipop was. Yes, really. His lollipop.

Right beside me was this huge, lollipop-esque golem thing. Its arms, legs and head were made out of huge, colourful lollipops. It loomed above me, waving around its lollipop arms.

 _Can't I just have one normal day?_ I groaned.

August (the baby) dropped his pacifier. He and his mother did the smart thing and made a run for it. As for me, I felt that fiery-hot rage race all through me. I gritted my teeth.

_Why CAN'T I have a normal day?!_

The lollipop monster reached out one of its lollipop, uh, hands.

"Fuck off," I called it a bad word in French. "Just leave me alone, dammit!"

I swear I was about to punch the damn thing myself. Ladybug and Chat Noir showed up in the nick of time before that could happen, however.

Ladybug waved at me. "Stand back, John! We've got this!"

 _At least until another dumbass monster shows up…_ I thought.

I stormed off, my eye catching something in the sky. It was a bright yellow bee signal, no affiliation with the bat signal. It was also a _familiar_ bee signal.

_Chloé…?_

Oh shoot, that dumbass was going to get herself into trouble again. I groaned internally.

I raced off to the pavement, getting a good view of the road and streets. As usual, thanks to the dumbass monster it was barren as all hell. I waved my hand, pulling a rickshaw driver over to me.

"Get me to Le Grand Paris," I told him. "Pronto."

* * *

If I had an euro for all the times I was surprised I got to visit Le Grand Paris, I'd have, like, two euros. Which you know, was actually pretty surprising for me, since not much surprised me anymore.

Yet today, I actually wasn't _surprised_ to be at the hotel. I was pissed off. And determined to stop Chloé so she didn't piss me off _more_.

Anyway. There I was, Le Grand Paris. I went into the lobby. Ooh yes, very shiny, expensive, but I didn't care. I managed to find my way into a fancy elevator alongside a butler. He gave me a funny look.

"Why are you here?" he asked.

"I'm here to see Chloé Bourgeois," I told him. "... She's my friend. She'll want to see me."

The butler stared at me. "But Chloé only has one friend…"

Man, I must've looked pissed, the guy actually turned his gaze away from mine. "Sorry, of course, you're her friend, young man."

"Where is she?" I asked.

"Rooftop, sir," he replied.

And so the Le Grand Paris rooftop was where I ended up. Like everywhere else in that overly glamourous hotel, it was lovely. Just kidding it was plain as all hell. And spacious. But I didn't care about that.

Chloé was standing nearby a giant lamp that was projecting her bee signal into the sky, holding out a photo. Her friend Sabrina was there as well, dressed as Chat Noir for some reason. She was also holding a Ladybug costume. Unfortunately, the two didn't look too friendly with each other.

"But... I did the magic dance!" Chloé sobbed. "Ladybug wouldn't have forgotten all about me!" She grimaced. "That smart alec idiot at school took me for a ride!"

 _Lila…_ I realised. _Dammit, why does everything go to Hell whenever she gets involved?_

Sabrina approached Chloé before I could. "That's okay. We can still play Ladybug and Chat Noir!"

Chloé turned on her friend. " _PLAY_? With you!? Who are YOU anyway? You don't have any powers! You're a nobody! _I'm_ a superheroine, okay? I'm Queen Bee! You and I have NOTHING in common! Go away!"

Sabrina ran away, sobbing into her arms. An akuma entered Chloé's photo.

"Chloé!" I shouted.

Chloé's body trembled. I held my breath.

… and then she wiped her tears off her face, glaring at the sky. "No, Hawk Moth! I am a superheroine! I am Queen Bee! Ladybug will come and get me when she needs me! I WILL NEVER JOIN YOU!"

She threw her photo to the ground, panting. I stood there in silence. And then I began to clap.

"Huh?" she turned around. "Jack? What are you doing here?"

"I thought you were about to get akumatized, dumbass," I told her.

She laughed. "As if I would ever let that happen! I'm a superheroine, after all!"

A little black spot appeared in the corner of my vision. The akuma. It was flying away, following after Sabrina.

"Well, _you_ might not get akumatized, but your friend will," I told her.

"Oh, Sabrina?" Chloé asked, waving a hand. "She'll get over it."

My anger picked up again. "Listen up, dumbass, your best friend is about to be akumatized, and it's because of you! Don't you want to help her?!"

"Relax, Jason," Chloé huffed. "She'll be fine."

"How hard is it to learn my fucking name?!" I roared.

Chloé took a step back. "What's with you today? You're all red in the face. Surprised _you_ haven't been akumatized, Jean."

Oh, the urge to just throw myself off the roof. I had to fight it so damn hard.

"... you know what, fine, we'll check on Sabrina," Chloé decided. "Come on!"

She raced off, headed to the hallways. I followed suit. Of course, the hallways were super nice and expensive, with shiny walls and carpeted flooring. Sabrina was leaning against said wall… except she wasn't herself. Of course, she'd been akumatized.

She had long and messy fuchsia pink hair that was pointed at the top, and light pink skin. Her eyes were pink with long eyelashes. She also wore a black mask with a pink outline. Her lower arms were pink, which contrasted to black. She wore a black bodysuit that covered her neck, torso and halfway down above her ankle gloves. On the centre of her bodysuit was a pink circle with a black question mark on the centre.

 _What the fuck…_ I thought. _Did we run into a rejected member of KISS or something?!_

"Sabrina!" Chloé shouted.

"Chloé and I will be a real team at last!" Sabrina declared. And so, before we could say another word, she jumped out a big window, leaving us in the hallway.

"Well well well," I crossed my arms. "Guess who was RIGHT."

Chloé glowered at me. "Oh shush, Joe! I've gotta talk to Ladybug and let her give me the Bee miraculous so I can save her!"

"Will she give it to you, though?" I asked. "Everyone knows your real identity. I don't think Ladybug's a fan of that. She's all about secret identities and shit."

Chloé crossed her arms. "Of course she'll give it to me! No one can replace Queen Bee for me! I'm a hero!"

 _That's going to age badly…_ I thought.

"You give me more antihero vibes," I told her.

"I'm not an antihero!" Chloé crossed her arms. "What do you think I am, a cartoon character?"

"What if we're all cartoon characters?" I asked.

Chloé rolled her eyes. "Now you're just wasting my time with your existential crisis nonsense. Get out of the way, June. I've got a friend to save!"

She raced past me, headed to an elevator. Rage pricked up in me again. I leaned against the wall, fists shaking. I bit into my lip so hard blood came out. Like all times when shit hit the fan, the Butterfly Man appeared in creepy ASMR voice form.

_Yes, feed into it, give into it…_

The room flashed red as his voice continued to echo. An akuma flew towards me. I did nothing, because for once, I didn't care. The akuma landed in a gingerbread cookie I was storing in my hoodie pocket. A weird sensation covered my face.

" _ **Johnathan Couture**_ ," a voice in my head boomed - Gabriel Agreste's voice. " **What an unfair life you have. I will-"**

"Oh piss off," I spat. "I'm not your fucking dog." I grabbed the gingerbread cookie out of my pocket and ate it in one bite. It tasted great, aside from this… weird, fluttery thing stuck to my tongue. And then a butterfly flew out of my mouth. Yeah, it was just as weird as it sounds.

 _What in all of Hell…_ I shook my head. _Ugh, Chloé and Sabrina… they need someone to scream at them._

* * *

And so we were back at the good old Place des Vosges. As usual, it was empty, aside from two familiar faces, so no worries about crowds. The one good thing about akumatized villains was that they cleared out a room even faster than a bad fart.

Chloé and Sabrina were having a little standoff. I noticed that Sabrina had little Ladybug and Chat Noir symbols decorated all across her costume. Hmm.

"Chloé!" she chirped. "I have powers now! We can play together again!"

Was this girl five?

"No way, Sabrina," Chloé waved her hand. "You've gone too far!"

"I'm Miraculer now!" Sabrina replied. "I've stolen Char Noir and Ladybug's superpowers! Do you want Ladybug's? Then you can be Ladybug, and I'll be Chat Noir! For real! Just like we've always dreamed of!"

I realised I was starting to feel sorry for Sabrina.

"Not like this!" Chloé shrieked. "You are so far off the mark! I don't wanna be Ladybug, there's only one Ladybug, and she isn't me. I am-"

"Queen Bee," Chat Noir came out of nowhere, holding out a little box, a slight limp in his steps. The Bee Miraculous.

"Ugh!" Chloé scoffed. "About time, too!"

I held my breath. _Don't mess up this time, Chloé…_

Chloé reached out to grab the Miraculous, but then literally out of freaking nowhere, some random lady showed up and snatched it right out of her hands. I stepped back.

The random lady's skin was a pale blue and she had dark blue hair styled in some kind of pixie cut. Her pink eyes glowed, surrounded by black lines. She wore a peacock-feather-like cocktail hat, which was blue and tear-shaped with a veil. She wore a blue coat with a fuzzy blue collar. The end of the back had a number of rounded points with dark blue, light-pink-centered spots, resembling a peacock's tail feathers. She also wore fancy boots. In other words, she looked like a scene kid who was obsessed with peacocks.

 _Who in the Hell is that?_ I thought.

The new lady stood next to Miraculer.

"Who are you?" Chloé asked her.

"I am Mayura," she replied.

I recognised her voice. _Ah, Gabriel's assistant, Nathalie. Of course she's involved in this._

Mayura showed Chloé the Bee Miraculous. "If you team up with us, your dream will finally come true."

"Don't worry," Miraculer piped in. "She's with Hawk Moth and me."

 _What a lovely trio_ , I groaned. _Man, if only Hawk Moth were here now… I'd slap his face off._

"Watch out," Chat Noir chuckled. "Your dream sounds more like a nightmare to me."

"You'll be the one living the nightmare, kitty." Miraculer hissed.

She charged towards Chat Noir. He held up his staff, grimacing.

"Lucky Charm!" Miraculer raised her hand, pulling a hair dryer out of nowhere. She aimed the hairdryer at Chat Noir. "Cataclysm!"

Chat Noir got slammed into a tree thanks to the edgy energy from the Cataclysm. Chloé backed up and grabbed onto my arm.

"We wouldn't be in this situation if you and Ladybug had gotten me sooner." she scoffed at Chat Noir.

"Thanks, Chloé," Chat Noir grumbled. "That's super helpful."

Chloé huffed and crossed her arms, making my eyebrow twitch. "If I had my Bee Miraculous, I could've helped you. I'd have floored those two by now."

"Whatever you say," I muttered.

Mayura was staring at me, for some reason. I really don't know why villains liked to stare at me all the time, but it was _really_ starting to get on my nerves. Chloé slipped further behind me.

"What do you want?" I asked her.

"You… are unusual," Mayura told me. "So unbelievably plain."

I gritted my teeth. "Honestly I don't care WHAT you think of me, I just want you idiots to leave me out of your stupid hero business."

"You want to be left out and yet you keep getting involved," Mayura chuckled. "Coincidence?"

"You think I keep dragging myself into this shit on purpose?" I took a step towards her.

"What are you doing, stupid?" Chloé asked me. I ignored her.

Mayura waved her fan in front of her face, almost like she was shy. "You act like you can do anything against me, Mr. Couture."

"Oh, I can," I smiled. "But I don't want to."

She stared at me, long and hard.

"I don't _want_ to, but…" I dug my hands into my pockets. "... nah. Forget it."

Chloé made a face at me. "What's with all this weird cryptic talk, Jerome?"

"Jerome?" I almost burst out laughing. "Where'd you get that from? Surely that's harder to remember than John."

"Stay still, you mangy cat!" Miraculer hissed. She held out a hand. "Here kitty, kitty, kitty. Come on!"

Mayura turned her attention back to their battle. Meanwhile, Chloé was distracted by something behind us: a certain, red-spandex-wearing bug-themed superheroine, as well as Rena Rogue and Carapace.

Ladybug put a finger over her lips. She signalled us to join her. And so, all five of us sat in the bushes, watching Miraculer and Mayura vs Chat Noir. It was probably the weirdest group huddle I'd ever participated in.

"Listen closely…" Ladybug told us. "I've got a plan."

* * *

"Sabrina! I've changed my mind. I do want Ladybug's powers. They should've gotten me sooner but since they chose not to, I've decided I'd rather play with you instead."

Who could've said that? It was Chloé, of course! Nah, just kidding. It was Ladybug using one of Rena Rogue's mirages to look like Chloé. Did Miraculer fall for it? Yeah of course she did, what do you think she is, smart?

"Thank you, Miraculer," Ladybug grinned, holding up the Bee Miraculous. "I really needed that back."

Chloé shoved Carapace and Rena Rogue out of the way as she stormed out from the bushes, glaring at Miraculer.

"You confused me for a pathetic illusion, and you claim to be my best friend?" she snapped.

Miraculer bared her teeth, racing towards Ladybug. Carapace appeared in front of her, forming a transparent, shell-like barrier around her.

"Shell-ter!" he called.

"Cataclysm!" Miraculer shouted, destroying the barrier. She, Ladybug, Rena Rogue and Carapace then entered a three way battle. As for Chat Noir, he was fighting Mayura herself… and not faring so well.

Just before Miraculer could steal his Miraculous, Ladybug stepped in with her yoyo, saving his ass.

"I'm sorry, M'lady," he fell over, dramatically. "I held out for as long as I could."

I gazed away from both of the fights. My heart was racing. I'd seen Mayura's face when looking at me. She was… scared of me.

Of _me_?

 _Not of me_ , I thought. _What I know._

"Chloé, follow Mayura. She's probably going back to Hawk Moth."

I looked up. Chloé was grinning, holding her Miraculous. "You won't regret this, Ladybug."

She turned into the ever glamorous Queen Bee. She gazed down at me.

"Don't look so scared, Jeremiah," she told me. "I've got this covered!"

_These names will be the death of me..._

Mayura was leaping off, getting further and further away from us. She really did look like a peacock, flying around in the sky. Queen Bee chased after her. But for once, I wasn't worried. Queen Bee was an alright hero. She could look after herself.

Meanwhile, Miraculer had nicked Rena Rogue and Carapace's powers. She was going back and forth with the heroes, shells and mirages appearing everywhere.

"Lucky Charm!" Ladybug cried. A pillow appeared in her grip.

"The more there are of you, the dumber you get!" Miraculer teased, outsmarting another attack.

"Room for one more?" I walked out of the bushes.

Miraculer glowered, turning to me. "You?" Her cheeks went red. "Hey, you're the one who's been talking with Chloé! Don't you know?! She's _my_ best friend, not yours!"

"Doesn't really seem like it," I muttered. "You seem more like her slave."

Miraculer growled, charging towards me.

Ladybug gasped at the pillow. "Of course." She ripped the pillow apart, revealing a plethora of feathers. And then… she began to tickle Miraculer.

"That tickles!" Miraculer giggled.

"Want more?" Ladybug teased.

"No, no!" Miraculer gasped, rolling away. "Shell-ter!" She let her staff go, so Ladybug grabbed it, and broke it in a very badass fashion.

"No more evil doing for you, little akuma!" Ladybug did her thing. "Miraculous Ladybug!"

Sabrina was herself again, Chat Noir wasn't half-dead, and I was pissed as all Hell. Queen

Bee came back, too. A frown was on her face.

"Ladybug," Queen Bee walked over to Ladybug. "Mayura got away from me. I'm sorry, utterly sorry."

"That's okay, Queen Bee," Ladybug held out a hand. "We'll get her next time."

"If you'd given it to me earlier, we'd probably would've defeated Hawk Moth." Queen Bee replied.

"I'm sorry, Chloé," Ladybug frowned. "I should've told you this a long time ago. I might never be able to let you be Queen Bee again."

"What?" Queen Bee asked. "But I did everything you asked me to."

"I know," Ladybug bowed her head. "But this is for your own safety. It's too dangerous for you and your loved ones because Hawk Moth knows that you're Queen Bee."

"Buzz off." Queen Bee returned to herself. "I understand. But I'm sure that you'll need me again, Ladybug. I know that I'll be Queen Bee again someday. I will always be Queen Bee."

"Thank you, Chloé," Ladybug took her Miraculous. "Let's go."

The heroes left, leaving just Sabrina, Chloé, and I.

I walked up to Chloé. "You've changed."

She looked away. "Yeah? Well so have you."

"How so?" I asked.

Chloé crossed her arms. "I don't know. You're slightly less annoying."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever."

But I realised something else, too. Sure, Chloé was in danger from Hawk Moth. But he wasn't the most dangerous guy around.

There was something bad coming… and I didn't want to be ready for it. But I didn't have a choice.


	37. Who even are you people?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fanart for this chapter: https://ihf-arts.tumblr.com/post/640070542446182400/finally-some-more-fanart-for-this-fanfic-johns

"Who are you?"

I gave Ladybug a weird look.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Wait, who am I?" Ladybug asked, touching her head.

We were on the floor of an elevator. There was a drawing in red on the wall of the elevator of a phone and an arrow pointing right towards a turtle. Ladybug was holding a tube of lipstick.

"I-I don't remember my own name!" Ladybug stammered.

"Me neither," Chat Noir agreed. He gazed over his outfit. "Looks like you and I were at the same costume party."

 _Oh, great,_ I groaned. _That damned villain stole their memories…_

"But what about you?" Chat Noir turned on me. "You aren't wearing a costume. What's your deal?"

I looked off to the side. "Uh… well…"

Chat Noir's ring suddenly started beeping, along with Ladybug's earrings.

"Hm?" Ladybug asked. "Why are they flashing?"

"We must shop at the same jewelry store," Chat Noir chuckled.

"Are we supposed to know each other?" Ladybug asked.

"I'd be surprised if we weren't." Chat Noir replied.

I sighed. "Listen, you two-"

The beeping got faster. Suddenly, with a flash of light, Ladybug and Chat Noir turned back into Marinette and Adrien right in front of each other… and me. Tikki and the, uh, cat thing that looked like her fell to the ground. Plagg, his name was.

"Whoa," Adrien gawked at them.

"Ahh!" Marinette shrieked and hid behind Adrien. "There are giant bugs! Mice? Bug-mice!"

"Whoa, I am _starving_ right now." Plagg said, rubbing his tiny belly.

"Hi there!" Adrien waved. He reached over and picked Plagg up in his hands. "What are you exactly? Genies, like the one in the lamp?"

"If I'm a genie, where's my lamp?" Plagg asked. "Besides, where am I? And who are you?"

"What's that thing doing in my earring?" Marinette pointed at Tikki.

"I'm not a thing, I'm… I don't know what I am!" Tikki frowned, staring at her stomach. "But I do know that I'm very hungry."

"Aw, poor little…" Marinette picked Tikki up in her palm. "... no thing."

Plagg started sniffing Adrien's shirt for whatever reason.

"But seriously, who are you?" Adrien turned to me. "Do you know who you are?"

I sighed, pulling my hand through my hair.

"I do, actually," I stood up. "My name's John. And you two… you two are superheroes."

"What?!" they both gasped.

"You both live a double life," I explained. I turned to Marinette. "Your name is Marinette, but your superhero name is Ladybug. And your name is Adrien," I looked at Adrien, "but your hero name is Chat Noir. Your hero identities are a secret to everyone except these two." I pointed at Plagg and Tikki.

"Me… a superhero?!" Marinette gasped. "No way! How would I keep my real identity a secret from everyone?!"

I tried not to start screaming. "Yeah, it's a real mystery."

"Hold on, we're superheroes?" Adrien jumped in. "So, we have, like… super powers?"

"Yep," I replied.

"What kind of superpowers?" Adrien asked.

"And what about us?" Tikki asked, pointing to herself and Plagg.

"I don't know much about you guys," I admitted, looking down at her. "However, I know you help Marinette and Adrien do their hero thing." I shook my head. "Anyway, right now we need to-"

I stood up with a jolt. The elevator lurched downwards.

"What is it this time?" Marinette asked.

The lights flickered. With a sharp boom, the ceiling began to dent.

"We need to get out of here," I raced towards the elevator doors. I tried to pry the doors open, but all I did was hurt my fingers. Marinette and Adrien tried to help me, but to no avail.

"Perhaps we should help them?" Tikki suggested.

"Well, I'm not going anywhere until I know what smells so good in that boy's shirt." Plagg replied.

Tikki suddenly phased through the walls. Plagg wasn't far behind.

I waited with the two heroes - uh, civilians. Suddenly, the doors opened with a ding.

"Thank you!" Marinette chorused.

The three of us ran out, the floating creatures beside us.

"Come on," I ran ahead.

"John, can you tell us what's going on?" Adrien asked me.

"How about we focus on getting outta here first?!" I puffed out.

The elevator's ceiling collapsed in a cloud of dust, and its door closed.

"This way," I led the group down the hallway to the stairwell. Bursting through a door, we arrived in the lobby. The whole room was in disorder. Lights, chairs and scaffolding were blocking the way out. Huge cracks adorned the walls and ceiling.

"So, our powers," Adrien turned to me. "What exactly could we do?"

"Well, you could destroy stuff," I gazed at him, then at Marinette, "and you could fix everything that got destroyed."

"Creation and destruction," Marinette raised her brow. "Opposite ends of the spectrum… and we were a _team_?"

"You'd be amazed," I chuckled, darkly.

"I still have a lot of questions," Adrien titled his head.

Banging from the elevator shook the whole room. Everyone drew closer towards me.

"We really need to get somewhere to hide," I grumbled. "And then I'll tell you everything I can."

* * *

After a bit of scouring around, and after Marinette and Adrien fed their little pets, we managed to find an empty office. It was pretty big, full of desks with computers, but the eeriness of it sent chills up my spine.

Marinette ran up to a window, frowning. "No handle here!"

"Well, whatever, we need to talk, anyway," I crossed my arms, sitting at a desk. "Long story short, the place we're in right now is called the Montparnasse Tower. You guys came here on a school excursion, however it went south real fast when a supervillain named Oblivio showed and took your memories. You guys are the superheroes, so it's kind of your job to stop them."

"But how?" Marinette asked. "We don't have superpowers anymore!"

"Are you a superhero, John?" Adrien asked me. "Can't you do something?"

"I'm not a superhero," I grumbled. "I'm just a civilian. All I can do is give you guys advice."

"... hey, John, you said something about our superhero identities being a secret to everyone except, uh, these guys," Adrien pointed to the creatures, then back to me. "But how come _you_ know who we are?"

"This isn't really something I've kept a secret anymore..." I huffed. I sighed. "Listen, guys… it's simple. I honestly don't know how anyone else has picked up on it."

Both Adrien and Marinette leaned in, curiously. Same with the floating creatures. Kind of unnerving, honestly.

"... your costumes are so _freaking_ obvious," I crossed my arms. "Like, Marinette. All you do is wear a red and black spotted spandex with a mask that barely covers your face. You still keep the same hairstyle and everything. It literally couldn't be more obvious." I turned on Adrien. "Adrien, I'll give you a little pass since at least your mask obscures your eyes, but both of you still have the same voice in your superhero forms! Is everyone insane or something?" I burst out laughing. "Or am I the insane one?!"

I started laughing like an absolute psycho. All four of them (including the creatures) stepped back and stared at me.

"Sorry," I coughed.

"Are you okay…?" Adrien raised a brow.

"Never," I replied.

Marinette and Adrien gazed at each other. Marinette held out her phone; of course, a picture of Adrien was her wallpaper.

"How about us?" Adrien asked me. "Surely we know each other's secret identities."

"Ah, that's the funny thing," I laughed. "You don't."

"What?" Marinette raised her brow. She gazed at her phone. "But this phone's lockscreen… I feel like we're more than just a superhero team."

"Nope," I crossed my arms. "You're just a big creep who's obsessed with Adrien."

Marinette stumbled back. "Excuse me?"

"No way," Adrien shook his head. "I couldn't hide my identity from the girl I love."

"Some things never change," I sighed.

"So, if we're the superheroes, then what are they?" Marinette asked, pointing at Tikki and Plagg.

"Haven't got a clue," I replied. "I just know they help you guys become superheroes somehow."

"Okay…" Marinette stared at her hands.

"This is all clear for you guys?" I asked.

"Not really, but…" Adrien made a face. "Why are you here? Do you go to our school too?"

"Nope," I replied. "My mother wanted me to take my step sisters here to 'get out of the house' or some shit. Long story short, because of my god-awful luck, I ended up getting involved with you guys and Oblivio." I breathed out. "My step sisters are fine, though - they got out. And at least I didn't lose my memories.

The elevator suddenly let out a booming ding. I hoped I wasn't about to eat my words.

"Ladybug, Chat Noir, we know you're in here," Oblivio hissed on the other side. "You won't get away this time."

"Time to hide," I pushed over a large desk. "Come on."

So all of us stacked behind the desk, like we were playing Sardines. And then this absolute unit entered the room.

"You remember your BFF Oblivio, don't you?" Oblivio chuckled, as they walked beside us. "Don't tell us you've _forgotten_ us. Ha ha ha ha!" They began making a huge mess of the office for no reason, honestly.

I got a good look at them as they continued their little tantrum. They were a purple silhouette that had a laser cannon in their left hand and wore a gray glove on their right hand.

"There's no way that thing is our friend," Adrien muttered.

"You'd be damn surprised," I wiggled my brows. "You wouldn't remember, but Oblivio is your best friends akumatized."

"Really…?" Marinette asked, eyes wide.

"Are you with that stupid other boy, John?" Oblivio asked. "What's so good about him compared to us? He's barely even a civilian!"

"Wow, talk about yourself," I grumbled. I turned back to Adrien and Marinette. "You guys need to get yourselves out of here. I don't know how much longer I can help you. I don't really know much about all this Miraculous super power stuff." I felt my cheeks burning. "Sorry, you two… I'm not really that helpful."

"You're helping us plenty," Adrien told me, touching my shoulder. "Don't beat yourself up."

Marinette nodded. "That's right. Stay true to yourself, John."

My cheeks burned. "Oh, you guys…"

Before I could respond, a looming presence surrounded us. Oblivio was there, its gun pointed at us.

"JOHNATHAN COUTURE!" it boomed. "You're trying to steal Oblivio's friends again! But it's not gonna work this time."

I sighed. You guys know what time it was.

"Marinette, Adrien," I gazed over my shoulder. "I've told you what you need to know… now come up with a good plan."

"Wait, what?!" Marinette stared at me. "You're going to-"

"I said, get out of here, Marinette, Adrien," I spat.

Oblivio laughed. "You think you can run from us?"

"Oh yes they can," I put my fist in my palm, "'cause you have to deal with me, first."

"You won't distract us again," Oblivio hissed, its gun aimed right at my face.

Adrien reached out for me. "John, are you sure…"

"Go," I repeated.

"Damn," Plagg laughed. "What a weirdo. I kinda like this guy."

Tikki just sweat-beaded.

"You can't run from us!" Oblivio repeated.

I waved my hand at it, making it scream like a bitch. It turned on me with its expressionless face.

"You want to suffer our wrath so badly, Johnathan?" it demanded, looming above me.

"Suffering's not new for me, trust me," I held out my hands.

While I distracted it, Marinette, Adrien, and the creatures made their getaway, leaving me alone with Oblivio. Oblivio kept its gaze on me.

"So uncharastically brave of you," Oblivio chuckled.

"Ain't brave if I ain't scared," I dug my hands in my pockets. "Trust me, I'm just tired. So, Alya, Nino… tell me exactly why you're such good friends to those two fools."

"BE QUIET!" Oblivio boomed. "I CAN'T STAND YOUR VOICE!"

It blasted me with a ray of light. And everything went white.

I felt like… I was floating through oblivion. Who was I? Where was I? What was my purpose in life?

Images flashed in my mind. I saw… my doppelgänger…? Staring at two other teens. For some reason, my doppelgänger had blood running down his cheeks.

_What the Hell…_

One teen had blonde, wavy hair and the other had blue hair in short pigtails. The blonde guy was wearing a black-cat themed costume, and the blue-haired girl wore a ladybug-themed spandex. They both looked like weirdo cosplayers. The world glitched around them; I think they were somewhere in Paris. It was hard to tell.

" _John, you're the akumatized villain?_ " the ladybug girl asked my doppelgänger.

My doppelgänger grinned at her. " _Wow, took you awhile to figure that one out, huh?_ "

" _I'd never imagined you'd get akumatized, John…_ " the blonde guy trembled.

My doppelgänger laughed. " _I wouldn't get myself unintentionally akumatized, you know. But hey… I was getting really tired of seeing the same thing over and over again. Hawk Moth doesn't know how to defeat you two._ " His grin grew. " _But I do… Marinette and Adrien._ "

The sounds of screams pierced right through my hearing aid. I sat up, head throbbing. Where was I?

I was in… some kind of office, except the walls were lined with cracks. Some of the desks had been knocked over, creating a mess on the ground. There were two people standing above me; a man and a woman.

The woman seemed to be middle-aged, with short, curly blonde hair and blue eyes. The man was around the same age, with greying, dark-brown hair, olive skin, and a large figure.

"He was just lying here like this…?" the woman asked the man.

"Yeah," the man nodded. "I don't know, Laura. I think that villain might've got to him."

"Oh, God…" the woman known as Laura wiped her eyes. "Abbé, please… call anyone!"

"Um…?" I sat up.

Laura gasped. "He's awake!"

The man known as Abbé kneeled down, placing a large hand on my back. "John, are you okay?"

"W-Who are you?!" I stumbled back. "Where am I? What's going on?!"

"John, this isn't the time for games," Laura crossed her arms.

"Wh- is John my name…?" I asked. I placed a hand over my forehead. "I don't remember…"

Abbé bit his lip. "Laura, the villain got to him."

"No…" Laura trembled.

Another woman walked in, followed by two young girls, who were twins. The woman was somewhat tall, with dark skin, brown eyes, and long, straight black hair. The two young girls had the same skin tone and eyes, but their black hair was short and curly instead.

The woman walked over to Laura, gazing at me. "Dammit… if only they'd let me become Rena Rogue again."

"Honey, please…" Laura sighed.

"You're really all about that superhero stuff, huh, Avril?" Abbé joked.

"Sure am," Avril joked back. "Impressed, Abbé?"

"This is not the time for this!" Laura waved her hands. Abbé and Avril shrugged at each other.

"Who the Hell are you people?!" I stood up, clinging onto a desk.

"Why are you acting so weird, Johnny?" one of the twins asked, giving me a weird look.

I wasn't sure why, but the nickname 'Johnny' really ticked me off for some reason.

"Who are you two…?" I asked, looking back and forth between the twins.

"Oh dear," Laura sighed, reaching out for me. "Don't worry, John. Chat Noir and Ladybug are on the case…"

 _Wait, black cat, ladybug…_ I thought. _Why is that familiar…?_

Then it hit me. I'd seen two people dressed in costumes that were inspired by a black cat and a ladybug in my weird daydream. And of course, my lookalike too.

_What's going on..._

We were all interrupted by this weird, purple, shadowy creature crashing into the room. Right behind it were the aforementioned Ladybug and Chat Noir, so they were called.

 _It's them…_ I thought.

Suddenly, the shadow thing transformed into two different teens - a Martiniquan-Creole girl with reddish-brown hair, and a boy with tanned skin, glasses, and one of the stupidest-looking hats I'd ever seen.

"Wow, so this villain was both these guys?" Chat Noir looked down at the teens. "What do we do about that?"

"This is where my other power comes in," Ladybug held out a teapot. "It fixes everything back to how it was originally."

_What is going on?!_

"Which means it should fix you too, John," Ladybug smiled at me.

"Do I know you?" I asked.

Both of the heroes just frowned.

"Wait," Chat Noir asked, turning to Marinette. "Do you think we'll remember all this… afterwards?"

"Apparently, my Miraculous Ladybug reverts everything, so I'm guessing we won't." Ladybug shook her head.

"All right then," Chat Noir grabbed her hands. "With your permission, m'lady…"

And then… they kissed. I had never felt so confused in my entire life. I also didn't get why the twins were screaming their heads off. After their little kiss session, Ladybug threw the teapot at the ground.

"Miraculous Ladybug!" she cried.

My head began pounding. I screamed… and then I remembered everything. And I hated it so much.

 _Fuck…_ I thought, slumping onto my back. _I'm still fucking alive!_

"John!" Mom began crying, throwing her arms around me.

"Not around everyone else…" I muttered.

Dad waved at me, while Avril crossed her arms. A small smile appeared on my face.

_Okay, fine. I'll accept it, just this once…_


	38. White Cat

There was… something wrong that day. I'm not sure why, but I had a feeling things were going to get really bad. Like, end of the world bad.

But why today? Weren't things always awful? I didn't even have a weird ass dream or anything. Somehow, I just kind of… knew.

"John?"

I looked up. It was Marinette, standing above me. I was at the Place des Vosges, sitting next to a tree, shade covering my face. My neck ached.

_Must've nodded off here…_

"Huh?" I sat up, shaking a leaf out of my hair. "What's happening?"

"Oh, nothing much," Marinette chuckled. "I'm just walking through here, and…" She went red, bouncing on her toes. "Ahh! I can't keep it in anymore, John! I left a gift at Adrien's, and… and…!"

She began breathing heavily. I stood up, holding out a hand.

"You okay?" I asked.

"He saw me leaving it there!" she squealed.

"And…?" I tilted my head.

"I think…" she blushed bright red. "I think he's gonna confess his love to me!"

"Is he…?" I asked. My head began to ache.

Then I remembered what was going on. I'd been hanging out with Alix at the Place des Vosges; she'd been showing me all of her skateboard moves or whatever. Because of her, ahem, _encouragement_ , I tried to skateboard myself, but because I was incompetent, I fell over and hit my head. I decided I wanted a break after that, and leaned against the tree, preparing to have a short nap.

 _And then I nodded off…_ I thought. _Of course._ I frowned. _Hang on a second, there's something I'm missing here. There was someone that showed up while I was hanging out with Alix…_

I stepped back, rubbing my painful head. _Who was it? Ah, that's right, it was that bunny hero… the one who…_

"John?" Marinette asked, grabbing my attention. "Are you okay?"

Suddenly, right before our eyes, a whole-ass, glowing blue portal opened. And the person I was just thinking of stepped out.

She was tallish (tall as me), with that iconic wild Alix hair. She wore a baby blue and white bodysuit with pockets at her stomach. Her mask was blue at the top, and white at the bottom. She had white rabbit ears, baby blue on the insides. A blue and white umbrella was on her back.

"Bunnyx…?" Marinette stepped back.

"Is Ladybug around?" Bunnyx asked, crossing her arms. "I need to speak to her." She winked at me.

"Uh, I'll see if I can find her," Marinette replied, racing away, leaving me alone with Bunnyx.

"Old pal John," Bunnyx grinned at me.

"... Alix," I deadpanned.

"Wow, I've met your doppelgänger," she laughed. "I didn't know you were such a twink."

"That's an alternate version of me," I told her. "Completely different from _me_ , y'know."

"I know," she waved a hand, shaking her head. She scowled. "But seriously, John. I know what they're up to. You really should-"

She was interrupted by Ladybug swinging down and landing in front of me, yo-yo in hand.

"I heard you needed me," she looked up at Bunnyx.

"Minibug, something happened today that caused a major disaster in the future," Bunnyx told Ladybug. "I'm not sure what it was or when it happened exactly. Nothing unusual to report on your side?"

"Uh…" Ladybug sweat beaded. She glanced at me. "Should we really be talking about this in front of…?"

"Don't worry, he knows pretty much everything," Bunnyx told her.

"What?" Ladybug looked at me again.

I just shrugged.

Bunnyx sighed, grabbing her arm. "We'll talk about this later. In my borrow, now!"

She dragged Ladybug inside her magical time travel portal thing, leaving me to stand there and look pretty.

So, you're probably thinking, hey, wait a sec, John… how do you know Bunnyx?

Now that's a whole other story. But basically, it's because I was friends with Alix. And because of the Butterfly Man, too.

 _She mentioned my doppelganger_ , I thought, gazing up at the sky. _Johnny. And she knows who he is._

* * *

_I stumbled backwards as the bunny-themed superhero walked towards Alix and myself, right in the middle of the Place des Vosges. I backed up against a tree, eyeing the hero. She'd pretty much just popped into existence with no context._

_A villain? I felt my back shaking._

_Alix held out her hands, skateboard beneath her feet. Her eyes narrowed._

" _Wait, are you… me?" Alix asked the bunny hero._

" _Maybe," the bunny hero replied, winking. "But I gotta speak to John for a sec."_

" _Hold on…" I made a face. "Are you an alternate version of Alix or something?"_

" _Future Alix, but call me Bunnyx," she whispered into my ear, staring me straight in the eye. She'd had a massive growth spurt, since she was now the same height as me. I had… mixed feelings about it._

" _I can't tell you too much about your future," she told me. "That could, ruin, well, the future. But let's just say you're very different in alternate timelines. There's some timelines where you're a superhero. Some where you're dead. And some… some where you're a bad guy."_

" _I got akumatized?" I asked._

" _More than that," Bunnyx replied, tilting her head. "There's a universe where you become… Hawk Moth, after murdering the old one."_

_I felt a shiver down my spine. The Butterfly Man's face flashed in my mind._

" _I know what you're talking about," I said, hands shaking._

" _A lot of bad things happen after you become Hawk Moth," Bunnyx grimaced. "I don't want to go too into it, for both of our sakes, but… let's just say Paris isn't the same anymore."_

" _Well, that's in an alternate timeline, right?" I asked. "It won't affect us."_

_Bunnyx's bunny ears lowered._

" _... right?" I asked._

" _... that's the thing, John," Bunnyx laughed, but pain was in her eyes. "I really can't tell you anymore, but… there's a reason that version of Hawk Moth and your doppelganger want you dead."_

_My head began to thump. I backed up against the tree, sweat pooling down my neck._

" _John!" Alix gasped, racing over to me. "John! Are you okay?!"_

_A vision flashed before my eyes…_

_"Because you're a roadblock," the Butterfly Man huffed, clutching his cape. "You're so desperate for a silly little normal life that you'll throw yourself in danger to achieve it. And now all of the plans are going to shit. Because you just can't get the hint."_

_I stared at him. Then it hit me._

_"You're saying I'm stronger than you," I realised. "You're scared of me."_

_The Butterfly Man narrowed his eyes behind his mask. "Scared of you?"_

_I burst out laughing. "This whole FUCKING time, I thought you were the scary one. I thought life itself was the thing that was ruining everything. But it's really been me, hasn't it? In this world, I'm the nightmare. I'm the scary one. I'm… I'm the villain. It's all me, isn't it?"_

" _I really did tell you too much, didn't I?" Bunnyx frowned, placing a gloved hand on my forehead. I sat up, chest heaving._

" _... they're going to keep coming for me, aren't they?" I croaked, my whole body aching._

_Bunnyx just smiled at me, sadly._

" _Oh, John, I wish I could tell you more," she clapped my shoulder. "But you're a smart guy. Sometimes. You can see through people hidden in plain sight."_

_My throat choked up. I didn't know what to say._

" _Good luck," Bunnyx stood up. "I know I-" she gestured at Alix, "will look after you."_

_And she turned and left, vanishing into a portal. Alix sat beside me, helping me up._

" _What was all that about?" she asked._

_I shook my head. "I wish I knew."_

* * *

I dragged myself back to the present, gazing at the trees around me. Things… didn't seem so bad so far. I mean, Paris was okay, I was okay (physically anyway), kids were still running around and screaming, so all was good, right?

Then my head started hurting again. My vision blurred in and out. Reality seemed to be slipping around me. A completely white figure was standing in front of me, standing on a Parisian rooftop. He meowed, a tail lashing from his backside.

A chill went down my spine. The entire city was empty.

I looked at the guy.

 _Chat Noir…?_ No, this guy's costume was white instead of black, and his eyes were blue.

Chat Noir - or should I say Chat _Blanc_ \- turned to a familiar bug-themed superhero, standing below him.

" _M'lady?_ " he asked, jumping down next to Ladybug. " _I thought I'd lost you!_ _Oh, I was FELINE so sad that you were gone!_ "

" _What's happened to you?_ " Ladybug stepped back. She held out her hands. " _No, don't tell me. We're gonna fix everything!_ "

_What the Hell is this…_

" _Of course we're gonna fix everything!_ " Chat Blanc crawled around Ladybug like a cat. " _Now that you're back you're going to…_ " He stood up. " _ **GIVE ME YOUR MIRACULOUS!**_ "

He reached for Ladybug's earrings; she forcefully batted him away.

 _Ugh…_ I wiped my head. _What's going on?_

"Isn't that obvious? This is the future."

My entire body went cold. It was the Butterfly Man, hand on my shoulder.

"You…" I breathed out. "You've got something to do with this."

"Actually, I don't," he chuckled, crossing his arms. "This is all Ladybug's fault. Yes, for once, the perfect little _hero_ is the one to blame for everything that went wrong."

I stepped back. The city had never felt so… empty.

"... Hawk Moth found out their identities, didn't he?" I asked.

The Butterfly Man chuckled. "Of course."

He gestured back to Ladybug and Chat Blanc. Chat Blanc had her pressed against a wall, claws at her throat.

" _Things were PURR-FECT until Hawk Moth found out about everything_ ," he spat. " _Once the cat is out of the bag, it's only a matter of time 'till everyone knows. It was our love that did this to the world, m'lady._ "

"So them pining for each other was how all this shit started?" I asked the Butterfly Man.

"Of course," he chuckled. "You know Marinette and Adrien. They love each other so much. They'll do anything for each other."

" _There's a faster way to make this end, you know,_ " Chat Blan chased Ladybug, gritting his teeth. " _You just need to hand over... YOUR MIRACULOUS!_ "

"How's Marinette gonna get herself out of this one…" I muttered.

"Oh, she'll find a way," the Butterfly Man chuckled. "But really, you shouldn't be worried about HER, Johnny. I think there's bigger fish to fry."

I didn't like the look he was giving me.

"You spoke to Bunnyx," he crossed his arms. "You know what I mean."

"You - I - killed Hawk Moth," I replied. "In some other timeline."

"And took over Paris," he laughed. "But why so surprised? All of those villains, all those stupid people… they were really getting to me."

"What did you do to the city?" I asked.

He grinned. "I made it so much better."

My head pounded. Visions of Paris flashed in front of my eyes. But it wasn't the same. It was… so dark, so bleak, so lifeless. People looked _miserable_. It was taken straight out of some kind of dystopian novel.

"What are you, some kind of dictator?" I demanded.

"That's a bit harsh," he put a hand over his heart. "I cared for the people of Paris, John. I was protecting them."

I couldn't see his eyes, but I swear he would've had tears coming down his cheeks.

"They didn't look very happy," I grunted.

"They were _safe_ , though," he replied. "No Hawk Moth turning them into villains, no silly heroes running around. It was all fine. Until you came along, of course."

"Me?" I asked. "But you…"

"We're the same, but we're very different," the Butterfly Man sighed. "You don't understand. You should, but you _don't_."

"So you are scared of me," I chuckled, darkly. I shook my head. "But… I don't know. It seems like you didn't have bad intentions. Just horrible execution. But what does that have to do with me? I'm not even from your timeline. We really don't have much in common."

"That's right," the Butterfly Man crossed his arms. "You're not. And yet, you got involved anyway."

"That doesn't sound like me," I cocked a brow.

"Now we're getting into the stuff Bunnyx didn't want you to know," his fingers shook around his hat.

A scream pierced my ears. Ladybug fell from down from her spot next to Chat Blanc. She crashed into the Seine below, vanishing into nothingness.

Chat Blanc stared straight at me, his eyes boring into my soul.

" _John…_ " he breathed. " _What are you doing here? I thought you..._ _you…_ "

"Huh?" I made a face.

"Well, there's another timeline I didn't mention," the Butterfly Man's grin grew; he leaned on my shoulder. "A timeline where you got so tired of everything, you… well. Do I really need to say it?"

My heart thumped. Chat Blanc turned back to me.

" _I blamed myself for that, you know, John,_ " his hand was shaking; he reached out for me. " _You were so tired, yet you knew so much… you were my friend, you know._ "

My throat choked up. "Are you for real… ?"

He walked towards me. I stepped back.

" _Please don't leave me again_ ," his ears lowered. " _I don't want to be alone anymore_."

My heart ached. For a brief moment, I felt… sorry for the guy. I almost wanted to give him a hug.

"Don't worry, man," I told him. "Ladybug will fix all of this."

Chat Blanc laughed. " _When'd you become so optimistic?_ "

"Never was," I turned away, facing the Butterfly Man again. "I'm just finally learning to accept some of this."

The Butterfly Man raised his brow.

"It's time to go back to the present," I dug my hands in my pocket. "There's another future I have to prevent."

" _Wait, please, John…_ " Chat Blanc held out his hand.

"Sorry man," I smiled at him, "but I've got other things to do. You'll be fine, though. Ladybug will save your ass. And I've gotta go and save my _own_ ass."

" _NO_!" Chat Blanc screamed. " _Don't leave me as well. I CAN'T LOSE ANYONE ELSE!_ "

"Dude, relax," I raised my hands. "I really gotta-"

" _It's because I ruined everything, isn't it?_ " Chat Blanc whimpered, bowing his head. " _I didn't mean to…_ " He gritted his teeth. " _Why won't you try and help me fix it?! The simple truth is you don't love me anymore, Marinette!_ "

"Huh…?" I asked.

Tears bled from his eyes. " _So I MIGHT as well destroy YOU, ME, OUR MEMORIES... EVERYTHING!_ "

The whole world began turning white. I narrowed my eyes.

"Not today," I turned away. I slapped myself in the face.

I returned back to reality. I was still in the Place des Vosges. Ladybug and Bunnyx were standing in front of me.

"Hey, Bunnyx, when you travel through time, do you forget what happened when you're done?" Ladybug asked.

"What's seen can't be unseen," Bunnyx told me. "I know who you are, Minibug, and a few other things too."

"Do you know who Hawk Moth is?" Ladybug asked.

"Even if I did, I couldn't tell you," Bunnyx responded. "There's a time for everything and time is a fragile thing. That's the reason you picked me, Minibug. I know how to keep a secret. A friend taught me that." She briefly glanced at me.

She walked near me, winking at me.

"And I think you know everything you need to know, Johnny," she poked my cheek.

"Sure do…" I grumbled.

She waved goodbye, before disappearing into her burrow. And I finally got a break from time travelling. Although, I knew that wouldn't last forever. After all, the Butterfly Man was still waiting out for me.

And I knew I was gonna do something that would mess him up… somehow. In the end, maybe I was the scariest version of myself.


	39. It's out of this world

Ah, extended family. Not my favourite thing in the world, I won't lie. I wasn't really a family guy if you catch my drift.

So, I'm one quarter English. My mother is half French half British and was born in ol' London. Because of that, a lot of her family lived up there. Which meant, sometimes, we took vacations to go up and visit them.

Also, they all spoke English, so I suppose it was a good opportunity to get some practice there. Mom was a native speaker so she'd taught me quite a bit. Still, I didn't think it was perfect quite yet.

And so, it was the five of us - my mother, Avril, and the demon twins. We had to get on the train to go to good old London. I wasn't exactly looking forward to being stuck on the train with the demon twins for a good few hours, but at least I'd get to go on one of those cool double decker buses once we got to London. I'll admit, I was a fan of those.

Anyway, so the five of us packed up all of our bags and whatnot and headed off to the train station. Soon enough, we arrived at the Gare du Nord. Blah blah, walking around with our painfully heavy suitcases. Trust me, you do not want to hear about all the whining from the demon twins.

Before long, we got to the Startrain platform. It was the one that my good pal Max had invited us to; apparently, his mom was driving the train or something.

The eponymous star train was right in front of us. It was a nice looking train, I guess; long, white, and covered with patterns of blue stars.

"Ooh," the twins gawked.

"Such a nice looking train, isn't it?" Mom asked.

"I guess," I shrugged. I yawned into my palm. God, I hoped I'd get some rest while on the train.

Max was sitting by the blue door. He perked up when he saw me. Markov was floating beside his head.

"Johnathan!" Max waved at me.

"Oh, Johnathan!" Markov spun around in a circle. "So good to see you!"

"Uh, yeah, you too," I walked up to Max.

"Are you ready to get on board?" Max asked.

"Uh huh," I nodded. The rest of my family looked ready too, thankfully.

"Excellent," Max went inside the train, Markov flying around his head. "Then come aboard."

He led us into the train, taking us to one of the passenger carriages. On the way there, we walked by Marinette and her friends on the train as well, which put me in a good mood (not). Luckily, Max took us to a different carriage with some other families.

And so there we were, in our carriage. The chairs almost looked like the ones you'd see on roller coasters; big, blue chairs with large pillows. Good news, they looked comfy. Up above were containments for bags and such.

Mom and Avril opened up the containments, and began loading them with our stuff.

"So," I looked at Max. "Your mom's driving this thing?"

"Yes," Max nodded. "She hopes to begin her astronaut training soon. She wanted to do it a long time ago, but alas, she had to be there for me. She's currently waiting for her test results."

"Wow, an astronaut?" I asked. "Your mom sounds cool."

Max nodded. "She is."

"Ah, I get how that feels," Avril sighed, looking over her shoulder. "My ex husband was a stay at home father, while I was out working. However, after his death, I had to come home to care for the kids… not that I don't love my girls, of course…" She grinned at her kids. "... but sometimes, I do miss that freedom."

"I know you do, honey," Mom squeezed her hand.

"This train is special for a multitude of reasons," Max told me. "Take your seat and you'll see why."

"Alright, train hostess," I teased, sitting down. Mom sat next to me, whereas the twins sat on the other side with Avril.

All of the sudden, a little, white box came out from under my seat, decorated in blue stars.

"Hello, would you like a beverage?" it asked.

Another one came out from under Mom's chair, asking the same question.

"Whoa," I raised my brow.

"Lemonade," my step-sisters said at the same time.

The box opened up, revealing two cups full of lemonade.

"So cool," the twins gaped.

"Wow," Mom raised her brow, clapping. "Rather impressive! I'll have coffee. And you, John?"

"Just… water, I guess," I shrugged.

Two more cups appeared out of the little service box: hot, fresh coffee, and some water for me.

"Dang, Max," I picked up the cup of water, bringing it to my lips. "Did you make this thing?"

"No, it was made alongside the train," Max told me. "But I believe I could definitely make something like this."

"Trust me, man, you sure could," I gave him a small smile.

Max smiled back. "Thank you, Johnathan. Well, enjoy the ride. I've got more people to greet!"

He waved as he left. Mom raised her brow at me.

"He sure seems like a good friend," she told me.

I shrugged. "He's okay, I guess."

Mom squeezed my shoulder. "I'm just glad you've got some real friends, John."

"Yeah, yeah," I turned away, trying not to smile.

I leaned into the chair, staring at the ceiling. I got out my phone, boredom ensuing.

* * *

It'd been a few hours since the train had left the station. Surprisingly enough, nothing too exciting had happened. The twins had played on their iPads for a while before going off to see some of the other carriages. Mom and Avril chatted about life or death or something. And as for me, I sat on my ass, went on my phone, and eventually… I fell asleep.

I was in space. Or rather, something that looked like it. A vast emptiness, stars and galaxies all around me. No one to hear me call if I died. No one to hear me even if I made some random minor complaint.

I floated through the galaxies, my hair getting in my eyes. I thought about life and death or something.

 _Why am I here?_ I thought. _I'm not some space nerd… am I just going insane or something?_

I floated forward, passing an asteroid. My heart began racing.

"Hey, John," that voice was familiar. Ear-piercingly, annoyingly familiar.

"Lila," I groaned. The area around me changed; I was back on the train, no longer alone, in my stupid carriage. Lila was standing above me, arms crossed. Mom was asleep next to me, leaving me at the mercy of Queen Bitch. Avril and the twins had gone off somewhere; probably to the bathroom, I suppose.

"Nice to see you here," Lila grinned.

"Suck a -" I think you can guess what I said there.

"Wow, John, next to your mom?" Lila laughed. "You aren't a very good son."

"Trust me, if my mom knew who you were she'd be fine with me throwing you off the train," I stood up, crossing my arms.

"You're so funny, John," Lila chuckled.

"What do you want, anyway?" I snapped. "Come here to talk my ear off?"

"What?" Lila gasped. "Of course not. I just wanted to say hello to my friend."

"Yeah, well if you don't piss off now, you can say hello to MY friend," I held up my fist.

Lila bowed her head, stepping back. And then she screamed.

"HELP!" she cried. "HE'S GOING TO ATTACK ME!"

And now everyone was staring at us. Great.

"Huh?" Mom opened her eyes. "John? What's going on?"

Before I threw _myself_ out the damn train, a wave of purple passed by us. I stepped back, arms shivering.

" _Ladies and gentlemen, I am Startrain!_ " the PSA system boomed. " _You all get to live my dream with me! Shoot off the rails, and fly off in a rocket to explore not just the moon, but the entire universe!_ "

"Excuse me?!" Mom stood up.

Lila stepped back, hand on her chest.

"What's going on?" I asked.

Max came bursting in, chest heaving. His glasses almost fell off his face.

"Max?" I asked, biting my lip. I held out a hand, steadying his shoulder.

"That…" he breathed out. "That's my mom!"

"Oh no," I paled.

" _Fasten your seatbelts!_ " Max's mom - aka Startrain - shouted over the intercom. " _We have liftoff!_ "

The train suddenly lurched forward. I held onto the chair as the train ripped itself right out of the channel, flying off in its own direction. Water surrounded us as we made our way through the sea. It was like taking off in a plane but more insane. People cried out from every direction.

I slumped over. _I wanna go home…_

"John…" Max was shaking.

"Aw, Max…" I reached out for him. "Come on, let's sit down."

I sat down next to him, keeping my hand on his shoulder. The ground rumbled.

Lila muttered something under her breath, strapping herself to one of the chairs. The train got faster and faster; we were going even higher. The only thing going faster than the train was my _own_ train of thoughts.

_Oh shit oh god oh fuck-_

"Honey!"

Avril and the twins came in, all three of them looked spooked as hell. Avril ran over to her wife, holding her close.

"Mama, what's going on?!" Mardi cried.

"We're going to space, aren't we?" Lucetta's eyes were huge. "AWESOME!"

"No it's not!" Mom snapped. She went pale all over. "I-I don't know what's going on!"

I gazed out of the window; holy shit, we flew straight past an obsersvation satelite, and the fucking moon. All around us was a great, deep blue sea of black and blue, dotted with shiny, bright stars, just like in my dream.

_Can I predict the future now or some shit?!_

Some passengers were oo-ing and aw-ing, and others were losing their minds. At least some people were having a good time...

And then the floating started.

That's right, we began floating out of our chairs, just like in the movies. Except, of course, this was reality. And I think I was getting seasick.

"WHOOHOO!" Lucetta cheered, swimming through the air.

"Lucetta, get back here!" Avril began swimming after her daughter.

"Mama!" Mardi swam towards my mom, who looked like she was about to pass out.

Max still looked really shaken up. I floated upwards, nearly banging into the roof.

"Alright, Maxie," I offered a hand. "Let's go and speak to your mom."

Max nodded, letting me help him up. We floated over to a speaker on the wall. The eyes of all the other passengers burned onto our backs.

"Mom!" Max cried at the speaker.

" _Max!_ " Startrain cried. " _You see this!? I'm Startrain!_ "

"You have to take us back down to Earth," Max told her. "You can go into space once you pass the exam!"

" _Why?_ " Startrain asked. " _Now I have a hundred percent chance of traveling the universe! And I get to take you with me, too! Isn't this fantastic?_ "

"Ugh, will there ever be an akumatized villain we can actually reason with?" I sighed.

"If only there was a superhero on this train…" Max sighed.

I groaned internally. "Well, you never know. Ladybug and Chat Noir could be on this train."

"Of the hundreds and thousands of people in Paris?" Max laughed. "The odds are very unlikely, Johnathan."

"Well, Chloé's on here, isn't she?" I asked.

Max glowered at me. "I doubt she could help."

"And I thought _I_ was the pessimist here," I raised my brow.

Max breathed out, looking down.

"Look," I crossed my arms, trying not to look stupid as I floated all over the place. "We just-"

"Max! Johnathan!"

Markov flew over, flying around our heads. He stopped in between us.

"What is it?" Max asked him.

"You aren't going to believe this, but Ladybug and Chat Noir are here!" Markov exclaimed.

"They are?" Max gasped.

I chuckled. "Well well. What did I tell you?"

* * *

And so, we headed over to the next carriage, seeing the aforementioned superheroes ahead of us, as well as the entirety of Marinette's class. They were all backed against the wall, their teacher standing in front of them, alongside some other civilians. Since they were all floating, it looked like they were playing some weird game of sardines.

"I can't believe it…" Max gasped.

"Have you been on the train with us the whole time?" Alya asked the heroes.

"Of course not!" Ladybug replied. "We teleported here using a special Miraculous."

"Hey!" Another voice pierced my ear. "What are you doing here?"

I looked down, glowering at Chloé as she floated below me.

"Using the train to go to London," I grumbled. "What about you?"

"Well, I'd be saving the day… if certain superheroes didn't forget to bring my Miraculous." she grumbled.

"Too bad for you," I shrugged.

"Shut your mouth, Jack," Chloé hissed.

"Everyone, please follow me to the back of the train." the teacher spoke up, waving her arms. Everyone began leaving the carriage. I turned around.

"We should go," I told Max.

Max had a wistful look in his eyes. I sighed.

"Go on, then," I told him. "Help the heroes save your mom."

Max's eyes lit up. "I will!"

Markov flew around Max's head. "I can unlock the doors she's hacked."

I gave Max a small smile, before following everyone else, leaving the carriage. Max waved at me; I returned it.

* * *

I made my way back to my own carriage; Mom was trying to stay in her chair, arms shaking. Avril had made the twins sit down, and was currently keeping herself in place. I wasn't sure where Lila was. But honestly… I didn't really care.

"John!" Mom gasped as she saw me.

"Hey," I floated nearby her.

"Is it true?" she asked. "Ladybug and Chat Noir are on this train?"

"Yup," I replied.

She breathed out. "We might have a chance."

Avril patted her wife's arm. "We'll be okay, honey."

"Mom…" I reached out.

I heard some noises from the front of the train. Banging, crashing, and something about someone famous. Things started heating up. Literally. I fell to my knees, sweat pooling down my brow.

_What's going on up there?_

Things began cooling down, rapidly. The demon twins shivered. Avril wrapped her arms around them. My head began pounding.

And then… there was a portal right ahead of us. Mom screamed.

_WHOOSH_

Ka-boom. Out of the blue, we were suddenly in London.

"Is that Big Ben?!" Mom shouted, clinging onto me. Right ahead of us was the big clock tower itself.

_**CRASH** _

… and we slammed right into it. We all lurched forward, me almost throwing up everywhere.

"What the fuck…" I uttered in English.

Mom wiped her eyes. "We're back on Earth. Finally."

In the carriage ahead, I saw the silhouettes of three superheroes. Chat Noir and Ladybug, of course, but there was a third one I didn't recognise.

He had much lighter brown hair, styled in multiple braided locks that were tied back. He had a full body dark brown outfit with some kind of weapon on his back. He had two wings that appeared to come from the shoes which resembled the wings the Greek God Hermes had on his helmet.

The guy waved at me.

 _Max…_ I grinned, waving back. _Damn. At least you kinda look like a different person._

* * *

Welp, Startrain eventually got back to Gare du Nord. Max - or Pegasus, as I'd later discover - was there at the station, alongside everyone else.

Max's mom was there too, looking stressed and tired as she hung around outside the train. She checked her smart watch.

"I passed!" she gasped, her face lighting up.

Max hugged her. "I told you, mom! You're the best! That's one hundred percent certain."

I grinned, before facing my own mom. Bags were under her eyes.

"I'm… not sure if I'm in the mood to go to London after… that…" she got out.

"I think we'll be safe this time, but, it's up to you," Avril told her wife.

"Aww," the twins pouted. "We wanna go on the big buses!"

"Well, John, what do you think?" Mom asked me. "Should we go to London?"

I shrugged, looking at Max. He waved at me.

"Sure, why not," I grumbled. "I need to practice my English, anyway."


	40. Horny, but not in that way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Posted some fan art for this chap on my art social medias (like my instagram ihatefridaysihf for example). :D

"This is YOUR fault, John."

I spun around, glowering at Lila as we hid near the Eiffel Tower. We both had glowing, red horns sticking out of our foreheads, like we were unicorns.

"My fault?" I growled. " _You're_ the one who got us into this mess! If you hadn't gone around pretending to be Adrien's friend and kissing him, none of this would've happened!"

"Well, if _you_ hadn't got involved, we wouldn't be here at all," Lila huffed, crossing her arms.

"You think I _wanted_ to be involved?" I burst out laughing. "I was trying to get out of there! You pulled me into this whole mess!"

"Oh, for goodness' sake, John," Lila shook her head. "Why can't you take responsibility for your actions?"

The horn on her head grew.

My fists shook. "Anyone ever told you you've got a very punchable face?"

Suddenly, our horns began flashing bright red.

"Oh, great," I groaned.

A guy standing near us suddenly disappeared in a flash of red, leaving Oni-Chan in his place. She held out her glowing bokken.

"There you two are," she growled, turning on us. "Think you can run from me, fools?"

"Ugh, John, I can't believe you!" Lila cried, taking a good few steps back. "She found us!"

 _Ugh…_ I groaned. _Just kill me._

Alright… I bet you're pretty confused about what was going on here. Unfortunately, the story of how I got into this… situation… isn't a happy one.

It all started with me running into a girl named Kagami Tsurugi. Remember her? Yeah, she's the girl that hated my guts for some reason.

Seriously, I was just walking through the streets of Paris, minding my own business, when Kagami stormed right on by me. She stopped, turning her sharp gaze onto me.

"You again," she raised her brow. "Johnathan Couture."

"Uh… hi?" I greeted.

"Who _are_ you?" she asked, scowling at me. "Why do I see you so frequently…?"

"I ask myself the same questions every day," I groaned.

"Adrien seems to like you, for whatever reason," she raised a brow at me.

"Well isn't that just special," I grunted.

"Johnathan, tell me," Kagami narrowed her eyes. "Are you secretly a superhero?"

"No," I replied. "Actually, I've got a question for you, Kagami… what's your problem with me?"

"I don't have a problem with you," Kagami turned her head away. "I just think you're wasting your life with inconsequential nonsense."

"So you _do_ have a problem with me," I raised a brow. "Also, what the Hell do you mean by 'inconsequential nonsense'?"

"What I mean, Johnathan, is…" Kagami narrowed her eyes. "... you would be a lot happier if you just accepted your fate."

"What…?" I asked. "So are you saying I'm gonna fucking die or something?"

Kagami sighed. "Nevermind."

She walked away, leaving me dumbfounded. I scratched my head.

_I don't get that girl…_

* * *

I continued on my walk through the streets of Paris. At first, it seemed all well and good, like I wasn't going to run into any dumb shit. I even got to sit at a cafe and have some hot chocolate and gingerbread. Ah, so peaceful.

But of course it couldn't last.

First of all, for some reason, an unknown number messaged me a photo of… Lila kissing Adrien on the cheek. I had no idea who or why but I was pretty weirded out by the experience. Was it some kind of blackmail? I almost felt… scared to respond to the number.

But of course, things only got weirder.

Just as I was about to head on home, a police car pulled up right in front of the path ahead of me, stopping me from moving.

 _Oh shit,_ I stepped back.

The back door of the police car opened, revealing… Lila? For some reason, she had a glowing, red horn coming out of her head.

"There he is!" she pointed at me. "The guy that I was telling you about!"

"Huh?" I made a face.

The front door of the car opened. And what came out was not a police officer.

It was… some kind of Japanese-inspired demon thing. She (assuming) had wild, pointy, dark hair, and her face was obscured by a white oni's mask, which had protruding tusks. From the forehead protruded a red horn. She had a white outfit with black tiger-like stripes and her insignia (a black rose with a red horn) on the chest. Her forearms and legs from the knee down were all black. She wielded a bokken with the blade made from thorny vines twisting together.

"What the fuck?" I stepped back. "Who are you?!"

"I am Oni-Chan," the thing replied, pointing her long, scary bokken at me. "Johnathan Couture!"

I scowled. Only so many people called me by my full name.

"Kagami, again, seriously?" I asked.

"You will call me Oni-Chan," Oni-Chan insisted, glowering at me. "I know what you've done. Adrien doesn't belong to you!"

"What the Hell are you talking about?" I asked.

"Don't lie to me," Oni-Chan hissed, getting closer towards me. "He talks about you all the time. About how… _sorry_ he feels for you."

"Uh… what?" I asked.

"You know what I'm talking about," she grumbled. "Leave him alone or suffer!"

"I… don't understand what you're saying," I made a face.

"I forbid you to go anywhere near Adrien, Johnathan," Oni-Chan sliced a mailbox with her bokken. "Give up on him and I will spare you."

"Do you think I want to hang around that guy?" I almost started laughing. "Every time I'm near him stupid shit happens. Honestly, I'm not surprised he feels _sorry_ for me."

Oni-Chan made a very inhuman growl. I began sweat-beading, and took quite a few more steps backwards. My legs were tense.

"How _dare_ you insult him," she growled.

"Listen, I didn't mean it," I shook my hands, turning to run away. "I mean - I don't _hate_ Adrien. That doesn't mean I want to be his friend, though." I bowed my head. "Please, man, just leave me out of this mess."

"ENOUGH!" Oni-Chan pointed her bokken at my forehead. I tried to run away, but she had me backed into a corner. My breaths became shaky.

"Back off!" a yoyo came out of nowhere, wrapping itself around Oni-Chan's bokken.

 _Thank the gods…_ I breathed out as Ladybug came flying over, scowling. She and Oni-Chan circled each other.

Lila got out of the car, arms crossed. "I told you, I don't need you, Ladybug. Even John has more of a chance with Adrien than that ugly horned girl."

I was so angry I started laughing.

"Do you think this is funny, Johnathan Couture?" Oni-Chan turned her bokken on me again. I gulped.

"Get out of here!" Ladybug told me, stealing Oni-Chan's attention away from me.

"Good advice…" I muttered. I raced away, lungs burning. My heart pounded in my chest. Lila muttered something under her breath, before turning and running away as well, thankfully in the opposite direction.

"You can't run from me, Lila Rossi, Jonathan Couture!" Oni-Chan cackled. "No matter how far you run, I'll always find you both!"

 _Great…_ I thought. _Just what I wanted._

* * *

After running for what seemed like forever, I finally took a breather in Jardin des Tuileries. Lovely place. Little lesson for you all in case you were wondering, the Jardin des Tuileries is a public garden located between the Louvre Museum and the Place de la Concorde in the 1st arrondissement of Paris. Created by Catherine de' Medici as the garden of the Tuileries Palace in 1564, it was eventually opened to the public in 1667 and became a public park after the French Revolution. In the 19th and 20th centuries, it was a place where Parisians celebrated, met, strolled, and relaxed. But history lesson aside…

It had a nice fountain in the center, and was surrounded by finely trimmed trees, pathways, and annoying human beings. It was a nice place to come and hang out; just being there relaxed me already.

I sat by the fountain, wiping sweat off my bangs. I closed my eyes, almost falling asleep…

"John?"

I nearly jumped right out of my skin. Standing above me was none other than my dad.

"Dad?" I sat up, my father putting a hand on my shoulder.

"What are you doing out here, John?" he asked, raising a brow. "And what's that on your forehead?"

"Well, I…" I made a face. "What?"

I reached up. There was something… long and sharp coming out of my forehead.

"What the Hell…" I pulled out my phone, switching the camera to face me. I nearly dropped my phone. There was a red horn just like Oni-Chan's coming out of my forehead.

"What the Hell is this?!" I demanded. I reached up, trying to yank it off. All I did was give myself a headache.

Dad made a face. "Well, John, I-"

He got interrupted by his phone buzzing. He pulled it out of his pocket.

"Huh," he frowned at his phone. "What an interesting te-"

My horn began… glowing. Suddenly, Dad disappeared… and Oni-Chan took his place.

"What the Hell?!" I shouted, falling on my ass.

"I told you, Johnathan," Oni-Chan's eyes glowed, holding out her bokken. "You can't run from me."

"What'd you do with my dad?!" I demanded.

"Oh, he's fine," I swear Oni-Chan would've been smiling like a true Disney villain behind that mask, "but you won't be."

Before she could skin me alive or cook me and eat me, Chat Noir showed up, holding out his claws.

"Heya, buddy," he grinned at me. "Cool horn."

"Pesky cat," Oni-Chan huffed, turning on Chat Noir.

I stood up, shaking my hair out of my face. The stupid horn had ruined my hairdo.

Time to go…

I made another get away, pulling out my phone. My fingers hurriedly danced across the keyboard.

_dad are you okay?_

_Fine John. How did I end up in the Trocadero though? Very weird… but what about you john? Are you okay?_

_gotta run. See you soon dad_

I slipped my phone away. A red, weird light was coming from my horn. It started flashing, sending out rings like some kind of sonar.

_Oh what now?_

For some reason, I felt like I had to follow this stupid sonar. And so I did. I let it lead me all across Paris, on buses, trains, and through crowds of people, slowly destroying my energy. And oh, dear, sweet, reader, what did this sonar of mine lead me to?

The Eiffel Tower, of course.

I stopped in front of the Eiffel Tower, my sonar flashing even brighter. And then my face fell. Lila was there, her own horn flashing red. We stood there like we were having some kind of wild west standoff.

 _Oh come on_ , I groaned, turning away since it was getting stupid awkward. _I'd almost rather run into the bad guy…_

Lila huffed, crossing her arms. "This is YOUR fault, John."

I spun around, glowering at Lila as we hid near the Eiffel Tower.

"My fault?" I growled. " _You're_ the one who got us into this mess! If you hadn't gone around pretending to be Adrien's friend and kissing him, none of this would've happened!"

"Well, if _you_ hadn't got involved, we wouldn't be here at all," Lila huffed, crossing her arms.

"You think I _wanted_ to be involved?" I burst out laughing. "I was trying to get out of there! You pulled me into this whole mess!"

"Oh, for goodness' sake, John," Lila shook her head. "Why can't you take responsibility for your actions?"

The horn on her head grew.

My fists shook. "Anyone ever told you you've got a very punchable face?"

Suddenly, our horns began flashing bright red.

"Oh, great," I groaned.

A guy standing near us suddenly disappeared in a flash of red, leaving Oni-Chan in his place. She held out her glowing bokken.

"There you two are," she growled, turning on me. "Think you can run from me, fools?"

"Ugh, John, I can't believe you!" Lila cried, taking a good few steps back. "She found us!"

 _Ugh…_ I groaned. _Just kill me._

Oni-Chan gazed at her bokken. "Which one of you shall go first?"

"Fine, fine," Lila bowed down. "I'll give up on Adrien." Her horn glowed.

"You're an awesome actress, but you're lying," Oni-Chan shook her head. "Your horn betrays you, see? It will only disappear once you've sincerely given up on Adrien."

"But how could I possibly give Adrien up?" Lila sobbed. "I love him so much! It's too hard for me, honestly! You can't ask me to do that. The only thing that would persuade me to give him up if you got rid of _him_ for me." She pointed at me.

"Oh, hold on now," I raised my hands. "The only way to get rid of this stupid horn thing is to give up Adrien?"

"Yes," Oni-Chan replied, turning on me. "You-"

"Fine then, I give him up," I bowed my head. "He's yours for the taking."

The horn on my head shrunk, until it vanished. I breathed out in relief. Lila gasped. Oni-Chan stepped back.

"Well, Johnathan," she placed her hands together. "It turns out you're more sincere than I initially realised."

"Will you let me go now?" I asked.

"I would, but Lila made a great proposition," Oni-Chan tilted her head on a creepy angle. "I am sorry Johnathan, but now you must die."

Honestly, I was kind of relieved. What else could I ask for?

On the other hand, Lila's sadistic smile was really pissing me off. Now I wanted to live, just so I could spite her stupid ass.

"Well then, maybe I should call Adrien and ask him what _he_ thinks about all this," I held out my phone. "It's him that you're throwing under the bus here."

"What?!" Oni-Chan stumbled back.

"Wow, imagine if Adrien found out how psychotic you two are," I laughed. "Maybe he really _would_ pick me then."

Oni-Chan glowered at me. "I would be more careful with my words if I were you, Johnathan."

"Says the one who's tryna kill me," I grunted. "Wonder how Adrien feels about murder."

Before I could call Adrien, my phone flashed, obscuring my vision, though I saw a glimpse of red and black spots. Oni-Chan screamed out as her horn glowed. All of the sudden, I was in the Trocadero, standing next to my dad.

"Thanks for that, John," Chat Noir grinned, standing right in front of me with a phone

of his own. "Now we've got her under control."

"Uh, what…?" I asked, shaking my head.

He waved, before he disappeared in another flash. In his place was a firefighter.

"Huh…?" the firefighter looked around, scratching his head.

"Uh…" Dad looked just as confused. I couldn't blame him.

"Maybe we should just go home…" I sighed. And so, that's what we did, thank the gods.

* * *

"Johnathan?"

I looked up as I walked through the streets of Paris once more. It was Kagami. She stood in front of me, arms crossed. The sun was setting behind her.

"Uh, hey…?" I greeted.

"I got akumatized, didn't I?" she asked.

"Maybe yes, maybe no," I shrugged.

"You're a strange person, Johnathan," Kagami told me, bowing her head. "You are so… negative. So annoying, yet so… stubborn. I despised you from the moment I saw you." She sighed. "… But that doesn't mean you deserve to be hurt. I've been unkind towards you without realising what you've been through."

I just stood there, awkwardly. I didn't even know what to say. Kindness wasn't something I got much.

"Adrien really does feel sorry for you," Kagami told me. "He says you go through a lot. I wish I had known before."

"Yeah…" I chuckled, darkly. "That's true. My life sucks ass."

"I didn't realise how much you went through," Kagami bowed her head. "I'm sorry, Johnathan. I will leave you alone now."

She turned away.

"Thanks," I waved at her. "At least you get it now."

"Yes…" She continued walking away. She looked over her shoulder.

"You don't like Adrien romantically, do you?" she asked.

"Nah," I replied. "I'm aro-ace."

"I see," Kagami nodded. "I respect that."

We shared a small smile, then she left.

_Y'know, maybe she ain't so bad…_


	41. Another one for the apocalypse bingo

"YOU THERE!"

I stopped, turning around. Standing behind me was a villain with an absolutely disgusting colour scheme. Bright pink hair, covered in a hideous metal suit, and glasses that reminded me of cucumber slices. She was wielding a long, vacuum cleaner-esque weapon in her hands. A nasty grin was on her face.

Worst of all, that weapon was pointed right at my throat.

"Uh…" I paled. "Hi."

"YOU KNOW ABOUT THE EXISTENCE OF THESE, DON'T YOU?" She boomed, holding up a phone. On it was a video of a banana being eaten in some classroom... but nothing was there eating it.

"What are you talking about…?" I asked.

"DON'T YOU PLAY DUMB WITH ME!" she boomed. "YOU KNOW THE TRUTH!"

"Huh?" I made a face at the video. "There's nothing there eating the banana… special effects?"

The villain got closer to me. "No, you've seen them. Those little animal-like creatures. The little ladybug and the cat."

I tried not to let the shock show on my face.

"I… I still have no idea what you're talking about," I titled my head.

"Stubborn boy," she growled. "I'm going to get answers out of you, NO MATTER WHAT."

"Just leave me alone," I backed up. "I don't have anything you want."

"Oh, yes, you do," she hissed. "Haven't you heard of me? I am Kwamibuster, and soon, I'll be the greatest scientist in the whole world!"

"I have no idea who you are…" I told her.

"Are you serious?" she curled her lip. "Don't you watch the news, boy?"

"I've been trying to avoid the news lately, honestly," I admitted. "It's just the same stuff over and over again. Tragedy this, tragedy that… it gets depressing real fast."

"Well then, allow me to enlighten you," Kwamibuster grinned, holding out her weapon. "From my studies, I have conducted that whenever you are around, Ladybug and Chat Noir will also make an appearance. However, Ladybug has lost her kwami."

She showed a little compartment inside the weapon; in there was Tikki. She floated around in there, swirling about like it was a vacuum cleaner.

"What in Hell?!" I stumbled back.

"Now I just need Chat Noir's kwami," Kwamibuster chuckled, "and then I will be the GREATEST SCIENTIST OF ALL TIME!"

 _Well… shit,_ I thought. _How're you gonna get out of this one, you two…_

Kwamibuster pointed her weapon at me. "Alright, little boy. Let's see how long it takes for the kitty cat to walk into the trap." She snapped her fingers. "True or false. Chat Noir will save you if I throw you off the Eiffel Tower."

I paled. "Uh-"

_**FLASH** _

All of the sudden, I was dangling thousands of feet above the ground. Holding me up by the back of my hoodie was none other than Kwamibuster, holding me over the edge of the Eiffel Tower. The Seine was below me, menacingly awaiting for my demise.

My own screams were held in by my throat being choked up in fear. I forced myself to look away, tears almost slipping down my cheeks. And of course, right next to us was a goddamn camera, so the whole world got to see me suffering… again.

"Ladybug!" Kwamibuster boomed at the camera. "I already have your Kwami, and soon I'll have your Miraculous, too. True or false."

Her grip slightly loosened on my hoodie.

_Oh god oh fuck oh please-_

"Chat Noir, you will come and save Mr. Couture if I let him fall," Kwamibuster continued, "and then your kwami will be mine. True or false."

No one came.

"Well then," Kwamibuster grinned at me. "I think it's time the experiment began."

She opened her hand. And then I fell.

…

Someone grabbed me, pulling me to safety. Of course, it was Chat Noir. He placed me beneath the Eiffel Tower, looking up where Kwamibuster stood. I almost fainted on the spot, gazing up at the looming tower.

"You okay?" he asked me.

I grimaced. "Yeah, fine, but-"

"Predictable," Kwamibuster clapped. "So predictable, Chat Noir."

Like she was in the Olympics or something, she did a flip, landing right beside us. Chat Noir held out his staff, standing in front of me.

"I believe Mr. Couture knows a lot more about you than you might believe, Chat Noir," Kwamibuster chuckled.

"Huh?" Chat Noir gazed down at me. "What do you mean?"

"He knows about the existence of Kwamis!" Kwamibuster cackled.

I grimaced. "Where'd you get the idea I know about kwamis from?"

"You're always around these two superheroes," Kwamibuster explained, "therefore, it's most likely you know about kwamis, and, I daresay… their secret identities."

There was a long, tense silence. Then I burst out laughing.

"Maybe you're smarter than I thought," I told her. "Or maybe, completely stupid, since _you_ don't know their identities. It's pretty obvious after all. Yet... if I told you who they were, you wouldn't believe me."

Kwamibuster raised a brow. "Oh? Enlighten me with your hypothesis."

Chat Noir went tense. I gazed at him.

 _Think of something, man!_ I thought. _Come on! Adrien Agreste is smart, you can be smart, too!_

"They…" I sighed. "Their identities are…" I made a face, breathing in. "Are you sure you want to know…?"

Kwamibuster gritted her teeth. "Yes!"

"Are you absolutely 100 percent positive sure?" I asked, blinking my eyelashes.

"YES!" Kwamibuster boomed, her weapon glowing. "NOW TELL ME OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!"

"Oh, okay…" I played with my hair like an anime school girl. "I just wanted to be sure."

Kwamibuster growled, glaring right at me. I took a deep breath. The camera was on me again, making my hands shiver. Why did the whole world have to watch me suffer…?

"Come closer," I held out my finger.

Kwamibuster leaned in. I tried to avoid looking at the dark, sketchy blotch floating around behind her. The one that definitely _wasn't_ Chat Noir. Hint hint.

Soon, Kwamibuster was standing right above me. I took in one last breath.

"They…" I pursed my lips. "... aren't gonna reveal themselves because it's just that blatantly obvious anyway."

Kwamibuster raised her brow, but it was too late.

"CATACYLSM!"

Chat Noir came up from behind her, holding out his glowing claws. Kwamibuster tensed… then grinned, batting him away. He crashed onto the ground.

"You foolish children," Kwamibuster chuckled. "Your plan was well thought out but its execution was terrible. Now you shall SUFFER THE REPERCUSSIONS OF YOUR FAILED EXPERIMENT!"

She turned the weapon on Chat Noir; it whirred, sucking the air around him.

"Adr- Chat Noir!" I gasped.

The weapon sucked up his ring. He raced off, darting behind one of the legs of the Eiffel Tower, just in the nick of time. Plagg floated around inside Kwamibuster's weapon.

I could hear Chat Noir's panting from a mile away. The floating camera turned its attention on the leg. Time seemed to slow down.

_For crying out loud…_

"Heyyyy," I went in front of the camera; my cheeks must've been redder than a tomato. "Um. Wait, what the Hell is that?"

"Huh?" Kwamibuster turned around.

And I tell you what folks, it was some of the weirdest shit I'd ever seen, and I'm being 100 percent serious here.

A bunch of kwamis came flying in: a bee, a fox, a mouse, and many more flew towards Kwamibuster, all holding something in their mouths. I then realised with… I don't even know how to describe the feeling… that there were tiny clones of Ladybug inside their mouths. Yeah. I'm not making this shit up. Honest to God.

For once, I was truly and utterly speechless. I just stood there, unable to move.

The kwamis began flying around Kwamibuster, confusing the undying hell out of me. And her, for that matter.

"Catch us if you can!" one of them shouted.

"I'm over here!" another one taunted.

"You can't get away from me," Kwamibuster growled, holding out her weapon. "You're no match for Kwamibuster!"

"Psst! Hey, John!"

I looked up; the mouse kwami was flying beside me. It opened its mouth, revealing a tiny Ladybug clone. But she was dressed in a different outfit, it seemed.

"Uh…" I stared up at her.

"I'm Multimouse," she told me. "Ladybug has sent me to save you and defeat Kwamibuster."

I narrowed my eyes at her tiny form. She wore a grey, pink and black suit. She wore her hair in Odango-style twin buns which kinda looked like mouse ears. Her mask was gray at the top and pink with a black border. She wore elbow-length black gloves and black boots that were knee level with a thick pink horizontal stripe.

 _Wow…_ I thought. _She actually managed to get a different hairstyle. And yet her voice is still the same..._

"Okay, then…" I made a face. "But why are you inside that… thing's… mouth?"

"Oh!" she chuckled. "It was just the easiest way to get here."

I just stared at her.

_I'm actually having a crisis right now..._

"Moving on…" I grumbled. "Can you help me get out of here?"

She nodded. "Of course I can." She pointed off into the distance. "Get out of here, run that way. Me and the others have got this covered."

 _Wow, thanks,_ I thought. _Couldn't have thought of that myself._

"Simple and pragmatic…" I muttered. "Do you really think Kwamibuster will just let me just go?"

"Of course she will," Multimouse nodded. "She's distracted."

For some reason I couldn't help but doubt that… then again, I was talking to a miniature Ladybug clone who was hanging out inside the mouth of some kind of interdimensional being.

_I thought her kwami was gone… oh whatever..._

"Alright, see ya," I turned away, legs pounding against the ground. My hands flinched a little when I thought about Adrien. As much as he pissed me off, I didn't want him dead.

_Hope he's doing okay… the dumbass…_

"UGH!" Kwamibuster's screams went right through my hearing aid, almost destroying it. "DO YOU REALLY WISH TO LET HIM GET AWAY FROM YOU, FOOLS? HE KNOWS EVERYTHING!"

 _Holy shit…_ I clutched my hearing aid as the sound vanished from my ear. _I'm gonna have to see Dr Mirza later because of you assholes…_

"Just go!" Multimouse waved at me.

I shook myself out of it, continuing to run away.

"Chat Noir, don't worry," I heard Multimouse cry out. "We can't find out each other's identities, but… I won't let anyone hurt you!"

 _Hey, that's some good food for thought,_ I gazed ahead. _Why are they so insistent about keeping their secret identities? They don't have to tell the entirety of Paris, but why not each other? It would save me about ten headaches..._

Of course, there was the event of that whole Chat Blanc thing, but like I said, it wasn't like they had to tell the entirety of Paris.

 _Maybe I'm just an idiot…_ I thought. _After all… I ain't the one swinging my ass around town with a yo-yo._

"ENOUGH!" Kwamibuster boomed, suddenly landing in front of me. She pointed her weapon at me.

"What now?!" I cried out.

"These clones can't fool me," she growled. "Tell me the true identities of Ladybug and Chat Noir!"

"What makes you think I know?" I stumbled back.

"True or false, Johnathan Couture," she loomed above me. "You believe that Marinette Dupain-Chen and Ladybug are one in the same!"

 _Wow…_ I almost started laughing. _So you really did figure it out._

"False."

And then it took a whole new level of insanity, since Ladybug herself was suddenly standing behind me, hands on hips.

 _Oh my god,_ I wanted to explode. _What the Hell?! But her kwami… am I on an acid trip right now?!_

"What…?" Even Kwamibuster was shocked, taking a good few steps back.

Ladybug grinned and nodded. "That's right. Your claims are false!"

 _Wha… wha…_ my whole body shivered. _Is reality even real anymore?!_

"Ladybug…" I stared at her.

"Don't worry, Multimouse and I have got this covered," she told me, grinning.

"But you… Marinette…" I breathed.

_Is everything just a lie?! Have I been played for a fool?_

"Oh, you mean Marinette Dupain-Cheng?" Ladybug replied, waving it off. "Don't worry, she's safe."

_What is happening…_

"M'lady!" I'd recognise that voice from anywhere.

Chat Noir came racing over, wearing a ridiculous costume. Seriously, he was dressed as a banana. Where the Hell did he even get that from?! Well, at least he was more anonymous than he was as his superhero self…

"I knew you'd come for me!" he cried out.

 _Man,_ I made a face. _It seems Ladybug is saving his ass all the time these days… come on, Adrien, you're better than this…_

"WHAT IS THIS INSANITY?!" Kwamibuster roared, looking left and right. I had never related more to a villain.

"Over here!" the kwamis chanted, flying all around her. "Come and get us!"

 _Wait a second…_ I narrowed my eyes. _The kwamis all have clones of Ladybug in their mouths… does that mean the Ladybug here is also a clone? Which one is the real Ladybug?_

I fell to the ground. _My head hurts…_

"Alright," Multimouse jumped into the air. "Let's end this!"

All of the kwamis gathered together, surrounding Multimouse inside the bee thing's mouth. They got out of the creatures' mouths, coming together to form Voltron - I mean another version of Multimouse.

"Plagg, Mullo, Unify!" she called out, her appearance changing again. "Tikki, Mullo, Unify!"

And then she looked different _again_. She essentially looked the same as Multimouse, but her suit gained black spots on the grey part and all the pink accents on Multimouse became red as a result of the Ladybug influence I guess. Her mask also got five black spots that were in a symmetrical design and the pink section became red.

 _Oh come on, gimme a break_ , I groaned, almost falling on my ass.

"Who the Hell are you?" I asked her.

"I'm Multibug!" I replied.

"Multibug, Multimouse, all those clones…" I pulled my hands through my hair. "How do you stay sane?!"

"It's part of being a hero," Multibug told me.

_I'm gonna end myself..._

"CATACLYSM!" Multibug charged towards Kwamibuster.

She grabbed her machine, destroying it. The kwamis flew out, alongside the akuma. Ladybug grabbed the akuma with her yo-yo, turning it into a white butterfly.

Kwamibuster turned into the science teacher from Marinette's school, I forgot her name. And honestly, I didn't care.

"Lucky Charm!" Multibug cried out, summoning a bowl. "Mullo, Plagg, Divide!" She transformed back into Multimouse, her clones running off in different directions. My brain began stinging again.

 _I can't watch this crap anymore…_ I groaned, turning away. _My brain is actually going to explode._

I got up and ran away, heart thumping in my chest. I raced through Paris, phone in hand.

"MIRACULOUS LADYBUG!"

_These guys are getting way too freaky for me…_


	42. Someone tell my family to chill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhh I forgot to update on here last week, so y'all getting two chapters. XD

So, Marinette. Well. My feelings about her were… mixed, to say the least. I respected her as a hero. And she seemed nice enough as herself, too. Although her Adrien obsession went a bit too far sometimes. She could get pretty creepy.

On the other hand… parties. I wasn't a fan of them. Too noisy, full of annoying people. The food was alright (sometimes) but everything else sucked.

You might be wondering what these two things have in common. Well… it was because I got invited to Marinette's surprise birthday party. Did I want to go? Nope. Did my mom want me to go? Yes. So did I go? … yes.

Well, at least I _tried_ to go. Turns out, things got a little… sidetracked. An old friend may or may not have made a reappearance. Seriously, someone tell these people to leave me alone.

As I walked down the streets of Paris minding my own business, trying to ignore life itself of course, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I sighed, pulling it out.

Marinette: _John!_

I raised my brow.

Me: _uh hey_

Marinette: _You haven't been akumatized?_

Me: _no?_

Marinette: _Oh good, well you need to-_

"Johnathan Couture."

My grip tightened around my phone. There was a wacko standing in front of me, eyes narrowed.

She had periwinkle skin. Over her head, while leaving her mouth exposed, she wore a black helmet with a red visor with black edges. She also wore a black dress suit with stiff shoulders, including a dark red front and swan neck collar that featured a red downward-arrow-shaped section in the center. Her pant legs came down to her feet, having red high-heels, soles, and tips.

 _These villains need to get a better costume designer…_ I scowled.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"Catalyst," she hissed.

 _Hold on,_ I narrowed my eyes, recognising her voice. _Nathalie? Again?_

"Hawk Moth won't allow you to get in the way of our plans again," she held out a hand, scowling. "I've come to eliminate you myself."

She coughed into her palm, stumbling back for a moment. Then she waved her arms, summoning a long, sharp knife.

 _Honestly, at least she's direct,_ I groaned internally.

"Surrender," she held out the knife.

"Y'know what, sure," I shrugged, getting onto my knees.

Catalyst stumbled back, almost in surprise. Then she came forward, scowling down at me.

"Stop right there!"

For once, it wasn't Ladybug and Chat Noir. It was… my mom? She was holding up her hands, glowering at Catalyst.

"Mom?!" I stammered.

"Who are you?" Catalyst asked my mother.

"Get away from my son!" she took a step towards Catalyst, standing in front of me.

"Mom…" I reached out a hand.

"John!" she cried, looking back at me. "What are you doing just sitting around? Get up and run!"

"What are you doing here…?" I asked.

"John, go!" Mom shouted.

Catalyst turned on my mother. "You haven't been akumatized either?"

"Do you think I'd let myself get akumatized?" Mom crossed her arms. "Not while my son is in danger!"

I stood up. Mom was shaking. Tears were in her eyes.

"Akumatized…" I muttered. "Who's been akumatized?"

Catalyst adjusted her visor.

"No…" I narrowed my eyes. " _How_ many people have been akumatized?"

"John, please, just go," Mom waved her hands at me. "I won't let anything happen to you."

"Wait, where's Avril?" I asked. "I thought all this hero stuff was her business."

"Go," Mom repeated, tears spilling down her cheeks.

"What about you?" I asked.

"Just go," Mom told me. She smiled through the tears. "I'll be fine."

I breathed out, before finally turning away to leave. The wind rushed through my hair and my legs screamed. My heart felt heavy, though. Heavy with… _guilt_.

_Mom… I can't believe I just-_

"Johnny!"

I would've recognised those voices anywhere. A certain pair of akumatized twins landed in front of me, scythes in hand. Like that other time, they were both covered in an edgy red. I backed against the wall.

_Great… a fourth time?!_

"Now, girls, leave some for me."

Oh god, that voice was familiar too. A woman landed in front of me, between the twins. Her long, dark hair had a blood-red ombre, and was braided behind her back. She wore a hero costume similar to Rena Rogue's except it was black with a streak of red going up the center, and a belt carrying some scary looking weapons. Red eyeshadow and lipstick were around her face, and two black horns were coming out of her head. Her boots also had spikes.

"Avril…" I stumbled back.

"Call me Renard Noir," Avril grinned, her boots clicking against the ground.

"You… you got akumatized…" I almost started laughing. "Avril, honestly, I thought you were better than that."

"Those heroes weren't going to let me become Rena Rogue again," Renard Noir shook her head, crossing her arms. "So I had to do it my own way."

"I thought you got over that," I raised a brow.

"Once you become a hero, there's no going back, dear John," she chuckled. "But I know how much you go through. Don't worry, my beloved step-son. I won't make you get involved. I'll let you go."

"Thanks…?" I raised a brow.

She patted my head. "Off you go. I have some… heroes to deal with."

She split into mirages that raced off into different directions. My head began to hurt again.

"Mama!" the twins cried, splitting up to chase after their mother's army of clones. I slumped on the ground, forehead booming.

_What the Hell is happening…_

I pulled out my phone, opening up the news. My brow raised. It was Nadja Chamack at the Arc de Triomphe, with something very interesting behind her.

(Side note: The Arc de Triomphe de l'Étoile is one of the most famous monuments in Paris. It stands in the centre of the Place Charles de Gaulle - originally named Place de l'Étoile - at the western end of the Champs-Élysées. As the name suggests, it's a giant, fancy arc covered in glamour and old statues.)

" _This is Nadja Chamack, live from the Arc de Triomphe, where Ladybug is battling against a new supervillain,_ " Nadja told the camera.

Behind her was that Mayura chick (the one that was also Catalyst) tussling with Ladybug.

" _I am Mayura, and I'm about to annihilate Ladybug_ ," Mayura cackled. " _Mwahahaha!_ "

For some reason, the whole thing seemed pretty sus. Mainly because I'd seen Mayura/Nathalie as her other alter ego, Catalyst, just a few minutes ago, when she had attempted to kill me.

 _Where even is Ladybug right now?_ I groaned, internally.

"John!"

I turned around. It was Dad. He was running towards me, gulping in breaths of air. Man, the guy needed to get some exercise. No offence Dad.

"Dad," I faced him. "What are you doing here?"

"I came looking for you," he told me, brushing off his sweater. "It's getting dangerous around here, John. Your step mother got akumatized."

"I know," I grumbled. I raised a brow. "But how'd you know I was here?"

"Uh, your mother told me," he scratched the back of his head. "Come on, John, let's go home."

He grabbed my arm, leading me ahead. He gulped in some more air.

"Whoa, Dad…" I raised my hands. "Wait, is Mom okay, then?"

"I'm sure she's fine, John," Dad replied. "And besides, Ladybug and Chat Noir will save the day, won't they?"

"I don't even know what's happening with Ladybug," I told him. "A villain straight up tried to assassinate me, Dad. Does Hawk Moth see me as a threat?"

Dad's face shadowed over.

"Dad?" I asked.

"Of course not, John," he chuckled, grinning down at me. "You're just an innocent civilian, after all. What interest would Hawk Moth have in you?"

"I don't know," I shrugged. "I get to hang out with Ladybug and Chat Noir a lot. Surely he's noticed by now."

"Well, even if he has, what reason would he have to go after you?" Dad replied, shrugging. "You don't pose any danger to him. You mostly try to stay out of the way. Surely, you must come across as the opposite of a threat."

"Is that a backhanded compliment or an insult?" I raised my brow.

Dad laughed, patting my head with a hand. "Oh, John. You worrywort. It's going to turn out fine. Don't even think about Hawk Moth or any of that, okay?"

There was something… weird about the smile he gave me. I'm not sure why, it just felt… off. Looking at it made my skin crawl. I grimaced, looking away. In my heart, another feeling was blooming. I took a deep breath.

"Y'know, Dad, when you and mom were still living together…" I put my hands in my pockets. "Is it… is it bad that I still miss those times? Sometimes?"

Dad coughed into his palm. "Well… um… of course not, John. I know our divorce was hard for you, but hey… you moved on."

"You still miss Mom?" I asked.

Dad avoided eye contact. "Um… well… not much anymore. Ahem."

"You're being pretty funny about all this," I walked ahead of him, trying to catch his gaze. "You told me I can talk to you about this whenever I'm feeling down."

Dad laughed, playing with his hands. "Did I? Oh dear."

His body began shaking. His eyes flashed… red.

"Dad, you're being weird," I told him, narrowing my eyes. "Are you… are you really my dad, or are you someone else…?"

"Is it that obvious?" Dad sighed, slumping over. Dark edginess surrounded him. He spread his arms, growing much larger, until he loomed above me. His eyes turned blood red. He grinned, showing a row of inhumanely sharp teeth. His bloated arms twitched. My stomach lurched.

"Time for you to die," he told me, voice grating my ears. "No hard feelings, young boy. It will be quick."

"Dad?!" I stumbled back. "I mean - wait, who are you?"

"Just a sentimonster," he raised a deadly, glowing hand. "Your time is up, John."

"What the Hell is a sentimonster?!" I cried.

He didn't answer, of course. His large, monstrous hand lunged forward, reaching out for me. I slipped out of the way, backing up against a building.

"Did you do something to my real dad?" I demanded.

"Of course not, he's fine," Sentimonster Dad replied. He shrugged. "Or is he? A lot of people are getting akumatized recently…"

I gritted my teeth, taking a few steps back. "You were lying about Hawk Moth, then… _why_ is he interested in me?"

"I don't think it's because of _you_ ," Sentimonster Dad trudged towards me, arm in the air. "Rather, an alternate version of you."

I gasped. _Johnny…_

"But I'm not Johnny - uh, the version of me you're looking for," I replied. "Why are you going after me?"

"Because you're just as dangerous," Sentimonster Dad replied, narrowly missing me. "Just as dangerous as 'Johnny', but for different reasons. You're getting in the way of Chat Noir and Ladybug being taken out. In other words… you're a roadblock, John."

"Is that really all you villains see me as?" I laughed. "Because I'm not a roadblock. I'm a civilian."

"A pseudo-hero," Sentimonster Dad waved a hand.

"Oh god no," I shook my head. "I said I'm just a _civilian_."

Sentimonster Dad laughed. "Keep lying to yourself."

He lunged for me again.

"I just said I'm no threat to you," I told him, cradling the arm that had nearly got ripped off. My heart couldn't take much more at that point.

"I know," Sentimonster Dad growled. "You're not a threat… yet. I'm not taking chances with you."

"Is that a backhanded compliment or an insult?" I raised my brow.

"I don't have time for your jokes!" Sentimonster Dad roared. He backed me into a corner, arm raised. His teeth were bared. Before I could slip away, his hand came down, tearing right through my jacket.

My throat went completely dry. My breaths were short; my stomach wanted to evict itself from my body. I couldn't bring myself to look down. The wetness dripping down my sides was enough.

Why did that thing have to have my dad's face…

"John!"

Ladybug appeared, followed by Chat Noir. I had never been so relieved.

"Another sentimonster," Ladybug gasped.

"My tummy…" I whimpered, like a little baby.

"They're going after John as well?" Chat Noir gasped. "What did he do?"

 _Exactly_ , I sighed.

"So determined to protect him," Sentimonster Dad turned on the two heroes. "This boy is meaningless!"

"Hey, he's a civilian of Paris," Chat Noir held out his claws. "We don't let innocent civilians get hurt!"

"That's right," Ladybug swung her yoyo around. "You might've been able to fool Chat Noir momentarily, Mayura, but not anymore. We know you're a fake, and we're taking you down for good!"

My arms shook. _I knew that Ladybug was a fake…_

"Lucky Charm!" Ladybug held out her hand, summoning… a fork. "Now then, we'll-"

Suddenly, both of the heroes went flying backwards. They crashed into each other, spiralling backwards. Renard Noir appeared, holding out a long, spiked whip.

"Forgot about me?" she teased.

"Wha… Avril Brodeur?!" Ladybug sat up, grabbing her head.

"Renard Noir to you, Ladybug, Chat Noir," she replied, placing her whip in her palm. "You're going to regret replacing me."

She brought out a flute, summoning her army of clones. They surrounded Ladybug and Chat Noir from every angle.

"Well then, John," Sentimonster Dad caught my attention with an enlarged hand. "Now, back to-"

"Hey," Renard Noir shot a spear at Sentimonster Dad, slamming him into the wall. "You don't get to mess with my step-son, pal. I'm a hero; I won't let YOU mess with anything."

I gazed up at her from my spot on the floor.

"Don't worry, I'll get you to hospital soon, John," she winked at me. "For now… I have to deal with these two."

She stormed towards Ladybug and Chat Noir, who gazed up at her in horror.

"Mayura's doing…" Ladybug grumbled, holding out her yoyo.

"You think I'm not good enough for you two?" Renard Noir chuckled. "Fine, then. I'm not good enough. I'm _better_."

Ladybug and Chat Noir got up, avoiding all of her clones. The moves were going so fast, I could barely keep up. My vision was growing cloudy, and my hearing was going out behind my hearing aid. My legs felt like they had melted into a pool of sludge.

"Mayura!" Ladybug called out. "We know you're here! Stop hiding!"

"This isn't about _Mayura_ ," Renard Noir growled, slamming Ladybug into the ground. "This is about US!"

I noticed a woman standing behind the arc. A woman with blue skin and a peacock themed outfit. She was clinging to the wall, her breaths slow.

"There…" I croaked, pointing at her.

Chat Noir caught my eye. He gasped, grabbing Ladybug's shoulder.

"Mayura looks exhausted," Ladybug raised her brow. "That's our chance to bring her down. And find out who's behind the mask."

"I TOLD YOU, THIS IS ABOUT US!" Renard Noir roared, sending her fist towards Ladybug.

Chat Noir dragged her out of the way. They approached Mayura, dragging her out of the shadows.

"Get them, my sentimonster!" Mayura ordered Sentimonster Dad. He didn't move from his spot on the ground.

"I think he's out of order," Chat Noir crossed his arms.

"Then you, Renard Noir," Mayura gazed at Renard Noir. "These are the heroes you despise. I leave them to you."

"Heh," Renard Noir grinned, cracking her knuckles. "Excellent."

Ladybug and Chat Noir backed up. I grimaced. I was about to go out, but there was one last thing I needed to do.

"Avril…" I croaked. "Please, help me…"

Renard Noir looked over her shoulder. "Soon, John."

"Where are the twins?" I asked.

"Bickering over who gets to have the bigger half of the Eiffel Tower," Renard Noir split into many clones again. "Now, let me clean up this mess!"

"I'm dying, Avril…" I put a hand on my chest; it seemed my entire sweater was wet. "What's Mom gonna say if you just leave me here to die?"

Renard Noir tensed up.

"That's right," Ladybug jumped in. "You've gotta help your step-son."

"Yeah, he's in a lot of trouble," Chat Noir agreed.

"Ignore them, Renard Noir, they're trying to trick you," Mayura growled, narrowing her eyes.

"You think this is a trick?" I wanted to laugh, but my body felt like it was going to shatter at any moment.

Renard Noir began sweating all over. Her clones swarmed around her. They were just mirages; they wouldn't be able to actually hold me. She'd have to get in and do it herself. Her body trembled.

"Fine, John, we'll go to hospital," she walked towards me, leaning down. "But don't think that I'll be gone for long, Ladybug, Chat Noir. I'll be back soon… and I'll destroy the both of you."

She picked me up like I was a baby. I tried real hard not to regurgitate my organs.

"Hold on," she told me. And then she jumped into the air, my feeble arms trying to reach her, but failing.

As we jumped away, I swear I saw Hawk Moth confronting the heroes, or maybe I was just seeing things? After all, my vision was getting blurry, scenes were fading in and out…

 _Man_ , I thought, before darkness consumed my vision. _I could so go for some gingerbread right now._

* * *

I sat up, heart monitors beeping around me. A white blanket covered my rising chest. Doctors and nurses walked all around. To my left was a blue curtain, and in front of me was a white tray.

Why was I so surprised to be in a hospital bed again…?

"John!"

I looked up. Avril was standing above me. She leaned down, kissing my forehead.

"Oh, thank goodness," she sighed. "I don't even remember what happened to you, but…"

"Avril…" I grinned up at her. Weirdly enough, my body felt… okay again. I was all there.

"Are you angry at Ladybug and Chat Noir for not letting you be a hero anymore?" I asked.

Avril raised her brow, before looking away. "No… I mean… well, not angry, but… disappointed."

"Avril…" I tilted my head.

"I know why they had to make that decision, John," she folded her arms. "Even if… even if it hurts me."

"Well, you had a good run while it lasted," I told her. "And hey, who knows? Maybe there's hope in the future."

Avril shrugged. "Maybe so." She smiled at me. "You'd made for an okay hero."

"Nah," I shook my head. "Right now, I just want to sleep."

Avril sighed. "Never change, John…"


	43. Johnny, part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted some fanart here: https://www.deviantart.com/ihatefridays/art/Johnny-Miraculous-fanfic-871240165

**A/N: We're nearly at the end of this fanfic guys… this is the three chapter finale. Thanks for reading and hope you enjoy it. :D**

* * *

_Love. Life. Living. What does it all mean?_

A boy grimaced as he slumped to his knees. The corpses of his family laid ahead of him. He was all alone.

_I suppose it meant something to me once…_

A small, dark butterfly flew towards him, landing in the birthday card in his hand.

_But it doesn't matter now. I'm tired of holding on._

" _ **Johnathan Couture… so tired of being the victim, being subject to the same torment over and over again… how about I give you the retribution you so dearly deserve?"**_

" _ **Yes, Hawk Moth…**_ "

A wave of dark energy consumed the boy; he stood up, a dark grin spreading across his face.

_I'm sick of the same stuff over and over again… it's time to end it all._

The boy walked ahead, blood dripping down his cheeks. The ground cracked beneath him.

_I'm no hero… but I'll save everyone._

People screamed as buildings began to fall apart. The sky darkened.

… _ah. Who am I kidding… I don't care about anyone else. I'm just tired._

The boy stopped, gazing ahead. His grin grew as he eyed two superheroes.

… _hey. You think you can stop me. That's adorable._

His face melted.

_**But the truth is, I've already defeated you.** _

...

I woke up with a gun at my throat.

I stumbled back, nearly falling off the bed. Of course, it was the Butterfly Man.

"No sense in delaying things anymore, hmm?" he asked.

Before I could say anything, he pressed the trigger.

* * *

… but it didn't hit me.

Standing in front of me was a hero… one I'd never seen before. He wore a black, teal, and cyan suit, appearing to be slender and muscular. His suit had a snake texture along with the same kind of underbelly like a snake and had a cyan colored mask around his eyes. His eyes and hair highlights were green. He wielded a lyre.

 _Wait…_ I stared up at him. _Luka?! When did he become a freaking hero?!_

"You…" the Butterfly Man growled. "What are you doing here?!"

Luka glowered at the Butterfly Man. "I'm saving my fri- uh, this innocent civilian - from you."

And then, like I was a baby, he picked me up. He kicked the window open, jumping down, still holding me bridal style. We raced down the streets, going faster than what my mind could actually comprehend. I held onto Luka's neck, trying not to pass out.

Finally, we stopped, ending up near Le Grand Paris of all places. Luka put me on the ground. I breathed out, my head spinning. I almost crashed right into the damn hotel.

"What the fuck," I turned on Luka.

"That guy was going to kill you, John," he told me. "I had to go in and save you."

"How'd you even know he was there?" I asked.

Luka grimaced. "I suppose some introductions are in order…" He spread his arms. "My name is Viperion. I've got a power called Second Chance. This power allows me to go back in time to a specific marked point. In an alternate timeline, that butterfly guy killed you. We all found out about it too late." He grimaced. "So I used my powers to come in and save you."

He showed me his snake head bracelet. It was a neat looking thing, carrying the same colour scheme as the rest of his costume.

"Another time traveller, huh?" I asked, letting him help me up.

"Well, I can't exactly open holes in the fabric of space and time, but…" he shrugged.

"Great, I get to stay alive…" I grumbled.

"That guy's gonna be coming after us," Viperion bit his lip. "The good news is, he won't come near us here."

"Why?" I asked.

"That's the bad news," Viperion shook his head. "There's another villain inside the hotel."

"Fantastic," I groaned.

"Ladybug and Chat Noir are on the way," Viperion held out his fists. "So don't worry, John. This'll get sorted out in no time!"

"You heroes are always so… optimistic," I breathed out. "How do you do it?"

Viperion shrugged. "Well, being negative doesn't get you anywhere, does it?"

I gazed up at him. My throat was dry.

"Negative emotions can slow us down, but…" I gazed at my hands. "They're a part of us. We can't let them control us."

"Right," Viperion put a hand on my shoulder. "Well, John, what do you want to do now?"

My body shivered. I did not want anyone else pointing guns at my throat.

"... Chloé's gonna be in there," I grimaced at the hotel. "She'll need our help."

* * *

For once, the inside of Le Grand Paris was a total mess. In other words, actually _not_ appealing to look at. Windows were shattered, people were lying around, unconscious… and the ones that weren't were in tears. Judging by the tables and decorations on the wall, the thing looked like a rich kid's birthday party got gate crashed.

I scowled, walking up to a butler standing by an elevator.

"Where's Chloé?" I asked.

"Up on the roof," the butler replied. "You're that friend of hers, aren't you?"

"Dream on," I grunted, walking past him. I went into the shiny elevator. Viperion hovered behind me, before taking a step back.

"John, you find Chloé, and get her and yourself to a safe place," he told me, eyes narrowed. "I'm gonna go after the villain." He put a hand on his chest. "I won't go too far, though. Hang on tight! And look out for Ladybug and Chat Noir when they come."

I nodded. Before I could turn away, he grabbed my arm.

"One more thing," he handed me a small box. "Use this when it's an emergency."

I gave him a nod, the elevator door closing in front of me. I gazed at the box in my hand. I put my hand on the lid.

_Nah… I'll save it for later._

I put the box in my pocket. The elevator slowly rose up, approaching the roof. Before long, I was standing on the roof. Ahead, I saw Chloé Bourgeois herself, standing by her lamp. A scowl was on her face. She glowered at a broken wire on the ground.

"My bee signal!" she roared. "Who did this?"

"Chloé," I walked over to her.

"Jeremy?" Chloé turned on me. "What are you doing here?"

"There's supposedly an akumatized villain running around," I told her. "I don't know much, but I think we should probably get out of here."

"Well, if there's a villain running around, then I should be here to stop it!" Chloé put a hand on her chest. "I'm Queen Bee, after all!"

I grimaced. "Chloé, I… fine." I shook my head. "Whatever. Let's just get out of here."

I grabbed her arm, leading her away from the bee signal lamp. We went back into the elevator, lowering down to the floor.

"Slow down, Jason!" she shoved me away. "Is it Sabrina again?"

"I don't have a damn clue," I shrugged. "Probably just some rando."

Unfortunately, that was not the case. As we made our way back up to the mess of the lobby, we saw possibly the most horrifying thing in all of existence...

My reflection.

Okay, I'm just kidding. It wasn't _that_ bad, but it was up there.

There were these two giant, floating heads right in front of us, attached to each other like two sides of a ball. They had light pink skin, with matching red hair, and huge, fat noses. Their eyes glowed a demonic red, making me want to jump out the window and never look back.

"Daddy?" Chloé stammered, grabbing my arm. "Mom?!"

"Wait…" I almost fell on my ass. "Those are your parents?!"

"Haha!" the André head shouted. "I am the most powerful of all the supervillains. I am HEART HUNTER!"

"No, I am!" the Audrey head snapped. "You're just super annoying." She turned on Marinette's mom and dad, who were standing by the window. "Ugh, they're so in love." She zapped them with a bright pink beam, making them fall over.

 _What is actually going on…_ I took another step back.

"John, we've got to let Ladybug know!" Chloé snapped. "Where is she?! Can't you call her or something?!"

I felt the dots connect in my head.

"Oh, we've gotta let her know, alright," I grimaced. "... But not about this."

"Chloé, my princess!" Heart Hunter André beamed down at his daughter. Chloé slipped behind me. And I wanted to slip away and never come back.

"You're going to give us all your love." Heart Hunter Audrey told her daughter.

"Nah-uh, sorry," Chloé waved a hand. "No way, I don't love anyone."

"Of course you do, darling," Heart Hunter André replied.

"A friend you love is right there," Heart Hunter Audrey agreed. "And besides, there is someone you care about very deeply… YOURSELF!"

Her eyes lit up. Chloé and I darted out of the way, avoiding the beam.

"Come on, Joseph!" she shouted.

We headed towards the door, passing a spooked Jagged Stone. He crossed his arms.

"Hey hold up, heartbreakers," he waved his hands, his pet alligator putting its head on his lap. "I'm not in a relationship, okay."

We were forced to leave Jagged Stone behind as we burst out of the hotel, breaths coming hard and fast. We hid behind a wall, leaning against it.

"Great, what now?" Chloé huffed.

"Am I really a friend you love?" I raised a brow.

Chloé crossed her arms. "That's not important right now! We need to get Ladybug here so I can become Queen Bee!"

"Well, according to Viperion, that thing back there is the lesser of two evils, at least compared to something else," I scowled.

"What are you talking about?" Chloé asked.

I grimaced. "I don't think we should get into it right now…"

"Are you saying there's another villain running around?" Chloé grumbled.

"Listen, just…" I pulled out my phone. "Viperion might still be around. He can deal with your heart hunting parents. I think it's about time Ladybug finds out about this other little issue. Trust me… it's far worse."

I sent an, ahem, text to a certain someone.

_Me: hey marinette, theres a big bad villain coming for me… do u know ladybug? I need to see her right now._

_Marinette: Huh? What do you mean?_

_Me: kinda struggling here, let ladybug know please… were at le grand paris._

I grimaced, putting away my phone.

"It's back!" Chloé gasped, clinging onto my arm.

Heart Hunter burst out of the hotel, grinning widely and terrifyingly. People screamed and ran for their lives.

"Ladybug loves everyone," Heart Hunter Andre cackled, licking his lips. "She'll make a great dinner!"

"And for dessert, the cat!" Heart Hunter Audrey agreed. "I'm sure he's very tasty."

"Well, for now, you don't get either of them."

Viperion made his reappearance, winking at Chloé and I. Chloé shivered, digging her nails into my skin.

"Oh ho, an appetiser?" Heart Hunter Andre grinned down at Viperion.

"I suppose a few morsels can't hurt," Heart Hunter Audrey agreed. "All leading up to that sweet, sweet main course!"

And to think that this was the LESSER of two evils. Then again, the Butterfly Man was far more direct. Then again again, he was far more personal to me than the Heart Hunter monster. And trust me, that shit scarred.

Viperion jumped back, avoiding some bright pink lasers. Heart Hunter chased after him, getting further and further away from Le Grand Paris.

Chloé shook her head, glowering at me. "I wasn't scared. And I bet, as soon as Ladybug comes, I'll get to be Queen Bee again!"

"Even _you're_ hopelessly optimistic," I chuckled, darkly. "And to think you were one of the most negative people I know."

"Huh?" Chloé tilted her head. "I'm not 'hopelessly optimistic'! I'm perfectly _realistic_! Utterly ridiculous!"

"Yeah, right," I grumbled, sinking deeper into the wall. "I don't really think you should know about this other villain, Chloé."

"Why not?" she asked.

Before I could respond, a flash of red and black passed us. Ladybug landed in front of us, yoyo in hand.

"A little birdie said you wanted to tell me about a villain coming for you," she told me, arms crossed.

"Yeah…" I looked at Chloé, raising a brow.

"Ladybug!" Chloé cried, waving her arms. "My bee signal broke! But I can still help you, don't worry! Just give me my Miraculous."

"Um…" I gestured at Chloé, then in the opposite direction.

"Chloé, um…" Ladybug took a deep breath. "Listen, John and I need to talk for a bit. I'll get back to you a bit later, okay?"

Chloé titled her head. "But he's not a hero! Why are you giving _him_ attention and not me?!"

"Chloé, please…" Ladybug sighed.

Chloé crossed her arms, storming away. "Fine! But you owe me answers!"

And so, that left me alone, standing with Ladybug, hidden behind the walls of Le Grand Paris.

"So, John, tell me about this villain," Ladybug said.

"Okay, so…" I breathed out. "You remember a while ago? When Hawk Moth was turning all the villains red or whatever and there was this guy in a butterfly tuxedo outfit trying to kill me?"

"Yes, I remember!" Ladybug nodded. "I've been trying to find out more about him… who is he?"

"That's the funny thing…" I rubbed the back of my head. "How do I put this simply… well, um… basically, he's me."

"Huh?" Ladybug made a face.

"He's an adult me from an alternate timeline," I told her. "An adult me that… that became Hawk Moth."

"He… is?" Ladybug asked, tilting her head. "Wh… what's he doing in this timeline? Why is he? What does he want?"

"He wants me dead for some reason," I told her. "Apparently, I'm going to stop him from doing something back in his own timeline."

"I see," Ladybug frowned.

"He tried to kill me today, but Lu- Viperion saved me," I told her.

Ladybug's face went red for a second. "Viperion? He must've used his powers." She narrowed her eyes. "And where is this - this alternate version of you now?"

"I haven't got a clue," I shrugged. "I nicknamed him the Butterfly Man, by the way."

"An alternate version of you that's also Hawk Moth, trying to kill you…" Ladybug tapped her fingers together.

"Yeah, I know," I groaned. "Being me is just fantastic."

"Well, don't worry, John," Ladybug put her hand on my shoulder. "Me and the other heroes will take him down for you."

"Can you, though?" I asked, making a face. "He's pretty tough… I don't mean to scare you, but in his own timeline, he…" I grimaced.

"He what?" Ladybug asked.

"Don't worry about it," I sighed. "If you think you can take on the Butterfly Man, well… you might need my help. That guy is me, after all… even if he's really not that similar to me."

"Of course," Ladybug nodded, squeezing my shoulder. "You've been helping us quite a bit with other villains."

My cheeks burned. "Thanks, man. Just… once he's gone, can you do me a favour?"

"What is it?" Ladybug asked.

"Never talk to me again," I told her. "Never get me involved in anymore akuma attacks." I waved my hands. "Not because I hate you, Ladybug. I just don't want any part in it. Just cut me out completely. Even in your civilian identities, if your civilian identities know me."

Ladybug raised her brow. "Well… um, alright. I'll do my best." She tilted her head. "John… I don't know if you'll be able to help us against the Butterfly Man as a civilian."

"Hey, I've helped you before as a civilian, right?" I shrugged. "Like I said, once this is done, no more. I don't want any more part in this. Okay?"

Ladybug nodded. "Okay. I understand."

We shook hands.

"So, what's our first step?" I asked.

"First, we track down the Butterfly Man," Ladybug told me. "And then-"

"Ladybug!"

We turned, spotting yet another new hero. She wore a red bodysuit with the image of a black dragon's tail. She also had a black collar/turtleneck, black forearm-length gloves and black legs starting in the middle of her lower legs. On the back of her head, she had four red dragon-like horns. On her back was a holder for her sword. On her face, she wore a red mask around her eyes. Her eyes were a bright gold.

 _Freaking Kagami too?_ I thought.

"Ryuko!" Ladybug gasped. "What are you doing here?"

Ryuko trembled, expression darkening.

"I found Chat Noir," she told Ladybug.

"You did?" Ladybug asked. "Where is he?"

Ryuko fell to her knees. "He… he is dead."

* * *

_Viperion stumbled back, a flash of yellow and black taking down Heart Hunter. He grinned at the superhero before him._

" _Thank you, Queen Bee," he beamed at her._

" _Of course," Queen Bee grinned. "Finally, I've got back the title I deserved! Suck on that, Ladybug!"_

_Still, her body trembled. A dark, looming figure watched from the shadows._

" _Heh…" the Butterfly Man grinned. "Never change, Chloé..."_


	44. Johnny, part 2

_Chat Noir looked around. "Wait… what do you mean?"_

_Ladybug narrowed her eyes. "Hold on a sec-"_

_The ground cracked beneath her feet. She jumped into the air, holding Chat Noir's arm. A large, red dagger was sticking out of the ground, inches away from impaling the both of them. The two heroes gazed at it with horror._

" _It's you," Ladybug realised, staring at John._

 _John grinned at her._ " _Wow, took you awhile to figure that one out, huh?_ "

" _I'd never imagined you'd get akumatized, John…_ " _Chat Noir trembled._

 _John laughed._ " _I wouldn't get myself unintentionally akumatized, you know. But hey… I was getting really tired of seeing the same thing over and over again. Hawk Moth doesn't know how to defeat you two._ " _His grin grew._ " _But I do… Marinette and Adrien._ "

_Chat Noir and Ladybug both stumbled back in horror._

" _Don't look so surprised," John titled his head. "I've known your real identities for a while. I figured it out when we first met, for that matter."_

" _You've known for… for that long?!" Ladybug gasped._

_John grinned, holding out his arms. "It's really that obvious. Now, what are you waiting for? Take me down. I'm the bad guy here, right?"_

_Ladybug and Chat Noir gazed at each other, then at John. They approached him, cautiously._

" _Too slow," John waved his hands. From the top, two daggers came flying down._

" _By the way," he shrugged. "You can call me Johnny, now. I kinda like the nickname."_

_Ladybug opened her mouth. "WAIT-"_

_Too late. The heroes' miraculouses were penetrated, destroying them both._

_Johnny grinned. Alright, Hawk Moth… it's your turn…_

* * *

I honestly didn't think things could've gotten worse at that point. Chat Noir was dead, there was a villain running around, and an alternate version of me wanted me dead. Yet, life always found ways to disappoint me.

The sky was a beautiful blue, but the messed up city did not reflect the nice weather. Neither did my circumstances, as I was currently running for my sanity with two superheroes, all throughout the Place des Vosges.

"Chat Noir can't be dead…" Ladybug muttered under her breath, running too fast for me to keep up. "He can't be, he-"

"Ladybug…" Ryuko reached out her arm. "Ladybug… it was an accident. This man in a butterfly suit just came out of nowhere and…"

"The Butterfly Man…" Ladybug uttered, gazing back at me.

I sighed. "I know… but… guys. Listen. I know things just got… hard, but we-"

Suddenly, a wave of deadly, glowing yellow wasps came flying towards us.

"Not those again!" Ladybug shrieked, covering her face. "Not now!"

She grabbed me, Ryuko and herself leaping into the air, racing towards a rooftop.

Suddenly, Ryuko let out a scream. A wasp had stung her arm.

"RYUKO!" Ladybug cried out, reaching back.

Ryuko's eyes glazed over. She slumped backwards, landing on the ground below us. Her eyes were blank slates. Stiff like a puppet, she began moving away.

"No…!" Ladybug croaked, arm shaking.

"We have to go," I eyed another wave of wasps.

Ladybug trembled, holding onto me. And away we went.

* * *

We ran and ran for ages. Half the time, I didn't even have a damn clue where we were going, things flashing by like memories. The people of Paris had been stung, holding their arms out like zombies. It was like Resident Evil, but with more wasps.

"What's going on?" I asked Ladybug, as we hid inside a dumpster. I gulped down some of the disgusting stench.

" **People of Paris, listen to Miracle Queen's first order!** " a familiar voice boomed. " **From now on, no one will have to keep his identity a secret! All the Miraculous wearers, come to me!** "

"Chloé," I uttered.

Ladybug's lip trembled, just barely visible in the dark. She clung onto the side of the dumpster.

"Great," I sighed. "So now Chloé's been akumatized… again. How many times is that girl going to get herself done in?"

Ladybug breathed out. "Okay. We need to figure out how to stop Chloé - Miracle Queen - and save the other heroes. Then we'll stop the Butterfly Man." She narrowed her eyes. "... Hang on, John, can't the Butterfly Man time travel?"

"Well, yeah, I guess so," I shrugged. "Do you think…" I made a face. "Wait, do you wanna save Chat Noir?"

Ladybug looked away. She nodded.

"Yes," she said. "But-"

"The Butterfly Man is pretty tough," I told her. "To get him to use his abilities in your favour, you'd need to outperform him."

"And there's still Hawk Moth to worry about as well…" Ladybug pressed her hands against her forehead. "Mayura, Hawk Moth, and his sentimonster… but I've got Miraculouses as well. With their combined powers, we have a chance."

"... I think we should worry about the Butterfly Man first," I admitted. "He came after Chat Noir, of course. So that can only mean he'll have his sights on you."

Ladybug shivered.

"But, uh, you're tough too," I told her, sweat beading. "Then again, the Butterfly Man probably already knows most of your attacks…"

Ladybug took in a deep breath. "You're right. But I'll be ready for him. For now… you can help me. We'll take him down… together."

"I don't have any superpowers," I bowed my head. "I'll be defenseless against him. And before you ask, I don't want any."

Ladybug sighed. "Then stay here for now. I'm going to nullify those wasps!" She held out her hand. "Tikki, Longg, unify!"

A dragon kwami - Longg, assuming - and Tikki flew towards Ladybug, covering her in power.

She came out wearing a suit that had the Ladybug and Dragon Miraculouses in asymmetric disposition. The right side was essentially red with black spots with a yellow. The left side was essentially black with red spots with a yellow outline. On her chest, over a black spot, she had the images that represent three elements: lightning, air and water. On the back of her head, she had four red dragon-like horns. On her face, she wore a red mask around her eyes.

"Uh, nice costume, Ladybug," I told her.

"Call me Dragon Bug," she replied, face set in a scowl. "Water Dragon!"

She jumped out of the dumpster, a shield of water taking out a bunch of wasps.

"Now," she said, taking out her badass sword. "To find-"

"Me?"

We both stopped. The Butterfly Man was ahead of us, leaning against a wall. He wore a sly grin on his face.

"Way ahead of you, little miss Dragon Bug," he chuckled. "What? Don't tell me you didn't see this coming."

Dragon Bug stumbled back. She grimaced, sword out in front of her.

"You murderer," she spat, shaking.

"Oh, please," he sighed. "If you just got out of the way I could do my job without any hiccups."

"I won't let you kill anyone else," Dragon Bug growled. She charged towards him, raising her sword above her head.

"Your time is done!" she roared.

The Butterfly Man chuckled, shaking his head. "Ah… that's what I always _hated_ about you, Marinette. You don't know how to take the damn hint."

He waved his hand as she approached him. She crashed into the wall, sword clinging beside her.

"You have good intentions, though," the Butterfly Man told her, sighing deeply. "You infuriated me… but I always respected your power. You were Paris' hero. The city would've been dead ten times over without you and Chat Noir."

Dragon Bug got up, sword in hand. Her eyes watered.

"Oh, speaking of Chat Noir…" the Butterfly Man's expression darkened. "The last words he spoke… well, they were about you, Ladybug. He was so sorry he'd let you down. He would've wanted you to know that."

Dragon Bug shivered, baring her teeth.

"Shut up!" Dragon Bug charged towards him. "You-"

She cried out. The Butterfly Man grabbed her by the throat, dangling her in the air. Time seemed to slow down.

"Well then, Marinette, I'll tell you one last little secret, as a thank you for helping Paris for _so_ long," he squeezed her neck, smiling sweetly. "You see, Chat Noir was your dear sweet Ad-"

"Enough," I got out of the dumpster, eyes narrowed.

"Oh, there you are," the Butterfly Man turned his attention on me, chuckling. "I knew you couldn't resist watching her die."

"Hey," I growled. "Dragon Bug is a hero. You don't get to kill her. If you're going to kill anyone, then…" I spread my arms. "Kill me, dammit. I'm just a civilian, after all."

"No, John…!" Dragon Bug croaked.

The Butterfly Man tossed Dragon Bug on the ground, keeping his foot on her. She cried out beneath his boot.

"So you're finally accepting your death?" the Butterfly Man asked me, lip curling.

"Leave Dragon Bug out of this," I told him. "This is between us. We're the same guy, after al."

The Butterfly Man laughed. "So you want this to be personal? Fine." He held out a gun. "We'll end this, nice and quickly. Just like how you want it."

 _Like how_ you _want it_ , I sighed, closing my eyes. For some reason, I found myself smiling.

_Sorry, Mom, Dad, Avril, Piss, girls…_

"HEY!"

Dragon Bug choked up. Standing there was Chloé… or at least, the worst outfit I'd ever seen her in. It was her old cringey Queen Wasp outfit, except with black hive-designed shoulder armor, a crown, and bracelets. I guess that somehow made her, an ahem, Miracle Queen.

"Who are you?!" she glowered at the Butterfly Man. "Do you think you can steal the spotlight from _me_?!"

She waved her arm, sending an army of wasps flying towards the Butterfly Man. He waved his hand, disputing them all.

"Oh, dear, sweet Chloé," he almost laughed, spreading his hands. "It's so good to see you. How long has it been?"

"What are you talking about?" Miracle Queen growled. "I don't know you! And it's MIRACLE QUEEN to you!"

"Miracle Queen..." None other than Hawk Moth himself appeared, his expression grim. "Stay away from that man."

_What a nice family reunion…_

"All I'm doing is trying to help you, old chum," the Butterfly Man replied, raising his brow at his fellow, uh, Hawk Moth. "I've already gotten rid of Chat Noir."

"Wait, Chat Noir… is dead?" Miracle Queen raised her brow.

"I mean, you won't be so thrilled when you find out Chat Noir's true identity, but regardless…" the Butterfly Man tipped his hat at me. "All I want to do is kill this little roadblock here. Then I'll be done. I'll stay out of your timeline, and you can do whatever you want. I'll even let Dragon Bug live."

"You just want to kill Jamie?" Miracle Queen glowered down at me. "Why? He's not even worth killing!"

 _Wow, thanks, Chloé_ , I groaned. _My self esteem is just through the roof._

"That's none of your business," the Butterfly Man replied. "Now, off you go. Play heroes and villains with each other, while I handle this."

I was about ready to throw in the towel at that point. But I couldn't get my mind off Chat Noir, off Johnny, who Kagami had encountered, how much they'd screwed with the timeline already…

"Hey," I spat, holding up my fists. "You're a fucking _liar_. You said you weren't going to get anyone else involved, and look what you've done. You killed Chat Noir. Your past self came here and confused the Hell out of everywhere. You helped Hawk Moth over here. You killed MY FAMILY. You say you're only here for me, but you screwed with _everyone_."

The Butterfly Man laughed. "I could say the same about you. You keep claiming that you don't want to get involved with any of this hero business, and yet… here you are. You're a real idiot, aren't you?"

I gritted my teeth. I almost wanted to switch my hearing aid off so his voice wouldn't nag me as much.

Then I gazed at Miracle Queen, at Hawk Moth, at Ladybug. Heroes, villains. Winners, losers… my friends, my enemies, my family, god knows whatever else…

These people all meant something to me… whether or not it was good, they were important. I _cared_ about them.

 _Chat Noir cared for me too_ , I thought, fists shaking. _It's not fair… it's not fair to let everyone down like this. I… I can't be selfish anymore. They don't mean any harm… I was just a bitch. This is my mess to clean up… and for once, I'll help all these dumbfucks._

"Okay, fine," I decided. "You want me to get involved? I will. I'll kick your ass, bitch. You just watch me."

I pulled out the gift Viperion had given me. Of course, it was his snake bracelet. Second Chance.

The Butterfly Man stumbled back. "You can't be serious."

"What are you doing, James?!" Miracle Queen demanded.

"No…" Hawk Moth held out his cane. "That boy…"

Dragon Bug gasped. "John…!"

 _Second chance…_ I turned back the dial on the bracelet. _Let's try this again._

* * *

_Hawk Moth stumbled back as the looming figure appeared before him. It was just a teenage boy with blood dripping down his cheeks, and yet…_

" _Johnny?!" he roared, holding out his staff. "How did you find me?! You-"_

" _The Agreste mansion isn't that hard to find, Gabriel," Johnny shrugged._

_Hawk Moth sweated all over. "You… this is impossible!"_

" _I'll be honest, Gabriel," Johnny waved a hand, tch-ing. "You're a pretty lousy Hawk Moth. You never learn from your mistakes. Just the same stupid shit over and over again. You're not getting anywhere. I think it's time a new Hawk Moth came to town, don't you think?"_

_Hawk Moth growled. "You don't really think you can kill me, do you?"_

" _No, I don't think so," Johnny snapped his fingers. "I know so. I know all of your little tricks, your dirty secrets, Gabriel Agreste… I know you want Chat Noir and Ladybug's miraculouses to bring back your MIA wife. Well…" He held out the crumbled remains of the Miraculouses. "The only one who's getting his wishes answered here is me. But I'm not going to sit around and let villains do my work for me. No… if you want it done right, you've gotta do it yourself. That goes for your bitch Nathalie as well."_

_Hawk Moth lunged forward. "I'll NEVER let you kill me, you-"_

_Before he could breath, two daggers impaled his chest. His figure slumped over. Johnny walked over to him, ripping off his Miraculous._

_He placed the Miraculous on himself. A purple mask appeared on his face, a purple cloak flowed out behind him, and dark clothing adorned his figure._

" _Finally…" he chuckled. "Paris will be safe."_

* * *

"... and basically, that's what's going on," I told Chat Noir.

We were walking through the Canal Saint-Martin, a 4.5 km long canal in Paris, connecting the Canal de l'Ourcq to the river Seine. Beside him was of course, our old friend Viperion. A truly strange trio we were.

"So your doppelganger adult evil you from another timeline came here, killed me, and wants to kill you because you're going to go into his timeline and stop him from taking over Paris," Chat Noir raised his brow.

"Surprised he figured it out," Bunnyx chuckled, appearing on my other side. Of course, she just had to nicely pop out of nowhere and scare the crap out of me, nearly making me fall into the Seine.

"Yes," I grumbled.

"Bunnyx…?" Chat Noir raised his brow at her. "Ladybug told me about you."

"Yup, that's me," Bunnyx patted my shoulder. "So, what were you saying, John?"

"The Butterfly Man is going to keep screwing around with this timeline until he kills me," I told them. "God knows who he'll go after next? He's already messed up enough shit. He killed my parents. He killed _you_ , Chat Noir. I'm sick of it. We're going to go to his timeline and teach him a lesson."

The heroes glanced at each other.

"Hell yeah," Chat Noir grinned. "Let's do this!"

"I'm in," Viperion nodded.

"When'd you get so risky, John?" Bunnyx teased, ruffling my hair.

I shrugged. "Let's go and find Ladybug."

 _And maybe my parents…_ a voice at the back of my head squeaked. _I might not come back after this..._

I thought of Mom smiling down at me, Dad helping me knit my scarf, Avril kicking some villains in the face, playing video games with my step-sisters, Piss licking my face...

My eyes began watering. I shook it off. Not in front of the heroes, dammit John.

 _Yeah…_ I thought, picturing my family and friends smiling before me. _This is for them too._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Last chap is the finale, hope you're excited. ;D

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Welp, new fic time. This fanfiction is an experiment of sorts. I've had the idea of having a grumpy character being involved in heroic situations they don't want to be involved in for a while. This is where it finally came to fruition. XD Honestly IDK if I will continue this, depends how much traction it gets I suppose. I have mixed feelings about it. But we'll see how it goes.


End file.
